Meet me at the bleachers
by drlve
Summary: AU Trory. Rory grew up in Stars Hollow living in a house with her mom and dad. Tristan is the 'rebel without a cause' of Chilton. An interesting encounter brings them together.
1. First day

Title: Meet me at the bleachers

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Sadly.

Summary: AU Trory. Rory grew up in Stars Hollow living in a house with her mom and dad. Tristan is the 'rebel without a cause' of Chilton. An interesting encounter brings them together.

Reviews are appreciated.

* * *

Rory sat at the bleachers next to the football field enjoying the unusually warm autumn sun. It had become a sort of tradition for her to spend her lunches out here last year and she was going to keep up the tradition in this semester as well. It was quiet, she was alone and she could read in peace.

She preferred it much better than sitting in a crowded cafeteria listening to the other kids. She found that in the past year or so it had become a pain in the ass to even be close to them. Her mood was sullen and it has been for a while. She couldn't quite grasp the reason why, it just was. And it felt better to be away from the crowd, the noise and marvel in the quiet.

Of course it was also illegal. She wasn't supposed to be out here in her lunch period. This is another thing she's noticed recently. Whereas last year just the thought of getting into trouble or doing something wrong would have freaked her out, now she just did not care anymore. A sort of indifference came over her concerning everything.

Besides, she had important things to think about. She was trying to think of a way to break it to Dean that she wanted to end things.

She sighed.

It wasn't going to be easy.

He seemed so frigging enthusiastic. Seemed to adore her.

It made her sick, physically ill. She tried to pinpoint the point in time when it all changed for her. When it turned from being in love to just being plain old bored. She couldn't decide when that was. She figured it was just a process. She just sort of… got tired of it all. It was all so safe and comforting and… boring.

Being with Dean was boring. And she felt guilty for having these feelings, but she also felt disgusted by the fact that Dean hadn't noticed. He hadn't noticed that she wasn't happy. He was just too caught up in trying to be in a perfect relationship.

She decided that there was no point in faking it anymore. That Dean would have been someone anyone would have liked to settle for. But for god's sakes, she was only 17, why would she settle?

She looked at her watch absent minded and cursed realizing the time. She had to hurry if she wanted to sneak back into the halls before her lunch break was over.

She looked up and contemplated which way to go. Going through the football field and around the school was the safer way, but going through the engine room was quicker. She didn't like going through there, it was creepy, but she had to do it this time if she didn't want to be late for her next period.

She threw her stuff in her backpack and made her way towards the door of the engine room. She opened the door quietly and slid in.

Suddenly she froze.

There was someone else there.

Or rather, two other people.

Her eyes adjusted slowly to the dim room lit only by the sunlight streaking through the narrow windows.

She saw Tristan DuGrey with his back leaning against the wall, his head dropped back and his eyes closed. And in front of him was a girl.

Kneeling.

Rory looked on shocked.

She heard the girl suck on him and the light groans coming from his mouth.

She couldn't believe it. She's never seen anything like this and she stood there astonished, her gaze fixed on the girl's head that was bobbing up and down on his crotch.

Her gaze shifted up and suddenly her heart stopped.

There he was staring at her, his eyes wide with surprise, not saying a thing, nor stopping what he was in the middle of, just looking in her eyes intently.

Rory had a hard time breathing. She felt like his eyes, dark and aroused, were nailing her to the door and she couldn't move. She felt a rush of adrenalin surging from her abdomen and her heart raced.

Long moments passed with the two of them staring at each other, the girl continuing her task oblivious to what was happening.

Suddenly Rory saw a small smirk on his face. He was actually smirking at the fact that she stood there watching them.

Her breathing becoming shallow and rapid she watched as he lifted his hand and placed it on the girl's head, never taking his eyes off of Rory. He thrust into the girl's mouth more energetically and groaned out loud.

Rory gasped barely audible, but she still couldn't move. She stood there rooted to her spot, not being able to think or do anything.

Tristan's smirk grew into a full-blown laugh and he moaned loud as he closed his eyes and came.

Rory turned around and pushed the door open, gasping for air. She dashed out of there and didn't stop, running straight through the field towards the school halls.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She sat in 5th period and she still felt shaken. She could feel her face was hot and flushed.

She couldn't believe this.

Not the fact that some random girl was giving Tristan DuGrey head. That wasn't such a shock. But that she had actually watched it all happen. While he knew!

She winced and sighed.

This was too embarrassing.

She didn't know Tristan, never talked to him, but she certainly had heard about him, everyone had. He had a sort of reputation.

He didn't have friends in this school, he hung out with kids from another school in Hartford, ones that were not rich at all and were considered to be „trouble". He always looked distant and serious, with a tone of anger in his demeanour. People talked that he was in constant quarrel with his parents because they wanted him to behave, wanted him to do well in school, so he could follow in his father's footsteps.

He certainly wasn't doing well in school. He was smart, everyone knew that, if anyone ever got in a fight with him, he would grill them, embarrass them and made them feel like crap. That was probably one of the reasons he hadn't made many friends.

But he still managed to „bond" in the school. He was with a different girl every day. He usually ignored them the day after, but somehow his reputation didn't lessen the huge number of volunteers standing in line to have a go with him.

Rory wondered about this. Why would anyone want to be used then dumped by him. Was he really that good? Was it worth it?

Either way, the public display of affection he put on with these girls certainly didn't make her think that the interaction she just witnessed would be a rare oddity.

But she was shocked nevertheless.

She couldn't stop replaying the scene in her head.

She didn't understand why he would go on doing what he was doing when she walked in on them. He actually seemed to enjoy watching her while he was…

Jesus, she thought to herself, you have to stop thinking about this.

„You're just gonna pretend nothing happened, it's not like you ever even talked to this guy, he probably doesn't even know who you are. You are just gonna avoid him if you see him in school and forget this ever happened" she told herself closing her eyes and steadying her breathing.

„Mr. DuGrey. I gather you're aware that being late for my class entails a spot in the afternoon detention hall?" she heard the teacher say and her eyes snapped open.

She stared as she saw Tristan walk into the classroom.

Crap. He had this class as well?

Rory seemed to shrink in her seat and lowered her head so she wouldn't be noticed. She lifted her gaze slightly to sneak a peak and realized she was already late. He had spotted her and stood there, his gaze as intent as a couple of minutes ago and his smirk in place.

„Yeah Mrs. Swanson, I'm sorry, I seemed to have lost track of time enjoying my lunch too much" he said, still looking at Rory.

„Go take a seat, you're excused this one time since it's the first day of school"

Tristan smiled and started to move down the line of desks ignoring a blushing Rory.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Well. That was an eventful first day of school, she thought to herself walking down the hall of Chilton.

„Got my new locker. Met the new teachers. Tried the beef. Saw Tristan DuGrey come in some random girl's mouth."

Yep. Eventful indeed.

She frowned.

She walked out the front door and sighed as she spotted Dean waiting for her by his car. He smiled and waved and she forced a smile on her face.

She stopped dead in her track as she saw Tristan a couple of cars away. He stopped in his process of getting into his car as he saw her come outside. His eyes were fixed on her and he turned to identify who Rory was waving at.

Rory dropped her gaze nervously as she walked over to Dean to greet him with a quick peck on the lips. She got into the car immediately, but she could still feel his icy blue stare on her.

She stole a glance as they pulled out of the parking lot and saw him still looking, his expression nonchalant and his gaze intent.


	2. Stuck

She was lying on her back on the top of her bed.

She was trying hard to think of how this has happened again. Then she remembered.

Pity sex. It was pity sex.

She closed her eyes as she felt Dean move in and out of her, heard his soft grunts.

She used to love these grunts and now… well, it just made her want to shove him off of her.

She remembered what it was like to have sex the first time they did it. How excited and nervous she was, how it all seemed right, it was story book perfect. She probably even liked it. She was probably even enjoying it.

She furrowed her brows.

She gave up even trying to enjoy it months ago. She just figured it was another one of those myths about sex, and life in general. That sex was enjoyable. She figured that it was passion and lust that made it seem enjoyable. And she figured that she's lost that with Dean. Right now it just felt silly and annoying.

Right now it was just a hassle.

She sighed lightly, and Dean probably took it as a sign of pleasure.

She knew she shouldn't even be doing this. That she was supposed to be breaking up with him right now. But she felt so much guilt. It actually surprised her, since nowadays she usually didn't feel anything at all.

But she had been with Dean for over a year and he had been her first love. And she knew she loved him still. She just wasn't in love.

She tried to decide whether she was depressed because she fell out of love with Dean or whether she was just depressed and it made her incapable of feeling anything anymore. She didn't know.

She arched her back slightly and contracted her muscles around him. It was almost an unconscious, automatic movement. And she knew that would do it for him. He came quietly, shivering and burying his face in her hair. She smiled a wry smile. This would have seemed beautiful a couple of months ago. Now it left her feeling nothing at all.

She waited as his breathing slowed with her eyes closed, caressing him gently.

„You okay?" she heard him whisper uncertain.

She nodded slightly, knowing that if she spoke it would sound like a lie, everything she would have said would have sounded like a lie. Suddenly the room felt small and there wasn't enough air. She distangled herself from his hold and got up, gathering her clothes.

It was still light outside.

Dean watched perplexed.

„What would you like to do?" he said, rising on the bed, steadying himself on his elbow.

She sat back on the bed, her back towards him staring out the window knowing what she was about to do. She decided that she didn't want to tell him here. She wanted to be somewhere public, somewhere where she wouldn't have to explain herself. Since she probably won't be able to give an explanation at all.

"Let's go somewhere" she said, trying to hide her indifference.

"Okay. You want to go to Luke's to grab something to eat?"

She didn't want to stay in Stars Hollow. It was such a small town, everybody knew them. She sometimes felt like the whole town knew about every detail in her life as soon as it happened. Sometimes she wished her parents would give up on this whole idea of raising children in a small town in order to help them stay grounded and away from 'society'.

"Let's go to Hartford. We could get some ice-cream"

Dean smiled. As if the fact that she still felt an urge to eat ice-cream would prove all was okay.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She sat at the small table picking her ice-cream with her spoon.

Dean was describing something and she could barely pretend she was listening.

"Rory?"

She looked up, her eyes wide, hearing her name.

"Is there something wrong?" Dean asked, concern in his voice.

Rory couldn't hold his gaze.

"You've been acting strange for weeks. You seem so distant. Is there something bothering you?" he asked, his hands reaching out to hers.

Rory looked up, and another bout of guilt hit her. He really was perfect, wasn't he? Caring and sweet and kind, and everything she could have wished for. But it didn't make her happy. Not anymore. And she knew it made him feel miserable that she was unhappy. He just didn't know she was.

She sighed.

"Dean" she started, hesitating for a second "I think I want to end this" she said, her voice calm and cool.

Dean just stared at her, with eyes wide. She couldn't stand that look, she dropped her gaze again.

"What? Why?" he asked in disbelief, his voice quiet.

"I don't know, I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a reason"

"What?" he asked huffing "What are you talking about?"

She took a deep breath gathering her thoughts "I'm not happy. And it's not fair towards you..."

"Hold on a second. When did all this happen?" he asked, his voice suddenly louder.

Rory looked around uncomfortable in the crowded place, feeling awkward. Suddenly she realized that doing this in a public place wasn't such a good idea after all.

"It's been going on for a while. You said it yourself, I seemed strange. I really wish I could know what's wrong with me"

"You're saying that I make you unhappy?" his voice was loud now and some people at the other tables were looking over at them.

Rory sighed and got up from her seat, walking outside, not wanting to continue this conversation in there anymore.

Dean got up and dashed after her.

She pushed the door open and walked out into the parking lot. It was relatively empty, but at the far end there were a couple of guys standing around their cars laughing and smoking. She recognised one of them. Even though he wasn't wearing his uniform, but some jeans and a grey shirt.

It was Tristan.

Her thoughts went back to their weird encounter that morning, but she couldn't dwell in them for long as she heard a now frustrated Dean calling her name.

She turned around and saw him, his face angry, frustrated and hurt.

"Dean, please, I don't want to fight. And I don't want to hurt you."

"Oh really? It seems to me that you don't give a damn about that" he said yelling.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the guys turning towards them, no doubt intrigued by the conversation they were overhearing.

She sighed.

"Dean. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say" she said barely whispering. Her voice was low and drained "I wish I knew the reason, but I don't. I've just been feeling empty. And drained. And it's frustrating, the fact that I have someone like you and I still feel this way. I don't want you to suffer because of me"

"Is this about sex?"

Her eyes shot up in disbelief.

"What?" she asked her eyes closing as thought she was trying to tell herself that she misheard the question.

He looked down, trying to control his anger.

"I know you haven't been enjoying it Rory, I can tell as much"

She laughed covering her eyes with her hands.

"God, you think that's a reason?"

"I don't know, why don't you tell me?"

She suddenly felt frustrated. Up to that point she felt guilty more than anything else. Then Dean reminded her why it wasn't working. He just did not get her. Here she was trying to put into words how she felt, the emptiness that had been creeping up on her, the indifference she felt. And he just did not hear. Did not understand. Thinking sex would be a reason for a break-up. When it was obviously a consequence. She gave up.

"You are insane" she said.

"You want to see other people? Is there someone else?" he asked, raging.

She just stood there closing her eyes realizing that there was nothing she could do to make this less hostile.

"Dean, please don't be ridiculous..."

"Fine, go be with whoever you want. Maybe they can make you feel happy. I give up" he said and started walking towards his car.

Rory stood there dumbfounded and watched as he sped off in his car leaving her there.

Seeing his reaction, his unwillingness to understand her made her even more depressed. She suddenly felt exhausted, tired, as if her energy had been drained from her completely. She watched as the car disappeared around the corner and sighed closing her eyes.

She didn't want to think anymore tonight, she just wanted to go home and sleep.

She opened her eyes contemplating a way to get home.

She could call her mom, but she knew she would probably force her to explain how she ended up stranded in the middle of Hartford when she was supposed to be out with Dean.

She looked around frustrated and caught Tristan with her eyes. He stood there watching her, looking away suddenly when he saw her looking his way.

She sighed closing her eyes. He probably overheard the whole thing. How embarrassing.

Plus they never even talked.

She decided it didn't matter.

She just wanted to get home without people asking her questions or without her having to face the consequences.

She walked towards him, trying to seem confident, concentrating on the problem at hand.

The guys noticed her walking towards them and exchanged looks, snickering.

"Tristan, right?" she asked, surprising even herself with the confidence her voice reflected.

He turned around, looking at her questioning.

"I need a ride" she said, her voice still confident but lower, her blue eyes beaming.

The guys snickered again expecting a clever let-down or some pricking comment from Tristan.

He looked at her narrowing his eyes as if he was trying to see into her.

"Sure" he said, his voice nonchalant.

The other guys watched astonished as he walked over to his car and motioned for her to get in.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The ride had been a silent one. She sat there immersed in thought only speaking to give him directions.

The first couple of minutes seemed awkward, her confidence from before vanishing. But he didn't ask her anything. In fact he hadn't talked at all but acknowledged her directions and kept his eyes on the road.

She was relieved she didn't have to endure cynical comments or unnecessary questions and stopped herself from pondering about why he would be so helpful. He seemed indifferent towards her.

Her body slowly relaxed back into her seat and her thoughts drifted back to the fight with Dean. She wasn't surprised he was hurt, she couldn't blame him. She really wished she could have changed how she was feeling, could have stopped what was happening. But it seemed to her that it wasn't any of her choice. She felt like a log drifting with the current.

"Is this the street?" his voice pulled her back from her thoughts.

She didn't realize that they were already in Stars Hollow. She looked up recognizing the familiar street.

"Yeah, it's the second house on the right" she replied.

The car came to a halt and she fumbled trying to unbuckle her seat-belt.

"You okay?" the question surprised her.

Up to that point it seemed like he didn't even acknowledge her state or the fight he had witnessed.

She looked up furrowing her brows.

He was looking at her, his expression indifferent, but his eyes, his eyes seemed to be swirling with something. She stared at him as though she didn't understand his question.

"Yeah" she whispered, her face sour.

He stared at her for another couple of seconds, then leaned slowly towards her side opening the door for her.

Her breath was caught in her chest and she felt herself blush as she smelt his cologne.

"It gets stuck sometimes" he said curtly, referring to the door and already turning back to face the road.

She got out of the car, then closed the door behind her without saying anything and walked into the house as she heard him speed off.


	3. Moderate on the Hamilton

She sat on the benches and pulled her jacket tighter around her. It was windy that day, but still warm, the sky covered with clouds. 

A week had passed since she had the fight with Dean in the parking lot in Hartford. She only spoke to him once more, on the phone, but it had been a futile attempt. He was too emotional and she not enough. It came off as indifference, insensibility and she felt it impossible to try to explain herself. And her guilt at having hurt him prevented her from trying to make it right with him. She felt like she should talk to him, explain to him how she felt, but she felt no strength to talk.

In fact she hadn't talked to anyone in the past week at all. She avoided people at school. Her mom noticed something was wrong and even figured out that things with Dean ended, but after several failed attempts to get Rory to talk to her she just figured she needed space right now.

Rory wondered at this. How when you feel like you are unable to reach out towards others, people just stop communicating with you altogether. It felt strange. But she just didn't find enough motivation to try to change it.

She sighed and closed her eyes.

"I am one step away from wearing a hoodie and listening to Nine Inch Nails" she thought to herself.

She wondered whether she was actually suffering from clinical depression.

What was it? The Hamilton scale?

Depressed mood - check, feelings of guilt - check, insomnia - check, loss of appetite ... well, at least it's not full blown depression. She went on with her imaginary list. Anxiety - definitely, fatigue - ditto, loss of libido...

She stopped again.

She opened her eyes and thought of the other night. She was lying in her bed drifting between sleep and reality and suddenly remembered that one moment in the car with Tristan. When he leaned over to open the door. His face came close to hers. She remembered his strong arm reaching across, his lean body in the thin cotton shirt.

She got hot thinking about him. She felt some sort of weird primal lust that shocked her and surprised her. Especially since it's been the first intense feeling she's had for days. She wondered where it all came from.

She hadn't talked to him since the car. She had all sorts of plans to avoid him in school, but truth is she didn't have to. He didn't even look at her, let alone acknowledge her. He seemed the same as before. Angry, indifferent, distant.

"You okay?"

The question startled her. She looked up seeing him standing a couple of steps down on the benches. It was as though he stepped out of her thoughts, repeating his question from the car over a week ago.

She looked at him puzzled.

"Yeah" she said uncomfortably, looking away.

"You sure?" he asked again.

She looked back at him. His face was indifferent as ever. It frustrated her. It was like a mask he wore.

"Why do you care?" she asked almost whispering, not even trying to make it seem less hostile.

"I was just trying to make nice" he scoffed "forgive me". He turned around to walk down the steps.

"Sorry" she said dropping her gaze.

Her voice stopped him.

"I just... I feel embarrassed"

He turned around puzzled.

"Embarrassed" he said, more of a statement than a question.

She sighed.

"You caught me in a pretty embarrassing situation last week" she said trying to explain herself, her eyes looking everywhere but him.

He looked at her and a small smile crossed his face.

"That makes us even"

She winced catching his hint.

"Yeah, that too" she groaned and blushed remembering the scene.

His smirk widening he sat down facing her. He studied her face as though he was enjoying her uneasiness.

"Don't worry about it" he said simply, still looking at her.

Rory arched an eyebrow.

He chuckled and got out his cigarettes lighting one.

Rory shifted in her seat uncomfortably.

A long silence ensued.

"What's your name?" he asked her, his tone indifferent, but his eyes sparkling.

She blushed and looked down.

"Rory Hayden Gilmore"

"Hayden Gilmore" he repeated amused, as if the name told him everything he needed to know.

He looked at her intently, smoking his cigarette and Rory squirmed under his gaze.

"You come out here a lot?" he finally asked, his tone as indifferent as ever.

She shrugged her shoulders.

"I see you almost everyday" he stated.

Rory looked around with an uneasy glance. Had he really seen her here before without her noticing?

"Best place to smoke around here" he said as if he could read her question.

"Why do you come?" he continued.

She shrugged her shoulders again looking down.

"It's quiet" she said as if that would explain everything.

He was studying her face now, his blue eyes sparkling. It made her feel strange.

"Did you make up with him?" he asked her, his gaze still fixed on her face, taking a drag from his cigarette, as if that were a perfectly rational next question.

Rory narrowed her eyes.

"The guy in the parking lot" he clarified even though she obviously knew what he meant.

"No" she answered slowly.

He took another drag staring off into the distance.

"It figures" he said.

"What do you mean?" she asked becoming annoyed.

"You didn't seem too happy when you were with him" he stated simply.

Her face turned into a wry smile.

"Do I seem happy now?"

"Good point" he chuckled as he took one last drag then put out his cigarette.

Blowing the smoke out he stood up.

"C'mon. Let's not be late from Mrs. Swanson"

She looked at him doubtful but packing up her stuff nevertheless.

"Since when do you care?"

He chuckled again.

"You, Rory Hayden Gilmore, have unsubstantiated preconceptions" he said as he walked down the steps.

"Fancy words. Studying for the SAT's already?" she asked cynically under her breath.

He chuckled again as he strolled towards the school halls.

Rory followed him and smiled faintly.

He did seem different from what she's thought about him. But he was a mystery still, unpredictable, indecipherable and ... intriguing.

Maybe everything that people knew about him here was wrong. Maybe he wasn't so shallow. Maybe he was forced into this role, forced to play it, but beneath it all he was just as lost as she was.

She contemplated this as she stepped into the hall following him. His steps were confident, long. He walked down the hall but stopped suddenly as a blond girl smiled at him. He changed directions and walked over to her leaning against the lockers.

Rory passed them rolling her eyes.

Then again, maybe he really was that shallow.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She was sitting at the bus stop. She just missed the one that left and now had a good 25 minutes before the next one. Getting home after school became a bit more difficult since Dean hasn't been picking her up.

It had been a long day. And she was in a bad mood. It was a kind of day when there is something tightening in your chest, as if you had forgotten to do something, but you can't quite grasp what, so you just sit there annoyed and irritated.

And now this 25 minutes she had to wait.

She sat on the bench and pulled out her book deciding no time is wasted if it's spent reading.

"Need a ride?"

She looked up to hear the voice that has become way too familiar.

Tristan was looking at her from the driver's seat of his car that was standing right in front of her in the bus stop. His face free of all emotions.

It annoyed her to no end.

He was coming up to talk to her one minute, then ignored her the next. She didn't know whether it was this that annoyed her more or the fact that she felt her pulse quicken when she saw him.

"That's okay, thanks" she said, returning her gaze to the book. She didn't need another source of anxiety right now.

"Get in" he said. His voice wasn't demanding, nor pleading. He just stated it calmly.

She put her book down in her lap and narrowed her eyes trying to figure him out.

Then she got up suddenly and walked over to sit in the car.

The bout of confidence surprised her once again. He seemed to bring that out of her.

He started driving as soon as she closed the door not bothering to say anything more. Silence engulfing them once again. For once it didn't seem uncomfortable for her. It seemed nice. Undemanding.

She eased into the passenger seat and looked out on the trees by the side of the road. It felt calm and the anxiety in her chest seemed to die off. He didn't say a thing, didn't ask for directions. He knew them from last time.

Rory wondered why he was doing this. Stars Hollow was obviously not on his way. She decided it didn't matter. She decided it was going to be one less thing she obsessed about.

Her house came into view and she marvelled once again at the fact that time seemed to go faster when he was taking her home. She looked at her house, that strange feeling returning to her chest again as the car stopped.

She sighed letting her head drop back into the headrest.

He turned towards her and studied her for a couple of seconds.

"Let's go somewhere else instead" she said simply staring ahead.

That strange confidence talking again. Where does it come from?

He started the engine back again and pulled out from in front of her house.


	4. On the back of a hurricane

Once again a completely silent ride. Not talking to him in his car has become something familiar and comfortable.

She sat in the passenger seat and wondered what the heck she was doing sitting in there again with him going somewhere as the sun was already going down.

She was not that type of girl.

But somehow, right now that didn't stop her.

She was running from that weird feeling, that anxiety that followed her everywhere and only seemed to pass when he was next to her, quiet, serious and distant.

She didn't know where they were. They were somewhere outside of Hartford, driving through a forest. Half the time she was immersed in thoughts and didn't even follow which roads he'd been taking.

He slowed the car and stopped on a little clearing. She noticed water ahead, the last beams of the sun reflecting on the small waves. She watched stunned. She had no idea where they were.

He had already gotten out of the car and was walking down to the shore staring out to the little lake.

She got out slowly, her movements stalling, as if she was trying to understand the situation.

"Well this is interesting" she said as she reached him and looked out on the lake also "Will Dawson and Joey be joining us as well?

She heard him chuckle lightly."I don't know what's worse, the fact that you are referencing a shitty TV-show or that I actually realize that" he replied.

He picked up a couple of stones and started throwing them out into the water.

"It' s just... wow... I never would have thought you'd know places like this" she explained.

"Again with the preconceptions" he said, his voice indifferent as ever.

"You come here a lot?" she asked him watching him throw another stone into the water.

He shrugged his shoulders.

"It's quiet" he said looking at her for a second with a small smirk, mirroring their conversation from before.

"I thought you hung out with those kids from Hartford" she said, still looking at him.

"I do" he answered "sometimes"

"How come you don't have any friends at Chilton?" she asked him looking out into the water now eying the ripples his stones were setting off.

He smirked.

"I don't know. How come you don't have any?"

She furrowed her brows.

"I have friends" she said defensive, crossing her arms.

He laughed and threw another stone in.

"Is that why you hang out at the bleachers every day?"

She sighed.

"I just sort of like being alone lately" she said more to herself than to him.

He stopped and turned to look at her.

"Sometimes you just feel like talking to anyone takes up so much energy, its just not worth it" she went on.

"Yeah. That's probably why I don't have friends at Chilton" he smiled a faint smile.

"Does it scare you?" he asked.

She looked at him questioning.

"This way you've been feeling lately?" he clarified.

She looked at him disturbed. She couldn't figure him out. He seemed so indifferent, so distant, yet he could ask questions that hit her right in her heart, like he saw into her even though he knew nothing about her. Like he knew more about her than the people that were supposed to love her and live with her.

"The emptiness does. The indifference" she said.

She wondered for a second how obscure their dialogue would sound for an outside listener. But for her it felt like she didn't need to put a lot of effort into explaining herself to be able to make him understand.

"Does it ever scare you?" she asked.

He smiled again, turning back to the water and throwing yet another stone.

"I've gotten used to it

"This answer made her feel uneasy. Like it was a prophecy somehow.

She walked back to the car and got into the passenger seat, her face worried, her gaze fixed on a spot on the windshield.

He turned around when he noticed her and followed her, sitting in the car as well.

They sat there for a couple of seconds in silence in the dusk.

She felt so strange sitting there. As though she was looking in on her body from the outside. The way she acted around him, it was so unreal. As though her words and actions were not controlled by her but were channeled from somewhere unknown. She acted automatically.

She turned towards him and suddenly moved closer to him, lifting her leg and coming to sit in his lap straddling him. She leaned closer inhaling his smell as if she were trying to recreate that moment when she first felt that overwhelming pull towards him. None of these actions were conscious, she felt as though she moved passively, obeying some weird law of physics.

Her head was so close to his, their faces side by side. She felt him stiffen as the sudden movements she made surprised him. She was oddly aware of his scent, his breathing, everything about him.

"What are you doing?" his voice came low, almost a whisper. His brows furrowed, but his voice was calm.

She hesitated.

"I'm just trying to not feel empty" she whispered desperately. She could feel his breathing quickening, but he didn't move.

Her hands moved up his chest, feeling his toned body through his shirt. She leaned even closer obeying the pull towards him that was like gravity and brushed her lips to the side of his mouth.

He closed his eyes and inhaled sharply.

"Rory. What are you doing?" he repeated. His voice still low, but more husky.

She didn't answer. She pulled back and started to unbutton his shirt, her movements jerky, hasty, her gaze concentrating on her fingers.  
He watched her helplessly not moving as if he was trying to understand her motivation.

She finished unbuttoning his shirt and her hands moved down to his pants. She leaned into him once again and kissed his neck as her small hands slid down to his crotch.

He sighed.

"Rory" he called her name again, this time his voice more determined.

It made her stop and move back, her gaze anxious, her breathing heavy and her eyes dark.

She stared at him, his face frozen in a questioning expression.

She sighed frustrated and pushed the door open, getting off of him and out of the car in one swift motion slamming the door behind her.  
She walked down towards the spot they were standing in earlier, her steps quick, her movements angry, her frustration driving her. She heard him open the door a second after she slammed it shut and could hear his hurried steps behind her.

She felt a hand on her arm and gasped as he flung her around.

"Is this what you want?" his voice was not indifferent this time around, it was low, slightly shaking and filled with tension. His eyes were dark and cloudy, his breathing heavy.

"I don't know what I want" she almost yelled, her frustration imminent.

He pushed her up against the lonely tree standing by the shore, and moved in closer, his face only inches away from hers, his gaze intense.

"Is this what you want?" he repeated, his voice more determined but barely a whisper "Is this going to make it better?" he questioned her.

She looked at him, her expression desperate. She seemed so lost, so helpless.

She stared at his face, so full of emotion and so different from what she's seen before. It was like she could see behind the mask of indifference and see the struggle, the doubt, everything she felt inside herself as well.

It was like he was struggling to make the right choice, struggling to resist.

She couldn't stop staring at his eyes that seemed to speak to her, seamed to show her everything he was feeling.

His expression changed suddenly. As though he gave up trying to be rational. A sort of calm came over his features.

He closed his eyes and his lips met hers. She responded right away, wanting the kiss to be more urgent, demanding. She opened her mouth desperate to give him more access and he gave in, pushing his tongue in her mouth as his hands came up to her neck pulling her even closer to him. He broke away to gasp for air and plunged into another kiss, this time more intense, unappeasable. She welcomed it as though he was a cure, a bandage for a gaping wound.

Her mind let go of the thoughts that were swarming in her head and she finally felt like that tight feeling in her chest was released. His scent, his touch, his kisses, everything felt new and familiar at the same time.

Her arms moved around his torso pulling him closer.

She opened her eyes to look at him. His eyes were shut as though it would have hurt to open them. He was kissing her with such a fever that it overwhelmed her and fueled her desire.

She felt a need rise inside the pit of her stomach and she let him lean her against the tree.

He broke away from her mouth, still not opening his eyes and moved over to her neck kissing every inch of her skin, inhaling her smell.  
Her hands were shaking, her breathing was fast and hard and she felt adrenaline swarm through her body. She felt her hands move in urgency to unbuckle his pants.

He stopped her to slow her down and she sighed frustrated closing her eyes and letting him take the lead once again. He lifted her slightly, wrapping one of her legs around his waist and pushing her up against the tree.

He supported her with one hand on her hips and the other moved under her skirt making it's way up her leg . She sighed in anticipation, her frustration growing still.

She wanted to feel him inside of her, wanted her mind to be a blank.

He went back to kissing her, his hips grinding against hers. Feeling his arousal turned her on and she sighed.

As if obeying her silent commands, he let her slip back to the ground and his hands grabbed her panties pushing them down. They fell to the ground around her feet and she bit her lower lip and closed her eyes as she felt his hand reach between her legs. Her hands went behind her back grabbing the tree for support and her head fell back as she sighed. She felt him slip a finger inside of her and she let out a moan as he started moving it in and out of her.

The sensation was turning her on even more and she could feel herself becoming more and more wet. Her face felt hot and her breathing became rapid.

She reached to unbuckle his pants once again and this time he didn't resist. He pulled his hand back and she whimpered at the loss of sensation. He kissed her again and reached in his back pocket as she fumbled to free him of his pants. He pulled out his wallet, getting a condom out as his pants fell to the ground as well.

Rory tugged at his boxers, letting them fall and she ran a hand along his hardened member, feeling his length. He exhaled sharply and pulled away from her, rolling the condom onto himself.

He moved closer to her again pushing her up against the tree and hesitated for a moment, his breathing heavy, his eyes dark and fixed on hers.

She gasped as she felt him slide into her slowly and her eyes fluttered shut. He let out a long breath and kept his eyes open staring at her face.

The sensation of his hard penis filling her made her lose her breath and she moaned as he started thrusting into her slow at first then gradually quickening the pace.

He pushed deep into her, burying his face in her hair, one of his arms circling her waist and his other hand going up to the back of her head. He kissed her with passion and moaned into her mouth sending shivers down her spine.

His thrusts became more and more frantic and he bent her hips forward to change the angle. The sensation of him rubbing against her clit with each thrust pushed her closer to the edge and she held him even more tight, her nails digging into his back.

She bit her lower lip and she let her head drop back as she felt her body being lifted and a wave of pleasure wash over her. She let out a loud moan, her body jerking for long seconds. Her senses still overcome, she could barely make out his muffled cry as he emptied into her with one last thrust, his whole body tensing.

He slowly dropped to the ground holding onto her, with her legs around his waist still. They remained there intertwined for long minutes, their breathing slowly returning to normal.

She couldn't tell how much time had passed. She felt him move and she opened her eyes to look at him, his eyes dark and swirling with emotions. He looked at her as if he were trying to find the words but failing and he sighed as he brushed the fallen strands of hair from her face.

She stared at him, still clinging onto him and it seemed as though reality came rushing back to her. The pleasant exhaustion in her body was suddenly giving way to anxiety again and she closed her eyes frowning as she pulled away.

She heard him sigh deeply but didn't look at him anymore. She got up instead straightening her clothes and her movements hasty and nervous she made her way back to the car, getting inside and sinking into the shelter of the passenger seat.

It was long seconds later that he got in next to her. It was dark and the two of them sat there unable to say anything. With one last sigh barely audible, he started the car.

xxxxxxxxxx

She opened the door as soon as he stopped his car in front of her house and got out not saying a word. She walked into the house swiftly and she could feel his icy blue stare burning holes in her back.

She shut the front door behind her and leaned back closing her eyes and sighing listening to him speed off.

"Who was that?"

Her eyes snapped open as she heard her mother's voice. She was standing towards her right holding Rory's sleeping baby brother in her arms.

She took a deep breath trying to regain her composure.

"Just a classmate"

"Really? What's his name?" she went on, her tone playful and intrigued.

"Tristan. DuGrey" she said absentminded "we were working on a … uhm… project in school and he dropped me off" she said slightly annoyed and started up the stairs.

Her mother looked on narrowing her eyes.

She could tell when Rory was not telling the truth, she was pathetically bad at lying.

She turned back to look out the window once again to the spot she saw him in his car a minute ago and sighed uneasy.


	5. Barely

Rory was standing in front of her open locker taking out her French book for fifth period. She slammed her locker shut and jumped back as she saw Tristan standing a mere inches away, his expression nonchalant as ever.

She felt a flush in her face and her heart rate picked up.

"You weren't at the bleachers today" he said, his voice calm, low and quiet. His eyes were fixed on her face watching her intently.

She squirmed under his gaze and looked away uncomfortable.

"I-I had stuff to do" she said shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

Of course it wasn't true. The truth was that she was avoiding him.

She woke up that morning and suddenly panic set in. It felt as though the night before she had been in a haze, acting in a dreamlike state and as the memories rushed back to her, she became more and more nervous.

She couldn't understand what drove her to act like she did and all she knew was that the anxiety she was trying to escape came back with a vengeance, twice as strong as before.

She took a deep breath and stood there like a child caught telling a lie, her eyes fixed on the floor.

Tristan let out a quick breath, it almost felt like a sign of frustration, but she couldn't tell for sure.

"What are you doing tonight?" he asked slowly, as if talking to a child, making sure she understood the question.

She looked up bewildered, her breathing quickening. Her eyes were a swirling sea of blue. She hadn't expected that question. The truth was she was avoiding him and never even thought of the fact she would have to face him or talk with him.

"I.." she started but trailed of, looking away again, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears "I actually have work to do... just you know... some stuff..." she answered.

"Stuff" he cut her off, saying the word like it was an accusation, his voice hard and full of reproach.

He scoffed looking up over her head and smiled a wry smile.

"Alright then" he said and walked past her, brushing by her lightly.

She stood there clutching her French book, holding onto it for dear life and closing her eyes in frustration.

She stood there for a second, then slowly started walking towards her classroom. She sat at her desk and glanced at the door every now and then, expecting him to walk in.

He never did.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Once again, she didn't know what she was doing. Standing in the nearly empty parking lot, leaning against the hood of a car. His car.  
She was on autopilot again.

She'd been sitting in the bus stop waiting for her ride and spotted his car. She knew he was in detention. For missing Mrs. Swanson's class that day they last talked. And the day after. And the day after that.

In fact today had been the first day he actually showed up in school.

She saw him in the morning walking down the hall. She was so caught off guard having seen him after three days that she forgot to look away. She stared at him walking, her heart starting to race. He didn't even glance her way.

She didn't see him at the bleachers either. She had resumed going there every lunch break and even had a hint of anticipation every time she sat down, but he never showed.

She wasn't shocked. Their last interaction had been pretty weird. The one before even stranger. She had pushed the thought of the two of them out of her head about a thousand times a day. Not being able to rationalize it.

And as she sat on the bench at the bus stop concentrating on his car, she suddenly got a notion to walk over to it and wait for him there. It was a notion she couldn't explain. Or control.

She stood there, her mind a blank and didn't move as she saw him walking out through the gates, his jacket in one hand, his other hand in his pocket searching for his car keys.

He did not notice her until he was only a couple of feet away looking up. He stopped and stared at her.

Rory shifted her weight uncomfortably, suddenly not knowing what to do.

His face was stern, his eyes clouding over. He sighed and there was a hint of annoyance in it.

"What?" he said walking over to the car, unlocking it and throwing his stuff in the back.

She remained silent and followed his movements with her eyes.

He ran a hand through his hair and groaned quietly in frustration.

He looked at her intently as if he was debating with himself.

"Get in" he finally said, not looking at her and already getting in the driver's seat.

Rory obeyed the order silently.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tristan DuGrey was in her room.

The Tristan DuGrey that she didn't even personally know two weeks ago.

The Tristan DuGrey she's had sex with after having talked to him about twice in her whole life.

Here he was moving through her room, silently, examining every bookshelf, every picture, every object.

Their ride home had been as silent as all their rides. She could feel the tension radiating from him. She could tell he was frustrated with her. Which was understandable.

She was frustrated with herself as well. The way she acted didn't make any sense at all. She found herself acting out irrationally, doing things that were completely unexplainable. She found herself not minding consequences.

It was not at all like her. She was not like that. She was cool and determined, rational and careful. She didn't break up with boyfriends and avoid friends and have sex with strangers. This was not her.

Then again the emptiness was unfamiliar as well. The anxiety in her chest. And the feeling of wanting to get away from it all.

Being with him seemed to help with that. As though creating external tension would ease up the one inside of her.  
So here she was with him in her room.

She saw that her family wasn't home as he pulled up in front of her house. She remembered her mom telling her something about a play date or something else. She couldn't recall exactly. She told him to come inside. Not asked, just told him, again the strange confidence coming over her and the haze setting in on her. She walked into the house and up the stairs to her room turning back every now and then to look at him follow uncertain through the house.

And now she sat on her bed and watched him pace up and down her room, like a caged tiger, moving silently, not looking at her, getting lost in his task of examining every last detail in her room instead.

He seemed... affected. That drew a smile on her face. She was used to him being distant, indifferent. Now he was obviously releasing his tension with the walking, the examining.

His eyes caught hers and the slight smile on her face surprised him. He stopped.

"You're having fun?" he said, not hiding the frustration in his voice.

She looked away, raising her arms slightly in defence, wiping the smile from her face.

It didn't seem to convince him. He stood there, his eyes fiery, his eyebrows furrowed, as if he had some question in the back of his mind that he was unable to formulate, unable to voice.

The room was dim, the light outside already fading. They stared at each other for long seconds, not talking.

"Come here" she said, her voice quiet, confident but her gaze dropping to the floor as if meeting his eyes with hers would make her blush. The request was like lightning striking through the room. He stood there as if he were unable to move.

He took a deep breath as if trying to regain control. It seemed for a second that he could resist, but then he moved over to her, standing in front of her, letting her wrap her arms around his waist and her head rest against his stomach.

She let out a long breath and pulled him closer, burying her face in his hold.

His hand moved up to her hair undecided, running his fingers through it.

It felt so reassuring for her. As if feeling another body's heat would revitalize her own. She gripped him desperately then pulled him down on her bed lying back.

He obeyed silently coming to lay on top of her.

She closed her eyes welcoming the feeling of his weight pushing down on her.

He sighed frustrated, his anger towards her still not gone.

He found her mouth with his and forced her lips open with his tongue, kissing her with ferocity as if he was trying to punish her or take revenge on her. She sighed relieved and melted into his kiss, letting him take over, yielding to him.

She didn't protest as he raised her arms above her head pinning her to the bed with one arm and running the other one down her side.

He groaned in frustration and pleasure as he traced the inside of her mouth with his tongue then sucked on her lower lip violently.

His breathing was heavy, his movements inattentive. He forced her legs apart with his own and she raised her legs to wrap them around his waist.

He ground his hips into hers and she moaned as she felt him hardening rapidly.

She felt the heat rise inside of her, her breathing quickening, her blood running in her vessels and her core aching to be filled by him.

He let go of her arms and his hands slipped down to her chest shamelessly roaming her body. He broke away from kissing her and unbuttoned her shirt, peeling it off of her. He raised her slightly, unhooking her bra and discarding it also.

Rory felt her breath caught in her chest as he moved down to take one of her nipples in his mouth sucking on it energetically while his hand massaged the other breast. She moaned out loud enjoying the sensation.

He bit down on her hardened nipple and she let out a cry from the sudden electrical bolt she felt shooting down to her core. She was panting hard and her arms went around his back tugging at his shirt.

He released his hold on her breast and grabbed her hands forcing her arms back over her head again, slamming them hard into the bed while grinding into her hips with his.

She gasped and her eyes widened seeing his desire.

For a second he stared at her, his eyes filled with lust, his chest heavily rising and falling, watching the surprise on her face.

His lips moved to kiss her neck and suck on the skin. He held her arms with one hand again, his other hand moving down under her to cup her ass and tug at her panties.

He rose suddenly, leaving her lying back and him kneeling on the bed between her legs. He pushed her skirt up and removed her panties throwing them on the floor behind him.

Looking down on her, staring at her face flushed and her hair spilled around her on the bed, he unbuttoned his shirt, discarding it, then took his T-shirt off as well.Rory stared at his masculine form, his muscles flexing as he hastily unbuckled his pants and got off the bed to kick his pants off.

Her breath was caught in her chest again as she watched him standing naked in front of her bed getting out a condom from his discarded pants.

His skin seemed to glow with a blue haze in the dark room, his body fit and chiseled, his erection full blown. She found herself staring shamelessly as he rolled the condom onto himself.

He came back down on the bed lying next to her, his one arm going back to pin her hands to the bed, his lips finding her nipple again and his other hand going in between her legs.

She closed her eyes and moaned as she felt him slide his fingers inside of her. His touch was peremptory, his hold on her stubborn and she let him do whatever he wanted as if it was her penitence holding her still. His intensity overwhelmed her. It was as though all his frustration, the feelings bottled up inside of him were released and he was controlled by these.

She obeyed him breathless, astonished by how her body reacted to him and his every touch.

He moved his fingers in and out of her and she closed her eyes letting her head fall back giving into the sensations that were taking over her body. His thumb found her clit and rubbed it gently making her inhale sharply.

He moved away from her breast and came to look at her face, studying her expression, his breathing heavy while his fingers continued their work.

Rory bit her lip trying to keep herself from moaning.

He noticed and increased the speed of his movements, still staring at her face, as if he was trying to make her lose that last bit of control.

The sensation drove her wild. She squirmed on the bed, lying there defenceless with his other hands still pinning her arms to the bed.

She panted hard, loud moans coming from her mouth as she felt his movements bringing her closer to the edge.

Her eyes shut tight, she heard him get up and move over her between her legs. He was still rubbing her, but removed the rest of his fingers and entered her instead making her eyes snap open.

The combined sensation pushed her over the edge and she came hard, moaning, jerking and contracting around him as he knelt there motionless looking down on her staring at her face.

Her moans slowly softened into soft whimpers as she panted hard, goosebumps forming all over her body.

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, his eyes dark and full of lust, his breathing heavy. He was kneeling in front of her, with her legs around him, his hands resting on her hips, his body still motionless, his member inside of her.

Her breath caught in her chest as she saw the want in his eyes, his arousal making his whole body tremble lightly, and his breathing heavy.

She arched her back slightly in an inviting motion and watched as he closed his eyes, the sensation making him crazy. He cursed under his breath and pulled out of her slightly to thrust into her again.

She watched him as he started a slow rhythm, his hands grabbing her hips to raise her slightly to meet his thrusts.

His breathing heavy, he set his jaws as if trying to stop the grunts coming from his mouth.

His movements turned her on again and she moaned.

His eyes snapped open at the sound and he stared at her face, thrusting into her, his frequency increasing.

She pulled him down onto her, and he buried his face in her hair, supporting his weight on his arms. He groaned into her ear with every thrust and it aroused her even more.

She wrapped her legs around his waist and raised her hips to meet his thrusts that were becoming more and more frantic.

She was so close again and the sensation of him inside of her made her lose all control, her moans coming loud. She felt his body tense as he let out a low growl coming with one final thrust that pushed her over the edge as well. She felt her body shake violently and the pleasure she was experiencing made her cry out.

She felt his hand cover her mouth muffling her cries. She opened her eyes to see his face inches away from her, his breathing still heavy, and his eyes full of emotions, but his expression alert. He turned his head lightly and he seemed to be listening.

She looked at him with a questioning expression, her head still in a haze when she suddenly heard light noises coming from downstairs.

Her eyes widened as she heard her mother's singsong voice yelling, informing her they had arrived.

"Fuck" she whispered exhaling.

He was already up gathering his clothes and she sat up as well, feeling the dizziness take over her for a second. She grabbed for her scattered clothes and put them on frantically hearing her father's voice.

"Rory, you home?"

She looked around the room desperately, pulling on her skirt, thinking of a way to hide him. She looked at him helplessly and saw that he had already put his clothes on and was walking to her window.

"What are you doing?" she whispered as she saw him lift the window effortlessly.

He looked back at her silently and started climbing out the window.

"You can't climb out my window, it's too high" she whispered desperately as she heard her father call out her name once again.

"That tree is close, I'll just jump over and climb down there" he said, his voice surprisingly calm, but his breathing still not normal.

She stared at him wide-eyed, grabbing his arms as he was already out on the roof.

"You'll hurt yourself" she whispered.

"I've done it before" he answered, his face as indifferent as she's seen him at school.

That answer was like cold water, it seemed to pull her back to reality. She let go of his hands.

"Right" she whispered dropping her gaze.

"Roryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" she heard her mom's voice and she cursed looking back towards her door.

She heard a crackling noise and looked back out her window seeing he had already jumped over to the tree.

She sighed and turned around dashing out of her room and downstairs to meet her parents who were unpacking groceries in their kitchen.

"Heyya kid!" Christopher greeted her cheerfully "where were you?"

"Uhm, I-I fell asleep... it was a tough day at school" she said trying to steady her breathing and sighed relieved as he passed her giving her a kiss on the top of her head walking out into their living room picking up Matt, her little brother.

She looked up and saw her mother looking at her intently.

"Your buttons are all wrong" she said suggestively and Rory looked down on her shirt exhaling uncomfortably and mumbling something as she turned around to walk out of the kitchen.

Lorelai narrowed her eyes looking after her and turned her head towards the window as she heard an engine start rapidly and a car driving off.


	6. What engine rooms are for

Rory was walking into the main hall of Chilton on Monday morning with a strange feeling gripping her stomach.

She hadn't seen him since Friday night when they were nearly caught.

She wasn't surprised.

First of all it was a close call. Obviously, he was happy to have gotten out of there without any drama. And second, he didn't even know her phone number.

Not that she thought he would call her.

It was all too complicated. She tried over and over again over the weekend to understand how she's gotten into a situation like this.

But she couldn't come to terms with it. Everything seemed to happen so fast in the last couple of weeks. And nothing made any sense when it came to him. They had barely even talked, but they've already been more intimate than she's ever been with Dean.

When they talked, he seemed to read her mind. And when they didn't talk, there was all that tension. And then of course there was the sex.

She sighed.

The sex was incredible. It blew her mind. Her every nerve ending responded to his touch, his voice made her lose all control and their times together have been so intense she got hot just thinking about it.

She tried not to. All weekend long she had been trying to keep busy, burying herself in work and books. But every now and then she had a flashback of what it felt like to be with him, to smell his scent, to feel his touch over her body.

It scared her how much it affected her. It had been the only thing in months that actually affected her in any way, that consumed her.

And of course she was unsure of what was going to happen. It was all so inexplicable.

She walked down the hall and stopped suddenly seeing him standing in front of his locker, packing his books in lazily.

She swallowed hard and looked around desperately.

He didn't try to contact her after what happened. He wouldn't have had any way, but maybe he didn't even want to. It would have fit his track record.

But then again, last time he didn't ignore her. And he seemed so affected and frustrated with her hesitancy.

She took a deep breath and started walking towards him with long steps. She stopped right next to him and looked at his face intently.

"Hey" she said and watched as he turned to her, a hint of surprise flashing in his eyes for a split second.

It only lasted that long, the indifference returned to his face and he looked back returning to his packing.

"Hey" he said, his voice low, unaffected.

She sighed uneasy, looking around nervously, noticing some people already looking at them.

"I just wanted to know you were alright.. that you didn't hurt yourself or something..." she said hesitantly feeling more and more uncomfortable.

He finished packing his stuff and closed his locker, his hand staying resting against it for a second and him staring forward. He took a deep breath, as if contemplating what to do.

"I'm fine" he replied curtly, exhaling.

Rory felt silly standing there. Suddenly it felt stupid and she cursed herself for having come up to him.

"Alright, I'll see you later then" she said hastily and started walking by him.

His voice stopped her.

"At the bleachers?"

She turned back towards him surprised.

"What?" she asked not understanding.

"I'll see you later at the bleachers at lunch?" he quietly said, formulating the words slowly as if he were explaining something to a child.

Rory looked at him for another second, her surprise still not gone.

"Yeah" she said uncertain.

"Okay" he said and turned in the other direction walking away.

She stood there unable to move, staring after him.

xxxxxxxxxxx

She sat at the bleachers once again.

She felt uneasy about the whole thing. The last two times she was alone with him she ended up losing all rational. But it also was the only time she felt good, the only time she seemed to escape the gloom that had been over her lately.

She flipped through her book absent minded thinking of their time together in her bedroom. And the way he left. He fled the scene so quickly.

It was probably a good thing. She couldn't imagine how it would have been like if their parents would have seen them. She would have had to explain herself, explain who he was. When she wasn't even sure of that herself.

She wondered about this.

How little she knew about him. And how little she's learned about him the times they've been together. Yet she still felt drawn to him. Which was why she was sitting there waiting for him right now.

If she would have thought about the whole thing for more than a second, she probably would have realized how insane it all was. How insane the whole last couple of weeks have been. But she didn't think. All thoughts were a burden, she liked her mind a blank nowadays.

"What are you reading?" he asked as he sat down next to her, his side touching hers lightly.

She looked up startled. She hadn't even noticed him approaching.

She looked down on her book.

"It's The Stranger, Camus. It's for class."

He lit up a cigarette and blew out the smoke.

"Don't you have to read it for your class?" she asked not knowing what to say.

He was looking out on the football field, his face seemed tired.

"I guess"

"You are not falling over yourself to do well in school, are you?" she said, but regretted it right away. It sounded so strange.

He smirked closing his eyes lazily.

"What is the point?" he asked, not giving her a straight answer.

"I don't know, get good grades, get into a good school, so you can end up doing what you want to do?" she asked timidly.

"You think that's the only way you are going to get what you want in your life?" he asked looking at her now, studying her face.

"Well. It helps, doesn't it. I mean a good school opens up doors"

He looked at her, a hint of amusement playing on his face.

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

She blushed.

"I want to do journalism"

"Journalism" he repeated, she swore there was a hint of condescendence in his voice.

"I want to try to get into Harvard and then get some good clerkships..." she trailed off, she suddenly felt very self conscious and she didn't know how they got to talking about this.

"Sounds like a plan"

"What do you want to do?" she asked looking at him shyly.

He took a deep breath.

"I don't really know. Haven't figured out yet" he paused "I want to do something that keeps me interested. I haven't found anything that  
keeps me interested for a very long time" he said, taking another drag. She dropped her gaze nervously, this last line seemed like a hint.

He went on.

"But I don't think that it's rational to expect a 17 year old to make a decision about his future. And I definitely don't think it's so important to get into an Ivy League school"

"It gets you places" she interrupted.

He looked at her smiling faintly.

"Yeah? I thought it was your mind that gets you places"

Rory looked at him narrowing her eyes.

"I think it doesn't matter at all. As long as you have what it takes, you can go to a fucking community college and you'll still get wherever you want to go" he said, looking out into the field again "I believe very strongly in the power of the mind"

"Or you're just dumbly optimistic" she quipped.

He chuckled.

"Yeah. That's me. Tristan DuGrey, hopeless optimist" he said cynically. He took another drag from his cigarette, slowly blowing out the smoke.

"So Harvard?" he turned to her, a slight smile playing on his lips.

She blushed again. She looked out onto the field, not being able to look at him. She suddenly felt childish.

"Yeah, I guess" she shrugged her shoulders.

"You don't seem too enthusiastic" he stated.

She sighed.

"I've just been undecided lately"

"Undecided?" he asked, looking at her intently.

"Yeah"

"About Harvard?" he asked, and she heard that flinch of amusement again.

"About everything" she said, her voice barely a whisper, suddenly stern.

"Maybe that's a good thing" he said, his voice matching hers.

She turned to him, her expression questioning him.

"Dreams have to be second-guessed" he explained, smiling faintly.

She smiled. Those words brought a strange calm over her, they seemed to reassure her.

She watched him finish putting out his cigarette and gaze out at the field again.

Suddenly, his expression became alert.

Rory furrowed her brows and turned her face to see what he was focusing on.

At the other end of the field there was a janitor staring at them.

"C'mon" he said under his breath as he got up and reached out a hand to grab hers.

She yelped in surprise as he pulled her up and with him, descending the stairs quickly.

She looked back at the janitor and heard as he was yelling something after them, but then lost sight of him as they turned around the corner  
of the engine room.

She felt her heart race. Not only because of the possibility of getting caught out here, but by the sudden rush of adrenaline, and the feel of his hand holding hers.

He opened the door to the engine room and slid in, pulling her with him into the far end of the room.The room was dark and she felt her back hit the wall as he turned back towards the door, his hand still on hers, dragging her with him. They stood there for a couple of seconds, their breathing quick.

"Maybe it's not the smartest thing to hide from a janitor in the engine room" Rory finally whispered into his ear.

He turned around, an amused smile on his face.

"Who said we're hiding?" he asked as he stepped closer to her, trapping her between the wall and himself, with a smirk well in place.

Rory's breath caught in her chest. She looked at his face right in front of hers, his blue eyes sparkling, his breathing still fast, and a smile slowly creeping on his face.

She squirmed and felt her face flush, her breathing quickening once again.

He lazily raised his arms to lean against the wall, making her feel even more trapped and bringing his face even closer to her.

"What?" he asked, still smiling, hovering over her as she seemed to shrink.

She stared at him for a second, paralysed by his gaze.

"We should get back" she whispered, feeling uneasy all of a sudden.

"Why are you always running?" he asked, his face calm, his tone matching hers.

She looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights.

"I'm not always running" she said, the words barely coming out, looking away not being able to withstand the intent look he was watching her with.

"Well that's true, you're not always running. Sometimes you push forward. You're a regular doctor Jekyll and mister Hyde" he said, his voice low. She stared at his mouth, concentrating on understanding the words, feeling his breath on her face.

She looked at him, her expression changing. She furrowed her brows and felt the anxiety return to her chest.

"Why do you do that?" he whispered, his face coming even closer, his mouth almost touching her face.

Her breathing quickened again as the question hit her.

"I don't know" she said, her voice becoming frustrated.

"You're playing games with me" he whispered in her ear, moving closer to her, his face slightly touching the side of her face.

She opened her mouth to protest, but no words came out.

"God knows why I let you" he mumbled, more to himself then to her as his lips moved to kiss the soft skin on her neck.

She exhaled finally feeling his touch, resting her weight against the wall. His arms went around her waist pulling her closer and his lips moved up on her neck and along her jaw, finally finding her mouth and kissing her passionately.

He closed his eyes and moaned softly, his tongue darting into her mouth, tasting her. She welcomed him and sighed as she felt his hands move down and under her skirt.

He kissed her with a fever, wanting to devour her and she didn't protest, letting him take control.

He broke away and stood back to look at her face, her expression surprised by the sudden loss of contact. His eyes dark and sparkling, he stared at her.

He smiled for a second as if an idea had just crossed his mind.

She looked at him questioning, trying to steady her breathing and gasped as she saw him lower himself onto his knees, his hands sliding under her skirt and hastily pulling her panties down.

She looked on surprised as he buried his face between her legs. She felt his tongue sliding over her entrance and she cursed out loud, the sensation making her lose all control. Her last bit of resistance vanished and she sighed letting herself sink into the pleasure she was experiencing.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

She followed him walking briskly, holding his hand, her breathing still shallow, her body still not settled. Their footsteps echoed on the empty halls of the school and she realised she's never seen them this empty. Having never been late from any class.

They reached the door of the classroom and he reached out his hand to open the door when he felt her stop dead in her track. He turned back, his face calm, to look at her face.

He studied her worried expression for a second, then sighed understanding. He stepped back behind the door and motioned her to get in.

He watched as she opened the door sliding in and waited outside.

"Miss Gilmore?" Mrs. Swanson looked at her with surprise on her face.

Rory blushed slightly feeling all eyes on her.

"Well, I am certainly not used to you being late"

Rory listened to her scolding and mumbled an excuse under her breath. She was grateful when she could finally sink into her chair, letting out a breath she'd been holding all along. She sat there, trying to steady her breathing and acknowledging all the sensations in her body.

It was like waking from a dream again. Every time with him had been like that. It was as though being with him was something she did while unconscious, not thinking straight, and reality was now slowly creeping back on her.

She looked up as she saw him open the door and walk in confidently.

"Mr. DuGrey. I can't say I am shocked by your tardiness. Although I would have thought yesterday's detention would serve as a deterrent. Apparently not"

Tristan smiled faintly and walked to his seat.

Rory felt like her face turned a bright shade of red and she sank low into her seat.

She was suddenly reminded of the first day of school and all that had happened since then.

It all seemed surreal.


	7. How am I not myself?

He had the strangest lips. One minute they felt soft and soothing on hers and the next, they seemed to attack her with such a fever and ferocity it left her baffled. All she could do is let him kiss her, giving into the sensations his touch elicited. Kissing him made her mind rid of the thoughts screaming in her head, made her leave it all behind and it had become an addiction she could hardly resist.

She thought of all this faintly as she sat in his car, his body leaning over to her side, his lips on hers and his arms pulling her close.

She jumped as she heard a familiar voice clear her throat. Her eyes snapped open to see her mother looking in through the side window.

"Uhm… hey there" she started, her expression a mix of amusement and cynicism "you, my good lad, are blocking my driveway… and your tongue is down my daughter's throat"

Tristan looked at her, his expression as nonchalant as ever.

"Sorry" he said, without a hint of regret.He turned to Rory.

"I'll see you tomorrow" he whispered and started his car as Rory got out, her face a bright shade of red.

She stared at the ground as he pulled out with his car leaving her and her mother staring at each other.

"Hi" Lorelai started.

Rory knew that tone, it was the 'I am gonna grill you and frustrate you and have a field day with this' tone.

Rory rolled her eyes and turned to walk towards the house

"Hold on a sec" Lorelai dashed after her "you are not just gonna walk inside after I catch you making out with James Dean in his car in front of our home"

"Mom, I am not in the mood"

"Yeah, you in the mood for something else?" she said suggestively.

"Mom!" Rory yelled in an annoyed tone as she opened the front door and walked inside.

She turned to walk up the stairs but felt her mother's hand on her arm.

"Rory" she said, her tone changing, suddenly concerned "what is going on?"

Rory sighed turning to face her.

"Nothing Mom, it's… it's nothing, okay, don't make a big deal out of this"

"Are you seeing him?"

Rory scoffed.

"I am not 'seeing him', we're just hanging out"

"Hanging out? Okay, hold on a sec, because suddenly I am 67 and I don't know the exact meaning of the expressions you crazy kids use. 'Hanging out' is a phrase you use when you are making out with someone in his car and have him sneak out of your bedroom when your parents arrive unexpected?"

Rory winced.

"Because that's what you're doing right? And you've known this kid, for what, two weeks? And two weeks ago you were with Dean and now all of a sudden you are coming home two hours late with this cooler than thou kid, who can't even say hi, or introduce himself" Lorelai said, barely stopping to take a breath.

"I wasn't late and he drove me home and we kissed, so what?" she said slowly, trying to explain herself.

"Oh right, you weren't late, you were working on 'your project' again, I suppose" her mom interrupted.

"No" Rory said, her gaze dropping, a hint of shame on her face.

Her mom looked at her questioning.

"I was in detention, okay?" she said, turning to walk to the kitchen.

"What?" her mother said baffled "my daughter, in detention?"

"I was late for Mrs. Swanson's class, like two minutes and she is crazy and got all worked up and sent me for afternoon detention" she said, her expression hurt, as she got a bottle of water out of the fridge.

"I had to sit here for two hours and I didn't even have my textbook to do my homework" she said, her voice miserable.

Her mom sighed, a small smile appearing on her face.

"Rory" she said, her voice calm, pleading.

"Is everything okay?" she went on looking at her face intently "you seem like there are things bothering you and I can't remember the last time we talked"

Rory sighed closing her eyes.

"I don't know what's wrong Mom, there is nothing wrong, I just haven't been in a great mood"

"Is this about Dean?" she asked "did he do something that pissed you off?"

"No" Rory said, annoyed again "he didn't do anything, I am not trying to take revenge on him or anything"

"Then what is it? You just haven't been yourself lately"

Rory looked at her, suddenly frustrated. She was sick of people telling her she was different, not herself. She was aware. But she didn't know why or how and she was tired of people wanting an explanation when she didn't even have one for herself.

"How am I not myself, Mom?" she asked annoyed.

"You are quiet and moody and there is this guy, I don't even know who he is"

"He has nothing to do with this, Mom"

A knock at the door interrupted their conversation and Rory felt relieved. She was getting tired of the whole thing.

Her mom sighed and walked over to open the door and Rory was thankful for the quiet in the kitchen.

"It's for you Rory" she heard her mom say and she looked up surprised.

Who would be here to see her?

She placed the water bottle on the kitchen table and walked over to the door seeing her mom's apologetic face.

She turned towards the door and saw Dean standing there awkwardly.

"Hey" she said, her voice small.

"Hey" he said, timidly.

She sighed and walked out to the porch, closing the door behind her.

"How have you been?" he asked, desperately looking for the right words to say.

"Okay. How about you?" she replied, not knowing what else to say.

"Not so good" he said, his face turning into a frown and Rory felt overwhelmed with guilt once again. She dropped her gaze to the floor and sighed uneasy.

Dean stepped closer taking her hands in his and she wondered how his touch could seem so unfamiliar after so little time.

"Rory" he started, his voice barely a whisper "I don't know what's bothering you, but I want to apologize for being impatient. I just want you to be okay and happy and I am here for you, okay?"

Rory opened her mouth to speak but couldn't find the words.

Dean moved even closer, his face inches away from hers.

"Just let me be here for you" he whispered, brushing strands of hair away from her face.

Rory closed her eyes and swallowed hard, taking a step back.

"I feel so bad" she said desperately.

"It's okay, it's all okay" he said cupping her face with his hands.

"It's not. I am sick of making you feel miserable because I am in a bad mood"

"You are not making me miserable"

"Yes I am, admit it" she said frustrated "don't make me seem like I am this prefect person, I am not"

"You are Rory, you are prefect and I love you"

She sighed. She felt like he was holding onto something that didn't even exist, that was never really her at all.

"I'm sorry Dean, but… I can't do this" she said, her words coming as though it took her all her strength to say them. She felt miserable and her guilt was choking her.

"Rory" he said, his voice pleading, but she turned to open the door and walked in.

"I'm sorry" she whispered, not being able to look him in the eyes as she closed the door leaving him there.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She sat at the cafeteria picking at her food and looked outside at the rain soaked trees. She wasn't even surprised it was raining. It seemed to fit her mood. She felt like there was a huge weight on her chest.

She couldn't stop thinking about her conversation with Dean. She felt like she was a horrible person. She wished she could just forget everything and go back to the person she was, careless and happy and go back to him and be happy. She really wished she could.

She slammed her fork on her plate. She felt frustrated and angry with herself. The anxiety made her shaky and she wanted to run or punch something or do something that would wear her out so she could collapse and sleep.

"Hey" she heard his voice and looked up to see him slide into the seat across her.

She sighed and forced out a greeting.

"You okay?" he said, his face showing concern.

She looked at him with a hint of amusement. She was still not used to actually seeing emotions on his face.

"Shitty day" she replied closing her eyes.

"Yeah" he agreed, looking out the window frowning.

"You got into trouble yesterday with your mom?" he asked looking at her again.

"No" she shrugged.

She went back to picking her food again and he looked at her intently.

"What is it?" he asked, his voice low.

She looked up at him questioning.

"You seem angry" he went on.

"I'm … just having a bad day, I told you" she said.

"What happened?" he asked, still staring at her face, challenging her with with his expression.

"Why do you think something happened, can't I just be having a shitty day?" she asked, her voice suddenly annoyed.

He looked at her and shook his head lightly, as if giving up.

"Sure, go ahead" he said but didn't move, keeping her gaze on her face.

Rory sighed frustrated. Denying something was bothering her was useless, he could tell there was something. But telling him seemed so silly.

"It's nothing, it's just Dean" she said wincing.

"Dean" he repeated.

"My … ex" using that term seemed so strange "I don't think you want to hear this".

His expression didn't change.

"Is he bothering you?" he asked.

"No" she scoffed "no, he just wanted to talk last night and …" she trailed off again, not knowing what to say.

Talking to him about Dean seemed awkward.

"Let's just not talk about this, okay?" she said, her voice pleading.

He looked at her still, his eyes slightly narrowing.

"Okay" he finally said and she was grateful. He rose slowly from his seat, but her voice stopped him.

"Can we just… sit?" she said.

He sat back in his chair, his eyes still fixed on hers.

"Sure" he said.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She walked down the hall of the school grateful that the day was over. Her frustration grew with every period and she couldn't wait for classes to be over. She walked out the front door of the school and saw him standing there under the eaves looking out at the rain.

"Hey" she whispered reaching him.

He looked at her and she could swear a light smile crossed his face.

"Looks like I'm not giving you a ride today" he said, amusement in his voice.

She looked at him questioning, not understanding.

He motioned with his head towards the parking lot.

She looked in the direction and saw her mom in her car waving.

She sighed.

Suddenly he turned to face her, grabbing her by her waist and pulling her closer to face him. Her breathing quickened and she couldn't help but notice the surprised faces around them. He seemed to not take notice at all and was looking at her instead.

"I'll see you later, okay?" he whispered, his voice low.

"Later?" she said not understanding.

He leaned in close, whispering in her ear "leave your lights on" then left her there, walking towards his car.

She followed him with her eyes, walking without any hurry as the rain was slowly soaking his clothes.

She let out a long breath, trying to calm herself, then ran out and towards her mom's car pulling her jacket over her head.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She sat by her desk staring down at her book, the quiet engulfing her. The house had been quiet for hours now as she sat and tried to read. She had been staring at the same page for at least half an hour. She was lost in her thoughts.

She was tired and annoyed and frustrated.

All of those feelings were with her ever since last night when she had that talk with Dean.

It was like seeing him again ripped open that wound. Her guilt flooding her.

She felt like she was making everyone miserable. Dean, her mom, and herself as well.

Going back to him would have been the easiest thing to do.

She considered it for a second, just go on and pretend everything was fine.

But she knew she couldn't do it. It would have made the emptiness even more prominent, trying to ignore it.

So she decided to face it instead.

If it meant pushing away the people she couldn't explain herself to, then that's what she had to do. With Dean and her mom.

She gasped when she heard the rattle outside of her window then saw Tristan climb in wearing jeans and a long sleeved T-shirt, his breathing heavy from having climbed up the tree and over to the roof. He was soaking wet from the rain, still falling heavily outside. Drops of water were falling from his hair and face as he sat on the windowsill, resting his back against the window, steadying his breath.

She looked on, frozen. Somehow seeing him climb in was the most natural thing that she could think of. She got up and walked across the dim room, only lit by her desk lamp.

She moved slowly and he watched her silently, still recovering from his exhausting task. She reached him and extended her hand wiping the raindrops from his forehead. She watched as he closed his eyes, letting her touch him. She moved closer, her other hand going to his hair, her fingers combing through it lightly.

His eyes still closed, he buried his face in her chest, pulling her close.

The sensation of his damp clothes against herself sent a shock wave through her body. She welcomed it, enjoying something else finally taking over her body other than the anxiety and frustration. She sighed and lifted his face to meet his lips with hers. She tasted his lips hungrily, opening her mouth instantly, her body moving even closer to his.

He rose slowly not breaking contact, his arms pulling her as close as possible, his kiss hungry and eager. He broke off the kiss, resting his forehead on hers, still not opening his eyes.

"Hey" he whispered.

"Hey" she answered, swallowing hard and holding onto his damp shirt. She felt a slight trembling in her body and it made it impossible for her to stand still. She wanted desperately to feel him, have him touch her, so she could forget all that was bothering her.

"Is everything okay?" his voice low, and slightly husky.

"Yeah" she said impatiently, not knowing what he meant. She tried to kiss him, but he held her steady pulling away just a bit.

"The ride with your mom?" he asked.

She closed her eyes sighing.

"It was fine, she just wanted to talk. She felt like we haven't been bonding enough lately" she said, closing her eyes, her voice slightly annoyed. She opened her eyes and ran a hand over his chest. Her movements were jerky, her fingers trembling slightly.

"You're still upset" he said, his voice quiet.

The statement shocked her. Not the fact that he noticed, it probably wasn't hard to notice. But the fact that he bothered.

"You're soaking wet" she said looking at his clothes, ignoring his last comment.

"Rory" he said her name, as if trying to get her to acknowledge him.

"I don't want to talk, Tristan" she said, her voice frustrated, looking up into his eyes, burning a hole through her.

He looked at her for a moment that seemed to last forever then mouthed "Okay" and moved in to kiss her.

She sighed into the kiss relieved and her hands moved down to the hem of his shirt lifting it slowly. He let her take it of off him breaking their kiss for as short as possible.

She pressed into him wanting to feel his heat, her hands going to his belt buckle, trying to undo it quickly.

He pushed her away slightly and undid his pants himself, obeying her urgency. He kicked his shoes and jeans off and moved forward as she backed towards her bed taking off her nightgown. He inhaled sharply as he saw her naked, already pulling off her white panties.

She pulled him over her laying back on the bed, still trembling and let him bury his face in the crook of her neck kissing her there. She tugged at his boxers frantically not being able to control her need to be with him. She felt an incredible, almost nauseating desire growing inside of her.

He took a long breath.

"Slow down" he whispered into her ears, his voice low and husky, his breathing heavy.

She sighed frustrated, letting her arms drop as he rose slightly to take his boxers off. She pulled him back onto her, kissing him again with a fever. She felt like she wanted to numb all the feelings, all the anxiety swirling inside of her, wanted him to make it all go away by making her numb and insensible.

She lifted her legs, wrapping them around his waist and gripped his hips suddenly pulling him closer to her and sighing as his arousal slipped into her without resistance.

He groaned in pleasure but pulled out of her, propping himself up on his arms around her face. He hovered over her, panting as though it took a great effort for him to control himself.

"Rory" he said, trying to calm her with his voice "slow down" he repeated, brushing strands of hair away from her face.

She panted hard, frustration gripping her throat.

"I need you… I need you to…" she whimpered desperately as she felt herself choking up.

He lowered himself onto her again, his lips meeting hers, his kiss gentle and slow.

"Shhh. I'm right here. I'm right here, baby" he whispered and the words hit her hard, her emotions finally let loose.

Sobs broke from her chest and she closed her eyes letting the tears spill from her eyes. She felt his hands brushing her hair back and his mouth kissing her cheeks.He whispered in her ears, hushing her, telling her it was all okay, holding her as her sobs shook her body. She held onto him letting go of everything, her body stiff and shaking.

He rolled over to his back, pulling her with him, letting her face rest on his chest, holding her with one arm, and the other caressing her hair as he kissed the top of her head and continued to whisper to her.

She felt like the sobs were coming from deep, deep inside. Buried under layers and layers of denial. She felt like she could let go, let it all go, while he was holding her, while she heard his voice talking to her. It felt liberating. Like she could finally be weak, finally acknowledge she was hurt, in pain, lost. It felt safe.

She laid there in his arms exhausted, her sobs slowly subsiding, listening to his quiet whispering and welcoming the warmth radiating from his body.

It felt like she finally cleared her body of all the emotions occupying it and she felt calm and relieved, the first time for a long time. She didn't know how long they laid like that before she finally drifted off to sleep.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She stirred hearing the light noises coming from her room.

She rose, sitting up on her bed straining her eyes to see in the dark room, the dawn light creeping in through her window. She saw him putting on his shirt, his body lean and toned and she looked on lost in thought.

He turned to see her sitting there and stopped mid-motion staring at her for a second, his expression full of concern. He moved to her bed, sitting on the side and extending a hand to brush her hair, tucking it behind her ear. She closed her eyes relaxing into his touch and felt his lips kiss her cheek lightly.

"I have to go" he whispered in her ear and she nodded silently.

"You okay?" he asked and sighed as she snuggled into his hold as an answer.

They sat there motionless for a minute then she watched as he walked to the window and looked back at her before climbing outside.

She fell back on her bed praying the anxiety will stay away a bit longer and will not come rushing back to her as soon as he was gone.


	8. Underneath is lacking

She sat at her desk at French class looking at the door, her eyes narrowed, waiting for the class to start.

He wasn't at the bleachers today.

She didn't know whether to be surprised or relieved. She felt awkward about what had happened the night before. She was used to their times together being strange and uncontrolled by her. But last night was different. It's like she let her guard down, let herself be vulnerable in front of him. And even though it was incredibly liberating, it also scared her.

The truth was she still didn't know anything about him. Didn't even know if she wanted to know anything about him. Her mind told her he wasn't to be trusted, even though her body seemed to greet him like someone she had known for a long time.

Him not showing up at the bleachers today just made her see how stupidly close she already let him. They never agreed on meeting there every day, yet she expected him to be there to meet her. And when he didn't show, she couldn't help but be disappointed.

She groaned. Trying to stop the thoughts. Her head was pounding already.

He suddenly walked in, looking around the classroom then finding her with his eyes. Her heart stopped for a second. He walked over to her, sitting on the chair in front of hers, turning to face her, leaning over her desk. He looked preoccupied, something she hasn't seen him before.

"I'm sorry" he said, his voice low, running a hand through his hair and exhaling "I was called to the principal's office".

She sat there unable to say anything. So that's why he hadn't showed. She felt silly. Felt silly for thinking he did it on purpose. Then felt silly for being disappointed at the thought of him possibly doing it on purpose.

She frowned. And wished she wasn't so affected by him.

"Are you in trouble?" she asked, her voice small, trying to focus on the conversation and not on her thoughts screaming in her head.

He sighed and then his face returned to the cool, nonchalant expression she was used to seeing in school.

"Nah. Don't worry about it" he said and she couldn't help thinking he was hiding something from her.

He looked at her, his eyes studying her and she dropped her gaze nervously, feeling self-conscious.

"How are you?" he asked, still looking at her intently.

She opened her mouth automatically, ready to lie, but stopped. A wry smile crossed her face and she shrugged.

His expression didn't change, but she could see his eyes fill with something. Warmth, concern. It felt reassuring, but she was all too much aware of their surroundings, people looking at them with baffled expressions.

She saw him turn to the guy in the next row, who was staring at the two of them having a conversation.

"What?" Tristan asked him, his tone threatening and she couldn't help but smile as the guy turned around nervously.

He turned back to her, looking at her again.

"Is your mom picking you up today?" he said, his voice low, quiet.

"Yeah" she answered.

He smiled sighing.

"She doesn't trust me much, does she?"

She smiled in return.

His smile faded and he studied her face intently.

"Can I see you later then?" he asked, his voice even lower.

She inhaled sharply, memories from last night flashing in her head and she blushed looking down as though everyone suddenly knew what was going on between them.

"Yeah" she mouthed and kept her gaze dropped as she heard the bell ring and saw him getting up to walk to the back of the classroom to his seat.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She waited on her bed, her room quiet. She knew he'd be there soon.

He arrived around the same time every night for the last couple of days. It had become their thing, meet at the bleachers at lunch, then late at night at her room. They talked during the day at the bleachers, but barely at night. She got lost in his touch instead, letting him make her forget all worries and giving into the pleasures he was inducing in her body. He never spent the night. He let her drift into sleep then got up and sneaked out through her window.

The whole routine felt comforting to her by now. She liked that there were no words, no need to explain herself. She liked how it was all simple. The doubts and worries that bothered her seemed to not ever be addressed. And his quietness was intriguing as well. It turned her on even more, not knowing what he was thinking. She didn't know whether he just liked the fact that he got her easily or whether there was something else there. There were some instances when she thought she noticed care, affection even in his actions, like on the first night when he sneaked into her room, but then she wasn't sure if it was real or whether she was just imagining it. It was hard to read him and he never explained himself.

She didn't know what this all was. But she felt grateful that they never addressed that question. She didn't know what she would say herself when it came to deciding on what they were doing. It was as though they had a silent agreement between the two of them. And right now that's all she needed.

She heard the familiar rattle and watched as he slid into her room.

"You'd think this gets easier with practice" he mumbled more to himself than to her and rested on the window sill.

She smiled faintly.

"Oh, you find this funny?" he said in mock seriousness and walked up to her.

Her smile widened and she closed her eyes anticipating his touch.

"I'm gonna make you climb up here one of these days so you'll appreciate all the trouble I go through every fucking night" he groaned as he sat down on her bed next to her.

"I think you get compensated for your troubles" she replied, her face calm.

He stared at her blunt comment and smiled faintly.

"Oh yeah? Well then, pay up, smart ass" he said as he rolled on top of her, leaning her back on her bed.

She chuckled lightly and closed her eyes as she felt him kissing her neck.

The mood changed suddenly as she felt her skin tingle under his touch. His hands roamed her body, his warmness seemed to burn through the thin material of her nightgown.

He was so intense when he made love, no jokes, no teasing. He got lost in her, exploring every inch of her body, watching her reactions.She never felt in control, he always won, sending her over the edge then letting himself go after her.

She wished she could make him lose control, see him let go of himself. The only time she knew he was lost was when he mumbled in her ears as he thrust into her coming close. Half of the time she couldn't even make out what he was saying, mostly because she was usually too lost in her own sensations, but also because his words didn't make sense. They were fragments of words, his voice coming out ragged, breathless, telling her what he felt, what he was thinking, cursing or just whispering sweet nothings that made her pulse race even more.

She smiled as she heard his first muffled words in her ears and felt him increase his pace inside of her. She held onto him more tight, moaning into his ear and he groaned in return.

She arched her back, meeting his thrusts and he cursed, the increased pressure pushing him closer to the edge. He cursed again, trying to control his body as she came, her body trembling. He muffled her cries by crushing his lips to hers and thrust into her more frantically wanting his own release.

She opened her eyes, slowly regaining conscious thought, wanting to see his face. She saw him holding his breath, his eyes shut tight and his mouth distorted as he was trying to hold back the groans coming from his mouth. His body went stiff and he exhaled sharply reaching his peak with one last thrust. He collapsed on top of her mumbling in her ear.

She laid there with eyes closed, feeling his weight on her, and the content exhaustion in her body, listening to his laboured breathing.

She didn't know how much time had passed. She felt herself drifting off to sleep and then him slowly moving off of her.

She resisted, pulling him back down, her eyes still closed.

"Don't" she mumbled.

She felt him brush her hair away from her face.

"Rory, I have to go" he said, his voice calm, low.

She frowned but didn't open her eyes.

"It's Friday, you don't have to go to school tomorrow" she protested.

She heard him sigh lightly.

"I don't want to be caught by your parents" he said, his voice slightly amused.

"They're sleeping"

"Yeah, but if I fall asleep here, god knows when I wake up" he said as he pulled away, getting off the bed, picking up his clothes and dressing slowly.

Rory sighed, her head clear of sleep once again. She sat up slightly and watched him.

"I don't want to be woken by your mother clearing her throat" he went on "that woman has an accusing stare" he said smirking, as he pulled his shirt over his head.

Rory looked at him, studying his face, trying to figure out whether he was telling the truth or not. She dismissed the thought, deciding it didn't matter either way.

She wathced him finish dressing then move over to the bed to place a soft kiss on her mouth.

"Go back to sleep" he said "I'll see you tomorrow. You'll be at the library, right?" he added, kissing her again, then getting up to walk to the window.

She couldn't help but smile realizing he remembered she would be at the library the next day working on a paper.

She watched the curtains sway as he was already gone and let herself sink back into the pillows and off to sleep.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She sat at a desk at the library, almost empty on the Saturday afternoon. She's been staring at a page again, her mind a blank. That seemed to happen a lot lately.

She suddenly looked up sensing someone watching her and saw him leaning against one of the bookshelves, looking at her, his face as nonchalant as ever.

He nodded slightly as a greeting and walked over to her desk slowly, pulling out a chair across from her and seating himself lazily.

He stared at the book in front of her, not saying anything, the quiet of the library surrounding them like a warm blanket.

She realized that their encounters have been free of any pretence. There was no urge to follow the rules of etiquette, there was no need for roles to be played or any explanations. He could just walk over to her without a word and sit down next to her and it still didn't feel awkward.

He was fiddling with the pages of her book now, still not looking up at her.

"How much work do you have left?" he asked, his voice low, quiet, his gaze still on the book in front of her.

"Some more" she answered, her tone matching his.

"Okay" he said, glancing up at her for a second, then reaching for another book stashed on the desk. He took it, leaning back in his chair and opened it up not looking at her anymore.

She found herself smiling.

She stared at him for a couple of seconds, as he read the book he just found and waited for her to finish her stuff. It felt comforting somehow. She wondered how that was even possible. When everything else in her life seemed to bother her, get on her nerves, his presence was not just tolerable, it was reassuring. The oddity of it all suddenly came to her, but she shooed the thought away. Just like any thought that had anything to do with him and being rational. It became an automatic defense mechanism.

She focused on the page in front of her again, trying to concentrate.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

They sat on the curb in front of the library building. It was already dark, and slightly cold. The streetlamps over the almost empty parking lot gave it an eerie atmosphere, but she didn't mind. She sat on the ground, holding her star foam cup and sipping her coffee glancing towards him every now and then. He sat next to her looking out on the parking lot, smoking a cigarette.

She noted how different he looked in his normal clothes. The uniform made him seem depressed, hostile. Now sitting there in his green cargo pants and sweatshirt, he seemed more at ease, more comfortable.

"What?" he asked and she blushed slightly, realizing he noticed her staring at him.

She turned to look out onto the parking lot as well.

"Nothing" she mumbled.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, putting out his cigarette and blowing out the smoke.

Rory turned back, watching him perform this like a ritual.

"You" she said calmly, almost automatically.

It was that same feeling again, the one she felt at first was an unknown confidence, but having spent some time with him now, she realized that it was something that was involuntary, almost unconscious. It was something he brought out in her. A feeling of not being afraid to be misunderstood, therefor not being afraid at all. It was a feeling she was still questioning, struggling with, because she couldn't explain or understand it.

He seemed oddly unaffected by her answer. He sat there motionless, almost daring her to go on.

"What are you doing with me?" she continued. Her voice surprisingly calm, unbiased, even to herself.

He sighed and a wry smile crossed his face for a second. He didn't turn. He opened his mouth as if to speak but then changed his mind, shrugging instead.

She looked on waiting.

He glanced toward her, seeing her waiting for an answer.

"What do you want me to say, Rory?" he asked defensively.

"What you're thinking" she answered.

"I don't know. You know that I don't" he turned back to look out on the parking lot.

"What is this we're doing?" she went on, suddenly stubborn.

He scoffed, then took a deep breath as if he had been expecting these questions for some time, but had been trying to avoid them also. He looked back at her, as if she had just stabbed him in the back.

"Well what are you doing with me?" he said, as if trying to prove a point.

It worked.

She looked on, sighing. She didn't know either. She tried to place it all together in her head, how it happened, how they got to this point, frighteningly close and still incredibly foreign.

She dropped her gaze, that weary feeling returning to her quickly.

He looked on, furrowing his brows, as if he were trying to read her mind.

"Hey" he said, his voice a whisper, regretful.

She didn't answer but stared in front of her, her breathing quickening as if the frustration was all of a sudden rushing back to her.

"Hey" he said again moving closer, his arm going around her, pulling her in.

She let him do it, her body limp, her will gone.

His lips found her cheek, kissing her slowly, as if that could make it all alright. His kiss was soothing and she closed her eyes, not resisting. He pulled away slightly to whisper in her ears, still holding her.

"We'll figure it out... we'll..." his words trailed off, helplessly.

"Doesn't it scare you? We don't talk, it just happens, what is it? Doesn't it scare you?" she rambled, her words barely understandable.

He pulled away to look in her eyes. His eyes were a dark blue, his expression helpless, undecided.

"It does" he said, wincing, as though it was hard to even admit it.

She looked at him, her face grateful, but still desperate.

His expression changed slowly, becoming calm and nonchalant again.

"We'll figure it out" he repeated, this time calm, determined.

It seemed to almost convince her. She nodded slightly and stared at him. But that uncertain feeling lingered on.

He leaned in, kissing her slowly.

Her breath caught in her chest. For a second she thought about how every kiss with him seemed like a first kiss. It's like they had to start all over again every time they met, getting over that barrier. It always felt exhilarating.

She sighed into their kiss, letting him deepen it, pulling him close, wanting to feel his touch. She felt him break away for a second gasping for air, then plunging in for another kiss, his tongue darting into her mouth, exploring it. He moaned as she leaned closer to him and it sent chills down her spine.

In the back of her mind she knew it was avoiding. It was trying to get away from having to explain things. She knew it wasn't right, but she put it all on the back burner.

She lost herself in his kiss, giving in, letting go of all thoughts once again.

Through the haze she sank into, she suddenly felt someone watching them.

She pulled away and looked towards the form standing a couple of feet away.

Tristan looked at her not understanding, then following her gaze to the guy staring at them.

"Dean" she said, her voice small.

He was standing there, his look a mix of hurt, accusation and disgust.

"Who's this?" he asked, his voice not hiding his hurt.

Rory stood up automatically, sighing.

"Dean, what are you doing here?" she asked, her voice still small.

"Your mom told me I'd find you here" he said "Who's this?" he repeated his question staring at Tristan.

Tristan stood up as if meeting the challenge and looked at him unbiased.

"Dean, please" Rory pleaded, sensing the tension surrounding them.

"We broke up, what, two weeks ago, and you're already with someone else?" he said, his voice incredulous.

"I'm not… with him" Rory said unsure, defensively. For a second she swore she felt Tristan flinch next to her, but she couldn't tell for sure.  
"It looks like that to me" Dean replied, his tone accusing as ever.

"Was this going on while we were together?" he went on.

"No it wasn't" Rory replied, her tone hurt.

"So you just broke up with me and then threw yourself at him?" he glared.

Tristan moved forward, taking a step to stand in front of Rory protectively.

"Why don't you back off?" he said, speaking for the first time, his voice dangerous, threatening.

Dean's expression changed. His face hardening, a cruel smile appeared on his face.

"So that's how it was?" he scoffed.

Tristan stared at him, his face determined, his gaze brutal.

Rory looked on desperately as the situation was getting out of hand. She reached forward to touch Tristan pulling him back slowly, wanting it all to end.

Dean went on.

"That's what happened, right? You fucked her and she leered you in" he laughed.

Tristan took another step in his direction, shaking Rory's arm off of him.

"Why don't you shut the hell up?" he said, his voice hard, threatening.

Dean sneered, as if he'd finally found his revenge.

"She just wanted a good fuck. You are aware, right?" he spat.

Rory looked on shocked. She's never seen Dean so cruel, so irreverent, so hurt.

"Don't flatter yourself thinking it's anything more, she'll ignore you once she's done playing" he said sneering.

Tristan took another step pushing Dean away.

"Shut up" he said, his voice still low and hard.

"Tristan" Rory said pleading as she saw him push Dean away violently.

"Get in the car" he replied turning back for only a second.

Rory looked on shocked. His eyes were dark, fiery, his expression stern, aggressive. It frightened her, she's never seen him like this before.  
Dean laughed airily.

"You're pathetic" he said, forcing out a laugh.

Tristan stood motionless, staring at him.

"Rory, get in the car" he repeated, his voice low, authoritative and she felt her legs move, obeying him. She heard Dean's sarcastic laugh.

"How fucking pathetic" he said as he turned away, walking in the other direction towards his car.

Tristan stood in his place until he saw him drive off then turned to follow Rory, his expression disturbed, troubled.

He looked up seeing Rory a couple of feet away from his car staring at him.

"I told you to get in" he said, his voice still cold.

Rory looked at him puzzled backing towards the car.

"Tristan" she called his name.

"Get in the fucking car" he looked at her, raising his voice, his eyes shooting sparks as he walked towards her, her back hitting the door of the car.

Rory gasped, having never seen him talk to her like this before. She regained her composure in a second and her face hardened as well.

"What? Why does this bother you so?" she asked.

Tristan closed his eyes, as if it took him a great deal of strength to control himself.

"Get in the car, Rory" he repeated again, saying the words slowly, as if that would convince her.

"Because he's right?" she shot.

He opened his eyes and looked on, his eyes boiling with anger.

"That's how it was. It was sex, it was fucking sex, right?" she went on, her voice raising.

"Shut up" he said, his voice quiet, weak.

"That's what it was meant to be and you don't know what the hell it is now" she yelled, her face desperate.

He slammed his fist into the door of the car suddenly, making her gasp and quiet. She stared at his face inches away from her, her breathing caught in her chest.

"Get in" he spat, his voice hostile and the sheer anger in his words overwhelmed her. She stared at his face for another moment, suddenly unknown, strange, an uneasy feeling coming over her.

She obeyed silently slowly opening the door and climbing in. She watched as he walked across getting in as well, slamming the door and starting the engine rapidly.

He pulled out of the parking lot and drove silently, his face disturbed and annoyed, his eyes still shooting sparks.

She sat there broken, not able to say anything else and got out of the car silently after he screeched to a halt in front of her house.

She got out without saying a word and watched helpless as he sped off.


	9. Black holes and revelations

She went to her bedroom and straight to bed. Her head felt dizzy, her legs weak. She laid down, letting the darkness around her engulf her and felt herself sink into oblivion, the queasy feeling in her stomach slowly settling.

Her body might have calmed, but her mind was racing, her thoughts screaming in her head. It all felt overwhelming, impossible to grasp. She kept replaying the scenes in her head over and over again.

She didn't know what it was. He was right, they both had trouble understanding what was happening between the two of them. And she knew that most of the time she avoided trying to understand it. Yet she'd expected him to give her an answer, expected him to explain.

She didn't know what she wanted, half of the time having him there was enough. Just enjoying the effect, the calmness. But then the rest of the time, it was as though her old self revolted, demanding an explanation, a label, demanding a plan.

And now she felt like her old self went and pushed him too hard. She felt like he regretted it all, wanting to back out, get away.

She cursed.

Why can't it ever be enough? Why does it need to have a name, a reason, a cause?

She might not have had a clear idea of what she was doing with him, or what she wanted from him, but now it all felt like it didn't matter anymore. The brittle thing that was 'them' in her mind, seemed to crumble.

She laid there in uneasy slumber, tossing and turning for hours, her thoughts and dreams morphing into one another.

She opened her eyes suddenly. It was strikingly quiet in her room. She could tell it was the middle of the night. And there was something else. She felt something strange, unreal, like there was someone watching her. She laid there listening to her own breathing, staring at the ceiling as her head cleared and her eyes adjusted to the dark.

She sat up slowly and her heart stopped.

There he was, standing in the dark room across from her bed, his back resting against her desk, watching her, his eyes dark, disturbed and helpless, but his face calm.

She sat there, her breathing quickening, not knowing what to say, worried maybe he wasn't real after all.

"Tristan" she mumbled, but the word barely came out, her throat was so dry.

She saw him close his eyes for a moment as he heard her say his name. He sighed as if battling with himself, deciding what to do.

He rose slowly, his expression the same, walking towards her bed. He reached it and climbed up, pulling himself up over her, embracing her, his face coming to rest next to hers. He breathed in her smell closing his eyes, his face in a broken frown as if he'd just lost a fight, unable to resist.

She let out a long breath of relief, her pulse racing.

His hands came up to her face, brushing away her hair and he sighed again opening his mouth to whisper in her ears.

"I don't know what this is, I wish I did" he said, his voice quiet, low and cracking, his breath warm on her face.

"It scares the fuck out of me" he went on then paused "You scare the fuck out of me. I can't think when I'm with you, I don't want to think" his words made her heart race even more. She held her breath, concentrating on hearing every word, her heart beating violently in her chest and blood rushing to her head.

His words flowed as though he finally let loose, stopped resisting.

"I have a hard time putting it into words and I have a hard time talking at all. And I have a fucking hard time showing all this, because it feels like I don't have a hold on you, it feels like you're drifting off and the only way I can keep you is if I am resolute and if I don't question what the hell this is or where this is going"

She closed her eyes sighing. It was as though he was voicing her thoughts, her feelings, it was as though she was hearing herself talk.

She felt his weight on herself, his breathing rapid, his pulse fast, smelled his scent and felt his breath on her face.

She opened her mouth as she heard him finish wanting to answer him, to tell him, but his lips crushed against hers, silencing her. She gasped as she felt him kiss her, slow, but passionate, his eyes closed and his face broken. He broke their kiss resting his head against hers, his eyes still closed.

She opened her mouth again, choking, wanting so bad to explain, to let him know, but he stopped her again.

"Don't" he said, his voice quiet.

She looked at him, his eyes slowly opening, swirling with emotions, her eyes fixed on his. He nodded slightly as if to let her know it was okay, to let her know it was unneeded to explain herself, almost pleading her not to.

He moved in again, kissing her slowly then deepening the kiss and she felt her body respond, having missed his touch, wanting him.

She sighed into their kiss and felt his hands move down on her body, pulling her close. It felt so reassuring to be in his hold again, as if all were alright, all were fixed.

Her hands moved down, tugging at his sweatshirt, wanting it gone, needing to feel his body against hers.

He broke away from kissing her, propping himself up on his arms, letting her remove it.

He laid back down on her kissing her again, his warm skin burning through the thin material of his shirt. She ran her hands over his back, pulling at the shirt and he gave in again, breaking away so she could take it off of him as well.

He kissed her once again, his bare chest pushing against hers and his hand moved down her body and further down along her legs, pushing her nightgown higher. He groaned as he felt her legs part, letting him rest between them as she wrapped them around his waist.

He broke away from her mouth, moving down her face and along her jaw to plant small kisses on her neck, sucking the delicate skin and making her gasp in surprise. He moved further down, pushing her nightgown over her head and finding an erect nipple with his lips. He sucked on it gently, making her whimper and he moaned biting down on it and making her arch her back into him.

She felt her body come alive and thirsting for his touch, her hands moving up his back and up to his scalp, her fingers digging into his hair.  
He moved further down, kissing her stomach, making her squirm and moan.

She pulled him up, wanting to kiss him again and he obeyed, finding her lips and exploring her mouth with a fever. Her hands moved down to rid him of his pants and he let her work on it, not being able to break away from kissing her.

She pushed his pants down and he broke away reluctantly removing the rest of his clothes. She watched flustered as he found a condom in his pocket and opened the wrapper rolling it onto himself, his hands slightly shaking from his excitement.

He moved back on top of her, burying his face in the crook of her neck, inhaling her smell, steadying his breathing. He exhaled slowly and kissed her neck again, making her moan. He then moved to her mouth kissing her delicately, slowly, making her desire surge, wanting him even more.

She watched, her breathing heavy as he pulled away to look at her face, his eyes a swirling sea of blue. He stared at her wordless as she felt him slip into her slowly. Her breath caught in her chest and her eyes fluttered shut as she felt him fill her up. He kept his gaze on her, studying her face, holding his breath.

He pulled out slowly, then thrust into her again and again, setting a steady rhythm, still watching her face and looking at her as she sighed, the sensations taking a hold of her.

She forced her eyes open, seeing his face struggling to hold back, his desire burning in his eyes.

She exhaled as her arms wrapped around his waist, pulling his hips closer down on hers with every thrust and he moaned closing his eyes. He opened his eyes again, sighing and she stared at him as he moved in and out of her, his breathing laboured, his body tense.

"I want to hear you" she whispered breathless as she felt herself getting more and more lost and he gasped for breath as the request made him go wild.

She panted, pulling him closer, whispering in his ears repeating her request and he sighed as if giving in, his frequency increasing. He let himself moan in her ears, letting her know the pleasure that he was experiencing, mumbling in her ears. The sound of his voice, his moans turned her on even more. Her body approaching the edge she lifted her hips to meet his thrusts and he groaned at the sensation, whispering in her ears, telling her how incredible it felt.

She felt her body jerking as her orgasm washed over her and she heard him cry in her ear at the same time finding his own release, his body tensing. She floated, her whole body numb, her ears buzzing, her mind a blank.

She felt him relax on top of her as her rapid breathing slowly settled down, his hands tangled in her hair, their bodies clinging to each other.  
He pulled her closer, embracing her, sighing into the crook of her neck, their bodies sweaty and warm.

He pulled away to look at her again, his expression calming. He studied her face, slowly brushing the strands of hair away. She watched as he concentrated on his task, brushing back every strand carefully.

"I love you" she quietly said and watched calmly as he froze, looking into her eyes, his breathing caught in his chest.

She pulled him in again, not waiting for an answer, not wanting one and she let herself ease into his hold. He held her close, shutting his eyes tight, rolling over to bring her to rest next to him, snuggling into his hold.

She felt a calmness come over her as she laid there burying herself in his hold, feeling his hand stroke her hair lightly, letting sleep take over her slowly.

"Stay here tonight" she mumbled, her mind already drifting off to slumber and she smiled contently as she felt him kiss the top of her head.

xxxxxxxxx

Rory drifted between sleep and the comfort of her bed lit by the strong sunlight creeping through her window.

She felt completely rested and calm, something she had not felt for a while now. And she also felt his skin against her face, warm and soft, and his scent, a mix of his cologne and cigarettes, something that had become all so familiar. She sighed, still not opening her eyes, enjoying the nice awakening.

"Rise and shine sleepy head!" came her father's voice from the hallway and her eyes snapped open meeting Tristan's deep blue eyes, still clouded with sleep but with recognition and alertness.

She gasped and sat up as his father burst in through the door, cheery and loud.

"Rory, we're gonna be late for..." he froze as his gaze fell on the bed, her daughter's face in panic and a very naked blond boy falling out of the bed in surprise.

"Oh my god..." he started but trailed of, his face frozen in pure shock as he watched Tristan rising and trying to cover himself with his bare hands and failing miserably.

Lorelai walked in through the open door.

"What is it?" she asked but stopped abruptly as she recognized the scene unfolding in the room.

"Oh! Oh. Oh." was all she could manage staring at a naked Tristan who was now desperately trying to find his clothes scattered on the floor.

"Uhm, honey" she started grabbing Christopher's arm and pulling him out of the room, who was obeying silently but still staring in shock.

Lorelai closed the door with an apologetic look and Rory just stared at it unable to move. It had all happened so fast and she felt paralysed.

She cursed and looked at Tristan who's managed to get his boxers on by now and was letting out a long breath.

The two stared at each other, Rory's face still disturbed and his calming.

"I gather that's your dad" he said trying to lighten the mood and Rory just buried her face in her hands frowning.

"Oh God"

Tristan sighed again, put his shirt on and sat on the bed beside her.

"This is exactly why I didn't want to spend the night" he mumbled while kissing the top of her head and she just groaned in response.

"This is so horrible" she mumbled, her face still buried in her hands.

"You want me to stay and talk with them?" he asked, clearing his throat.

She looked up at him in horror.

"No! No. Definitely no"

He studied her face and looking into his eyes she sighed, suddenly feeling calmer.

She leaned forward kissing his lips lightly and he closed his eyes enjoying her touch.

"I'm sorry" he whispered.

"It doesn't matter" she replied, her face suddenly indifferent.

He looked at her with a worried expression. But she kissed him again and pushed him off the bed and towards the window.

"Go" she whispered and he took one last look, studying her face before he climbed out.

Rory watched him and sighed.

She took a deep breath and grabbed some clothes, sneaking out of her room and over to the top of the stairs where she heard her parents arguing.

"Hold on a second, Lor, I don't even know who this kid is! What happened to Dean?" she heard his dad's astonished voice and she crept lower down the stairs sitting down so she could see her parents in the kitchen.

"They broke up" Lorelai replied, her voice oddly calm.

"What? When? Why?" came Christopher's response, his face bewildered, unbelieving "When did all this happen? Why didn't I know about this?"

"Chris, honey, calm down" Lorelai said calmly.

"No, I am not gonna calm down, my daughter, my seventeen year old daughter is upstairs with a naked boy I've never even met!"

"Okay, breathe, you are turning blue" Lorelai said mockingly.

"They had sex!" Chris yelled.

"That or they played strip poker all night long" she said pouring some coffee for herself.

"Lor! They had sex!" he repeated louder, not appreciating her jokes.

"Okay, calm down, it's not the end of the world"

"Not the end of the world? I don't even know who this kid is and she's sleeping with him!" he was hysterical now, walking up and down the kitchen while Lorelai sat down at the table and sighed.

"When did all this happen?" he went on "What happened to Dean? Sweet, harmless, fluffy haired Dean?"

"Oh please, she was having sex with Dean for months before they broke up" Lorelai said annoyed.

"What?" Chris yelped, stopping dead in his track, his eyes wide "You're kidding me" he said, his voice barely a whisper, sinking into a chair across from her.

"Hon, she's seventeen. We had a one year old by that time" she said, caressing his hand, her face turning into a sympathetic smile.

"Oh my god" his eyes widened again "Oh my god, you think she's pregnant?"

"She's not pregnant!" Lorelai rolled her eyes "she's a smart kid, so smart" she went on trying to reassure him "plus I am pretty sure I saw a condom wrapper on the floor" she mumbled taking a sip from her coffee.

Chris buried his face in his hands groaning.

"Oh my god" he mumbled.

"Aww. Do you know she does this same thing when she is worried?"

He looked up again frowning. He turned towards the stairs and Rory held her breath worried she would be noticed.

"Is he gonna come down?" he muttered quietly.

"Uhm… I think he is already gone, hon" she answered him squeezing his hand across the table.

"What? I didn't see him leave" he said confused.

"He climbs up and down through her window" she whispered, her face apologetic as she saw Chris sigh coming to a realization.

"You knew about this" he stared at her astonished.

She just sighed in return.

"I don't understand how you can be so calm about this" he asked her furrowing his brows.

She sighed again, her expression turning more serious.

"I am worried, Chris, I am, but making a scene about this is not gonna make it better. She's been strange, she's been depressed and drifting off and I am not gonna flip out and go all Emily Gilmore on her because she slept with a boy 'cause, that's just gonna push her further away" she looked at his face, still not convinced.

"Look" she went on rambling "maybe it's a phase, okay? She's a teenager, teenagers have phases. Or maybe she's just doing it to rebel, or because she's confused and bored with her life. And yes, so she is screwing this kid, but it was imminent, I mean she's her mother's daughter for god's sakes, we like 'em wild"

"Oh please stop" he pleaded wincing.

Lorelai smiled at him squeezing his hand.

"You really think she's doing this because she's depressed?" he looked at her, his expression a mix of hurt and worry.

"I don't know" she whispered uneasy.

Rory sighed rising slowly and sneaking back into her room.

She closed the door and leaned her back against in. She didn't know either.

xxxxxxxxxx

She heard their car start and drive off. She sighed. They were supposed to visit her grandparents, that's probably why her dad was trying to wake her up. She felt relieved that they had gone without her. She really wasn't in the mood for small talk.

She walked out of her room and down the stairs making her way towards the kitchen. She stopped dead in her tracks as she saw her mom sitting at the table with a pot of coffee waiting.

"Hey" she said cheerfully.

"I thought you'd gone to grandma's with the others" Rory said, not being able to hide her surprise.

"Hey, I'll take any excuse to stay away from that place, you know that" she joked "I thought maybe we could talk" she continued, her voice suddenly serious.

Rory sighed and tried to swallow the lump in her throat. She sat down across from her mother and stared at the desk.

"I'm sorry about earlier" she mumbled.

"About having Tristan up there or about us walking in on you?" Lorelai asked bluntly.

Rory winced.

"Both"

Lorelai just looked at her as if contemplating her next move.

"So this seems pretty serious, huh?" she asked, testing the waters.

Rory looked up at her, not answering.

"I mean you are staying out with him, being late from class because of him, have him sneak in your room..."

Rory opened her mouth in protest.

"That's not true, mom"

"Don't get me wrong, I think that's great, I mean he is not perfect because he doesn't have a bad ass bicycle and a 'born to be wild' tattoo on his ass, well, not as far as I could tell, but he did move quick, so I am not sure, but he is about as close to a wild high school boyfriend as you can get in that lame school of yours..." she went on, jabbering away as Rory watched rolling her eyes.

"Mom. Stop"

"He can take you to make out point, and to concerts in illegal basement clubs and you can smoke with him behind the school, but I am pretty sure you don't get to touch his hair..."

"Mom, please"

"... I mean, because of the hair gel and all. It takes an enormous amount of time to get it to stick like that you know, us girls, we don't know how tough that is to do"

"Mom" she said again, her voice strong enough to finally have Lorelai give up on her torturing.

"He's not like that. And he is not my boyfriend"

"Oh, okay, way to reassure, kiddo. So you are sleeping with a guy who's not your boyfriend?"

"No, I mean, I don't know if he's my boyfriend or not. We don't... we haven't really talked..."

"You don't talk... you just...?" Lorelai said slowly, arching an eyebrow.

"Mom" Rory said again "please don't start again"

"Okay, but you see why this is bothering me a tad bit, right?"

"Yes, I do"

"Rory. You are not like this. You debated having sex with Dean for months. You wrote a list, went on the pill, read books. And now you are just having sex with this kid, who isn't even necessarily your boyfriend?"

Rory sighed.

"It's not the same with him"

"How is it different?"

"I don't know. It's just. Maybe I am different. Maybe this is what I needed right now."

"For someone to sleep with you?"

"It's not like that, mom"

"You keep saying that, but I don't see why it's not like that, Rory"

Rory got up frustrated, walking up and down in the kitchen while her mom followed her with her eyes.

"It's just... I've been... I've been feeling strange... frustrated. I don't even know how to put it. But when I am with him, it seems to be gone. He seems to know what to do, it's like he knows how I feel. I don't need to talk, we don't need to talk, he just knows" she went on, her speech more and more heated, her eyes sparkling "and yeah, it's strange, it's the strangest thing ever, how it all happened between us, without even talking, or knowing each other really, but it did, and now I don't know how to go back to change that" she trailed off and took a deep breath "it feels like if I try to change it, try to make it more traditional, it will break and I don't want that" she stopped again "I think I need him"

Her mother stared at her with her face slowly turning worried.

"Rory" she whispered, trying to gain her attention "why do you think you need him?"

"He makes me feel better" she whispered back.

"Why do you think you've been feeling bad?" Lorelai asked, finally getting closer to the problem.

Rory closed her eyes, as if really tired.

"I don't know, it just happened, everything got so dull and I got so... tired"

Lorelai looked on, concerned.

"Honey, why didn't you tell me all this?"

Rory opened her eyes, sitting back into the chair at the table, suddenly more in control of herself.

"I don't know. You were so busy with Matt, and work and everything. And so happy"

"Oh Rory"

"No, it's not like that, I am not jealous. It has nothing to do with that, really. I just guess it happened. I had been so focused on reaching my goals for so long and then suddenly realized that they are just goals, something I chose when I was a kid. And maybe dreams change, maybe goals should change as well"

"What do you mean?" her mom said, furrowing her brows, not following her.

"I don't know" she sighed shaking her head slightly, as if shooing away the thought "I don't know"

Lorelai looked on worried. For the first time in her life she felt like she didn't know what to do when it came to Rory. She realized that up to now, she never really had any real troubles when it came to her.


	10. Appetite for Destruction

She didn't even notice the stones hitting her window at first. Then when she did the sheer absurdity of it made her speechless. She opened the window and leaned out with a confused expression.

"You gotta be kidding me" she mumbled as she saw Tristan standing there beneath the window.

"What, you didn't have 'In your eyes' on cassette for your boom box?" she asked cynically.

"Very funny. Get down here" he said, without amusement.

"What?"

"Get down here" he repeated.

"It's past 11, Tristan" she whispered.

The house was already quiet and she was about to go to bed herself thinking he wouldn't show up tonight anyway, what with their scare that morning.

He stood there looking up, determined, not changing his mind.

She sighed.

"Why don't you just come up?" she said frustrated.

Tristan arched an eyebrow.

"Your dad probably has laser sensors set up, Rory"

She sighed.

"Fine. Wait there"

She went to her closet grabbing some jeans and a sweater and sneaked out of her room quietly. She didn't think much about what she was doing, it was another one of those automatic things that happened thanks to him.

She went outside, the cool night air hitting her face and she went around the house to where he had been standing earlier. She strained her eyes trying to see in the dark and gasped as she felt his hands suddenly pulling her behind the tree standing by the house.

He kissed her and she melted as soon as he felt his lips against hers.

"Hey" he breathed breaking away to look at her.

She sighed, still lost in the sensations of the unexpected kiss.

"I'm sorry about this morning" he whispered.

"It's okay" she said, not wanting to discuss the subject anymore.

"Were they..."

"Let's not talk about it" she cut him off.

He looked at her, his expression serious.

She met his gaze and he seemed to give in, dropping the subject.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

He looked at her, a hint of surprise flashing in his eyes.

"Just wanted to see you" he said, uncertain.

She looked at him, then his car parked on the street.

"Let's go" she said, walking past him towards the car, confident as only he could get her.

He stood there, missing a beat, then started behind her.

"Rory, are you sure? I mean, your parents..." he asked concerned.

She turned around and he stopped abruptly, almost bumping into her.

"Since when do you care?" she questioned him, raising an eyebrow.

He let out a long breath, studying her face, his expression calming and a trace of a smile appearing on his face.

"What is it?" he asked quietly.

"What is what?" she asked a hint of frustration upon feeling his piercing gaze.

"You are upset again" he said, stepping closer, his smile widening.

"What makes you think I am upset?" she asked trying to look dignified.

"You get horny when you're upset" he said, enjoying the slight shock he saw on her face.

She huffed turning around to walk towards the car, trying to hide the redness creeping across her face.

"Get in the damn car" she said annoyed, hearing his chuckle as she sat in the passenger seat.

He got in and started the car, not asking where they were going. They sat there in silence for a while.

"So?" he finally said, his voice still amused.

"So what?"

"Are you going to tell me why you're upset?" he said glancing in her direction "or are you just gonna have your way with me?"

"You wish, don't you?" she replied cynically.

He smirked while he watched the road.

"Pretty much, yeah" he replied, going along with the joke.

She leaned back into her seat watching the dark street as they drove.

"What did your mom say?" he asked, his voice suddenly serious, still staring at the road.

She sat there silent, her expression turning grave.

"She thinks I am depressed" she said simply "and that's why I'm running around with you".

Tristan kept his eyes on the road, not even flinching.

Rory looked at him, concentrating on his face, trying to read his mind.

"And what do you think?" he asked, his voice low, but with no apparent emotions.

"I think she exaggerates" she said, turning to face the road again.

A moment passed without either of them speaking.

"You two seem pretty close" he said, a hint of skepticism in his voice.

She turned towards him again. Was there really a bit of worry in his voice? She couldn't tell for sure.

"How is it that you seem to know so much about me and I know nothing about you?" she finally said, changing the subject.

He smiled lightly.

"Why do you feel you need to know?" he asked simply.

"Well... it's just...we're... aren't you supposed to know the one you're with?" her voice was uncertain for the first time this evening.

He looked at her for a little while, long enough for her to get uncomfortable and start to worry about him not watching the road as well.

"I wouldn't know" he said quietly.

She sat there, the meaning of the words sinking in.

"How many girls have you gone out with?" she suddenly asked.

He smirked at the sudden question.

"Why is this important?" he asked coyly.

"I am curious"

He didn't respond.

She stared at him questioning and he squirmed under her gaze. He actually squirmed.

"What does 'gone out with' mean?" he asked uncomfortably.

She couldn't help but smile.

"That much, huh?"

He shifted in his seat, sighing and she enjoyed the fact that she made him feel uncomfortable for once.

"There's been a couple. I haven't exactly had long term relationships..." he talked slow, formulating every word.

"Why not?" she cut in.

He sighed again, running his hand through his hair.

"I guess I don't like annoying questions" he said cynically, then sighed starting over "as I've said before, it's hard to keep me interested"

She stared at him, watching as he drove.

"How come you're still interested then?"

He smiled a light smile again as he slowly stopped the car. Rory realized they were at the lake again. She watched as he turned to her.

"You know I am not good with explaining myself, Rory" he slowly said.

"Try" she replied, her confidence present again.

He sighed. And stared out onto the lake, silent for long seconds.

"I like you" he said slowly, the words coming out with difficulty "I thought I made that clear last night" he went on, still not looking at her.

"Why do you like me?" she continued her questions.

"You ask a lot of questions, you know" he said slightly annoyed and embarrassed.

"Good trait for a reporter" she quipped. Then seeing his frustration added: "And this is how you get to know people"

He sighed, then cleared his throat, narrowing his eyes concentrating on something out on the lake. He opened his mouth and his words came quiet, low.

"I am hard to impress, harder to keep interested, I am indifferent, so if something does get my attention, it means that it has an effect on me" he slowly turned towards her and reached out a hand to pull her into his hold as he went on, his voice getting even lower "I don't like to be pushed into doing things I don't like, including talking about things I don't exactly have a grip on" he went on, his voice suggestive "I have low tolerance for people. But I like dogs. And I like punk rock. And for some reason black and white movies. My favorite color is blue, my favorite food is hot-dogs, I have a sister named Amanda and I once stole a Guns N' Roses record from a store" he stopped for a second, his face only inches away from hers, his eyes sparkling and staring at hers.

He went on, his voice dropping to a whisper "I love my car, but I don't ever clean it, which explains the mess in the back. I hang out with kids that probably don't even know my last name but would stick by me if it ever came to that" he looked at her intently, as Rory's breathing became shallow, feeling his hot breath on her face.

With a small smirk he continued "I lost my virginity at twelve years old, but didn't really enjoy sex till age fourteen. Yes, I've been with a couple of ladies. But the thing is, I became infatuated with this one girl about 3 weeks ago when she walked in on me while someone was giving me a pretty sloppy blow job and the only reason I even managed to cum was because she was looking at me with these incredible blue eyes" he whispered, his voice low, husky, his breath tickling the side of her face.

Rory's breath caught in her chest not only because of the profanity of his words but the sudden excitement she was experiencing.

"And that, Rory Hayden Gilmore, is all I can think of right now that you need to know about me" he finished and his lips moved to kiss her neck.

She smiled and exhaled as she felt his tongue trace her neck. She let him lift her, coming to straddle him and her hands went up to his head, her fingers running through his hair.

His hands went up to her face pulling her down in order to kiss her, but she resisted pulling away slightly.

"Which Guns N' Roses record?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

He smirked as he looked up at her.

"Appetite for Destruction" he answered and pulled her in, this time succeeding and meeting her lips in a bruising kiss.

She gasped feeling his intensity, his lips brushing hers, his tongue attacking her, darting into her mouth. She moaned into the kiss and she felt him respond, pulling her down onto his hips, letting her feel his arousal.

He groaned as she broke away looking up at her, with eyes clouded with want. She steadied her breathing, her face slightly flushed.

"So wait, you like me because I walked in on you while someone was giving you a blow job?" she asked teasing.

He groaned, closing his eyes.

"Seriously, what's with the questions, Rory?" he asked sighing and trying to pull her in for another kiss.

She resisted, a smile creeping across her face.

He groaned again pulling her face close to whisper in her ear.

"You are such a fucking tease" he whispered and his voice sent shivers down her spine.

"All you have to do is tell me" she went on, feigning innocence.

"You didn't leave. You just stood there staring" he said slowly, his voice low, almost cracking from his desire "with those gorgeous blue eyes. And I swear it felt like you were turned on for a second, your eyes..." his voice was only a murmur now and she had to keep herself from kissing him, it turned her on so "there was something in them and it made me want you, made me want to..." he trailed off and pulled her down on his hips again suggestively.

She inhaled sharply and listened holding her breath waiting for him to go on.

His hand went up to the side of her face playing with the lock or hair that came loose from her ponytail and her heart raced feeling his fingers brush against her skin.

"Then when you came up to me in that parking lot after..." he trailed off again and she remembered the day at the ice cream shop, when Dean left her stranded.

"You looked so confident, determined... and so fucking lost" he went on inhaling her scent as he buried his head in the crook of her neck "I know that feeling. It felt like I knew you. I guess that's when I started to like you, but I can't tell for sure. It was scary. How much you felt like me, back when I used to try to fight it" he said, his voice dropping another notch, this time less husky, and more weary.

She sighed remembering the feelings she was running from. The feelings that she could only escape when she was with him, the only person who seemed to know what they were like.

"I felt like... I wanted to... help you or... I don't know. Maybe it can't be helped. But I wanted to let you know I knew what it was like" he sighed and Rory felt herself snake her arms around his neck as if thanking him silently.

"Then when we were here, you reminded me of how much you fucking turn me on" his voice turned husky again and she felt her heart race once more "and I kind of forgot about wanting to help you and just..." he trailed off again smirking and Rory remembered the first time they were together right here.

"Maybe you did help me" she whispered.

He pulled back to look at her again, his face serious again, his eyes dark and sparkling.

"I don't know" he said "it felt like running" he went on "It felt like running up till last night".

She stared in his eyes, his closeness filling her with a warm feeling and she leaned into his chest slowly to hug him tight as he wrapped his arms around her. She heard him sigh almost as if he were relieved and she smiled into his chest, thankful for the calmness that settled over her.


	11. Killing it

She was packing books into her locker, relieved that another day had gone by.

Each day at school reminded her that time was passing, wasting and each day she felt like she was avoiding a problem. Not facing it. It felt like there was a thing bothering her, that she couldn't quite grip, something she was sure she could face if only she knew what the hell it was.

Her pondering was interrupted when she felt his hand spin her around and his lips brushing against hers.

She forgot all that she had been thinking about. When he was around, those things didn't seem to exist.

She closed her eyes kissing him, forgetting for a moment where they were and only broke away when she heard people whispering.

She saw a couple of her classmates staring at the two of them.

"You ready to go?" he asked her, ignoring the people around them.

She nodded as she closed her locker and followed him willingly as he took her hand walking slightly ahead of her confidently down the hall.

Rory couldn't help but watch him absentminded as they walked down the hall, his steps long, his demeanour determined. She liked his confidence, his stoic presence. And she loved the way he walked. There was something about it. It wasn't even walking, it was strolling, gliding, his steps smooth, long. She quickened her pace trying to keep up and couldn't help but smile lightly as she saw people looking at them in shock.

She wondered what they were thinking. Well, she had an idea. They were probably shocked.

Rory Gilmore, reserved bookworm and Tristan DuGrey, registered bad ass hand in hand.

Tristan wasn't one to be walking down the halls holding some girl's hand. Yes, he had been known to hook up with quite a lot of them and he was often seen chatting them up or pushing them up against a locker, angering the teachers as he did so. But holding someones hand... this was too exclusive, too intimate, too full of emotions for him.

He seemed to be oblivious to the shocked stares and whispering and walked on unaffected out through the front door and towards his car parked in the parking lot.

He let Rory's hand go to open the car door and motioned her to get in. She obeyed and got comfortable in the passenger seat letting out a long sigh as he started the car.

"Never got so many stares in my life" she mumbled.

"What's that?" he said facing her not understanding.

She smiled a tired smile.

"I said they seemed to be quite shocked in there"

"Oh" he simply said turning back and maneuvering the car out onto the road "were they looking?"

Rory's eye widened.

"Are you serious?" she chuckled "they were practically stalling"

He shrugged his shoulders, his face indifferent.

"Didn't notice"

"Didn't notice? The looking? The whispering? I am pretty sure I saw this one kid alerting the press" she rambled.

"What does it matter, Rory?" he asked slightly annoyed, breaking her off.

"It doesn't" she said uncertain, surprised by his reaction.

He sighed.

"They're stupid high school students, Rory, they have nothing better to do than gossip and stare" his voice was cold, even as he tried to explain himself "I've learned to not notice" he went on, his voice slightly warmer.

She sat in her seat immersed in thought.

He glanced her way, seeing her brows furrowed, her face concentrating.

"What?" he asked lightly, trying to get her to talk to him.

"Nothing" she replied automatically.

"Rory" he pleaded trying to find out what she was thinking about.

"You never told me how many girls" she said simply, her voice calm.

He sighed again cursing under his breath, but smiling at the same time.

"Why are you asking this?" he asked, his tone playful.

"I want to know" she turned to him in her seat, pulling her legs up under herself.

"Why is this important?" he squirmed.

"It's not. I just want to know" she said determined, not backing down.

"I don't know" he said, his voice serious.

"You don't know?" she repeated.

He sighed again.

"I don't know the exact number"

Rory looked on slightly amused, but not saying anything. He clearly was uncomfortable.

"A lot. Too many. And it's not important" he said, like it took him a lot of effort to get the words out.

"Why do you say too many?" she went on, not wanting to drop the subject.

He groaned and gripped the wheel stronger frustrated by her unwillingness.

"Because" he shot back then sighed again starting over "I've been with too many. Most of them didn't mean a thing. Most of them I can't even remember and don't even want to and it doesn't matter"

"Why were you with them then?" she asked.

He shrugged not being able to answer.

"I don't know. Kill time?"

She arched an eyebrow.

"So you just sleep with them to kill time?" she asked.

He sighed again.

"I slept with them to kill the emptiness" his voice was low, serious, his face suddenly stern.

She looked on uneasy, the realisation suddenly hitting her.

"Only, it didn't. Almost nothing does" he said slowly glancing at the rear view mirror.

She looked at him in silence.

"Do I kill it?" she asked, her voice small.

He glanced at her again, his face serious, then a hint of a smile flashing on it.

"You torture it to death with your questions" he replied.

She smiled a small smile looking on.

"Yeah, you kill it" he whispered looking back on the road.

She let her head drop back, easing herself into her seat, a bittersweet smile on her face. She knew what he was talking about. She knew it all too well.

"What do you want to do?" he asked her and the question pulled her back from her thoughts.

She shrugged.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"Always" she replied with a wide smile.

xxxxxxxxxxx

"You weren't kidding, were you?" Tristan asked astonished as Rory finished off her plate sitting across from him in a booth at the diner they found.

She smiled a defiant smile taking a sip from her soda. He looked on, leaning back, his arm hung up on the back of his seat.

"My mom and me, we can eat a six course meal any time of day"

"Really?" he chuckled lightly.

"There is really nothing better than eating, if you think about it" she said, completely serious.

"Well, I don't know. I can think of a couple of things that are better" he said smirking.

"Oh come on!" she exclaimed "there is nothing, nothing better"

"So you're saying if you had to give up food or sex..." he started, but was cut off.

"Sex. I'd give up sex in a heartbeat" she said and put another fry in her mouth.

"Okay now, take your time deciding" he joked.

She just smiled at him and went back to concentrating on the remains of her food.

"I can't believe you. I don't know whether to think you crazy or to feel uncertain about my ability to please you sexually" he said with mock hurt.

"You don't have to be uncertain" she said automatically, then blushed when she saw his grin.

"I mean, I am crazy, it's a Gilmore girl thing. We are obsessed with food" she rambled nervously.

"Your mom and you" he said, watching her amused.

"Yeah, we used to have movie nights when we would sit down and watch a movie and mock it. But the main thing was that we would order from three different take-out places, at least, and would eat until we imploded" she said, her eyes sparkling.

"Sounds like fun. How come you don't do it anymore?" he asked quietly, coming to bring his arm to rest on the table.

She looked at him, her face becoming grave. She shrugged.

"I don't know. I guess mom's busy with Matt, my little brother. There's just never enough time, or I don't know"

He studied her face intently, not saying anything.

"It's good to see them happy, you know? I mean, they had me when they were really young and that was great, growing up with such young parents, they're really cool. But I think they just sort of had to juggle having me and growing up themselves. And now their life seems set, my mom has her inn that she started and dad likes his job and they decided to have another kid and it's great, really great, but it's just different"  
"Yeah, I bet" he said watching her still.

"Sometimes I feel like I never gave them much trouble so they find it hard to believe I have any problems" she mumbled, her voice getting more quiet.

"You think they don't see that you have problems?" he asked.

"Well I guess they do. They just don't know what to do with it"

"Because you were never any trouble?" he asked.

"Yeah" she mouthed.

"I don't know, Rory. I don't think that's an excuse" he said, his eyes reflecting hurt as she looked up to see them.

"So what did they say about me being in your room?" he suddenly asked.

Rory stopped mid motion and her face hardened.

She didn't answer but concentrated on finding the last pieces of fries on her plate instead. Tristan looked on patiently.  
She sighed.

"Well, dad freaked out. But he never really even said anything to me" she started, her gaze fixed on her plate "and mom... she's... she's just worried"

"Worried?" he asked.

"Yeah" she replied, not wanting to elaborate.

He nodded slightly.

"It doesn't really matter, does it?" she looked up finally looking at him.

"What?" he asked.

"What they think" she explained.

"I don't know. Doesn't it matter to you?" he asked furrowing his brows.

She shrugged.

"I am sick of trying to explain myself. When I can't. They want me to explain myself and I just want them to accept" she blurted out.  
"Accept what?" he asked carefully.

"Me. And everything. And that I like you" she said simply, shrugging again.

He shifted in his seat and let out a quiet chuckle.

"What?" she asked.

He leaned forward and cleared his throat, his gaze dropping, his hands playing with hers absent minded.

"Nothing. You like me. That seems to be a step back" he said suggestively, looking away and smiling faintly, his voice low as if he were afraid someone might hear.

She blushed and dropped her gaze, catching the hint. She took a deep breath remembering her revelation in bed. It was definitely a heat of the moment thing, even though at the time she felt like she meant it, feeling overwhelmed and safe and calm in his arms. It did seem true, even though she still felt like she knew nothing about him. The more she learnt, the bigger mystery he seemed to be.

"Hey Tristan, what's up man? Long time no see" she heard someone say and looked up to find a guy slide into the seat next to Tristan who shifted uncomfortably, suddenly pulling his hands back.

Noticing her, the guy added "Who's the girl?"

Tristan sighed and glanced at Rory for a second, then back at the guy.

"Hey Dave, how you doing?" he said.

"Good man, we've been missing you. Prep school keep you busy?" he asked but didn't look at him, eying Rory instead. She recognized him as one of the guys she saw with Tristan after her fight with Dean.

"Yeah, you know, I've had some stuff to do"

"Stuff, huh?" the guy said smirking, still looking at Rory.

She felt herself blush under his piercing gaze.

"Hey, I know you..." he said narrowing his eyes "aren't you that girl..."

Tristan's voice cut him off.

"This is Rory" he said, his voice cool and calm "my girlfriend. Rory, this is Dave"

Rory's head shot up and her breath caught in her chest as she looked at Tristan. He was sitting there, his face calm, his eyes crystal clear.  
The guy gave a knowing smirk and got up slowly.

"Good for you" he said patting him on the back as he walked towards the exit "don't forget all about us though"

Rory just sat there, unable to tear her eyes away from his face. He stood her gaze calmly, watching her.

"What's the matter? I am missing the annoying questions suddenly" he smirked as he dug in his pockets, tossing some money on the table and slowly getting up.

Rory blushed and gathered her stuff as well, rising silently, not knowing what to say. She started walking towards the exit and smiled as she felt his arm go around her pulling her close as they walked outside.

"Girlfriend?" she asked quietly, watching his expression.

"And the questions are back, ladies and gentlemen, everybody relax" he said cynically.

Rory stopped and looked at him questioning and he stopped after a couple of steps, turning back but avoiding her gaze.

"Dave will jump on anyone with an XX chromosome constellation, okay? Just wanted to let him know"

Rory looked on, amused by his anxiety.

"Let him know...?" she asked arching an eyebrow.

Tristan groaned, then took a couple of steps taking her in his arms, pulling her close.

"Let him know you're mine, so he better stay the hell away" he said, his voice dropping low, and his eyes becoming dark with want.

"Now, is that any way to act with your good friends?" she went on teasing.

He buried his face in her hair, then found her neck with his lips.

"I don't like sharing" he mumbled between kisses and she laughed.

"So you haven't been hanging out with Dave and his friends lately?" she asked him coyly.

He smirked and walked to his car, opening the door.

"I've been busy climbing through your window" he answered.

She blushed again, looking around to see who heard and got in the car.

"How do you know them?" she asked him.

"The guys? I don't know. From here and there. They are more down to earth than the snobs at Chilton, so I hang out with them"

"Won't they be mad you neglect them?" she asked worried.

"I am not neglecting them" he said turning to her "don't worry about it. Besides, now that Dave saw you, I have a good excuse, trust me" he smirked again and she couldn't help but blush.

"Come here" he whispered, his voice low, husky.

She turned even more red but drew closer to him.

"Who are you neglecting to be here right now?" he asked playfully as he started kissing her neck again.

"No one" she said closing her eyes, enjoying his touch.

"No one?" he asked, his words vibrating on her skin.

"No" she said, her voice low.

"No pals from Chilton? No best friend in Stars Hollow?" he went on, his voice teasing as he licked at her skin.

She let out a soft moan.

"I am sure they are pissed at you making out with me in a car instead of spending time with them" he said chuckling as he pulled away to look at her face.

She sighed at the loss of touch and let him brush a strand of hair from her face.

"I haven't been spending much time with them anyways" she said simply as she laid back in her seat.

"How come?" he asked looking at her.

She shrugged.

"I haven't felt like it" she replied "You know what that is like"

"Yeah. I know" he said.

Rory looked at him smiling faintly. He did know. He seemed to know and understand everything about her. She felt like she could explain herself without even speaking. He seemed to get the words that others didn't. It was reassuring. She smiled as she watched him start the car.

"So where to?" he asked glancing at her.

"I haven't seen your room yet" she replied.

Suddenly he tensed. Rory noticed and wondered what the reason was.

He checked his watch and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Okay" he said pulling out of the parking lot.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She walked through the room looking around. It was very much like Tristan. Mysterious, dark, but reassuring somehow.

She felt comfortable straight away. It was different from the rest of the house which was neatly kept and a bit tacky, screaming of money and 'taste'. It surprised her how empty it was, although she was glad she didn't have to go through any introductions.

She watched as Tristan took his jacket off, throwing it in his closet then walked to the door casually to shut the door and lock it. She blushed and looked away.

He leaned his back against the door watching her move and examine his things. His books laid on his desk and she found herself smiling at the fact that Tristan DuGrey would actually study for something. She moved on and her eyes came to rest on a piece of paper. It was a drawing of a futuristic building, rambling and crooked.

"Did you do this?" she said looking back up at him.

He nodded, not moving from his spot.

"This is amazing" she looked back at the drawing, then up at him again.

"A little less shock please" he chuckled lightly.

"Tristan, this is incredible. You thinking about doing architecture?" she asked still not able to tear her eyes away from the drawing.

He sighed, leaving his spot at the door and walking up to her taking the drawing out of her hand and throwing it back to his desk.

"I might. I don't know" he said dragging her towards his bed and sitting down, pulling her close and lifting her shirt slightly to place small kissed on her stomach.

"You are really talented" she said, her voice ecstatic.

"Hold on, I haven't even even gotten to the good part yet" he said suggestively, his voice husky.

"I mean your drawing" she pushed him away slightly and he fell back on his bed dramatically, sighing annoyed.

"Rory" he groaned.

"This is so great, this is what you are gonna end up doing, right?" she enthused not taking notice of his frustration.

"I might. Or I might become a gigolo and entertain ladies who are actually attracted to me"

She laughed slumping down on the bed laying next to him. He turned to face her and brushed a strand of hair away from her face.  
"You should definitely do this. Which colleges are good for architecture?" she went on, her eyes sparkling.

"I don't know" he mumbled as he pulled her closer.

"Tristan" she said trying to get his attention.

"I don't know, Rory. I haven't even thought about this. I don't think I am going to go straight to college when I finish high school"

She looked at him puzzled.

He sighed.

"I think I'm gonna travel. See things. Experience things. I don't want to be in a rush to do something when I'm not even sure it's what I want" he said playing with a lock of hair, his voice serious.

She looked at him silenced.

"You want to travel?"

He smiled.

"Yeah. I want to see South America. Europe. Asia. I don't know. There is so much to see, so much to do while you're still young. Why should I be in such a hurry to start wasting away in college? I'll have time when I figure out if it's really what I want. There's no rush"

She looked at him hypnotized. It made so much sense when he said it.

"Aren't you afraid you fall behind?"

He chuckled.

"It's not a race, Rory, life. So you'll be a fucking journalist by age 25, you'll still be lost and wondering what else you could have done"

Her face became serious.

He sighed as if regretting what he just said.

"Hey" he said, lifting her chin with his hand "we still have a year to figure all this crap out"

"Yeah" she mumbled agreeing.

He moved closer nuzzling her neck.

"And I still have a couple of hours till this house becomes the cuckoo's nest, so how about you let me show you some of my other talents?"

he murmured into her ears rolling on top of her and she sighed, a smile slowly creeping across her face.

"I thought you got scared away from having sex with me where people can walk in" she teased as he kissed her neck hungrily.

"See now, I don't forget to lock doors" he said and plunged in for a kiss taking her breath away. He lifted her arms above her head and kissed her passionately.

"Yes, you seem to have quite the experience" she smiled, her words coming out ragged.

He suddenly stopped and looked up concentrating. Rory frowned not understanding then realized she heard someone coming up the stairs making a lot of noise.

"Crap" he cursed "I thought today was dance lesson" he mumbled under his breath and Rory just looked on not understanding.

"Tris? You home?" she heard a girl's voice call out and she shifted beneath him uncomfortably.

"No" he mumbled into her hair dropping his head, then repeated louder as he heard his name being called again.

"Oh stop it, I saw your car" the voice came from just outside the door and Rory saw the doorknob twist as someone was trying to open it.

"Why is your door locked, Tris?" she heard the voice becoming more annoyed "come on, open it, we need to talk"

Tristan propped himself up on his arms and Rory got up nervously, evening out her clothes.

"Mandy, I'm busy in here" he said annoyed.

"Busy doing what?" the voice replied.

He sighed and cursed under his breath as he got up and walked over to the door. Rory just looked on puzzled, coming to sit on the bed facing the door.

Tristan opened the door to reveal a young girl, maybe 14 standing there in a school uniform. She had long, curly, blond hair and blue eyes, just like Tristan's.

"I thought you had dance lessons today" Tristan said annoyed.

"Got cancelled. I need to talk to you about dad. He was really pissed last night when you went out aga..." she said pushing past him to walk inside and stopping surprised as she noticed Rory sitting on the bed shifting uncomfortably.

"Hi" the blond said, obviously surprised. Tristan caught up with her and he sighed.

"Mandy, this is Rory. Rory, this is my sister, Amanda"

Rory smiled faintly and watched as a wide smile appeared on Amanda's face.

"Wow, I don't think I've ever seen you bring a girl home" she said amused.

"Relax Mandy, we're working on a project for school" he said.

"Project. Right" she smiled at Rory and she couldn't help but smile back seeing the mischievous spark in her eyes. She reminded her so much of Tristan, but she seemed so lighthearted, carefree, something he must have been once too.

She turned to face Tristan.

"Hey listen, you might wanna stay home tonight, dad was really pissed" she said.

"Yeah, I heard you the first time" Tristan said annoyed "so what else is new?"

"He mentioned military school again" she said, her voice turning from accusing to worried.

"Alright Mandy, don't worry about it" he said groaning, running his fingers through his hair.

"Tris-" she said again, but he cut her off.

"Don't worry about it" his voice was low, calm, a sort of tone Rory came to know. It was the tone he used to calm her down as well.

It seemed to work. Amanda sighed, then turned back to Rory.

"So you go to school with him?" she asked smiling.

Rory nodded in return.

"So tell me, is he really the bad ass of Chilton?" she asked slumping down next to Rory and looking at her brother teasing. Tristan rolled his eyes and walked to his closet disappearing.

"He is quite the persona, yes" Rory answered looking after him a bit uneasy.

"I bet. Dad gets a call from the principal every other day. You his girlfriend?" Amanda asked and smiled as she saw Rory blush, the question taking her by surprise.

"He really never did bring any girls home, that's why I'm asking" she added.

"Stop interrogating, Mandy" Tristan warned as he walked out of his closet, clad in jeans and a sweatshirt.

"Come on Rory, let's go" he said quietly and walked out of the room not even glancing at his sister.

Rory looked at Amanda smiling faintly and got up to follow him.

"When are you coming home, Tris?" she heard her ask him worried.

"Don't worry about it, Mandy" he repeated and pulled Rory down the stairs holding her hand.

"Military school?" she asked, her voice small as they walked out to the car.

He sighed opening the door.

"Gotta love the questions" he said annoyed as he sat in.

Rory followed, her face worried.

"Tristan" she called his name and he sighed again having to acknowledge the question.

"It's something my dad brings up if he's pissed at me. He thinks I need structure in my life, discipline"

"He wants to send you to military school?" she asked.

"He's been saying it for years, Rory, don't worry about it" he said, touching her hand lightly with his, then he started the car.

Rory stared at him trying to accept what he said, but she couldn't help the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Don't wory about it" he said again, and she looked away, trying to hide her worry.

He sighed, closing his eyes and gripping the wheel tight.

"Let me take you home" he said, starting the car.

"Oh. Sure" she managed, not being able to hide her disappointment. She felt like there was suddenly a huge wall between the two of them, that he was annoyed by the turn of events, the conversation with his sister, then her questioning him.

He looked at her as if sensing her feelings.

"Let's not risk pissing your parents off again, Rory" he said and somehow the statement angered Rory. It was as though he was trying to find an excuse not to be with her and making it seem like it was all for her own good.

She shrugged lightly, shooing the thought away. She hated herself for being affected by him, even though she knew she was. For some reason she already felt like she could question him about everything and anything, when it was clear that she couldn't. And she laughed at herself for even thinking that for a second. After all, it was not like they were joined body and soul, she couldn't expect anything from him.

Yet it still left a funny feeling in the pit of her stomach. She wondered how he could go from making her feel ecstatic and wanted to isolated within hours or minutes.

She sat in the passenger seat staring out the window and he seemed to be immersed in his own thoughts. The ride was silent once again, but this time it didn't feel so comfortable.


	12. Inertia creeps

She was in a bad mood again. It was different this time. It wasn't her usual indifference. It was actually... anger. Hurt. Humiliation. She laughed at herself.

After wishing for so long to have feelings again, any type of feelings, she had them, thanks to him. But it was feelings of rejection, uncertainty.

He didn't show last night.

Yeah, alright, so he never promised or said anything. He took her home, kissed her goodbye casually and sped off in his car. There was no mention of him coming by later. Yet she still expected it somehow.

As the night when on, she felt more and more stupid, and down. She felt angry at herself for missing him. It had only been a couple of days together really, yet she's come to rely on his presence there with her every night.

She tossed and turned in her sleep and woke up frustrated in the morning.

Going to school didn't make it any better either. She felt nausea just stepping into the hall of the school, seeing the swarm of uniforms around her. Then going to the classes. Boring as ever.

She didn't go to the bleachers. She couldn't tell whether it was to piss him off and repay him for what he's done or just out of fear that he wouldn't be there anyways.

She groaned inwardly as she walked down the hall before her French class. She knew she'd see him there for sure and her heart started racing.

She sighed and took a sharp left turn going into the bathroom.

She went inside a stall and shut the door, craving the privacy of the little hideout.

She told herself to get a fucking grip. She hated the fact that she would be so caught up in this, trying to figure him out, trying to know what he did and why. He probably didn't even do it on purpose. It was probably nothing. Just too close, too soon. And yeah, everybody needs their own space.

She sneered. Fucking banalities.

She wished she could clear her mind. Of him, of her family, of everything.

She looked at her watch and cursed. She took a deep breath and walked out of the stall and out of the bathroom, walking briskly to reach the classroom before the bell rang.

She walked in and sensed his eyes on her at once. It was incredible, like she had a sixth sense just for him, just for knowing he was there looking at her. She forbade herself to look up. She walked to her seat instead as the bell rang and sat down. She felt his gaze on her, burning holes in her back all period long. She couldn't concentrate on what the class was about. Couldn't calm her breathing. She stared in front of herself, wishing for the seconds, minutes to pass. Then darted out of the classroom as soon as the bell rang.

She knew in the back of her mind she was acting childish. Ridiculous. That it was stupid. And that he should at least be given the benefit of the doubt. Or a chance to explain. Or rather not explain at all, since there was nothing to explain.

Still, she couldn't help but feel angry at him. For some reason. She couldn't quite grasp it.

She slammed her locker shut, the metallic ringing echoing through the hall even with the loud chatter of the kids getting ready to take off from school.

She turned to walk towards the exit and almost bumped into him.

He stood there, his brows furrowed, his expression indifferent. It scared her for a second. It reminded her of what he used to look like to her. Unreachable, indifferent, distant. Something she hasn't seen him for the last couple of days. Not since he's been spending his nights at her bedroom.

They stared at each other for a second, both trying to figure out the thoughts that were buzzing in the other's head.

She finally crumbled under his intense glare, not being able to stand his gaze anymore. She looked around frustrated and took a deep breath.

She made a move to walk around him and she heard him snort.

"Here we go again" he said cynically.

She stopped in her track, her anger boiling over, finally finding a way to vent.

"Excuse me?"

He just smiled a nasty smile, shaking his head.

She felt her frustration grow, seeing that smile. She attempted to walk by him again, but she felt his hand grab her arm, stopping her.

"What is it?" he asked, his face serious, his eyes glaring at her.

She just looked at him, feeling frustrated and oddly aware of their surroundings.

She wanted out. She felt like the halls were closing down around them, the air slipping away.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"You're avoiding me" he said, his voice low, his grip still firm on her arm.

"Oh I'm the one avoiding?" she said automatically and was at once mad at herself for blurting out the words.

His eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Are you pissed at me for something?" he asked his face in an incredulous expression.

She sighed and looked around frustrated, wishing for a way out of there.

He hissed and turned around, not letting go of her, practically dragging her out with him to the parking lot to his car without saying a word. She let herself be lead, not having the strength to protest. She felt the sheer tension radiating from his body and she suddenly felt weak, and stupid for having behaved like she did. It was definitely his effect. Feeling his body near, his arm guiding her, holding on to her, his anger imminent, his face determined and pissed, it all turned her on. For some weird reason.

He practically shoved her in the car, opening the door for her, then went around and got in angrily. The tires screeched as he pulled out of the parking lot, not saying a thing and driving away.

She felt smaller and smaller in her seat. He didn't say anything, but she could tell, not even looking at him, that his face was angry, his breathing laboured.

That seemed to be compensation for her. Realizing she had that effect on him as well.

This suddenly brought a calmness over her. It was the strangest thing ever. Here they were, speeding in his car, turning corners with screeching tires, him obviously getting more pissed by every moment. And she felt oddly calm. The frustration she had been feeling since last night seemed to disappear and her body dissolved into this indifference, her heart rate calming. She found it weird.

She sat in the car looking out on the road ahead of them, recognizing it already. They were going to the lake, she knew.

Obviously it was secluded. The only place there could be only the two of them.

She sat motionless as the car came to a jerking halt and the dust slowly settled around them. She watched as he got out of the car, slamming the door violently and started walking around in little circles. It was oddly amusing, he was like a caged panther, shooting her a deadly glare every now and then.

She opened her door quietly and slid out coming to stand in front of the car.

He stopped and stared at her, taking a deep breath, as if trying to calm himself.

"You want to tell me what the fuck is wrong?" he spat at her, his tone harsh.

She just stood there watching him, like a child caught doing something wrong, not being able to answer.

He started pacing up and down again.

"You are fucking crazy, I just can't figure you out, Rory"

She dropped her gaze to the ground, her face indifferent.

She heard his words, accusing, and knew he was right, still there was no remorse in her. In fact she felt nothing at all.

"Talk to me" he shouted and she gasped at the intensity he was yelling with, her first reaction since they had arrived.

She looked at him, her eyes innocently blue, lifting her shoulders slightly, barely a shrug.

He looked at her bewildered. He took a couple of steps in her direction, his movements fast, almost violent and she couldn't help but feel her heart rate pick up again, her breathing caught in her chest.

She stared in his eyes, dark and clouded.

She stepped closer to him, her movements innocent, her face stopping just inches away from his. She felt his breath on her face and saw him close his eyes desperately.

"Don't, Rory" he said, his voice low, cracking "we're passed this phase"

"What phase?" she whispered, her voice husky.

"The 'fucking me to make yourself feel better' phase" he spat opening his eyes, glowing with anger.

She smiled lightly.

He groaned frustrated turning to walk away, but she reached out a hand stopping him, clinging to his jacket.

He sighed, feeling her arms forcing him to turn back towards her and he closed his eyes again.

"Don't" he repeated, but let himself be pulled towards her, stumbling as she hit the hood of his car with the back of her legs.

Her lips found his cheeks, placing small kisses on his face and he tensed under her touch, the air coming out of his lungs in jaggered little breaths. He leaned forward resting his weight on the hood of the car with his hands on each side of her and let her kiss him all over his face and neck, his face in a frown.

"Rory" he called her name, almost like a last plea, but she ignored him, her lips finding his.

She licked his lips asking for entrance and he remained motionless for a second, resisting her request. She tried again and this time he gave in, parting his lips. She slid her tongue inside his mouth, meeting his own, battling for control and their kiss deepened, becoming more passionate as he lost control.

He pressed her back against the car pushing her up on it and parting her legs to stand in between them. He pulled her close to him and she felt overwhelmed by the strength he seemed to posses. She heard him groan frustrated into their kiss, the sound sending vibrations through her. She moaned. It seemed to wash away the last of his defense and he pushed his body closer to hers, letting her feel his already tight crotch against her center.

He pushed her backwards and she fell back on the hood of his car, her hair spreading out around her face. She watched, her breath caught in her chest as he stared down at her, his face still hard, and in a frown, his breathing quick and shallow.

His eyes locked with hers, sparkling and full of desire as his hands went slowly under her skirt and tugging at her panties. He pulled them down without resistance, throwing them on the ground, not breaking their gaze.

She whimpered feeling the incredible need inside of her, the incredible want to have him crashing into her and his expression changed as he suddenly seemed to feel having the upper hand.

He stared down at her and she closed her eyes longing, arching her back slightly to make him speed up his actions again.

She let out another whimper and saw him tremble, then hastily unbuckle his pants and pulling it down slightly together with his boxers.

He suddenly grabbed her hips and entered her with one long thrust making her cry out in surprise and pleasure as he tore through her.

Her eyes snapped open, wide with shock as she saw his determined face, full of want and aggression. He thrust into her hard and made her cry out again, her eyes fluttering shut, lost at the sensation and the surprise of him taking her without hesitation.

She felt completely lost as she felt him slam into her again and again, her wetness making it easy for him to do so. She felt completely overcome and limp as he felt his violent movements, heard his muffled grunts. She couldn't help but whimper with every thrust, the friction sending a tremble through her body and pushing her closer and closer to the edge. She felt her heart race and her body come alive with fire.

She repeated his name over and over again and it seemed to drive him over the edge. He increased his pace, slamming into her without any sign of holding back and cursed under his breath, closing his eyes.

She came hard, her body jerking, her voice loud and jaggered as she moaned, her sight going black for a couple of seconds. He followed her with one last thrust, his face in a frown and a loud groan escaping his lips.

He collapsed on top of her, burying his face in her hair, wheezing hard. She let the warm numbness spread all over her body, smelling the scent of his cologne and sweat, her arms going up to his scalp.

They laid there for minutes, with her pressed up against the hood of the car, his body covering hers.

She felt him move and let him out of her hold reluctantly, forcing her eyes open, still a hard task, with the haze over them.

She saw his expression, hurt and disturbed as he pulled his pants up.

"Tristan" she whispered his name trying to get him to look at her, but he turned his face away slightly, his eyes shut tight, his breathing heavy.

She watched his struggle astonished and called his name out again touching his face lightly.

He scoffed, squeezing his eyes shut even more tight as he supported his weight on his arms on the hood. She slipped off the hood and nestled close to him, her arms going around his torso.

"Why are you doing this to me?" he asked her, his voice low, broken, exhausted.

It broke her heart.

She stared at him as he opened his eyes, full of hurt and it made her feel horrible.

He looked at her, steadying his breathing, trying to regain control of his body, his emotions.

She opened her mouth to talk, suddenly feeling guilty and worthless.

"I'm sorry" she whispered, her forehead coming to rest against his "I'm so sorry"

He closed his eyes taking a deep breath, then kissed her forehead.

It made her sigh.

"I'm sorry" she said again, the words suddenly flowing "I got so frustrated. I am so uselessly stupid, it scares me. I didn't know what to do with myself and felt so fucking stupid for missing you. It's pathetic, I know it is, but I couldn't help it and I got mad and wanted to hurt you for making me feel this way, I am so fucked up, I'm sorry" she repeated delirious and he pulled her close, hushing her.

She buried her face in his chest, feeling embarrassed and weak and he held her whispering in her ear, trying to calm her.

Her breathing was erratic and she kept mumbling into his hold.

"It just scared me, you got so distant yesterday and then disappeared and I didn't know what it meant and then felt ridiculous for not being able to take it and accept it..."

"Rory" he called her name, breaking her rambling.

She sighed, giving up trying to explain.

"It was not about you" he said.

She looked up, her face worried.

He cursed.

"You don't need to know about my family. My dad and his stupid things. I don't want us to talk about it"

"But it affects you" she said.

"I don't want it to. And I definitely didn't want it to affect you. That's why I took off... I just... I didn't want to make this into something"

"But it is"

He sighed.

She looked at him as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Why can you be there for me when I am delirious but I can't even know what bothers you?" she asked.

He sighed, closing his eyes.

"That's not how it is, Rory"

She just looked at him challenging.

"I don't know. I've gone this long without anyone having to know about my problems. If I make them into our problems I have to acknowledge they exist" he exhaled.

"I think there's nothing more incredible than somebody finally getting what your problems are, when no one else ever did" she said, her voice small, her eyes intent.

He sighed, his defences gone.

"Come here" he whispered as he pulled her into a strong hug. He groaned feeling her in his arms, his body finally relaxing, but his hold strong, squeezing so tight she could hardly breathe.


	13. The importance of being careless

"What are you laughing at?" he asked, his voice husky, quiet, but still echoing in the dark room.

He lay on his bare stomach, between her legs, his chin resting just above her belly button, his fingers tracing lazy circles on her flustered skin. She lay below him, on her back, her fingers running through his hair.

"Nothing" she said, unable to wipe the grin off of her face.

Her room was dark and quiet, not surprising since it was the middle of the night. The small reading lamp on her nightstand flooded the bed with stark light, their bodies still glistening with sweat.

"Spill" he demanded, smirking.

"Nothing, it's just amusing how little time it took for you to work up the guts to sneak into my room again" she said suggestively.

He chuckled.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures" he reasoned.

"Desperate times?" she asked arching her eyebrows.

"Yeah. I haven't had sex with you in two days, I say that qualifies as desperate times" he explained then went back to his task of placing small, wet kisses on her stomach.

"Aww, poor baby" she teased.

He looked up and watched her, a small smile creeping on his face.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing" he teased.

"What?" she repeated.

"I like you smiling" he said simply.

It was pretty amazing. The fact that he could say something that made her heart skip a beat without it being sappy or cliched. But it also reminded her of the fact that her smiles were rare. Her expression became more serious as she realized the hidden meaning in his words.   
"And I like you naked" he added kissing her skin again, pulling her back from her grave thoughts.

She groaned suddenly being reminded of her exposed state. She grabbed the comforter to try to cover herself.

"No, no, no" he protested, his arms preventing her from achieving her goal "no need to do that"

She winced groaning again.

"You're beautiful" he whispered, barely audible.

"And you're delusional" she sighed.

He chuckled again puling himself up and coming to rest on top of her, his face leveled with hers. He started kissing her neck.

"You're just fishing for compliments now" he murmured into her neck, his voice vibrating on her skin.

"I am not" she huffed.

"You want me to tell you you're gorgeous and mesmerising and sexy and ..."

"Nooo" she groaned covering her eyes with her hands.

"...magnificent and amazing. And I will probably tell you all that just to get into your pants" he went on, his voice low and husky, teasing.

"I think my pants are somewhere over there" she motioned vaguely towards the other end of the room where their clothes lay scattered.

He chuckled.

"Good point. Then I'll just tell you all that to get into you" he said licking her earlobe.

"Oooh, ambitious words from someone who just came what, 10 minutes ago?" she teased back.

"Oh, you'd be surprised" he said pulling himself up a little more and grinding his hips against hers letting her feel his already growing erection.

She gasped looking at him surprised, her eyes wide.

"Told you it was desperate times" he said chuckling, then kissing her.

"How is that even possible?" she laughed unbelieving.

"I'm seventeen, just hit my sexual prime" he explained with a well placed smirk.

"Is that so?" she asked, her grin present again.

He looked at her for a second smiling then brushed a strand of hair away from her face.

It made her realize it all felt perfect. For a second, her life felt perfect. It didn't matter she was unsure about her future, her life, herself in general. Nothing seemed to bother her.

There was a sudden creak from down the hall and they both looked towards the door unconsciously holding their breath. They heard a toilet flush and then footsteps grow fainter.

She let out the breath she was holding and he turned back concentrating on brushing the hair away from her neck back onto her pillow, his face suddenly weary.

"It sucks being a teenager, huh?" she said trying to make light of the situation.

He smiled a wry smile.

"I can't say I wouldn't like having you without worrying your dad hearing your screams" he said and she gasped, her eyes widening, her face blushing.

"I don't scream" she mouthed, her face a deep red.

"Yeah, unfortunately" he retorted.

She winced in embarrassment and felt him kiss her cheek.

"I'd love to make you scream, Rory Hayden Gilmore"

She covered her eyes again with her hands as he laughed at her discomfort.

"You make me do more than I thought I could already" she groaned.

He stared at her with eyes wide, his smirk growing.

"Really?" he said, his voice full of lust "how's that?"

She blushed again under his gaze, covering her eyes with her hands once again. She shrugged.

He narrowed his eyes looking at her questioning.

She squirmed, not wanting to elaborate, but his gaze stayed on her intent.

"I don't know" she started whispering, avoiding his gaze. She cleared her throat and went on, her voice low, cracking.

"I just never really... I don't know... I didn't know I could like... sex... so much"

She blushed again expecting an annoying comment. But looking up, his expression was serious, concerned even. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then changed his mind and kissed her forehead instead gently.

The silence settled over them and she couldn't help but think about how her life changed in the last couple of weeks. She discovered feelings, desires inside of herself she didn't know she had, simply because of the way he touched her. It was astonishing.

"What are you doing tomorrow night?" he asked, the transition seamless and she looked at him for a couple of seconds trying to grasp what he was asking him.

She shrugged, finally understanding the question.

"I don't know"

He sighed and winced, rubbing his face with one hand as if he was contemplating a decision in his head.

"Uhm... there's this party..." he started and Rory watched him as he cleared his throat "I... I sort of promised I'd go"

"Oh" she said, not knowing where he was going with this. The statement surprised her. She found it hard to imagine that he felt an obligation towards anyone concerning anything.

He went on, clearly in discomfort.

"Dave was going on and on about how I've been neglecting them" he explained.

"When did you see him?" she asked not remembering Dave mentioning anything about the party during their brief encounter.

"Uhm, Monday" he said looking at her, searching her eyes.

"Right" she said, remembering that weird day when he took off after their strange encounter with his sister.

She moved under him, suddenly feeling weird, exposed and uncomfortable. He let her slide out from under him grabbing the sheets to cover herself.

"I thought we could both go" he said eyeing her.

She stopped mid motion.

"Oh" was all she could manage.

He watched her, his face calm and she felt her heart rate pick up again. She loved the fact that he didn't seem to be insecure. He didn't ask whether she wanted to go or not, didn't explain himself. Just told her he'd like her there. And she felt herself agreeing without even thinking. Even though she didn't know these people and wasn't much of a party person, especially not lately.

"I'll just pick you up tomorrow" he said kissing her lightly and getting off the bed to dress.

"I'll have to ask" she said quietly and he looked at her as he pulled his pants up. He studied her face for a second then nodded, grabbing the rest of his clothes.

He came back over the bed and leaned in to kiss her again.

"Tell them I won't let you do drugs straight away" he said, his voice amused and she sighed thinking that her parents would probably not appreciate the joke.

She watched as he walked to the window and glanced back at her with a small smile before climbing out.

xxxxxxxxxxx

He had been standing in front of the house, leaning against the hood of his car for 5 minutes.

Lorelai watched from the living room through the window, with an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She took a deep breath and went to open the door, walking out into the porch watching him as he straightened himself seeing her.

"Hey" she said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Mrs. Hayden" he said, nodding with his head.

"I use my maiden name" she said, her voice indifferent.

"Ms. Gilmore" he said, his tone unchanged, his weight still resting against the car.

"You know, you can come in if you're picking her up to take her out" she said, an eyebrow arching.

He looked at her for a second as if contemplating his answer.

"Thank you, out here is okay" he answered and she swore she saw a trace of a smirk on his face.

She narrowed her eyes.

"I think you should come in though" she said, making her point clear "You know girls, takes them ages to get ready. Picking out the right top, putting on mascara"

"Yeah, I bet the mascara is tricky" he broke her off, his comment slightly cynical.

She arched an eyebrow again and opened the door waiting for him to come in.

He sighed looking around, but then obeyed her silent request, walking up the stairs and into the house.

He stopped inside and watched as she moved around him to go into the living room. He followed her with her eyes and saw Christopher holding a toddler in his arms.

His eyes widened for a second as he saw Tristan, then cleared his throat nervously taking a couple of seconds toward him as Lorelai came to stand beside him.

"Mr. Hayden" he said, greeting him, his face calm.

"Hello. Tristan, is it?" he asked, his voice obviously affected.

He nodded in return and glanced towards the stairs for a second.

"Come, sit down" Lorelai motioned towards the couch and Tristan obeyed yet again sighing.

"So. Where are you two crazy kids headed?" Lorelai asked cheerfully glancing between the two guys who were eyeing each other.

Tristan's lips moved to form a small smile.

"To a party in Hartford" he answered.

"Oooh. Gotta love Friday night parties. Best night for a party. I mean Saturday is good too, but Friday, Friday is the best. Except if Monday is a day off. Then Saturday is practically Friday" she rambled sensing the tension in the room.

Tristan smiled, his face calm.

"I gather there will be alcohol" Chris said, speaking for the first time and there was an awkward silence as he looked at Tristan intently.

Tristan couldn't help letting out a silent chuckle as he looked around the room.

"Yeah, I gather" he answered, his face still indifferent, his gaze almost challenging.

"I hope you are aware Rory is only 17. And that you will have to drive her back home as well" he said, his face serious.

"Yes, sir, I am aware of both of those facts" he said, once again a hint of cynicism in his voice and Lorelai sighed as she felt Chris tense besides her. She placed a hand on his leg and he let out a breath he had been holding unconsciously.

He sighed.

"So, Tristan" he started again, obviously trying to stay civil "you do any sports?" he asked, desperate for a conversation topic.

"Ooh, nice one. Very Meet the Parents" Lorelai joked with mock seriousness and Chris glared at her.

Tristan just smiled.

"No sir, not particularly"

Chris nodded accepting.

"What about future plans? Any careers you're considering?" he tried again.

"Oh brother" Lorelai rolled her eyes.

"What is your problem?" Chris turned to her "I'm just trying to have a decent conversation"

"By intimidating him and asking him about what he is gonna do for work?" she scoffed.

"It's a topic" he insisted.

"He's 17, Chris"

"Well, Rory knows what she wants to do"

"Rory knew when she was 2, that doesn't mean all kids know"

"Well, excuse me for trying to play nice" he said offended.

"Play nice? You are two sentences away from 'So son, what are your intentions with my daughter?'" she shot back.

"Oh please" he said rising from his seat rocking Matt who was stirring in his sleep thanks to the argument.

"Hi. What's going on?" Rory spoke as three heads darted in her direction. She stood there, her face bewildered at the sight that welcomed her in the living room.

Tristan sighed slightly relieved and got up to walk towards the front door grabbing her hand as he passed her.

"We should go" he said simply and opened the door "Have a good night" he added glancing back at Lorelai and Chris.

Rory just let him drag her speechless, not understanding.

"Alright, be careful. And bring her home by midnight" They heard Christopher's voice calling after them as they walked down the stairs and out towards his car.

"Oh for god's sakes. Stay as long as you want, just call around eleven to let us know when you'll be home" Lorelai corrected him.

"Are you crazy?" they heard Chris whisper.

"Get your ass inside, Robert DeNiro" she replied.

They heard the door close as they got inside the car.

"How long have you been in there?" Rory asked him still surprised.

"Too long?" he smirked as he started his car, pulling out of the driveway.

"God, I'm sorry" she winced, imagining the conversation he must have had "was my mom crazy?"

"I believe 'cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs' is the technical term" he answered as he turned a corner, leaving her street behind.

She groaned burying her face in her hands.

"And dad?" she asked worried peeking through her fingers.

He sighed.

"It was fine Rory" he said, reassuring her "reminded me of why I don't date, but fine" he laughed.

"I'm sorry" she whispered genuinely concerned.

He suddenly stopped the car, the tires screeching slightly and pulled her in to kiss her passionately, taking her by surprise.

"It's all worth it" he murmured as he pulled away, smirking, letting her fall back into her seat as he put the car into gear again.

She chuckled and watched him from her seat, realizing how hot he looked. He was wearing a thin black sweater, a brown jacket and faded jeans, his hair as messy as ever. He let his elbow rest on the window that was rolled down despite the chilly night air rushing in.

It was already dark outside.

"What?" he glanced at her and she realized she's been staring at him for minutes.

"Nothing" she bit her lip to keep from smiling, her voice innocent.

He broke into a grin.

"What?" he repeated, smiling.

"You look good" she said simply and he looked at her, his eyebrow arching.

"Yeah?" he teased.

"Yeah" she repeated confident and she moved over to his side lifting her leg to come to rest in his lap, straddling him.

The sudden movement and the fact that she blocked his view surprised him and the car stirred to the right, the tires making an unpleasant sound as they went off the pavement.

"Rory" he exclaimed shocked.

He jerked the wheel back and moved her slightly to be able to see the road.

He glanced at the rear view mirror nervously checking for cars, but luckily they were already outside of Stars Hollow, the road empty.

"What are you doing?" he laughed and groaned as she started kissing his neck.

Her hands moved down his chest and she ground her hips into him.

"Okay, I am pretty sure your dad is gonna kill me if I crash into a tree because of this" he groaned trying to keep his eyes open.

"I've missed you" she purred into his ears and he let out a shaky breath.

"Yeah?" he asked breathless, his hands gripping the wheel as she ground her hips into his once again.

"Yeah" she replied and licked his earlobe, making him moan.

"You're gonna get us killed" he whispered, his voice husky.

She stopped her ministrations and moved away slightly to look at him.

He sighed part relieved to be able to focus on the road more and part frustrated at the loss of touch.

She looked at him with the same mysterious smile she was looking at him before.

"What?" he asked again, more impatient, not being able to hide the fact he was turned on.

"So what makes a sloppy blow job?" she asked calmly.

"What?" he asked, not understanding where that question came from.

"You said someone was giving you a sloppy blow job when you first saw me. I was just wondering what makes a blow job sloppy?" she asked teasing, her voice low, flirtatious.

His breath caught in his chest as he processed her words and he glanced at the rear view mirror again nervously.

Rory leaned in closer to his face again and felt his breathing become shallow as he opened his mouth to speak as if trying to form a coherent sentence. He laughed slightly, disbelieving and groaned.

"So?" she urged him, teasing.

"I don't know" he laughed, incredulous.

"Oh come on" she purred again, her voice making him sigh and beads of sweat forming on his forehead.

"Uhm... I don't know... I guess... haste? And flurry... and uhm... the lack of a good grip" he mumbled perplexed, but winced realizing he was actually answering her "seriously, are you nuts?"

"No, just curious" she murmured into his ear and made him hiss as she started to unbuckle his belt.

"Rory" he called her name breathless as he tried to keep his eyes open.

"Hmmm?" she hummed as she loosened his jeans and reached inside his boxers grabbing his rapidly growing erection.

He cursed, dropping his head back.

She moved off of him, getting back into her seat, giving him a moment's time to try to regain his composure.

All that was worthless though when the next second he felt her lean over his crotch and her hands wrapping around his rock hard member gently massaging it.

He gripped the wheel with both hands now, trying to keep the car on the road.

"So a good grip is crucial?" she mused as she squeezed him, making him gasp and moan.

He cursed again as he felt her hot lips going around him.

The car came to a screeching halt on the side of the road.

"You are insane" he exhaled his head dropping back and his eyes closing.

She sucked on him gently, then started moving her hand up and down on his erection, squeezing slightly with every stroke as she licked the tip.

He cursed again and moaned, his body tensing and his hips thrusting involuntarily into her mouth.

She quickened her movements and sucked on him harder as his hands came to rest on the back of her head.

She felt him sigh frustrated, as his hands tightened, then loosened their hold helplessly.

It turned her on, the fact that she was in control, that he lay at her mercy and he was so helplessly powerless.

She sucked harder, moaning, the vibrations making him cry out in pleasure. She felt him lose control and he thrust into her mouth panting her name. She felt him cum, and the sudden sensation of her mouth filling up with his tart taste made her eyes snap open. He cursed out loud, his whole body shaking and he moaned as she swallowed and sucked gently. She sat up to look at him, her hand going up to touch her lips, numb and tingling.

She watched him bewildered as he sat in the driver's seat, his hands going up to his head, his fingers running through his hair, his eyes shut tight and his breathing still erratic.

She felt exhilarated. Powerful. Incredible.

She's never done that. Well, she's done it with Dean and it always felt weird, uncomfortable. She remembered him being embarrassed and pulling out of her mouth every time just before he came, as though he felt guilty somehow.

He was so different. Non apologetic and confident. It turned her on to no end.

She looked at him curious, watching as he slowly regained control of his expression, his breathing, his body.

He opened his eyes, still clouded, icy blue. He stared at her, his chest still heaving.

He reached out, grabbing her arm and pulling her close. She obeyed, falling against his chest and he hugged her, inhaling the smell of her hair.

"You are insane" he whispered and she noticed his fingers trembling slightly.

"Sloppy?" she asked amused.

He scoffed groaning as he closed his eyes, still exhausted.

He just laughed murmuring.

"In-fucking-sane"


	14. You're no problem at all

Rory walked through the house that was crammed with teenagers ranging from slightly tipsy to extremely drunk. It was certainly an interesting party. She's never been to any quite like that. Stars Hollow's parties were pretty mild and the couple she's gone to that were thrown by the Chilton classmates were all very snobby.

This one was a real teenager party. With people crammed into the kitchen, a band playing in the living room, kids collapsing on top of each other on the couch, and couples leaning against the walls on the stairs or disappearing into rooms.

She'd just waited about 20 minutes to get into the bathroom which actually had a boy throwing up blissfully into the toilet. She decided she didn't have to go that bad after all. She was now walking through the rooms looking for Tristan. They parted when she decided to listen to the band that was playing in the living room and he said he would go outside to hang with some guys.

She stepped into the kitchen where a loud crowd was cheering and howling around a beer keg.

She walked towards the door and stepped outside into the back yard where a couple of guys were standing around.

"Hey you" she heard his voice and noticed him standing there dropping his cigarette on the ground and putting it out. He had a half empty beer bottle in the other hand.

She smiled shyly and walked up to him seeing him extend a hand signaling her to join him. She leaned into him and he put his arm around her shoulder pulling her close and kissing the top of her head.

"Well, I never thought I'd see that. Tristan smiling" one of the guys said amused and Rory recognised him as Dave, the guy she'd met at the diner.

Tristan chuckled lightly.

"Smiling? When he walked in, he had a friggin' grin on his face, dude" another guy chimed in.

"Did I now?" Tristan asked amused. "Wonder why?" he whispered into Rory's ear and she blushed slightly.

Rory looked around the circle of boys with beer bottles and lit up cigarettes. They seemed a lot less intimidating than the first time she saw them at the parking lot in Hartford.

One of them was enthusiastically reenacting a story for the others, and Rory noticed he stuttered a little. She smiled listening to the red haired kid explain how he got into trouble the other day at school.

"That's Tom" Tristan whispered pointing towards him with a smile on his face, amused by the way he was telling his story. Rory watched him and smiled at the fact that he seemed to fit in with these kids a lot more than the crowd at Chilton.

Tristan noticed her looking and he pulled her away from the group slightly.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah" she said.

"You wanna go?" he went on.

"No. No, why?" she asked.

"You don't know anyone here" he answered.

"I know you" she said arching an eyebrow.

"Really? So we've met before?" he said playing along.

"Yes, I think so. You seem awfully familiar. Is there any chance I met you in a car earlier?" She smiled as he groaned remembering their trip here.

"Seriously, just tell me when you want to get going" he said changing his tone "if I remember correctly I still have some debt to pay off" he murmured into her ear and she blushed again.

"It's okay. You have fun, they seem happy to have you" she said not wanting to take him away from them.

The truth was she did feel a bit awkward. Obviously she didn't know anyone here. Plus crowds nowadays made her feel left out anyways. She felt like she should be one of them, enjoying herself, fitting in, but she couldn't quite manage.

He narrowed his eyes watching her expression change.

"C'mon, let's go" he whispered and pulled her towards the door to the house.

Rory opened her mouth to protest but he was already ahead, pulling her by the hand looking back at her.

He bumped into someone coming out of the house and he turned to see who it was.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Tristan DuGrey" the girl said in an amused voice and Tristan seemed to freeze and tense up.

Rory looked at him curiously and was surprised to see him let her hand go suddenly.

"Jen" he said, his face suddenly serious, indifferent.

"Long time no see" the girl said, her voice low, her eyes travelling down on his body shamelessly.

"Yeah" he replied, and his voice seemed cold, distant.

"You look good" she went on extending a hand to touch him lightly on his chest and Rory narrowed her eyes instinctively.

The girl was a tall brunette, with hazel eyes. She was wearing a black top, with a plunging neckline and Rory couldn't help but notice her perfect figure and her confident demeanour. She smiled, but at the same time there was something in her gaze, as if she were challenging him and reproaching him too.

"Thanks" he replied, still without any emotions.

"This is were you tell me I look stunning as well" she said, a seductive smile appearing on her face.

"I don't think you're starving for compliments yet, Jen" he replied, his voice ever the same.

She chuckled lightly and stepped closer to him.

"I'm starving for anything coming from you" she said, her voice seductive and her hands sliding up on his chest to his neck.

He grabbed her hands to stop her, his face slightly annoyed.

Rory watched flabbergasted as the scene unfolded up till now, but she suddenly felt sick standing there. Sick because this girl had obviously known him intimately and sick because she seemed to be so confident and attractive. And finally sick, because he seemed to have forgotten about her for a second even though he was obviously not enthusiastic about the interaction with this girl.

She figured she'd had enough and she started walking towards the door leaving them standing there.

"Rory" she heard him call out frustrated "Rory, wait" but she kept walking suddenly sick of everything, the party, her, him, herself.

She walked through the kitchen and into the living room, where she was slowed down by the crowd. She felt his hand on her arms as he turned her to face him. She obeyed reluctantly.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked.

She scoffed arching an eyebrow.

"You have gotta be kidding me" he said rolling his eyes annoyed "This is about her?"

"Yeah, this is about her" she heard herself say and was astonished by her own words.

She sounded silly, and felt embarrassed. She turned around to walk towards the door pushing people out of her way but felt him grab her again stronger and pulling her back.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Home" she replied in a huff.

"Home?" he asked amused "How exactly?"

"I don't know. Walk" she said frustrated and turned away again only to be jerked back, this time more aggressive.

"What did I do exactly?" he asked, his eyes shooting sparks and his face annoyed.

"Nothing" she yelled at him, but the music and the noise around them made it seem like a whisper.

He looked around cursing and grabbed her hand as he turned towards the stairs.

She was so taken aback that she didn't have a chance to protest and she felt herself being dragged up the stairs and down a barely lit hallway. He walked down the hallway, obviously familiar with the place and turning a corner he opened a door and pulled her into a room shutting the door behind them. It was a small bedroom and Rory looked around surprised at the fact that there wasn't a couple making out on the bed.

Tristan was glaring at her, his hands going up to his hair.

"Care to explain?" he spat.

She just stared at him, her brows furrowed not knowing what to say.

"Why are you acting all jealous?" he asked.

"I am not acting jealous" she retorted.

He laughed bewildered.

She glared at him as if waiting for him to say something.

He scoffed glancing around.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Rory"

"You slept with her?" she asked.

"Yes" he replied, his voice cold.

"More than once?" she went on.

"Yes. So what?" he asked annoyed.

"So you two were together?" she asked crossing her arms.

"Yeah, I guess we were for a while" he answered.

"I thought you didn't have long term relationships" she spat.

"I wouldn't call it a long term relationship, Rory, we fucked around then fought, then fucked around some more" he replied.

"So it was just sex?" Rory said unbelieving.

He scoffed again, his eyes rolling.

"I don't know what it was Rory, she was there and willing when I wanted"

"You just fucked her to make yourself feel better then?" she asked.

"Yeah, you know exactly how that goes, don't you?" he retorted cynically and she glared at him.

He sighed.

"What does it matter anyway? I haven't even seen her for months" he said, his voice suddenly tired.

"Well, she certainly seemed eager to rekindle the romance" she said.

"Who the hell cares?" he asked annoyed.

"I do" she spat and he looked at her shocked.

"You said those girls didn't mean a thing" she said accusing, but more quiet, her eyes reflecting hurt.

"I said most of them didn't mean a thing" he answered calmly.

"Oh, so she did?"

He sighed again.

"You know, you are a natural born journalist, you are already twisting my words around" he said and she glared at him again.

He ran his hand through his hair again and took a deep breath.

"What does it matter, Rory? What does it matter if I fucked her for whatever reason? Yeah, I did, I fucked a lot of girls. What does it matter if some of them even meant something? It doesn't change a thing. The only reason they might be important is because of the fact that they made me who I am today, and lead me here. So if I was good enough for you when you met me and good enough before you saw her, then I don't know what changed" his words were cold and calm and seemed to make sense when he spoke them.

She suddenly felt weak and tired. She felt her legs give way under her and she slumped back onto the bed.

He sighed walking up to her and crouched down in front of her to look up into her face.

"What?" he whispered.

"She's beautiful. And confident. And balanced" she said, her voice small.

He exhaled, a smile creeping to his face.

"So what?" he whispered.

She sighed frustrated.

"Why are you with me?" she suddenly asked looking into his eyes.

His smile lingered on.

"I find myself asking that more and more" he answered.

She groaned burying her face in her hands and he moved to sit next to her on the bed.

"You know how bad I am at talking about this" he started, his voice barely above a whisper "it's like waking up from a dream, I don't know how I got there, but I am and I can't tear myself away" he paused then leaned closer to whisper in her ears as her breath caught in her chest.

"You...are...you're..." he paused again inhaling her smell and sighed frustrated "You drive me fucking mad. You are crazy and you have violent mood swings and you lash out on me and get confused about something every two seconds and I can't follow half of the time and I curse myself for wanting to make this work… but… I do… for some reason I do"

She looked at him, seeing him shut his eyes and wince. She slowly moved her face closer brushing her lips against his and she felt him sigh and kiss her back.

"Rory" he whispered as she kissed his cheeks, then neck.

"I'm sorry" she breathed between kisses and he groaned, pulling her in close.

They jumped as suddenly the door pushed open, a couple stumbling in.

"Ooops, this one's taken. Sorry" the guy laughed as he pushed the girl out slamming the door behind them.

Rory buried her face in his chest embarrassed.

"Let's get out of here" he whispered.

She looked up apologetically.

"I'm sorry I ruined it for you. We don't have to leave" she said.

He laughed.

"There is nothing to be ruined Rory, it's just a party" he looked at her amused.

She sighed.

"I don't fit in, do I?" she asked more form herself than him "it just feels so distant, so unfamiliar"

"You don't know any of these kids" he offered an explanation.

"It's not that" she said looking up into his eyes "I don't think it's that"

"Yeah" he said swallowing, dropping his gaze and she knew he understood. The fact that it wasn't about her not knowing these people, or her not being a party person. It was about her being stuck in a place from where everything did feel distant.

"It's just being a teenager, Rory" he shrugged "nothing ever feels entirely yours" he smiled symphatetically, his eyes concerned.

"Don't make it seem like you're a problem girl because of that" he added "you'll look back one day and all the days when you felt like your heart is so heavy it will kill you will just seem like another day you got through"

She looked up at him. She couldn't believe how incredible he was for knowing exactly what she was thinking. And saying exactly what she needed to hear to feel less lost. It made her realize maybe she wasn't that strange after all.

"C'mon" he said getting up and pulling her off the bed "let's get out of here"

She walked after him, once again overwhelmed by his presence and admiring the way he seemed so confident, so calm.

They walked down the stairs, and through the crowd, the party as lively as ever, music blasting from the huge stereos.

She suddenly felt him stop and watched surprised as he turned around with a huge grin on his face.

"Okay, we can't leave now" he laughed.

"What?"

"Don't stop believing? That's a brilliant song" he smirked.

Rory glanced around taking in his words and recognising the first notes of the song.

"Journey?" she chuckled "Seriously Tristan, Journey?"

"_Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, she took the midnight train going anywhere" _he sang along as the first line came on and her eyes widened.

"You have got to be kidding me" she laughed, looking around nervously.

"_Just a city boy, born and raised in south... Hartford" _he went on changing the lyrics and smiling a devilish smile as she buried her face in her hands "_he took the midnight train going anywhere"_

She peeked through her fingers but hid her face again as she saw him doing the air guitar.

"You are nuts" she cried.

"Oh, come on, I know you wanna" he laughed as he pulled her in and started swaying with her "you are not strange Rory Hayden Gilmore, you are one of us" he yelled laughing then sang along again at the top of his lungs "_for a smile they can share the night, it goes on and on and on and on"_

Rory looked at him wincing then laughed and joined in.

"_Strangers, waiting, up and down the boulevard..."_

"Alright!" Tristan exclaimed pulling her close.

She laughed and went on as half the room was singing along.

"_Streetlight people, living just to find emotion, hiding, somewhere in the night"_

She laughed hysterically as he spun her around and around and she realized she hadn't felt that free and exhilarated for as long as she could remember. She had a faint recognition that this moment would indeed always be remembered by her as the epitome of being young and free and lost and happy at the same time.

"_Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues..." _she warbled as he pulled her close again shaking from laughter.

"I love you" he whispered in her ear and she smiled into his chest, holding him close as he swayed slow, out of rhythm with the music.

"_Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling_" the crowd sang around them and she just stood there clinging to him.


	15. Sweetest taboo

She stumbled on the front steps and laughed hysterically.

Tristan hushed her as he was trying to support her weight, her arm around his neck.

"Baby, listen, we gotta be quiet, okay? You understand?" he whispered, but he couldn't hide his grin seeing Rory, her face happily flushed, her eyes sparkling from being slightly tipsy.

"Ooooh, I understand. You don't wanna wake daddy" she said in a singsong voice and he laughed.

"Yeah, we definitely don't wanna wake daddy" he chuckled as he pulled her up the porch.

"You able to go upstairs?" he asked quietly.

"Oh, you're coming upstairs too!" she protested and he covered her mouth with his hand to quiet her.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Rory" he smiled.

"Why not?" she mumbled, his hand still on her mouth.

"Do we not remember what happened last weekend?" he chuckled.

"Hmmmm. Last weekend... laaaaast weekend" she said pretending to be pondering really hard "we had sex?"

"Yes and what else?" he asked amused.

"We had orgasms?" she went on.

He couldn't help but chuckle. She moved in kissing his neck gently.

"Rory" he groaned "you've had a bit to drink, you can't think straight, now imagine your father's face if he finds us having sex while his daughter is singing Journey"

"I'll sing reaalllly quietly" she answered, her hips grinding against his suggestively.

He laughed.

She moaned into his ear, licking his earlobe and he hissed closing his eyes.

"I am so gonna regret this" he mumbled and pushed her through the door.

She squeeled, her arms going around his neck and he raised his finger to his mouth to make her stay quiet.

"Okay" she whispered happily and he laughed again.

He went ahead, pulling her up the stairs, his steps careful, quiet. She stumbled after him.

He opened the door to her room and motioned her in while he looked around and walked in after her, making sure to lock the door.

He was turned around to be pressed against the door by Rory and she kissed him hard. He groaned and she pulled away, her arms keeping him pinned against the door.

"You won't be sorry you came" she purred and he couldn't help but smile at her attempts at being seductive while drunk.

"Maybe you should lie down, Ror" he said gently taking a step forward but was slammed back against the door as she arched an eyebrow.

"What's the rush?" she asked.

He chuckled again.

"You get a bit aggressive when you're drunk, don't you?" he asked.

"I'm not drunk" she protested "See?" she added taking a finger and touching it to her nose several times with varying accuracy.

He laughed again.

"Okay" he said, agreeing.

"No, really, all I had was two of those little jello thingies" she said, her eyes wide.

"Apparently, it was enough" he mused.

"You keep being mean, and you won't be getting lucky tonight, mister!" she pouted.

He chuckled again.

"But if you'll be nice..." she said, her voice suddenly husky as she started to unbutton her black shirt "you'll get a show"

Tristan's jaws opened slightly and he swallowed watching her every move.

She turned around looking back at him as she finished unbuttoning her shirt and let it drop slightly revealing her shoulders for him to see.

She heard him exhale and she smiled letting the shirt drop down to the floor. Her head was suddenly a lot clearer, as though her arousal had rid her system of the alcohol circulating. She loved seeing him affected, loved that she could surprise him. And she was still not sober enough to be very self conscious. So she swayed her body to some imaginary music and let him watch her.

She turned around letting him see her in her black bra. He was staring at her wordless and licked his lower lip as he followed her movements with his eyes.

"So, you'll be nice?" she asked smiling.

"I'll..." his voice cracked and he cleared his throat "I'll be nice" he repeated, his breathing becoming more shallow.

She reached back to unclasp her bra and she turned around again, away from him as she removed it, teasing him, not letting him see her.

She smiled as she threw her bra to the floor and turned her head back to look at him again.

She gasped as she realized he was already standing behind her, his body inches away from hers. She inhaled sharply as she felt his hands move up her arms and then embrace her, pulling her back against his chest, his mouth going to her shoulder. She sighed, dropping her head back and closing her eyes, as his hands moved over to her stomach and up to her breasts.

He turned her around to face him and she let him, seeing his eyes clouded with want. He backed her against her bed, laying her down gently and he moved to lay on top of her. She relaxed as she felt him kiss her neck, then move down, his lips finding her nipple to suck on it gently.

His hand went to her other breast massaging it and she moaned enjoying his touch. He moved further down, kissing her stomach and then reaching the hem of her jeans. He unbuttoned them and tugged at them gently. She raised her hips in response, letting him pull them off of her, taking her panties and socks with them as well.

She was now laying naked on her bed, enjoying the cool air against her hot skin. She closed her eyes anticipating his touch. She heard him remove his jacket and sweater, then unbuckling his pants and she smiled sensing the rush in his movements. She heard him open a packet, then roll the condom on to himself. A moment later she felt his bare skin against hers and she smiled again as he buried his face in the crook of her neck kissing her again as his erection pressed against her legs.

Her hands went around his neck, moving down to caress his back and she parted her legs slightly making him moan.

She opened her eyes and lifted his head to kiss him again, parting her lips and darting her tongue into his mouth. He moaned again, increasing the intensity of their kiss and his erection pressed against her center ready to enter her.

She pulled away suddenly and he looked at her panting hard. She looked at his face, full of desire, his eyes swirling. He stared at her for a second, then moved his hips pushing against her again. She shifted her hips slightly preventing him from sliding into her and she smiled teasing.

He looked at her questioning, panting hard, his desire burning him up.

"What?" he whispered, his eyes questioning.

She smiled again then moved to whisper in his ear.

"Say it again" she whispered.

He narrowed his eyes as if trying to understand what she'd just said then a trace of recognition flashed through his face and he closed his eyes sighing.

"Rory" he groaned, pressing his hips against her again.

She refused again and he groaned frustrated.

"Say it" she whispered again, smiling into his ear.

He sighed, then kissed her face gently.

"I... love you" he breathed into her ear and she closed her eyes happily feeling him slip into her.

She moaned and pulled him closer, her heart racing and her chest rising and falling heavily.

"I love you" he moaned into her ear, thrusting into her again, deeper with every thrust.

She felt herself melt in his arms, her legs going around his waist and her hips meeting his movements to increase the pressure. They moved in unison, their bodies already used to each other, their passion fueling their desire.

His hands brushed the hair back from her face and he repeated his confession mumbling, his voice feverish. She felt herself floating higher and higher, the sound of his voice and the feelings inside of her all melting into one mind numbing state of pleasure.

She came in his arms, her body jerking, moaning his name and he followed her, his body tensing and his cries muffled as he buried his face in her hair.

She panted hard, her senses slowly returning to normal. She felt his weight on her, his warm skin pressed against her and she sighed, feeling content. She opened her eyes and stirred, seeing him lift himself to support his weight on his arms.

He groaned slightly as he pulled out from her and came to lay on his back, resting next to her, his breathing still labored.

She turned on her side to look at him, her fingers drawing lazy circles on his chest and he closed his eyes relaxing under her touch.

"Aren't you glad you came upstairs?" she asked teasing and watched as he smiled, his eyes still closed.

"You are good at persuasion" he replied.

"I don't see you complaining" she retorted.

"Oh no, no complaints" he smiled and put his arm around her, pulling her close, letting her head rest on his chest.

"So you're saying I satisfy you?" she teased him, the alcohol obviously still having an effect on her.

He opened one eye peeking down on her and smirking.

"Hmmm let me think. You get kinky in my car, turn me on while we're slow dancing, strip in your room, then have sex with me... yeah, you satisfy me" he answered.

She blushed, hearing him sum up her actions. She studied his face. He was laying there, his eyes closed, his face calm.

"Am I..." she trailed off.

He opened his eyes trying to figure out what she was going to ask.

"What?" he asked, furrowing his brows.

She cleared her throat, suddenly nervous.

"Am I good?" she blurted out.

His mouth opened slightly surprised, then he smiled at her incredulous.

"What?" he asked unbelieving.

She blushed again dropping her gaze. Up to this point she's never thought about it, but suddenly she'd realized how inexperienced she was compared to him.

"Am I good in bed?" she repeated her question, still not looking up.

He stared at her still shocked.

"Are you kidding me? Do you see me when we have sex, Rory?" he laughed.

She buried her face in his chest.

"Hey. Where is this coming from?" he asked her trying to understand.

"I don't know" she groaned "I am not really... experienced"

He chuckled.

"So you're a natural talent then"

She looked up at him, her face serious.

"If you had to compare me to the other girls..." she started but he cut her off.

"I don't have to do that" he groaned frustrated staring up at the ceiling.

"I just want to know..." she tried again, but was once again cut off.

"You are nuts Rory, you are incredible in bed and that's that"

She remained quiet for a minute, her mind not able to leave the topic.

"So what was the most incredible sex you had?" she asked.

He laughed incredulous.

"You have gotta be kidding me" he said.

"What? I am just curious" she explained.

"You are crazy" he retorted.

"Just tell me" she said simply.

"I.. I don't know" he groaned.

"You don't know?"

"Rory" he groaned "you really want me talk about my sexual behaviour?"

"Yeah" she answered bluntly.

"Why?" he asked bewildered.

"I don't know. I am interested... I... it's just been weird, since I'm with you, sex just seems more... important, I don't know. I am more interested and ... enjoying it more... and doing different things... and I wonder, why that is" she rambled.

"Because we are good together" he said amused.

She looked at him not understanding.

"We just... we click... and every time is freaking amazing and you turn me on incredibly" he moaned pulling her close again "it's different" he went on, his voice dropping to a whisper "it's different from how it is with others..." he said frustrated as if not being able to express himself.

She listened knowing what he meant. It was pretty incredible to grasp. Even their first couple of times, when they hardly knew each other, have been incredible and since then, it seemed like they have learned each other.

She sighed.

"Rory" he said, his voice suddenly serious "you don't... you know, you don't have to worry about those girls" he said.

"Why not?" she asked, her voice small, her breath caught in her chest.

"You just don't" he said.

She rolled on top of him lifting her face to look him in the eye.

"Why not?" she repeated as he sighed frustrated.

"Because I'm with you" he said simply.

She liked how he said things like that. Like it was some obvious statement, that would explain everything. It probably did too. He didn't tell her romantic declarations, he struggled to get out some of the most simple statements. Yet they seemed to mean more than any grand gesture.

She smiled.

"So you like me kinky in the car?" she said teasing, changing the subject.

"Yeah, I definitely do" he laughed.

"Never had that before?" she asked.

"No. I have to say, even with that being such a cliche, I have never had that before" he said.

She chuckled.

"What about you? You ever done that?" he asked amused "Is that a trademark Rory Hayden thing?"

"Nooo" she protested covering her face blushing.

"Because it seemed like you are quite the expert" he teased on.

She laughed and he kissed her forehead gently.

"You are crazy" he whispered.

She shrugged.

"You seem to like it" she smiled.

"God knows why" he smirked.

She rested her face on his chest again.

"So then what was the most unusual sex you've had?" she asked.

He groaned again rolling his eyes.

"Rory! Seriously, stop with the questions, okay?"

"What? I am just asking innocent questions. Reporter's trait" she mused.

"I don't know" he said still frustrated.

"Back of a car? Pool? Leaning against a tree? Or..."

"In church" he said and her head shot up, her eyes widening.

He winced.

"You had to ask, didn't you?" he sighed.

"Oh my god" she said, completely shocked.

"Hmmm, that's exactly what she said" he pondered and she slapped him on his chest.

"You are so bad" she went on.

He sighed.

"Yeah, well, yeah"

"Where else?" she asked, her voice still in shock.

"Rory" he groaned.

"No, I want to know" she protested.

"I don't know. Supermarket, playground, hiking trail" he mumbled, obviously embarrassed.

"Seriously, you have been pretty busy, huh?" she asked smirking.

"I was a stupid horny teenager, Rory" he groaned frustrated.

"Yeah, so what are you now exactly?" she asked amused.

"I am a slightly less stupid horny teenager" he laughed.

"So wait, do you even get excited in a bed anymore?" she asked bewildered.

"Rory, those things... those times weren't because of adventure, but rather because of a lack of a room. To tell you the truth, I would rather have a comfortable bed and a door with a lock, but being a teenager, you gotta be resourceful" he chuckled and she couldn't help but smile.

"You're really something" she said.

He pulled her in close, inhaling her smell.

"Hey. I have a proposition" he said quietly.

She looked at him questioning.

"No more crazy questions tonight, okay?" he said smiling and she chuckled.

"Okay" she mouthed.

He kissed her holding her close.

"Thank you"

"But then what do we do?" she asked with mock wonder.

He chuckled.

"We kiss, we have sex, we sleep some and then I slip out before your father catches us again" he smiled.

"Sounds like a plan" she said as she buried her face in his chest once again and relaxed into his hold.


	16. Careful what you wish for

She was sitting at her desk in her bedroom writing some work for school, humming quietly.

"Wow. Journey? What, the party was in 1983?" she heard her mom ask amused and she realized she's been humming that song all day unconsciously. She blushed slightly and watched as her mom walked into her room, seating herself on the bed.

"You had fun?" she added.

"Yeah" she said then smiled lightly remembering last night.

"Tristan seems like a nice guy" Lorelai continued and Rory arched an eyebrow suspiciously.

"You really think that?" she asked.

"Yeah, of course, I mean we didn't have a chance to talk much, because you came down pretty quickly, plus he is not exactly Sir Talk-a-lot and also because your dad had him in a headlock for most of the time we were trying to have a conversation, but yeah, he seemed nice" she rambled.

Rory smiled uneasy.

"Plus, I can't remember the last time I saw you smile" Lorelai went on, her voice suddenly hurt, concerned.

Rory's head shot up and her smile vanished. She felt like it was an accusation, even though it obviously wasn't. She looked down again, staring at a spot on the ground.

Lorelai sighed.

"Sweetie, I'm just glad you are happy... If you are happy" she said uncertain.

Rory kept staring at the spot on the floor.

"Are you...? Happy?" she went on.

Rory sighed closing her eyes. The questions were all too hard for her to even start to process.

"I don't know" she said, her voice small "I mean... Sometimes it feels like everything is great, really great, but then sometimes I just feel so... empty" she sighed frustrated, discarding her train of thought "This doesn't even make sense, does it?"

"Oh yes, it does, it definitely does" Lorelai quickly said "I mean, that's okay Rory, it's okay to feel like that"

Rory sighed again. She shrugged, trying to discard the questions, her feelings, everything. She forced a smile on her face.

"It's fine, mom, really"

Lorelai sighed disappointed but quickly forced a smile to match Rory's as she rose, getting off of her bed.

"Alright, I'll let you study, don't wanna keep you away from rocket science or macromolecular biology or whatever those freaks are teaching you nowadays" she said walking out "Don't forget your grandparents will be here in a couple of hours for dinner. So get ready for an even wilder party tonight" she added, her voice sarcastic.

Rory nodded and sighed as she heard the door shut behind Lorelai.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"You should build a house here" she said, her voice passionate and she glanced at him for a minute, her eyes sparkling.

He smirked in return as she sat on a log watching her stand by the edge of the water.

"You could design a house and then you could build it here, it would have such a cool view, and it would be so secluded" she went on enthusiastic.

"You'd like that?" he asked, his voice calm, quiet.

"I'd move in straight away!" she turned back, her hair blowing in the autumn wind.

He chuckled.

"When you'll be around 40 and already tired of working your ass off to satisfy all the people craving your excellent architectural skills, you can come back here and build yourself a house and rest" she went on laughing.

"You're really set on this architect storyline, aren't you?" he smirked taking out a cigarette and lighting it.

She shrugged turning back to look out onto the lake.

"I think you'd make a good architect" she said quietly and turned back towards him walking up to sit next to him on the log. He shifted slightly to give her room to sit down and she settled in next to him, their bodies touching as they stared out onto the lake.

"I think you're overly confident in my abilities based on one drawing" he chuckled as he took a drag form his cigarette.

She looked at him, concentrating on his face.

"Why aren't you?" she asked.

He chuckled again taking another drag.

"I don't know. I don't even know if I would like doing it" he said.

"How come?" she asked, her voice quiet.

"I don't know, it just seems so... serious, so responsible... that type of work"

She smiled.

"You don't want to do it, because it's responsible work?" she asked.

He sighed.

"Twisting my words again" he said cynically.

She laughed.

"What about you? Why journalism?" he asked nudging her slightly with his side.

She smiled.

"I just love to read. And write. And it's exciting, I guess" she explained.

"Exciting?" he asked.

"Yeah. Working on a story, covering a lead, traveling to uncover facts, digging for information on completely random subjects" she explained.

"You make it sound so romantic" he said.

"Well, it is, isn't it?" she asked.

"I don't know. I think that's a pretty optimistic way of looking at it. I mean, it's probably not like that when you start out. Someone has to write the obituaries too, right?"

"Well, that's understandable. You don't start out writing front page articles for the New York Times, but there is surely progress"

He smiled and blew the smoke out.

"Yeah, probably"

She looked at him again.

"You think I am childish for wanting to do this?" she asked.

He looked at her surprised.

"No. No, it's just... I don't know. It strange to me, the fact that someone decides what they want to do when they are small and stick to that dream. To me, it changes everyday, what I want to do, how I want to live my life" he said, then sighed "Rory, if your want to do this. If this is really what you want and how you want it, don't let anybody change your mind" he said turning to her and pausing. He studied her face for a second and then opened his mouth to speak again.

"But if it's something you got stuck with because everybody thought it was a cute thing for a 4 year old to decide to become a journalist and then work for her whole life to reach that, then it's not right"

She looked at him, her face weary. She couldn't tell how it was anymore. Whether she wanted it or just thought she wanted it. She took a deep breath.

"How come you smoke?" she suddenly said, her tone different.

Tristan narrowed his eyes looking at her, as if trying to figure out the reason for the sudden change of topic. He looked at the cigarette in his hand, then slowly lifted it to his mouth, taking another drag.

He shrugged blowing out the smoke.

"I don't know"

"Why do you do it?" she asked.

He chuckled.

"I don't think there is a specific reason"

She turned back to look out onto the lake.

"You don't like it?" he asked.

It was her turn to shrug.

"Does it matter if I don't?" she asked.

"I can try to not smoke around you if it bothers you" he replied, his voice indifferent.

"Would you not smoke at all, if it bothered me?" she asked turning to him again.

He narrowed his eyes again, a smirk on his lips.

"Are you telling me to stop smoking?" he asked.

"Maybe" she shrugged again looking away.

He took a last drag, then dropped the cigarette on the ground, putting it out with his foot. Then with one swift motion grabbed her hand and guided her to sit in his lap straddling him. His hands went around her waist pulling her close and his face came to stop inches away from hers. She gasped by his sudden actions.

"If you want me to do something, Rory, go ahead and say it" he said, his voice low, husky, his smirk in place.  
Rory squirmed uncomfortably in his lap.

He moved closer to whisper in her ear and place small kisses on her cheek in between words.

"You have to voice your feelings. And your desires"

Rory's breathing became shallow as she concentrated on his words, her heart racing.

"So?" he asked, licking her earlobe.

"I..." she started but trailed off.

"You?" he asked, his smile growing and it made her feel more uncomfortable by the minute.

She sighed frustrated and pushed him away, standing up.

"I don't care if you smoke or not" she said taking a couple of steps towards the lake and staring at the small waves created by the light wind blowing towards the shore.

He got up to walk up to her and placed his arms around her waist pulling her back against his chest.

"Good, because I don't like people telling me what to do" he chuckled.

"Is that why you avoid your father?" she asked, her tone unchanged.

She felt him stiffen behind her. It was palpable, how the mood suddenly changed, she practically shivered feeling the cold. She felt him sigh, but he didn't release his hold on her.

"There is a lot of reasons I avoid my father" he said, his voice quiet.

She turned around to look at him, her arms resting against his chest as his arms went around her waist. He was staring out onto the lake, his face indifferent as always.

"What are them?" she asked.

He sighed again frustrated and cursed silently. She watched his face as he was struggling. She could tell. Obviously, this wasn't his favorite topic.

"I don't know. We have a hard time... communicating. He thinks I should be more responsible, more grown up. More like him"

"You're 17" she said, her voice small.

"He says he knew exactly what he wanted to do at 17 and worked hard for it, taking the opportunities that his family gave him. He thinks that I get handed everything but I toss it all aside, because I am lazy" he said, his voice cold, emotionless.

"Is that how it is?" she asked.

He looked at her furrowing his brows and it surprised her. She saw hint of hurt flash in his eyes.

"It depends on the point of view" he said then paused. he sighed again then went on.

"I know it must seem like that from his point of view. But I can't get him to see my side. I don't know if this life is what I want. Admirable profession, respected place in society, perfect family for a show. I want to find out for myself"

"Is that why you don't want to go to college?" she asked shyly.

"I didn't say I didn't want to go to college. Just not straight away. I think I have time, what's the rush? Why is everybody rushing?" he said looking into her eyes.

She dropped her gaze, not being able to stand his intense look.

"I don't know" she shrugged "it's just how it is"

"But why?" he asked passionately and smiled "Why do people think you can decide how your life is going to be when you've seen nothing, experienced nothing?"

She looked up at him again and smiled slightly seeing the passion in his eyes.

"So what's your plan?" she asked.

He looked up out into the lake, a smile on his face.

"I'm going to go work as a bartender for a while, get some money, then go backpacking through South America" he said randomly.  
She watched him smiling.

"Then if money runs out, I'll take some other job and if I get tired of it, I'll go somewhere else. And if I feel like it, I will apply for some college and sit my ass down and get a fucking degree and a fucking wife and a dog, and a Dodge Minivan to fit the kids in" he chuckled.  
She laughed.

"I can do it without them" he said looking at her again, his face suddenly serious "A million people do it without any support. I will work my way through college if they disown me by then. It doesn't matter. But I am not gonna do everything to their liking if it's not what I want"  
She dropped her gaze again, her fingers playing with his sweater.

"Sounds like a plan" she whispered.

"You like it?" he chuckled.

"Yeah" she answered smiling, still not looking at him.

"You wanna join?" he asked.

She looked up smiling.

"I don't know, is there room for me in that grand scheme?" she asked teasing.

"Of course" he said amused "I am sure they will be hiring dancers at the bar where I'll be working. You would make good money, it would take us half as long to get the money together for the trip" he chuckled.

She slapped his arm in mock hurt.

"You'd let me dance for other men?" she asked surprised.

He laughed kissing her answering her question. She felt her blood boil as the kiss grew more passionate. He broke away finally to rest his forehead against hers.

"Nah. You're all mine" he whispered.

She smiled and snuggled into his hold.

"So where are we going to go first? I always wanted to see Peru" she mumbled.

"Yeah. We could camp out for a week to adjust to the atmosphere so we don't choke when we climb up to see the ruins" he murmured and she smiled into his hold sighing.

Her chest suddenly felt heavy. It was nice to fantasize with him, but that's all it was. Fantasizing. She suddenly felt all the weight on her. The pressure on her. She never really realized how much it was. She just sort of took it upon herself because she thought that anything less would not be worth settling for. But for the first time in her life she had doubts. About why she should have to drive herself so hard for something that she chose to reach way back when.

"Rory?" he asked as if sensing her thoughts.

She sighed not wanting to look up at him. He lifted her chin to see her face and she squeezed her eyes shut.

"Rory" he repeated her name.

"When did it get so hard?" she asked him whispering, her words barely coming out.

He sighed, caressing her face.

"What?" he asked.

"Everything" she whispered.

"It's just growing up. Having more responsibilities. More decisions to make" he answered letting her head rest against his chest again, his arms going around her pulling her into a tight hug.

"Maybe I am not able to" she mumbled.

"You will" he whispered "We all will"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She was sitting at her desk reading when she heard him climb in. She glanced at the clock, it read 2 A.M. She actually gave up waiting on him after midnight, thinking he wouldn't come, but stayed up reading since she couldn't sleep.

She watched as he climbed in, his face uncharacteristically frustrated. He leaned back against the window, the way he always did after climbing in, to rest from the exhausting task.

She watched him concerned. She could tell his mood wasn't good, there was something. He dropped his gaze as if not being able to stand her studying him.

"You okay?" she asked, her voice small but still echoing in the quite room.

He sighed and started walking towards her taking of his sweater and tossing it on the floor.

She followed him with her eyes and let him take her hand pulling her to the bed. She sat down on the bed and watched as he went over to her desk to turn her lamp off, leaving the room dark with only the moon shining in through the window. She strained her eyes to see him walk back taking off his jeans and kicking of his shoes and socks. The next moment she felt him lay her on her back climbing on top of her and resting his weight on her with a sigh.

Her hands went up to his head, caressing his hair and he groaned easing into her hold.

"What's wrong?" she asked him, her voice small.

"Nothing" he mumbled.

"Your dad?" she asked.

He sighed again and groaned as he pulled himself up, supporting his weight on his elbows that were resting on the two sides of her face. He kissed her cheek gently.

"Family dinner" he said in between kisses "it takes a lot out of me" he groaned.

"Must have been a long family dinner" she implied referring to the time.

"My dad had a talk with me afterwards" he said.

"What about?" she asked, her face worried.

"Rory" he called her name frustrated.

"What about?" she repeated.

"My future, my behaviour, yadayadayada. The usual topics" he said groaning.

"And military school?" she asked worried.

"What, E! already reported?" he asked amused and kissed her neck.

"Tristan" she said, her tone still concerned.

"Yeah, that too, nothing new. Don't worry about it" he said, one hand travelling down her body pulling up her nightgown.

"What did he say?" she asked, not giving up.

"Have I ever told you how much I like this nightgown?" he murmured, his hand now going in to caress her inner thigh.

"Tristan" she called his name trying to get him to talk to her.

"It's such a fucking turn on" he murmured.

"Tristan" she repeated again, her voice more determined and it made him stop.

He sighed frustrated.

"He said I have to get my act together. That I have to do better in school since the grades count for college application and that I have to spend less time sneaking out and hanging with my loser friends or else he'll have to consider sending me to military school where I will have no choice but to focus on my studies" he said annoyed closing his eyes.

Rory stared at him, her face concerned.

"That doesn't sound too good" she said, her voice reflecting worry.

"Don't worry about it" he said, his voice calm.

She scoffed.

"Why are you so calm about this?" she asked.

"Rory, he has this talk with me every semester, I work harder for a while to get him off my back and then he doesn't mention it till next semester. Don't. Worry. About. It" he said brushing hair back from her face.

She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, relaxing slightly. His eyes were warm and reassuring and she felt herself believing him when he told her there was nothing to worry about.

"Now" he said, his voice husky as he went back to kissing her neck "let me have my fun"

She smiled blushing slightly. She was stunned how quickly he could make her forget everything. And how quickly he could turn her on. It was his voice. Something about it. The way it dropped to a deep whisper when he was turned on.

"Lift up your nightgown" he whispered as he rolled off of her to lay on his side next to her watching her.

She looked at him surprised but obeyed as she saw the desire in his eyes. She pulled her nightgown up and over her head.

He watched her and traced his fingers over her body as she closed her eyes. His hands traced the outline of her breast, then went lower caressing her abdomen and even lower tracking her hipbone. He stopped and returned to her breast while kissing the other one. She hissed feeling his tongue over her nipple.

"I love your breasts" he stated simply, his voice husky and she blushed wincing.

"They are prefect" he went on ignoring her discomfort "perfect size, perfect shape, perfect" he concluded as he went back to suck on her nipple making her moan.

She felt her body come alive and her desire growing deep in the pit of her stomach. She arched her back unconsciously, not being able to control her movements.

He chuckled slightly and his head went up to kiss the soft skin under her ear while he whispered.

"Looks like I'm not the only one who's been craving..." he said smirking.

She moaned as he sucked on her earlobe while his fingers circled her nipple still wet from his kisses.

"Is that right?" he asked suggestively as he pinched her nipple.

She gasped and bucked under his touch completely turned on.

"Tristan" she called his name, her voice coming deep, low.

"Is that right?" he repeated, more demanding.

"Yes" she whispered breathless.

"Have you been thinking about me?" he asked, his tone playful.

She inhaled sharply as his fingers squeezed her nipple. She opened her mouth not knowing what to say, what he wanted her to say. She let out a shaky breath enjoying his touch.

"Have you?" he repeated and she could tell he was smirking even though her eyes were shut tight.

"I have" she surrendered and smiled as he groaned.

"Take off your panties" he whispered into her ear and she blushed again but obeyed.

"Now tell me what you've been thinking about" he went on, his voice playful once again, his hand travelling down her body caressing her inner thigh once again.

"Tristan" she pleaded but was silenced as she felt him slip a finger inside of her.

She gasped and her breathing quickened.

His finger was moving in and out of her and she felt herself move involuntarily to increase the pressure.

"Rory" he whispered in her ear, his voice suddenly even more husky, shaking "tell me what you want"

She opened her eyes to look at him, his face right next to hers, his eyes a deep blue and clouded with desire. She gasped seeing the want. She opened her mouth again but had trouble finding the words and she groaned frustrated.

"Tristan... I can't..." she whispered wincing.

"Try" he whispered into her ear as he slid another finger inside her making her gasp and buck.

She moaned panting hard, her eyes closing.

He suddenly removed his fingers and she yelped in protest, frustrated. Opening her eyes he saw his face watching her, his breathing shallow and laboured, his eyes swirling, his need obvious.

"I want..." she whispered frustrated "I want..."

"What?" he whispered in her ear, licking her earlobe lightly.

"I want you to go on" she whispered breathless.

"Go on doing what?" he whispered teasing.

"Tristan" she stressed his name again frustrated as she grabbed his hand to make him continue his task. She could feel his fingers tremble and she opened her eyes to look at him again, suddenly feeling the power she had over him. She stared in his eyes for a second seeing how much he was turned on even as he teased her, trying to be in control.

"I want you to watch" she suddenly said, her voice low, quiet but determined as she relaxed on her bed, her hand going down between her legs. She closed her eyes and heard him curse under his breath as she started pleasing herself. She let her fingers dip inside making them wet, then moved up to circle her clit. She felt her heart start to race, her skin warm and a deep moan escaped her lips. She opened her eyes and saw Tristan staring at her, his eyes wide and his mouth agape, his chest rising and falling heavily.

"Take off your clothes" she whispered, the roles suddenly reversed. She heard him exhale and rise from the bed, removing the rest of his clothes and climbing back onto the bed, resting on his knees, his erection throbbing, watching her bewildered.

"You're beautiful" he whispered leaning down to kiss her and she welcomed him into her mouth, feeling the intensity. He broke away to move down to her breasts, taking them into his mouth one by one and sucking hard.

She gasped as the combined sensations sent an electrical current through her body. She moaned long and deep and opened her eyes to see him rise again to watch her.

His eyes travelled down her body and he cursed again, his hands going in between her legs.

"No" she whispered smiling and he stopped, his breath caught in his chest. He narrowed his eyes questioning her.

"I want to watch you" she stated simply and watched as he smiled slowly, understanding her request. He sighed.

"Rory" he called her name frustrated, his voice deep.

She arched an eyebrow enjoying her position and his discomfort.

He sighed again closing his eyes and his hand moved slowly to his erection gripping it. He slowly started stroking himself and Rory found herself staring in amazement. He was gorgeous, his body lean and muscular, his muscles flexing as he rested his weight on his knees. His eyes shut tight, his face in a slight frown as he held back his moans.

She felt even more turned on watching him please himself, knowing she had this effect on him. Her fingers started moving faster and she moaned seeing him open his eyes to look at her once again. He leaned forward to whisper in her ear.

"You have no idea how much you turn me on" he whispered then moved to kiss her, moaning into her mouth and making her even more exhilarated.

She felt herself slowly approaching her edge and she started moaning letting him know. She heard him curse again and saw him increase the frequency of his movements, gripping tight.

She felt her body being lifted and jerking as her orgasm tore through her and she moaned his name closing her eyes. She panted hard for seconds enjoying the feeling and opened her eyes slowly, her senses still overcome.

She saw him stare at her, panting hard, his hand stroking himself fast and her breath caught in her chest seeing him wanting his own release. She took his other hand, lifting it to her face and taking one finger in her mouth to suck gently on it. That seemed to push him over the edge as he closed his eyes and inhaled sharply calling out her name. He squeezed himself as he emptied onto her, his warm semen covering her chest. She gasped at the sensation and the sight of him orgasming over her.

She watched as he fell down next to her cursing, panting hard and she felt frozen. She listened to their breathing slowing, feeling his body radiating heat next to hers.

"Good lord" he mumbled as he inhaled sharply, trying to regain control over his breathing. She watched as he turned towards her, his eyes travelling over her. She saw him smile faintly. He got a tissue from her nightstand and came back to lay next to her cleaning her up gently.  
"Made a bit of a mess here" he whispered smirking, his voice still deep, cracking.

She couldn't help but chuckle.

He threw the tissue on the floor as he finished, then pulled her into a hug pulling the covers over them.

"Have I told you, you are insane?" he whispered into her ear.

She smiled into his chest blushing, suddenly feeling self conscious. She suddenly felt embarrassed. He made her do things that surprised her completely. She felt completely exhilarated and free and in control, but the next moment she could be very much aware of her actions.

"Wow" he exhaled laying down onto his back, holding her close, her head resting on his chest "definitely haven't done that before"  
She winced and buried her face in his chest.

"Okay, I'm not normal" she mumbled.

He chuckled.

"What?" he asked lifting her chin to look at her "Rory, you didn't see me protesting, did you?" he asked her, still exhausted.

She winced again.

He pulled her up and tucked her hair behind her ear pulling her close to whisper in her ear.

"You are normal. Actually, you're not. You are incredible. And I am fucking hooked, okay?" he laughed.

She smiled letting herself relax next to him, enjoying the feel of his warm skin against hers.

"Okay" she whispered.


	17. Sugar, we're going down

She opened her locker sighing. Monday mornings sucked. Even if this morning was slightly better than most. She actually felt good. Tired. Exhausted. But good.

She mused over the fact that the late night activities have finally taken their toll on her. Up to this point she compensated with even more coffee than she normally consumed. Now three cups in the morning got her through first period at best.

"So he is actually dating you?" she heard someone say behind her and she jumped.

She turned around trying to grasp the question. She saw a blond girl standing there. She saw her before, she was in her Algebra class, what was her name? Christie? Kirsten? Something like that.

"Excuse me?" she asked not understanding.

"Tristan DuGrey. Are you going out with him?" the girl asked without hesitation.

Rory blushed and looked around uncomfortably shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

"I've been seeing you around with him" she went on.

Rory just stared at her stunned then turned back to her locker.

"Why are you asking me this?" she asked concentrating on packing in her books.

"Just curious" the girl stepped next to her leaning against a locker, looking at her intently.

Rory felt even more uncomfortable.

"He doesn't usually go out with anyone, but he's been taking you home for weeks now" she stated matter of factly.

Rory slammed her locker shut and turned to the girl.

"Excuse me, do we even know each other?" she asked suddenly frustrated.

"Christine" the girl smiled "Just wondering when he'll be free"

"What?" Rory asked baffled.

"Just wondering when Tristan will be free again" she repeated as if talking to a five year old.

"Not for a while" Rory heard Tristan's voice and turned her head to see him stand behind her.

"C'mon Ror" he said placing an arm around her shoulder and pulling her away ignoring the blond.

Rory tagged along still speechless and stared at Tristan who was now walking down the hall. Her good mood was suddenly gone. She felt annoyed. And stunned.

"That girl..." she started still not able to formulate the sentence.

"Yeah?" he asked not looking at her, walking down the hall unaffected.

"She basically asked me when you'd be done with me so she can take her turn" she said baffled.

"Huh" he said as if he didn't known exactly what the girl said.

"Tristan" she stopped and he was forced to stop as well.

He turned to her wincing.

"Okay, is this going to be another one of those jealous lover scenes you pulled at the party, because unfortunately I don't know any free bedrooms here..." he started, his voice amused, trying to lighten the mood.

"Tristan" she cut him off, but he ignored her.

"Of course there is the janitor's closet, or our favorite, the engine room. You like the engine room, don't you?" he asked suggestively.

"Tristan" she hissed, suddenly blushing, looking around nervously.

He sighed.

"Yeah?"

"You don't think that scene was a bit awkward?" she asked him, her eyes wide.

"I do" he replied sighing.

She dropped her gaze. She suddenly felt stupid. That girl was right. It wasn't a shock people expected him to move on from her. She frowned and started to walk down the hall, but was stopped by his hand and he spun her back to face him.

"Why do you care?" he asked her, his voice a low whisper.

She didn't look up, just stared at his shoes, her chest rising and falling heavily.

"Rory. Why do you give a shit?" he repeated and she sighed frustrated.

"I don't know. I mean, it's not surprising. Them thinking it's weird that we're together. I mean, it is pretty strange, how it just happened, you can't blame them for being a bit shocked" she said frustrated, blurting out the words.

"Okay, okay, slow down" he said his other hand going on to hold onto her other arm and pulling her closer in, so his face was close to the top of her head as she still stared at the floor.

"Number 1. They are not your friends. They are not even people you like, so why do you give a damn about what they think or say? Number 2. Seemingly weird or not, we are together, and you know more than them about that, so why are you freaking out because some random girl asks you about it? Number 3. I am getting a little tired of being the one to reassure you this relationship is working, isn't that supposed to be the girl's job?" he said, his voice quiet, glancing around obviously not liking discussing this in a crowded hallway.

"And number 4. Is this a new perfume you are wearing, because it's making me horny as hell" he added, his tone playful and she couldn't help but smile, finally letting him achieve his goal of making her feel better.

"Hey" he pulled her into his arms "you used up your freak out for the day, that means I get a completely stable Hayden all day long"

She chuckled into his chest.

"Okay" she mumbled.

"God, I am better at this boyfriend thing than I thought I would be" he mused.

"Don't flatter yourself" she said "just wait till I get my period" she joked and laughed as he saw his expression change to mock panic.

"Oh no" he said.

"What?" she laughed.

"Oh fuck, like when we can't have sex for at least two days?" he asked acting along.

She chuckled knowing he was putting on a show so she'd forget the awkward scene from before.

"Two? Try five" she laughed.

His eyes went wide.

"Are you serious? I have to wait five fucking days?" he said suddenly loud and she looked around blushing. "You have got to be kidding me"

"Shut up" she hissed trying to quiet him.

"When is this supposed to happen?" he asked sticking to his act.

"Uhm... in a couple of days" she said uncomfortable.

"Okay. Okay. We're just gonna have to use our time efficiently" he said faking seriousness.

"You are crazy" she said laughing.

"Gotta use every opportunity..."

"Absolutely nuts"

"Every place... we can do this"

"Okay" she said still laughing.

"We don't have time before first period, but hey, meet me at the bleachers and we'll get on it straight away"

She laughed wholeheartedly now as he pulled her in and kissed the top of her head.

"I'll see you later" he said as he watched her walk to her classroom just down the hall. She smiled and glanced back at him to see him walk in the other direction to his classroom.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She sat at the bleachers and shivered slightly. It was getting more and more cold, the leaves on the tree turning beautiful colors. She admired the trees, then noticed him walking towards the stands. She watched him smiling seeing him walk, his face preoccupied and working on lighting a cigarette. She had to admit, he was quite a sight. And sexy. And yes, a bad boy. She had to give her mother that. He sprang up the steps energetically and sat down next to her, turning his head to blow the smoke out into the other direction, careful not to have it blow in her face.

"So sick of this school" he mumbled taking another drag "not even November and sick of it"

She watched him smiling and he noticed.

"What?" he asked, a smirk forming on his mouth.

"Nothing" she smiled.

"You seem to be in a better mood than this morning" he stated smiling.

"And you seem to be in a worse mood" she retorted.

"Nah" he said throwing away his cigarette and pulling her in for a hug "my mood is perfect" he said smirking.

He kissed her and she melted in his arms, enjoying the feel of his tongue exploring her mouth, the taste of cigarettes still strong.

"C'mere" he whispered pulling her to sit on his lap straddling him and she obeyed.

"How is your day?" he murmured, kissing her neck.

She sighed enjoying his ministrations.

"It's okay" she said "just got better"

He smirked kissing her again then pulling away slightly, a mischievous smile playing on his face.

"What?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

"You know, I don't think I ever had sex on the bleachers" he said suggestively, his hands travelling up her thighs and under her skirt.

She stared at him chuckling.

"Oookay?" she said.

"Wanna be my first?" he murmured into the crook of her neck.

"I think I am a few dozens late for that" she retorted.

"You can take my bleacher virginity away" he hummed, his hands going around her under her skirt to cup her ass and she gasped as he pulled her closer letting her feel his erection.

"Tristan, someone might see" she whispered.

"I don't care" he mumbled pressing his hips towards hers groaning.

She pulled away to look at him, suddenly incredibly turned on. She studied his face trying to grasp how he could do that to her. No matter what she felt like, no matter where they were, he could always turn her on, with just a couple of words or gestures.

"How do you do that?" she asked, her voice low.

"What?" he narrowed her eyes smiling.

"Turn me on so fast?" she mumbled.

He broke into a full blown smirk.

"It's my special talent" he said laughing as he pulled her into another kiss.

"What is the meaning of this?" they heard someone yell and she jumped, practically falling off of him.

She stood up seeing Headmaster Charleston at the bottom of the steps with the janitor standing right next to him.

"Oh my god" she mumbled, straightening out her skirt as Tristan stood up as well.

"Miss Gilmore. Mr. DuGrey. In my office. Now"

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lorelai walked in through the front door, her steps determined, quick. The hallway was empty, her footsteps echoing on the marble floor. She sighed frustrated.

She didn't even know where the headmaster's office was. She never had to come in to find it. She turned a corner seeing a sign pointing her to the right door.

She sighed opening it stepping into the small waiting area and stopped dead in her tracks as she saw Tristan sitting in a chair by the door leading to the office. He was as indifferent and unaffected as ever. Lorelai felt the urge to slap him just to get some sort of reaction out of the kid.

She shot him a death glare as he nodded silently in her direction. She saw Rory sitting on the other side of the door in another chair, her face flushed and in a regretful expression. She stared at her questioning.

"Mrs. Hayden?" she heard a voice and turned to see a secretary looking at her.

"Uhm... Ms. Gilmore actually, I use my maiden name. But yes, I am Rory's mother. I got called in?" she said.

"Yes. Headmaster Charleston will see you now. Right through there" the secretary replied pointing towards the door.

She sighed looking at Rory again, who dropped her gaze to the floor uncomfortably.

Lorelai walked to the door and knocked on it waiting for an answer before she opened it to step inside the office.

"Ms. Gilmore, please have a seat" she saw the headmaster rise and offer her a seat across from her in front of his desk.

She smiled politely and sat down, not saying anything.

She had a faint idea what this could be about. Well, since she's seen Tristan sitting outside as well.

"Ms. Gilmore, your daughter was caught with Mr. DuGrey today out by the football field in a compromising position" the man started and Lorelai couldn't help bursting out laughing.

"Oh my god" she laughed unable to hold it together.

"Ms. Gilmore" the headmaster stared at her baffled.

"I'm sorry" she said, trying to contain her laughter "I just never thought I would live to see the day someone telling me that" she went on.

"Ms. Gilmore" he repeated.

Lorelai sighed, trying to regain her composure.

"Now, Mr. DuGrey has a certain reputation, but Rory has been one of our best students up till this semester, so this comes as a bit of a shock..." he started.

"Up till this semester?" she cut him off.

"Yes" he said.

"Why do you say 'up till this semester'?" she asked narrowing her eyes.

"Rory's grades have been dropping considerably" he explained slowly.

"What?" she asked surprised.

"Her teachers also reported that she has been more withdrawn and taking part less in activities" he went on.

"Hold on, hold on, her grades are dropping?" she asked again.

The headmaster sighed.

"I'm afraid so, yes" he said as Lorelai looked on baffled "Now, this might be in part due to her... er... interactions with Mr. DuGrey, but I think given the other facts we should maybe consider the possibility of Rory having some problems" he went on.

Lorelai sighed concerned.

"Ms. Gilmore, have you noticed anything out of the ordinary with Rory? Has there been some problems at home that might account for it?" he asked.

"Well, she's been a little down lately, it's true, but I... I never thought... wow, her grades are dropping?"

"Ms. Gilmore"

"Yes, her mood has been bad lately. And I've noticed also. But there is no problems home, I mean nothing changed in the last year or so, we are very happy and fine and nothing happened. She broke up with her boyfriend a couple of weeks ago, maybe it's just that, maybe she's just hurt and compensating running around with this Tristan kid" she said frustrated.

"Ms. Gilmore, calm down. This isn't rare with teenagers. They have problems and periods where their priorities change..."

"Rory's priorities don't change. She's been working all her life, working really hard for her goals, I just don't understand"

Headmaster Charleston sighed.

"Ms. Gilmore, maybe we should consider Rory talk to one of our counsellors. Ms. Woodbridge is an excellent psychiatrist specializing in teenage mood disorders..."

"You want her to see a psychiatrist?" she cut him off.

"I am saying we should consider it seeing as this seems to be an ongoing problem for Rory"

"Look" she laughed "she's had a though couple of weeks and yes, maybe she's been down lately and maybe her grades have dropped... are you sure by the way?" she asked again baffled.

The headmaster just nodded.

"But still, I think sending her to a shrink might be a bit of a rush, I mean let's just give it a bit more time and I will try to talk to her and get her to explain what is going on"

"As you wish Ms. Gilmore, it was merely a suggestion"

"I know my daughter and I know she can open up to me more than some professional" she said hurt "Even though your professional is probably a good professional" she added realizing how she must have sounded "I mean Ms. Woodbridge just sounds like a very professional name" she rambled "I am sure she's great, that Ms. Woodbridge. So her grades have dropped?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rory got in the passenger seat silently. She buckled up and straightened her skirt taking a deep breath.

"Caught at the bleachers?" her mother asked.

Rory sighed closing her eyes.

"You are going to have a field day with this, aren't you?" she asked frustrated.

"Well, I have to say, it is pretty impressive. More creative than the janitor's closet although slightly more exposed also, I mean what were you thinking?" she turned to her and Rory sighed again.

"I wasn't I guess" she mumbled staring ahead.

Lorelai sighed.

"Rory" she called her name, her voice suddenly concerned "What's going on?"

Rory shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Nothing, I am sorry, I go out there all the time just to be alone and Tristan has been hanging out with me, it's nothing mom, please don't make a big deal out of this"

"Don't make a big deal out of this? Rory, since you've been hanging out with this guy, you have pulled a 180, I mean you spend all your time with him, have him sneak in your room and now you get caught making out with him in school?" she said baffled.

"You know, this is funny coming from you" she scoffed.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lorelai shot back.

"How many times have I heard the stories about you and dad, mom? I mean this is such a double-standard, you had me when you were a year younger than I am now, so don't put me on a guilt trip" she said coldly.

Lorelai gasped.

"But this is not you, Rory. You go for 17 years being my complete opposite, and more grown-up than I will ever be and all of a sudden you do all this? Explain to me, Rory. Explain where this all comes from"

"I don't know, mom, I don't know okay?" she yelled.

"Is this his effect?" she asked concerned.

"So what if it is? What if it is? So he makes me feel alive and less crappy, what does it matter if it doesn't affect anything else in my life?"

"But it does Rory, it does affect you. You are not interested in anything. You are always in a bad mood. You are late from your classes and you were in detention!Your grades have been dropping, my god, I didn't even think that was possible!" she retorted.

"This has nothing to do with him"

"Don't say that, don't say that Rory, because it's not true"

"My mood has been bad long before he came along, my mood's actually been better since I have him. And what if I got a couple of B's mom? The semester just started, I only had a couple of test, I will make up for them"

"You never got a B, Rory" she said concerned.

"So what? So what if I got a damn B? Why do I have to be perfect? Why do I always have to be perfect? You think it's easy being like that? You think it's easy meeting all those expectations?" she cried.

"Honey, nobody expects you to be perfect. I never told you that. It's just that you always put such a big pressure on yourself to achieve your goals. What changed?"

"I don't know, maybe I am not so sure about my goals anymore" she sighed frustrated.

"What are you talking about? About journalism? Harvard?" Lorelai asked uncertain.

"I don't know, mom. Maybe it's just not the greatest plan. I mean maybe that's not what I want to do. Or not right away" she mumbled.

"What?" she huffed "Where did this come from? Rory, you wanted Harvard since you were 2 years old, what changed suddenly?"

"I was 2, mom. Don't you think that's crazy? Someone deciding what they want to do at age 2?" she cried frustrated.

"Is this what he thinks?" Lorelai narrowed her eyes, her voice more quiet.

"No. Mom. Don't make this about him" she shot back.

"I can't not make it about him, Rory, he shows up and you start second guessing your whole life, your plans, everything?"

"I started second guessing it long before I met him, mom" she shot back.

"When?" she asked, her voice suddenly small, hurt.

"I don't know, months ago" she replied.

Lorelai looked at her daughter and suddenly felt completely lost. She wanted so bad to help her, to understand her. She couldn't understand how this all happened. She always seemed to be so strong, determined, sure of herself. She didn't know this person sitting here next to her. Didn't know how Rory turned into her.

"Maybe we need some help" she said, her voice quiet.

Rory sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"Headmaster Charleston mentioned you could see a counsellor" she went on.

Rory sighed.

"You think that's going to help?" she asked, turning to face her for the first time.

"I don't know" she whispered and looked her in the eye.

Rory took a breath as if trying to calm herself, clear herself of the emotions, the tension.

"Mom. It will be fine. I just have to concentrate more on school. It will be fine"

Lorelai looked at her concerned and forced out a smile.

"Alright" she whispered turning to start the car.

She drove off, both of them staring ahead, with an uneasy expression on their faces.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She was lying in her bed her back towards the window, her room dark, but sleep would not come. It had been a while.

Well, most nights she wouldn't sleep anyways, since he would be there too. Now insomnia was a stark reminder of the things not right with her. Those feelings. She was reminded of that today. That something was wrong with her, that something changed, that people were surprised by her and disappointed in her.

She heard the rattle from outside, then the familiar sound of her window creaking. She closed her eyes sighing, unable to move. She hadn't even thought about him coming over. Figured he would not take his chances tonight.

She smiled inwardly realizing they never ever spoke on the phone. This was their phone. Him climbing in through her window late at night.

She heard him approach her bed and still she didn't move.

She felt so weak, her strength gone, and empty, painfully empty again.

He kicked off his shoes climbing onto the bed settling in next to her, his face against the back of her neck, his arms going around her waist, pulling her against his body and she felt him sigh.

"Hey" he whispered and she sighed in return.

His hand caressed the bare skin of her arm gently and she wondered how it could feel so comforting when everything else felt so horrible.  
He didn't talk. Didn't ask questions. She wondered if he had a sixth sense just for her. Her and her feelings. That's the only way she could explain how he could always know how to act around her. Only speak when she needed him to, listen when she felt too tired to have anyone talk, and lay next to her when she felt too tired for anything.

"Remember when you asked me if it scares me?" his voice rang through the silent room "The emptiness?"

She didn't respond, but listened holding her breath.

"Mine doesn't. I've gotten used to it. Learned to live with it. It almost feels like I can forget it sometimes. Like someone who's always there, but I can just sit him down in a chair in the corner" he went on, his voice warm, almost amused.

"I think you can learn to do that. Control it. Befriend it. It's part of you. It makes you who you are. You have to be in charge of it. Have to not let other people stir it up" he said and she smiled. It's like they had a code. A special language. She knew what he meant.

"I guess it took me a while. But I've gotten there. It's possible to get there" he said and kissed her neck gently.

"So mine does?" her voice came low, quiet.

"What?" he whispered.

"You said your emptiness doesn't scare you anymore. But mine does?" she clarified.

He sighed turning her towards him. She let him, reluctantly and closed her eyes as he brushed the hair away from her face.

"No" he whispered "It doesn't. I am right here"

She buried her face into his chest.

"I am right here" he repeated kissing the top of her head.


	18. More of the inevitable

She was walking down the hall absent minded. It was so gloomy outside, one of those days when it feels like it's already late in the evening just because of the darkness outside. She used to like those days, it made her feel cozy. Now it weighed in on her and she wished time would pass faster so she could get out of here.

"Well, well, well" she heard a voice say from behind her, but ignored it "If it isn't Miss Good-girl-gone-wild"

She spun around realizing the phrase had been directed towards her.

She saw three guys standing behind her, mischievous smiles on their faces. She tried to identify who they were, she's seen them around but never really even talked to them. One was a tall, dark haired kid with green eyes. She thought she'd maybe had a class with him once, but she was sure they never talked.

She frowned and turned around to continue walking towards her classroom.

"Hey, what's the rush?" the guy caught up with her walking next to her while the other two remained standing in the middle of the hall, staring at them laughing.

"I'm Mike" the guy said as he walked next to Rory.

Rory furrowed her brows, not understanding his eagerness to chat with her.

"Rory" she murmured, but continued walking.

She felt a hand grasp her arm and she stopped abruptly as the guy pulled her to stop and face him.

She looked at him with confusion and a questioning gaze.

"What are you doing after school?" he said with a wide grin.

Rory stared at him.

"What?" she asked bewildered.

"We could hang out, get to know each other" the guy said effortlessly.

Rory continued staring. Then she finally got it. She turned around and continued down the hall. She suddenly felt his hand on her arm again.

"Hey, hey, hey. Don't play hard to get" he said chuckling "I know you're not" he went on, his voice dropping to a husky whisper.

"Excuse me?" she glared at him.

"Oh come on. You give it to Tristan DuGrey at the bleachers but you play all innocent when a guy asks you out?"

She just stared at him, her eyes wide. Were they really saying that about her?

"C'mon" the guy said suggestively as he stepped closer to Rory, who was still staring at him baffled.

"Leave her alone"

Her head shot up seeing Tristan standing next to them, his face cold, determined.

The guy let go of Rory's hand but made no move to back away.

"Walk away" Tristan went on, his tone unchanged.

The guy scoffed.

"Calm down DuGrey. I thought you were done with her already" he said smirking.

"I said walk away" he repeated, stressing the words.

"Oh, she must be pretty good if you have several goes at her" he chuckled but was silenced as Tristan's fist hit his face.

The guy stumbled backwards falling to the ground and Rory saw Tristan leap after him, grabbing his shirt and pulling him up, shoving him towards the lockers.

The kids scattered staring bewildered and Rory yelled Tristan's name as he slammed the kid against the lockers.

"You listen to me" Tristan spat, his face overcome with sheer anger "you stay the hell away from her, got that?" he said stressing his words by pushing him against the lockers.

"Tristan stop" Rory yelled in vain, touching his back.

"Everyone got that?" Tristan yelled as he stepped back, letting the kid slump to the ground, his hand going up to touch his nose that was now bleeding.

The kids stared wordless as Rory pulled Tristan's hand desperately, trying to get away from the uncomfortable scene. She finally managed, dragging him down the hall as he shot everyone a death glare.

She dragged him with her, turning a couple of corners and finally pulling him into an empty part of the hallway.

"Fucking bastards" he mumbled taking a look at his fist that was obviously hurting from having punched the guy.

"You're crazy. Do you want to get into trouble again?" she whispered delirious.

He looked at her suddenly and she gasped seeing the intense look in his eyes, his breathing still heavy.

"You don't need any more calls to the Headmaster's office, Tristan" she said worried.

"Rory, that guy was harassing you" he hissed.

"So you punch his lights out?" she asked bewildered.

"Yeah" he yelled.

"You can't do this. Your father is on your back as it is" she pleaded.

"I don't give a fuck, Rory, they can't do that to you" he said passionately pointing back towards the direction the scene had happened.

"Tristan" she whispered, her arms going around his neck, her face coming within inches of his, her expression worried "please"

He took a shaky breath as if her closeness overwhelmed him suddenly.

He sighed closing his eyes, his arms going around her waist, his forehead resting against hers.

"They don't matter. It doesn't matter. Just ignore them, ignore everything" she whispered, her voice feverish and he hushed her as he pressed his lips against the top of her head.

"Okay" he whispered "it's okay"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She shivered pulling her coat around her tight. She's been standing by his car for an hour now as the parking lot slowly emptied.

She was worried to say the least.

He got called to the Headmaster's office in last period. Rory remembered the sheer shock she felt when she heard Mrs. Swanson tell him to go to the office. She watched him rise from his chair, unaffected, cool and calm. He didn't even look at her.

He wasn't back the whole period.

Rory sighed closing her eyes.

When she opened them again, she spotted him. It was like a dream, her eyes slowly focusing on his form, so familiar by now. As always he was walking determined, a cigarette already in his mouth.

She felt herself let out a breath she'd been holding.

She waited impatiently as he walked up to her coming to stand in front of the car, taking a drag from his cigarette.

"What happened?" she asked, her voice worried.

He looked at her arching an eyebrow.

He blew out the smoke and lifted the cigarette to his mouth again, ignoring her question.

"Tristan" she called his name, impatient.

"Rory?" he asked as if he didn't know what she wanted.

"Tristan" she repeated, more annoyed.

"I was in detention Rory, you didn't have to wait" he said simply.

"They put you in detention?" she asked worried.

"Rory, I punched a kid, yes they put me in detention" he said amused.

"And that's it?" she asked, her voice uncertain.

He sighed, closing his eyes and leaning against his car.

"And they talked to my dad"

Rory's face fell.

"Twice in a week. That's a new record" he said taking a last drag from his cigarette.

"Tristan" she whispered, her voice worried, her heart in her throat.

"You're wearing my name out, babe" he said cynically, slightly annoyed and sighed when he saw the desperate look in her eyes.

He put out his cigarette and stepped closer to her, pulling her in his arms.

"No freak out today, I'm not in the mood" he whispered kissing her forehead.

"But..." she started but he cut her off, kissing her hard. She whimpered at the sudden contact, and his intensity, but didn't protest.

"C'mon, let's go" he said letting go of her suddenly and walking to open the door.

She just stood there staring, her silent fears gripping her chest.

He sighed again, seeing her unwillingness to move.

"Okay" he said, talking slowly, articulating every word as if trying to get through to her "let me just take you home and go home and talk to him. No point worrying about this now, Rory"

"But what if..." she started again, but he didn't let her finish.

"No point wondering either. I'll just go and talk to him, okay?" he said coolly.

She looked at him still not convinced.

"Please" he said, his face suddenly tired.

She sighed, not resisting anymore and obeyed his silent request, getting in the car. She stared at him worried as he got in as well and started the car.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lorelai stood in the kitchen fixing a baby bottle for Matt. She looked up and through the kitchen window saw a car stop in front of the house.

She sighed.

It was Tristan.

She didn't know how to feel about this guy.

Obviously, her first instinct had been to want to keep Rory away from him, but she knew that was nonsense. She knew what it was like, to fall in love as a teenager, to want to be together despite everything and everyone telling you elsehow. God, did she know.

And she had to admit, he seemed to pull her out of the slump she's been in for the last couple of months.

She sighed again. This was a sore point. She beat herself up again and again about missing the signs, about neglecting to see Rory was depressed, down. Maybe this was the backlash of having more kids. Up to this point, she's been focused on Rory being as close to her as it was possible. But ever since Matt was born a little over a year ago, things have changed. She realized parenting wasn't something she could do without complete dedication. She was shocked at how brave she was for having Rory as young as she did. Up to this point she didn't realize how many things could have gone wrong with her and Chris being so young and inexperienced. Now she seemed to be more aware of these facts. And more worried. And more consumed.

And yeah, maybe in the process, Rory somehow managed to slip further away from her.

Yeah, they were still close. Closer than any mother and daughter she knew. But it had changed.

And Rory had definitely changed as well.

She sighed frustrated as she watched Tristan get out of his car and walk towards the tree by Rory's window.

She put the bottle down and walked out of the kitchen, opening the front door and walking towards the tree on the porch.

She cleared her throat.

"You wanna start using the front door?" she asked cynically and watched as Tristan froze and let the branch of the tree go, falling back onto the ground.

He turned around slowly, his expression free of any panic, indifferent as ever. Lorelai wasn't even surprised anymore. Few things seemed to put him out of his cool.

"Ms. Gilmore" he nodded.

"Hello Tristan" she said forcing out a smile.

He took a couple of steps towards the porch out of the shadows.

"Didn't want to bother you" he offered an explanation as to why he once again chose to climb in to Rory's.

She smiled wryly.

"Have you had dinner?" she suddenly asked.

Tristan looked at her baffled. She smirked. It was probably the first time she managed to take him by surprise.

"Uhm..." he started cautiously.

"We are just about to have dinner, why don't you join?"

"I really don't want to be any trouble" he said.

"Too late for that" she said suggestively and Tristan sighed dropping his gaze to the ground catching her drift.

"Look, about yesterday..." he started, but was cut off.

"Oh please, don't explain, I don't want to hear the dirty details" she said cynically.

"I'm sorry for getting her into trouble" he went on, his voice determined, his face calm again.

She sighed.

"I'm trying my best here" he said frustrated.

"I know" she whispered and his eyes shot up to her bewildered.

She sighed again, uncomfortable.

"But she is depressed and easily influenced and I am worried..." she went on, her words coming out ragged, her voice faltering.

"I know that, Ms. Gilmore, I am not here to corrupt your daughter, I am here to help her out" he cut in, his voice serious.

"Maybe you can't" she blurted out "maybe she needs actual help, professional help or I don't know" she went on frustrated.

"You want to send her to a shrink?" he cut her off again, his voice incredulous.

She sighed, her words caught in her chest. She looked at him for a minute.

"Maybe it would be the best decision to..." she whispered.

"No" he cut her off, his voice stunning her.

"You know, you are such a hypocrite" he said spitting out the words.

Lorelai's face was shocked, staring at him bewildered, unable to say anything.

"You pretend to be the cool mother, but at the first sight of trouble, you freak out and send her to some complete stranger to fix her. She is not broken, you know? She is just confused and sad and undecided. If you would have a little patience and let her figure out what the hell she wants, she would. But not having a grip on it bothers you. Not having her bubbly and cheerful and balanced bothers you. It scares you and you don't know how to deal with it. Well, guess what? That comes with being a parent. Things don't always go as smooth as you want them to" he said, his voice heated, his eyes shooting sparks.

She stared at him, her mouth open in shock.

"What's going on?" Rory asked coming to stand in the doorway next to her mother, only seeing her and Tristan stare at each other with determined expressions. She glanced worried from one to the other, both of them looking uncomfortable.

"Uhm... nothing" Lorelai mumbled, trying to regain her composure. She took a deep breath and turned around to walk in the house.

"Don't stay long, we're about to have dinner" she said as she closed the door behind her.

Rory looked at Tristan questioning.

"What was that about?" she asked concerned.

He took a couple of steps as she descended from the porch and he pulled her close sighing.

"Nothing. She just saw me arriving and made a couple of jokes about me climbing up to your room" he said.

He embraced her, inhaling the smell of her hair and sighing.

"Hey" he murmured.

She tensed in his arms, pulling away, her face still concerned.

"What did your dad say?" she asked, her eyes worried.

He sighed again.

"Uhm... not much... he was, he was actually pretty cool" he murmured, his gaze dropping to the ground.

"Really?" she asked, not convinced.

"Yeah. I mean, he was pissed at first, but we talked it over. I explained and he let it go eventually" he replied.

"You're lying" she heard herself say the words.

It slipped her tongue, but it was definitely what she felt. Some unknown fear that had been gripping her chest all afternoon forced the words out and she stared at him, her chest rising and falling heavily.

Tristan's eyes shot up, dark and sparkling, his face serious.

"Rory" his voice came low, barely audible and she closed her eyes swallowing hard.

She suddenly felt exhausted, all the worrying, all her concern suddenly taking it's toll. She felt like she was gonna collapse to the floor in despair.

She felt his arms around her again, his strong hold keeping her on her feet. His mouth next to her ear, he started whispering, his voice hypnotisingly calm.

"Listen to me. It's all going to be okay. Alright? Stop worrying yourself sick. Please. For me. Trust me, okay? We're going to make everything work, just trust me"

He kissed her head and held her tight as she finally let go, tears flowing from her eyes.

"Now, you go in there and have dinner with your family, okay?" he asked her wiping off the tears, looking into her eyes "And I am gonna go home and do that with mine, okay?"

She nodded her head, trying to calm herself, taking a deep breath.

"And I will see you tomorrow" he said smiling "It's all going to be fine" he whispered, kissing her gently and she nodded again trying to make that sentence her own, like a mantra she could repeat to make herself calm.

She sighed and forced out a smile, meeting his.

She turned around to walk up the porch and opened the front door, turning back once more to see him standing there, smiling reassuring, before she entered the house and shut the door behind her.

xxxxxxxxxxx

They sat in the cafeteria facing each other. Tristan watched her pick at her food unmotivated and a small smile crept on his face. Noticing, she arched an eyebrow.

"What?" she asked.

"You weren't kidding about your period, were you? You don't even have your appetite" he stated amused as she gasped bewildered, looking around blushing.

"Tristan" she glared at him.

He chuckled.

She dropped her gaze, concentrating even more fiercely on the mashed potatoes, trying to hide her embarrassment.

"God, I miss the bleachers" he sighed, leaning forward, pushing a tray with his leftovers to the side.

She looked up, her eyes showing surprise.

"Why?" she asked, her voice small, innocent.

"I'd be kissing you by now" he growled, his voice dropping low.

She blushed again, her gaze returning to her food as she bit on her lower lip trying to hide a smile.

He looked around sighing.

"Plus, these freaks staring is giving me the creeps. I feel like I am a caged animal in a zoo"

Rory chuckled. It was true. People have been staring at them ever since the bleacher incident. Not to mention Tristan's little stunt the day after.

"You act like one, they treat you like one" she said suggestively, her gaze still on her tray.

His eyes widened in shock.

"Excuse me?" he said, with mock hurt.

"Oh come on" she rolled her eyes "you were the one to go and make a big scene"

"Well, excuse me for wanting to protect my girlfriend" he huffed.

"Protect? You practically peed on me, marking your territory to that boy" she chuckled.

He couldn't help but smile himself.

"The mental images you put in my head. Sick" he groaned and she laughed, pushing her tray to the side as well, leaning over the table.

Their heads were only a couple of inches away and she drowned out the whispering and smirking directed at them from all around.

"So..." she started, her voice seductive and he arched an eyebrow "I see you've gained quite the experience in using the girlfriend term " she went on.

He smirked leaning in even closer.

"Yeah, well, you gotta try everything once" he whispered, closing the gap between them and meeting her lips with his in a gentle kiss.

He closed his eyes groaning.

"So how many days more?" he asked with mock exasperation.

She slapped him playfully, pulling back, her face blushing once again.

"No, seriously, how many days?" he said, faking seriousness.

She laughed.

"Just one or two more, calm down" she said, blushing violently.

"Oh thank God" he said looking up dramatically and she couldn't help but laugh.

She enjoyed the warmness floating through her body. It was like he always found a way to sneak it back into her. Even with him being so serious most of the time.

She wondered about this. Wondered what was the reason for the change. Was it an actual change or had she just slowly began to see his true character, the one he hid from the world? Either way, she was thankful. Even with all the trouble this week had brought, all the chaos, when she was with him, all was well. All was alright.

She sighed.

"Do you have time after school?" she asked timidly.

His face suddenly became weary, his expression hardening, his body tensing.

He rubbed his eyes with his hands in frustration as Rory looked on concerned.

"I... uhm... I gotta get home on time" he forced out the words.

Rory looked on concerned.

"He's got me on a short leash" he sighed and Rory knew he meant his father.

Ever since that day he had the fight at the school, he's been spending a lot of time home. No doubt atoning for his sins. She didn't quite know. He didn't seem to want to talk about it and she respected that, not asking any questions about the subject.

"But hey, weekend's coming up, we'll do something together, okay?" he said looking up, his eyes sparkling.

"Okay" she smiled.

"You won't be menstruating by then, right?" he added with a straight face and she gasped again, slapping him once more and rising from her seat to walk away as she heard his heartfelt chuckles.


	19. A sorta fairytale

She felt his hand caressing her arm as she opened her eyes, her senses still dense with sleep. She groaned as the stark light coming from outside hit her eyes and she turned her face burying it in her pillow.

"C'mon Rory, wake up" he murmured into her ear, his warm breath in stark contrast with his cold touch, a clear indication of the fact that he had just sneaked into her room.

"I really should lock that damn window" she murmured and resisted the tugging at her arm.

"What are you doing?" she groaned frustrated.

"Getting you up, come on" he said rising from the bed and walking towards her closet.

She turned on her bed frustrated, checking the clock on her nightstand.

"7:16? 7:16? On a Saturday? What the heck is wrong with you?" she mumbled watching as he disappeared into her closet "And what are you doing in my closet?" she added, her brows furrowed.

"Packing" she heard him answer "We're going on a trip"

"What?" she asked, her head suddenly clear of sleep, the chilly air of the room drawing goosebumps on her exposed skin.

She stared at him as he walked out of her closet, dropping some jeans and a couple of tops on her bed, followed by a backpack.

"It's the last weekend before the weather turns cold. We should go and make good use of it" he said, his voice calm.

"We can't just go on a road trip" she said incredulous.

"Why not?" he asked, his eyes meeting hers.

"I have homework" she tried.

"You're probably done with homework" he arched an eyebrow skeptically.

"I'd have to ask my parents" she protested.

"You'll leave a note. And call them from the road. Your mom is cool" he replied.

"But where are we going?" she asked, her eyes wide.

"We'll decide on the way" he replied matter of factly.

She laughed.

"But..." she started.

"Oh come on Rory, it's a weekend road trip, not 7 years in Tibet" he rolled his eyes "We'll be back by tomorrow"

She smiled, throwing the covers off of her and slowly getting out of bed.

Tristan's eyes fell on her exposed legs and he groaned walking up to the side of the bed.

"On the other hand, we are in no rush, we could hold off the road trip for a bit longer" he said, his voice becoming husky as he climbed on top of her, pushing her back onto the bed.

xxxxxxxxx

She rested her face on her arm looking out with the window rolled down. Her other hand made waves as the air rushed by.

She marvelled at the fact how quickly time passed. It seemed like summer had just gone by and when she looked around, she could see the season changing. She's always liked fall. Back when she was little, it was the opportunity to go back to school. Yeah, she had been a regular little nerd. And she always liked the trees turning beautiful colors. She remembered her walks with her dad through the quiet woods. These same ones they were driving through now.

It was a warm day despite the fog surrounding them. It was dense and seemed to cover them like a blanket even though it had only started to appear since they started their journey a couple of hours ago. She liked it, it seemed to fit their day, the two of them heading off to who knows where. The anxiety she had felt for taking off without telling anyone was gone now, as if the fog had some calming affect on her. As if it could protect them from anything that might go wrong. She could barely make out the trees on the side of the road, clad in glorious autumn colors.

She turned back to look at him sitting in the driver's seat, calm as ever, his eyes on the road.

She always felt calm with him in the driver's seat, from the very first time.

She could tell he noticed her staring because a small smirk appeared on his face.

"Having naughty thoughts about me already?" he asked amused.

"When am I not?" she quipped back and watched him chuckle.

She looked at him for another second before talking again.

"So are you gonna tell me where we are going?" she asked, getting comfortable in her seat.

He smiled.

"Wherever" he answered then glanced at her "there is so much to see in our great state of Connecticut" he went on, his tone dramatic.

She couldn't help but smile.

"Hmmm. Look at that" he said pointing to a sign rapidly approaching on the side of the road "Entering Mystic County, that sounds perfect"

"You act like you've never been to Mystic County before" she laughed.

"So not the point" he said with mock hurt.

"Oh yeah? What is the point exactly?" she asked amused.

"The point is..." he started as the car slowed down "that I am with my lovely girl and we are free and young and happy and enjoying our weekend getaway" he went on smiling as he took the exit towards a small green building on the side of the road.

Rory looked on surprised.

"We are stopping at a visitor center?" she asked incredulous.

"How else are we going to decide what to see?" he replied and she laughed again.

"This is hilarious" she said getting out of the car.

"A little more enthusiasm, if I may ask" he said cynically as he got out himself, shutting the car door and walking towards the building.

"Oh, I am definitely enthusiastic" she said as she caught up with him, putting her arms around his waist from behind him.

He turned around to kiss her then pulled her towards the entrance of the building.

It was a simple visitor center with brochures, postcards and souvenirs and an old lady behind a counter who was talking to a couple of tourists.

Rory turned to the wall covered with brochures smiling delightedly.

"You are so easy to please" she heard him snickering from behind her.

"What?" she asked not understanding.

"You should've seen your face light up seeing those brochures" he laughed.

"You wouldn't believe the fascinating facts you can learn from these" she stated matter of factly glancing back at him.

He arched an eyebrow.

"Just listen" she said, taking a colorful piece of paper from one of the racks.

"Did you know, for example, that there are nearly 3,500 aquatic creatures making waves at the Mystic Aquarium & Institute for Exploration?" she asked.

"Nooo" he said with mock shock.

"And that you can examine a 14-foot replica of one of the boilers of the Titanic, which was only rediscovered in 1985 at the bottom of the Atlantic by Dr. Robert Ballard?"

"You don't say" he said with no interest in his voice.

"Oh my god, you can touch a ray!" she exclaimed.

"Oh my god!" he mocked and she glanced back at him glaring.

"Maybe you'll be more interested in the USS Nautilus & Submarine Force Museum with the world's first nuclear-powered sub"

He laughed and began to search the brochures himself.

"How about the Nathan Hale Homestead, the humble farmhouse family home of Connecticut's state hero?"

"Oh intrigue" she replied and took another brochure.

"Or the Mashantucket Pequot Museum & Research Center" she said.

"I don't even know what that is supposed to be, but repeat 5 times really fast" he said amused and she laughed.

She looked on as he scanned the brochures on the wall and she felt herself smiling involuntarily. It was amazing, the way he could make her feel without doing anything at all. It was overwhelming, energizing, her body feeling exhilarated and content. It was almost scary, like a high she had never experienced before. She tried to shoo the thoughts away and moved closer to him, wanting to feel his closeness. He put an arm around her pulling her in close without looking up from the brochure he was reading and she smiled, burying her face in his chest.

"Wow, this place has the oldest surviving indoor bowling alley in the country" he mumbled amused and she laughed again, turning her face back towards the brochures.

Suddenly her eyes caught something. It was a picture of a lighthouse, standing on the waterfront, the water calm and blue.

"What's that?" she asked, her voice quiet.

Tristan looked at her, then the brochure her eyes were fixed on. He took it out to read the description.

"New Harbor Lighthouse" he read.

"Let's go there" she said, her eyes suddenly lighting up.

"It's closed to the public" he said, not looking up from the brochure "You can only look at it from the outside"

Rory pouted.

"Shall we go anyway?" he asked looking up, smiling.

"Yeah" she replied, her smile matching his.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The trees were racing by them, the autumn colors mending into one blur of red, yellow and brown. The fog had started to disappear as they were approaching the water. Suddenly, between the trees, she spotted the blue of the ocean. She smiled. There was something calming about the vast expand of water. Growing up in Connecticut, the ocean became her friend, a big, quiet companion that she respected and feared at the same time.

"It's so beautiful" she mumbled, her breath fogging the window. She turned back to see him smile, his eyes on the road.

He reached out towards her without turning his face, motioning her to come closer and she obliged, sliding next to him and leaning her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes sighing.

It felt so peaceful at this moment. All her problems, her life, the stress of last week seemed to fade, as if something they had left behind when they left that morning.

"We should be there pretty soon" he said quietly.

She hummed in response. She wouldn't have minded if the ride would have taken longer, it felt too nice to sit there with him in silence taking in the beautiful scenery passing them by.

"What do you want to do first?" he asked.

"Eat" she stated bluntly.

"Why am I not surprised?" he chuckled.

She smiled as well.

"Don't you think this is all so strange?" she asked, her voice small.

"What?" he asked, his brows furrowed, not understanding what she was referring to.

"Us" she replied simply.

He glanced down at her with a slightly worried expression.

"How we just found each other?" she went on, her voice quiet against the hum of the engine "How it just all fell into place? Isn't it strange?"

He sighed, his eyes fixed on the road ahead.

"It is" he replied.

She looked up at him.

"Do you ever wonder how it all just happened?" she asked, her voice astonished.

He exhaled and shrugged his shoulders lightly.

"I don't know, maybe you can't explain everything. Maybe you're not supposed to. Maybe you're just supposed to accept it and be happy"

"Still, doesn't it make you worried?" she went on, not able to drop the subject.

He chuckled and shrugged again opening his mouth, but not knowing what to say.

"It's bound to fall apart, isn't it?" she said quietly, placing her head back on his shoulder "Happiness, I mean"

"Don't say that" he whispered, his tone hurt.

"I mean, look at this week" she went on.

"It was a rough week Rory, but let's not think about that now"

"But don't you think that's how it is? If you are happy, something is bound to happen to screw it up?"

"No" he replied, his voice determined "not necessarily"

"So you think this is going to last?" she asked with a small smile, her voice quiet again.

"I don't know" he said "but I don't think worrying about losing it is the right thing to do"

"So you are just gonna take it as it goes and not worry about anything?" she asked.

"It worked so far" he replied.

"Do you ever plan ahead with anything?"she asked, fiddling with the hem of his sweater.

He groaned.

"I'm not good at it"

She thought about that. Up to this point in her life she always felt like she had to plan everything. But lately, she realized that not everything can be planed, not everything can be charted and predicted.

"Hey" he said, pulling her closer and kissing the top of her head "This is our weekend off, let's enjoy it, okay?"

She smiled nodding.

"So what did you tell your parents?" she asked, suddenly curious.

"Uhm... you know, that I'd be away" he replied uncomfortably.

"Really? And they accepted that?" she said pulling away slightly in order to look at him.

He cleared his throat, shifting his weight.

"Well... I haven't exactly talked to my dad. But I told my mom"

"Yeah?" she said, waiting for him to go on.

"Well yeah, I ran into her in the kitchen on my way out"

"So you weren't going to tell them at all?" she asked.

"What kind of a secret get-away would it be if everyone knew about it?" he asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Tristan" she said, her voice suddenly worried "you are in enough trouble already with your dad as it is..."

He broke her off.

"Rory. My mom knows. It will be fine"

"So what did she say?" she asked.

"Uhm, you know, dress up properly, don't leave the car unlocked, that sort of thing" he joked.

"Tristan" she repeated his name again.

"Geez, lighten up, Rory. She was fine. She grilled me on where I was going an with whom, but then I gave her the right answers and she let me go, okay?" he said, suddenly annoyed.

"So what did you tell her?" she asked, her voice playful.

He chuckled.

"Hey, that looks like a nice place to eat" he said smiling.

"No, tell me, what did you say to her?" she protested.

"You up for fish? I am sure they have great fish here" he went on, ignoring her demanding to answer her.

"Tristan!" she tried to persuade him, but he wouldn't give in.

He pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant he picked out and turned off the engine, getting out of the car swiftly.

Rory followed him, acknowledging the numbness in her legs from the long drive.

"Okay, seriously, why can't you just tell?" she pushed her luck, her voice annoyed.

He spun around, his face in a wicked grin.

"Seriously, why can't you just drop it? You and your questions, woman, you are driving me mad" he said laughing.

"Now, can we just go and have something to eat, I am starving" he said turning back towards the entrance of the restaurant leaving Rory looking after him frustrated.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She stood on the sandy beach, the waves crashing creating a steady murmur engulfing them. It was already late in the afternoon, the light becoming stark, like it only does in cool autumn days. She looked out over the water inhaling the salty smell of the air. The lighthouse to their right stood tall bathed in the orange light of the setting sun, vivid against the blue of the sky.

She turned back to look at him, leaning against the hood of his car parked on the shore, his face slightly weary. The setting sun lit up his skin, his eyes closed as though he was enjoying the last bit of warmth elicited by the setting sun. He looked tired.

"You okay?" she asked concerned.

"Hmm?" he said opening his eyes to peek at her.

She stepped closer to him and sighed relieved as she felt his hand grab her arm to pull her closer. Her hands went up to his chest instinctively.

"Yeah, I'm good, just a little tired from all the driving" he said, his voice low, his eyes closing again.

"You want to find a place to stay for the night?" she asked timidly.

He opened his eyes again to look at her arching an eyebrow.

"Already ready for bed?" he asked suggestively and she slapped his arm playfully.

"Seeing you are ready to fall asleep leaning against the hood of your car, I think you are the one who's ready for bed" she fired back, pushing herself away from him and going around to sit in the car, waiting for him to follow.

He sighed and stretched, then followed her into the car starting the engine.

"So what do you have in mind?" he asked "Cheap motel? Scenic Bed and Breakfast? Five star hotel?"

She shrugged.

"Let's just take the first thing we see. It worked so far for this trip" she said.

He smiled starting the engine, stirring the car back onto the road.

She strained her eyes trying to make out the sign that she saw approaching. It looked like a some kind of a hotel, but she couldn't make out, with the light already fading and darkness slowly creeping in around them.

"Uhm, you sure you want the first place we find?" he asked amused and she tried to read the sign.

"The New London Newlywed Suites" she read astonished.

"Complete with indoor whirlpools" he added.

She chuckled.

"Why do they even have that here? Surely, this is not a honeymoon hot spot. Plus, what do they do, check to see if you're newlywed and if not, refuse to accommodate you?" she asked bewildered.

"I guess we'll see" he said amused as he took the exit, pulling up to the office of the complex.

He got out of the car and waited for her to follow her. They stepped into the hallway that was painted a bright pink with white porcelain swans for decoration and a small, cheap looking fountain in the middle of the hall.

She heard him chuckle lightly.

"Oh my god, this must be the tackiest place on earth" he mused "I love it"

She laughed and followed him to the empty counter. The whole place looked deserted.

He pushed the bell on the counter waiting for the familiar sound, but instead they got an electronic rendition of the wedding march. He cracked up looking back at her incredulous and she walked up behind him, placing her arms around his waist and burying her face in his back. She exhaled feeling the soft leather of his jacket and held him close.

"Can you believe this?" he said taking in all of the little details around them.

She chuckled, not releasing her hold. She loved the fact that he was so amused by this place.

"Oh, hi, how are you?" they heard a man say out of breath and they both looked to identify the source. It was a middle aged, bald man, no doubt in a hurry to get back to the counter from who knows were.

"Hi" she heard Tristan say "we'd like a room"

She peeked over his shoulders, still clinging on to him from behind, to see the man, who was quite surprised by his request.

"A room? An actual room? For the night?" he asked non believing.

"Uhm, yeah" Tristan said disturbed "Do you not have any free rooms?"

"Of course! Of course we have free rooms!" the man exclaimed a bit overenthusiastic.

"Okay, we'll take one for the night then" Tristan said, taking out his wallet.

"Oh? Are you two newlyweds?" the man asked smiling widely.

Rory chuckled lightly into Tristan's back.

"Well, we are engaged to be married this summer, and you know, we're just looking around to pick out a place for the honeymoon. And you know, this place just caught our attention" he said and Rory had a hard time suppressing a laugh hearing how fluently he lied.

"Oh!" the man said happily "well, in that case, we'll give you our special suite. It happens to be free tonight"

"Oh, what luck, hear that honey?" Tristan said turning back to shoot Rory a meaningful glance, who had great trouble controlling her laughter.

"It is a lovely room, looking out into the ocean, with wonderful romantic decoration and a wonderful whirlpool that you can enjoy. We have a complementary breakfast that we serve at... uhm... what time do you want it?"

"Uhm" Tristan turned back from Rory, to look at the man "well, I'm sure you have a time period, so all the guest can come"

The man looked around nervously.

"Well... it seems to be a... uhm... slow weekend, so there are not a lot of guests around"

"Ahh" Tristan said "right, it's not exactly wedding season" he offered as Rory buried her face once again in his back shaking from laughter.

"You know what?" Tristan said "don't worry about us. We might sleep in late, we'll just take care of breakfast for ourselves"

"Alright then" the man said relieved and went on to explain about the room keys and parking spots and check out times.

Rory listened to Tristan talk to the man, with a content smile. She realized she's never really seen him interact with people outside of the school. She realized he liked everything about him, his wit, his quick responses, his subtle cynicism that she could still pick up.

"Alright, well thank you" Tristan's words pulled her out of her thoughts as he turned towards the exit, pulling her along.

"Can you believe this place?" he said amused under his breath as he held out the door for her to pass through.

She chuckled.

"We are so coming back here for our honeymoon" he said amused.

"Oh yeah?" she asked "Already planing our honeymoon?" she went on amused, knowing it was all a joke, still the fact that he would say something like that made her smile.

"Well, whenever it happens, this place will have to be the destination" he said smiling.

"You better start looking for engagement rings then, I am not sure how long this place will be in business" she said.

"This is it" he said, looking at the room with the number 7 on it. He opened the door with the key he got at the counter.

He flicked on the light switch and light flooded the room. They stood in the doorway taking it in.

"Wow" he said looking at the bright red walls, covered with cheesy pictures of couples strolling on the beach, holding hands or dancing, probably the same pictures that came with the frames in the store. The room was simple enough with a king sized bed, covered with a quilt of red hearts and pink flowers, a nightstand on both sides of the bed.

He walked in and she followed, closing the door, still speechless.

He jumped up on the bed kicking his shoes off and stretching merrily. He closed his eyes sighing.

"God, I'm tired" he mumbled.

She dropped her bag on the floor, still staring at the different parts of the room.

She walked over to the bathroom flicking on the light switch.

"This is the indoor whirlpool?" she asked incredulous looking at the simple white bathroom "this is a bathtub"

She heard him chuckle from the room and she went back to join him on the bed.

He pulled her in, not opening his eyes.

"Doesn't matter, the bed is fantastic" he mumbled, obviously spent from the long day of him driving and trying to find this place.

"I don't know, does it look very clean to you?" she asked rising slightly, to look at the covers concerned.

He pulled her back down, still not opening his eyes.

"No one slept in this bed for years, I'm sure" he chuckled.

"Except for the cockroaches" she mumbled.

He chuckled again and pulled her on top of him. He opened his eyes lazily and kissed her gently.

"Hey" he said looking up at her. She had her eyes closed enjoying the unexpected kiss.

"Hey" she replied, opening her eyes. She looked down at him, a slow smile creeping on her face.

"What?" he asked smiling.

"I wish I had a camera" she said.

He arched an eyebrow with a smirk appearing on his face.

"Really?" he said.

"Yeah. This is perfect. This day" she said.

"Well" he said "it's official" he went on digging in his pocket "I am the one for you"

He pulled out a disposable camera from his pocket as her eyes widened.

"When did you get this?" she asked surprised.

"At the diner while you were in the restroom. They had a machine full of these. Thought you wanted to take some picks of your lighthouse. I just forgot about it till now"

She giggled delighted and slid off of him to lay next to him on the bed.

She reached out her hand above them holding the camera and he chuckled.

She took a picture, the flash blinding them both for a second and she giggled again.

He chuckled, as if enjoying the fact how easy it was to please her and he turned to her, pulling her in for a kiss. The camera flashed again and she giggled as he opened his eyes seeing she took another photo with the camera pointed at them just when he kissed her.

"Okay, I am taking it away now" he said laughing as he got the camera from her and stuffed it in his pocket again despite her disappointed protest.

"You are six years old" he mumbled closing his eyes again.

She sighed happily, her hands going up to his face, her fingers tracing his jawline, grazing the skin gently. She saw him relax under her touch, the lines of his face gently easing. She ran her hand through his hair and enjoyed the smell she came to know so well. The mix of his cologne, his leather jacket and cigarettes.

She smiled lightly and thought about how little time it takes for someone to become so important.

She saw him smile and she blushed as if he could have just seen into her thoughts.

"You are formulating one of your questions again, aren't you?" he said, his words slightly slurred.

She chuckled lightly.

"Admit it, you love them" she replied and saw his smile widen.

"They're right up there with Monday mornings and green peas, yeah" he replied.

He opened his eyes and looked at her, brushing hair back from her face.

"Come on, spill it" he said amused.

"For your information, I have no questions to ask you right now" she stated.

"That's not even possible" he mused.

"Fine, I am sure I can think of one if you insist" she said arching an eyebrow.

He pulled her in close, kissing her.

"That's okay, I'll manage without one" he mumbled nibbling on her lower lip.

She pulled away to look at his face again.

"How come you never ask any?" she said.

"It's sort of your prerogative" he chuckled resting his eyes again.

"You never ask anything about my past" she stated, her voice small, seeing his face become serious as he sighed.

It was true, even after their encounter with Dean, he never once asked about him or the two of them together. It's not like she minded. She sort of sensed him tensing whenever the subject of Dean came up. She didn't really know the reason for it. Well, their tension filled encounter at the library would probably be reason enough.

He exhaled as if not knowing what to say.

"I don't want to know anything about it" he finally said, his eyes still closed, as if it took him great strength to stay awake.

"Why not?" she asked, her curiosity getting a hold of her.

He opened his eyes as if coming back from sleep, his eyes focusing slowly on her and he struggled to get a reply out.

"Because" he stated simply "I don't want to know"

"You don't want to know about me and Dean?" she asked furrowing her brows.

He frowned at the sound of his name, closing his eyes again.

"We were having such a good day too" he said annoyed.

"It's a part of my life" she said defensive.

"I know that" he said sighing.

"You once told me I don't have to worry about the people you've been with. That I should even be thankful because they made you who you are today" she rambled.

"I know" he said breaking her off "I am aware. I am not worried about him. But I don't have to like the fact you were with him" he stated simply.

She looked at him studying his face as he rubbed his temples, his eyes still closed.

"You are jealous" she said, her voice slightly surprised.

He scoffed and opened his eyes shaking his head lightly.

"You are" she repeated "Why are you jealous?" she asked.

"I am not" he said, his voice frustrated.

She just looked at him, her face still in a surprised expression.

He exhaled frustrated and groaned as if he were cursing himself for getting into one of these conversations again.

"It's different" he finally got the words out.

"What is?" she narrowed her eyes trying to understand.

"I was with dozens of people, but I didn't have someone for a year, someone that I lost my virginity to and someone who had trouble giving me up even weeks after we broke up" he said, closing his eyes again, his tone slightly bitter.

She stared at him, her breath caught in her chest. She never realized he could be feeling like this. He always seemed so sure about the two of them, always the one to reassure her, always confident. She realized he had his doubts too.

"It's over between me and him" she said quietly.

"I know" he said confidently.

"Then..." she started but he broke her off again.

"But I just don't want to be reminded" he said, his voice serious.

She moved closer and felt him tense as she touched his cheeks again lightly.

"I'm with you" she whispered and saw him squeeze his eyes and exhale lightly. He pulled her closer, his arms around her waist.

"I know" he whispered as he kissed her, this time not so gentle. His tongue forced her mouth open and he kissed her passionately. It sent shivers down her spine and she obeyed his silent request for control.

She broke away gasping for air and watched his face as he exhaled, still not opening his eyes.

"Did you want to call your parents?" he said, the sudden change of topic catching her off guard.

She looked at him wondering whether this was his way of trying to not talk about this anymore.

"Uhm, yeah... I guess I should" she mumbled.

He opened his eyes again lazily pulling her in to kiss her forehead gently.

"I saw a phone booth in the hall" he said.

"Okay" she said rising from the bed.

She got up and straightened her clothes as he moved around the bed to make himself more comfortable.

She walked towards the door then turned back suddenly.

"Uhm..." she started but she was cut off once again.

"You want the camera to take pictures of the hall, right?" he asked amused, his eyes closed again.

She chuckled at the fact he knew her so well, her mood suddenly lighter.

"Yeah" she replied reaching for the camera that he dug out from his pocket again "Thanks" she said planting a quick kiss on his lips.

She walked towards the door and opened it, the sound of his voice stopping her.

"I told her I was in love" he stated matter of factly.

She spun around, her hand attached to the doorknob.

"What?" she stared at him, not certain he actually said something, seeing him lay on the bed with his eyes closed.

"My mom. That's why she let me go without making a fuss" he said opening his eyes, a small smile creeping on his face "I told her I was in love"

"Oh" was all she could manage staring at him.

"She said it was about time" he smiled closing his eyes again and she smiled watching him for a second before she slipped out.

xxxxxxxxx

She slid back into the room quietly to find him lying in the same position on the bed. She walked over to him, hearing the steady rhythm of his breathing as he slept. She sat down to watch him, trying to ignore the fluttering feeling in her stomach she still felt whenever she looked at him.

She realized she's never seen him sleep. Somehow it was always her to fall asleep first.

He looked so peaceful, as if this was his chance to let his guards down.

She smiled lightly, then sighed glancing around.

She found it odd, that a place like this would be her asylum, her shelter from the world at least for one night. But that's what it felt like.

There was a strange feeling growing in the pit of her stomach, like when you feel that something bad is going to happen, not knowing what exactly, but something bad. That was the reason why she hurried back into the room. To be close to him, even if he wasn't awake.

And maybe that's the reason she didn't talk to her parents either.

She got as far as dialing the number, but hung up the phone when she heard it ring. She just couldn't do it. She didn't quite know why.

She got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom. She sat on the ledge of the so called whirlpool. It was a big bathtub basically, but inviting nevertheless, and she suddenly felt an urge to take a hot bath. She leaned in examining the tub, not quite knowing if it was safe to take a bath in a hotel bathtub. She concluded it seemed clean enough, so she drew the bath and undressed slowly.

She stepped into the tub and enjoyed her body slowly surrendering to the warm water surrounding it. She exhaled and closed her eyes, washing herself of the dust of the journey.

She looked up suddenly feeling his gaze upon her. He stood in the doorway, leaning against the door frame, clad in only his boxers and a thin shirt clinging to his strong body. He examined her, his eyes traveling up and down her naked form.

It surprised her, how she stood his gaze without blushing or feeling embarrassed. She never used to be confident about her body. But that didn't happen with him. She just didn't feel self-conscious. It was like he was in charge of her, owned her and there was nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of.

She watched his face, stern and still ruffled from sleep, wordless. She smiled inwardly. He always seemed to pick up on her mood from one glance, knowing when to speak and when not to. She exhaled slowly, closing her eyes for a second. It was suddenly overwhelming, how everything in her life seemed shaky, unsure, except for him.

She opened her eyes to see him move slowly inside, taking his shirt off and then pulling his boxers down as well.

He stepped into the bathtub to sit down facing her, stretching out his legs and pulling her into his lap to straddle him. She obeyed silently, her body light in the water.

He buried his face in the crook of her neck, inhaling her smell and she sighed feeling his warm skin against hers.

He kissed her, his lips finding hers and brushing against them lightly. It was soft and gentle, his wet hands going up to the back of her head pulling her down to deepen the kiss.

She rested her forehead against his, her eyes closed.

"I wish I could just stay here forever" she whispered, her voice cracking.

"I know" she heard his reply, quiet and solemn, knowing he knew she didn't mean the place or even the time.

"I love you" she said, her voice barely audible.

He cupped her face with his hands making her open her eyes, meeting his icy blue gaze.

"I love you too" he said and kissed her again, the words trembling through her body and making her want to hold onto him tight as though by doing that she could somehow make this last forever.


	20. A pull stronger than gravity

She opened the door, the light making her squint as it hit her face. She felt the chill and shivered slightly as she stepped outside of the hotel room.

She saw him instantly. Sitting on the hood of his car facing the beach. She walked over to him and saw that he was hunching over a drawing board, looking up towards the lighthouse every now and then.

She tried to see the drawing as she reached the car.

"Hey" he said smiling, putting away the drawing and reaching out a hand to help her up to sit beside him.

"Hey" she said, her voice still hoarse from sleep.

"Got enough sleep?" he said smirking and she rolled her eyes.

"It wasn't that much" she said mumbling.

"Twelve hours" he exclaimed "twelve hours you slept!"

She blushed slightly.

"You've been up for long?" she asked timidly peeking over him, trying to see the drawing he had been working on.

He smiled.

"Yeah, for a while" he replied.

"What are you working on?" she asked, her eyes sparkling with curiosity.

He laughed and lifted the drawing for her to see.

"I figured you probably wasted all the pictures on the porcelain swans" he said amused as he handed her the drawing.

It was a sketch of the beach with the lighthouse.

"Wow, Tristan, this is beautiful" she said amazed as her eyes travelled across the drawing.

"It's nothing" he said amused as he traced the lines of her face with a hand.

She looked up at him shocked.

"How can you say that? You are so talented"

"God, this is gonna send you on another rant on me and architecture, right?" he joked wincing.

She glared at him then went back to admiring his drawing.

"So what do you think, should we go over there and try our luck?" he said pulling her close and looking out towards the lighthouse.  
She looked up from the drawing, her eyes coming to rest on the lighthouse, tall, white, seagulls circling it as the waves crashed on the rocks by its feet. She felt some weird calm when concentrating on that white against the dark blue autumn sky, and some unknown pull.

"Yeah" she whispered.

"Okay" he said, kissing the top of her head, then sliding off the hood "but let's go get some breakfast first... well, more like lunch"

"Oh stop it, it's not that late" she said smiling.

He looked at his wristwatch dramatically.

"11:27, if I read correctly" he stated.

She rolled her eyes sliding of the hood as well.

"Can I drive?" she asked innocently and laughed when she saw Tristan freeze.

"The car?" he asked seriously.

"Yeah?" she replied amused by his response.

"My car? You want to drive my car?" he asked.

"Ooooh, and suddenly the relationship came to a screeching halt" she mused.

He scoffed, blinking several times.

"It's not that... I am perfectly fine...you have a licence, right?" he rambled.

"Yeah" she said shrugging "I just never drive" she said.

"How come?" he asked suspiciously.

"There was this incident" she said shrugging again.

"Why am I not liking the sound of this?" he mumbled staring at her.

"It was nothing, mom was distracting me and I ran into a car in front of us..."

"You are so not driving my car" he broke her off.

"Oh come on!"

"You caused an accident!" he yelled.

"It wasn't an accident, it was an incident. No one was hurt. There was a small dent in the car and that's it" she scoffed.

"Is that why you take the bus now?" he asked arching an eyebrow.

She scoffed again.

"Well... dad said he didn't feel comfortable with me having my own car yet... but if I take some more lessons... oh, forget it" she said tossing her hands in the air seeing Tristan break into a full blown grin.

"You are adorable. Possible danger to society, but adorable" he said laughing.

She glared at him.

"Just unlock the car, smart ass" she said annoyed.

"Here" he said, tossing her the keys "you do it"

"I am most certainly not driving now" she said hurt "not after you grill me about one little mistake I made because my mother was going on and on about Brad and Jennifer"

"Baby, you can drive my car" he said approaching her and pulling her close even as she crossed her arms in front of her chest pouting. He kissed her and slowly her defenses melted, her body reacting to his touch.

"You can drive it off a fucking cliff as long as I get to kiss you" he mumbled in between kisses and she smiled.

"You will do no such thing" she stated in mock seriousness "nothing to distract me" she went on detaching herself from his hold and unlocking the door of the car.

He looked on concerned.

"I'm gonna regret this, I know" he mumbled and laughed as she glared at him again.

He walked around and got in the car sitting into the passenger seat.

Rory sat in front of the wheel staring at the stick shift.

"What is this?" she asked.

Tristan chuckled.

"The stick shift" he said amused.

"This is a stick shift?" she asked, a look of panic in her eyes.

"Uhm, forgive me if I'm wrong, but haven't you been riding this car every day for the past 5 weeks?" he asked.

"Oh so that's why your hand is so busy all the time" she said suddenly enlightened.

"Yep" he said.

"Okay, I can't drive this" she said opening the door.

"Go ahead and try" he said chuckling.

"No" she said annoyed "there is all that business with the clutch and changing gears. What kind of an American guy are you anyways? Driving a stick shift"

He chuckled.

"Here, just step on the clutch as you put on the ignition, put it into first gear and slowly push on the gas as you let up the clutch" he explained pointing out everything to her.

"See? This is way too complicated" she said frustrated.

"Just try" he smiled reassuringly.

"Oookay" she said turning the ignition and hearing the motor screech.

"The clutch" he laughed.

"Right" she said trying again and grinning as the car started.

"Now put it into gear" he said, guiding her hand with his "and slowly let up the clutch"

She followed suit and the car moved slowly making her laugh out loud. The car came to a jerking halt.

She looked at him with a hurt expression.

"Eased up on the clutch too fast, try it again" he said amused.

She took a deep breath and tried again, this time succeeding and the car rolled gently across the parking lot.

"Oh my god, I did it... what do I do now?" she said grinning.

He laughed out loud.

"Second gear?" he chuckled.

"What?" she asked turning towards him confused.

He guided her hand.

"Don't forget the clutch" he said.

The car changed into second gear and picked up speed as they rolled towards the exit.

"Hah! I am driving" she said smiling happily and he looked on amused.

"You sure are" he agreed.

They reached the exit, connecting to a road.

"Oh my god, there is another car coming" she hissed and stepped on the break, the car coming to a jerking halt again as the engine died.  
He laughed out loud.

"Yeah, that tends to happen on the road" he pointed out.

"Okay, that's it" she said opening her door and getting out "way too many things to concentrate on with a stick shift" she mumbled as she walked around to his side.

"Oh come on, you're just gonna give up?" he asked.

"I am not giving up, I am just being realistic. I am an automatic kind of girl"

He got out laughing and walked over to take her place sitting in and starting it effortlessly.

"Alright" he said revving the engine "hold on then".

She smiled as he stirred the car out onto the road.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I wonder how long it takes them" she said looking towards the counter.

"You ordered half the menu, Rory, it might take them a little while" he chuckled.

She looked at him smiling a warm smile.

"I'm liking this trip" she said quietly.

"Yeah, me too" he said gazing at her.

"Hey, did you talk to your parents last night?" he said suddenly and Rory's face tightened.

She sighed looking away.

"Rory. You didn't call them?" he asked bewildered.

"I was going to, but then I didn't. I was in such a good mood"

"Rory" he said, suddenly serious "I don't want you to get into trouble with your parents"

"I am sure they don't mind" she mumbled.

"I am sure they wouldn't have minded, but I am also sure they are worried sick, so please..."

"Fine" she said breaking him off, sliding out of their booth.

She didn't look at him anymore, not being able to stand his accusing stare. She sighed walking towards the payphone on the wall a couple of feet away from their booth. There was a reason she didn't call them the night before. She couldn't quite grasp what that reason was, but she suddenly had a horrible feeling about what the conversation is going to go like. She realized they would be worried, pissed even.

She lifted the receiver and put some change into the phone, dialing the number.

She sighed as she heard her mother's voice pick up after only a second of ringing.

"Rory?" she heard her say frustrated.

"Hey, mom" she mumbled turning her back towards Tristan who was looking at her concerned.

"Oh thank god Rory, I was so worried" Lorelai said with relief in her voice.

"I left a note, mom" she said, her voice small.

"A note? You leave a note saying you are going on a trip with your crazy rebel of a boyfriend and don't even call and leave me to imagine scenarios where you run into a tree with that stupid ass car of his, or or... run off a cliff... or..."

"Mom" she said closing her eyes, suddenly tired.

"Where are you?"

"We are in New London mom, we are just on an excursion, there is no need for you to worry"

"Rory. You get caught making out at the bleachers, I get called into your school, you act all wallowy and then just take off because this guy has a hunch to go road tripping..." she rambled.

"Tristan, mom. He has a name" she said.

"Rory" her mother said frustrated "you can't just do this"

"Why not? Why can't I be careless and young and happy for a change?"

"Because this isn't you" Lorelai replied frustrated.

"How do you know?" she snapped.

"I know you. I've known you since you were born, I know you better than you know yourself"

"Maybe not" she cut her off.

There was a silence at the end of the line.

"Maybe you don't know me anymore. Maybe I've changed, or maybe you've been concentrating on other things or maybe even I don't know who I am anymore and maybe it all doesn't matter and it would all be fine if you wouldn't make it seem like I am this big problem all of a sudden" she said glancing around the diner, her voice raising.

"Stop making it seem like this is his fault. I am doing nothing that I don't want to, he is not forcing me or making me do things that I don't want to" she went on.

She heard her mother's breathing at the end of the line.

"Fine" Lorelai said, her voice reflecting hurt and concern "when will you be home?" she asked, her voice small.

"I'll be home by tonight" she replied.

"Okay" Lorelai whispered and hung up.

Rory sighed, replacing the receiver.

She took a deep breath and turned back to walk back to their booth avoiding his gaze. She figured he heard most of her side of the conversation.

She slid into the booth and buried her face in her hands.

She heard him rise from his seat and slide in next to her, pulling her into a hug. She sighed, closing her eyes as she eased into his hold.  
"You want to head back?" he asked concerned.

"No" she said determined "I want to see the lighthouse"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Rory, you okay?" she heard him ask and she turned back to see him standing there, his face concerned.

She smiled wryly as an answer, not trusting her voice to be stable enough.

She turned back towards the wall of the lighthouse, her hand running along it as she walked around the building.

They arrived a short time ago after a silent drive, finding it closed. Not surprising, since the brochure did say it was not opened to the public. Still she felt disappointed. Somehow, she had a strange feeling inside of her, something telling her she needed to get inside.

"Maybe we should just get back" his voice pulled her out of her thoughts and she looked at him again.

He stepped closer to her.

"You seem troubled since the phone call. Let's just go back and explain it to them" he said.

"There is nothing to explain" she said and turned back towards the lighthouse, resuming her walk around it, stumbling on the large rocks.

"What are you two doing out here?" a female voice rang out and both of them turned towards the keeper's house.

An elder woman stood in front of the house looking over at them, her grey hair blowing in the wind.

"Sorry, ma'am" Tristan said "we just wanted to see the lighthouse"

"This is private territory" the woman replied.

"We realize and we're sorry.." he went on, his voice polite and calm.

"I wanted to see it" Rory said, the woman arching an eyebrow curiously.

"I saw a picture of it yesterday and it just stuck in my mind. There is something about it. I had to come and see it even though we knew it was closed" she said, her voice strong, confident.

Tristan looked back at her and she thought she saw a flash of concern in his eyes, but she was concentrating on the old lady who was staring at her.

"Do you think we can go inside?" she asked, suddenly determined.

The old woman smiled.

"The tower is closed to the public" she replied.

"You have a key, don't you?" she asked, gazing back at the lady intently.

The old woman narrowed her eyes studying Rory.

"Why is it so important that you go inside?" she asked, her voice slightly more friendly.

"I don't know..." she replied.

The old woman sighed.

"I shouldn't even have a key" she said walking over to the door on the side of the tower "since the Maritime Society bought it" she mumbled as she pulled out an old, rusty key to unlock the padlock on the heavy metallic door "I suppose I could let you kids in, but don't tell anyone"

She stepped aside opening the door and Rory walked towards the entrance mumbling a thank you to the lady. She looked back to see Tristan follow her, his face worried.

Once inside, she stopped for a second, her eyes adjusting to the dim space, making out a spiral staircase leading up into the top.

"Rory" she heard Tristan whisper behind her but she ignored him, walking up the stairs, some strange force pulling her to climb them.  
Her heart rate picked up as she took the steps faster, her head slightly dizzy from going in circles. She could hear Tristan follow him.  
She reached the end of the stairs and saw a doorway, the light from outside streaking through the cracks. She felt her way in the dark, finding the door handle and opening the door.

She stepped out onto the top floor of the lighthouse, the sound of crashing waves and seagulls suddenly filling her ears, the strong salty wind blowing her hair. She stared out into the open sea, the sky darkened by heavy clouds, the water mirroring its dark blue color.

She felt Tristan behind her, his hand coming to rest on the small of her back protectively.

She stepped closer to the ledge, guarded only by a simple metal rail, her hands grasping it. The sight left her breathless, her heart pounding away and she sensed it wasn't just because of the climb up the stars.

She leaned forward slowly peeking down seeing the waves crash on the rocks by the side of the lighthouse.

"Rory" she heard his voice, concerned.

She looked back at him, his face serious and she narrowed her eyes studying his face. He stood there as if he were frozen in his spot, his eyes looking from her feet to her face and back.

"Don't lean out so far" he said, his voice seemingly calm, but she could sense the worry, his eyes matching the dark blue of the sky and the sea.

She turned back towards the sea amused, her head slightly dizzy.

"I'm fine" she whispered, more to herself than to him as she looked down again, her body leaning against the rail, her hands grasping it as her upper body hovered out over nothing, the sense of height suddenly giving her a strange rush and she felt her mind go blank as her body seemed to move forward.

"Rory" she heard him yell and then his strong pull from behind jerking her back from almost falling over the ledge. He fell back against the wall pulling her with him. Adrenaline surged through her body, her legs going week as clarity set in. Her heart pounding she felt tears streaking down her face, sobs escaping her lips.

She felt him pull her in into his hold, his chest rising and falling heavily.

"It's okay, baby, it's okay, everything's fine" he repeated breathless, frantically, his hands running up and down her back.

She let go, as if all the pain had found a way breaking up from deep inside, her body shaking as she cried in his arms uncontrollably.

She felt a strange feeling of detachment as if she were watching herself from outside of her body, not being able to control her own actions or feelings.

"Rory" Tristan whispered, trying to calm her as she lay in his arms crying "please, talk to me"

She heard his voice but it felt like it was coming from a thousand miles away, her mind clouded and her body unwilling to obey.

She felt herself sink as he rocked her gently whispering in her ears, but calmness didn't seem to come.

"I want my mom" she whimpered.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lorelai rushed to the door as she heard the car come to a screeching halt in front of the house. Somehow she just knew it was them.

She tore the door open, stepping out into the dark evening not bothering about the cold, her steps quick and determined.

She saw Tristan get out and walk quickly to the passenger seat opening the door to help Rory out.

"What the hell happened?" she yelled, her blood boiling in her veins.

"I... I don't know" Tristan said confused as he pulled Rory out, her body limp, her fingers shaking, her face pale, her eyes red and fixed into nothing.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" she yelled frustrated reaching them, her hand wiping away the hair from Rory's face.

"Rory, sweetie, please talk to me" she said desperately as Rory closed her eyes, still crying softly.

"She just looked like she was going to jump and... she ... I didn't know how to stop her crying... I just can't get to her" Tristan rambled, his voice trembling.

"Oh my god" they heard Christopher rushing out of the house "what happened?"

"Take her into the house, Chris" Lorelai said, her voice suddenly serious, determined.

"What did he do?" Chris raged.

"Just take her inside" Lorelai said, her voice calm.

Chris sighed obeying her, lifting Rory gently from her feet and walking back towards the house carrying her in his arms.

Lorelai turned back to look at Tristan who was standing there, his face troubled and perplexed.

"I... I just don't know what happened" he said frustrated, his chest still rising and falling heavily.

Lorelai stared at him, her expression becoming cold.

"She is sick" she said "and needs help"

Tristan cursed under his breath, pacing in small circles on the lawn, his hands trembling.

"No" he resisted frustrated "I know she's not sick, she just..."

She cut him off.

"This isn't teenage mood swings, Tristan"

"She just needs us to be there for her" he said, his voice raising but unsure.

"You can't help her. We can't help her. We can stand by her, but she needs help"

He looked at her opening his mouth to speak but then giving up closing his eyes.

"I thought it would be enough..." he whispered but trailed off.

"We need to find help for her" Lorelai said, her voice hurt but strong.

He collapsed on the lawn, sitting down and running a hand through his hair, cursing again.

Lorelai looked on for a second thinking. She sighed and turned back to the house walking inside leaving him.


	21. But we're not the same

"How are you, Rory?"

"Fine"

"Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday?"

"No... I'd rather not"

"Why is that?"

"I just don't know what I could say... I don't really even remember"

"You remember leaving your home?"

"Yeah, I remember all that... just not the lighthouse..."

"The lighthouse?"

"Yeah"

"What happened at the lighthouse?"

"I don't know. I can't remember"

"Alright. Let's talk about something else then. How you've been feeling lately. In general"

"I don't see the point in this"

"Rory, a lot of people are worried about you. You know that right?"

"Yeah"

"Everybody wants to see you happy. They are trying to help"

"I hate to be a disappointment for everyone"

"That was a bit cynical"

"Yeah, well, cynicism runs in the family"

"Does it?"

"Look, I know this constant question asking is supposed to get me talking and have a breakthrough where I profess that my dog was stolen from me when I was two and I have deep scars because of that, which explain why I've been acting like a total weirdo lately, but I don't believe that, okay?"

"So you think your bad mood is not a consequence?"

"I can't really find a reason. It just happened"

"When did it happen?"

"I don't know. I can't really pinpoint a moment where I started feeling crappy"

"So it's totally inexplicable for you?"

"I don't know"

"Do you always feel that way? 'Crappy'?"

"No. I guess it comes and goes"

"Tell me about your boyfriend"

"What does he have to do with this?"

"He was with you yesterday"

"It wasn't his fault"

"You've been having problems?"

"No. God no. I am not some lame girl who wants to keep her boyfriend by pulling a stunt"

"I didn't say that. I was trying to ask you about your relationship"

"He is not the reason. I know everybody thinks that he is the reason I am messed up, but he is probably the only thing keeping me sane still"

"Why do you say that?"

"He is the only person who hasn't been telling me that I am weird, that there is something wrong with me and that I need help"

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because he doesn't think I am crazy? He seems to be the only one"

"Cynical again"

"Yeah, well you should get used to it"

"You don't think you need to be here talking to me?"

"I don't know. I..."

"Rory, forget what everybody thinks or says. How do you feel? Do you feel that there is something wrong with you?"

"I... I don't know. I know I am different. That I've changed"

"Do you like that change?"

"No. I don't think so. It's confusing"

"Do you think it has to be that way?"

"I don't know. Maybe this is what growing up is like. Maybe you start realizing that not everything is simple, black or white. That there are things you will never know for sure. That there are decisions where you will never know if it was right or wrong but you will just have to trust that it was right"

"Have these questions been bothering you for a long time?"

"I guess. I mean, I have to decide on a lot of things. A lot of things that I've decided long ago, but I am not sure that I am sticking to those decisions because I want to or just because I never dared to think about having other options"

"Are you talking about college?"

"College, life, everything. Is it possible that someone can realize that they have just been stuck playing a role? And that if they could do it all over again maybe their life would end up completely different?"

"Yes that is possible"

"I mean, what if for some stupid reason my parents wouldn't have gotten married? Or if I had wanted to be a ballerina and not a journalist? Or if I didn't want to go to Chilton? Would I be a different person? Would I be the same?"

"You can't really know the answers to these questions, Rory"

"Yeah, I guess you can't"

"Why does this bother you so much?"

"I don't know. Aren't you supposed to be all screwed up when you are a teenager?"

"You didn't used to be"

"Yeah, well, I still ended up like that. Does that scare them?"

"Who?"

"Everyone? That their perfect little girl is not stable and smart and happy, like they always thought she was?"

"Are you talking about your parents?"

"My parents, my grandparents, our friends, everyone"

"Do you think they expect you to be perfect?"

"I guess they just got used to it"

"Because you were always perfect?"

"Because I always tried to be"

"And now you're tired of being like that?"

"No... I guess I am just tired of ...being"

"Is that what you were thinking yesterday at the lighthouse?"

"I don't think I was thinking at the lighthouse"

"Does that scare you?"

"Yes"

"So what's gonna happen?"

"I don't know. I thought you were supposed to tell me that"

xxxxxxxxxx

"Mr. Hayden, Ms. Gilmore"

Lorelai looked up hearing her name and saw the counsellor step in through the door.

She got up from the couch she and Christopher had been occupying for the past two hours.

"I am done with the initial review" the woman said sitting down across from them.

"She seems to be doing a lot better today" Christopher blurted out "I mean, compared to yesterday"

Lorelai just sighed, an uneasy look in her eyes. She never ever thought she would be at a counsellor's office waiting to find out how Rory is. This just never ever was a possibility. She slumped back into her seat, a lump forming in her throat. She felt Chris squeeze her hand and it almost made her start to cry but she took a deep breath instead focusing on the woman in front of her.

"I think that Rory seems to be in a severe state of depression which ultimately lead to what we call a psychotic episode"

"Oh my god" Chris said, his eyes wide.

"You're saying she's crazy" Lorelai blurted out.

"No" the woman said, emphasizing the word as if trying to calm them both "that's not what I am saying"

Lorelai sighed frustrated and bit her lips trying to stay quiet.

"With any type of mood disorder, if extremely severe, there is a possibility that the individual loses their touch with reality. That seemed to happen to Rory. Now, she seems to be completely stable and well right now, but I think she is a very intelligent person who seems to balance out her emotional problems and we shouldn't be convinced she is fine just because she is acting rational right now. I think she will need ongoing therapy and personally, I think that she needs some medical treatment as well"

"How did this happen, why?" Christopher asked, his face distorted.

"It's really hard to evaluate the emotional state of someone in one sitting, but from what I gather, I think it's a combination of her pushing herself really hard to meet her own expectations and difficulty coping with the changes in her life"

"What does that mean?" Christopher asked.

"She is saying it's our fault" Lorelai said bitterly.

"No, that's not what I am saying, Ms. Gilmore. Rory is someone who's always been very driven. She has these huge goals and she's fought for them for a long time. She's worked really hard despite the fact that she's only a teenager. I don't think that it's strange, the fact that she would at one point feel like the pressure is just too much"

"But we never ever put that pressure on her" Lorelai said frustrated "does she think we expect her to be perfect?"

"I think she does. I think she is just so used to being perfect and impressing everyone that she thinks that it sort of became her role to meet those expectations. Even if they were placed upon her by herself"

"So we just tell her she doesn't need to do that anymore" Chris said.

"I don't think it's that simple, Mr. Hayden. Telling someone that it's okay to give up is not going to make them feel better. I think that we need to encourage her to reevaluate her goals and we also need to help her with a lot of the emotional turmoil she's been experiencing"

"What do you mean by that?" Lorelai asked wearily.

"I think she is dealing with a great deal of anxiety and depression and I think she should be treated for that"

"You want to put her on drugs?" Chris asked shocked.

"Yes, I think that is needed"

"Wow, okay, slow down. Isn't there therapy or I don't know, something else that we can do? Do we have to drug her senseless just because she is depressed?" Lorelai said raising her voice.

"I am not saying that. Look, you are her parents, it is ultimately your decision. Let me explain why I think it is necessary. Depression is a chemical disbalance, it is a disease just like diabetes or high blood pressure. Something that can be controlled by the right types of drugs. I have seen many people who needed this as an initial step in their treatment, to get them out of that low"

"I just...I... I don't see how we got here, I mean she was always so balanced, so happy, such a good kid and now you want to put her on drugs..."

"Ms. Gilmore, please, don't make this into more than it is. I personally think it would help her. It's not a lifelong treatment, it's not sedatives, it's not addictive, just something that might help her start to cope"

Lorelai turned towards Christopher desperately.

"I think we should try" Chris said and Lorelai looked on surprised "I mean, if she feels she would like to of course"

"Chris" Lorelai started unsure.

"No, Lor, I don't know her anymore. I thought everything was fine and now she is just so quiet and hurt and running off to feel better, this isn't right. Now maybe we haven't been paying attention, maybe we've been too busy with Matt or our work or our lives or maybe we were just in denial and didn't see the signs, but we gotta do whatever it takes to help her" he said passionately, his eyes sparkling.

Lorelai looked at him talk, tears welling in her eyes.

"She's our little girl" she whispered.

"I know. We are gonna help her" Chris said grabbing her hand "it's going to be alright"

"I think it's very important that you support her and let her know that also" the counsellor went on and Chris turned to her, his expression focused, determined and Lorelai just stared at him unable to tear herself away. He could always be tough if it was needed. She realized that. In the crucial moments of their lives, somehow he always found his confidence, something that helped her stay strong, and face everything.

She sighed and turned to face the counsellor as well paying attention to what she was saying.

"Now, I suggest that we put her back into her normal course of life as soon as possible, as soon as she is capable. Our experience shows that kids with a strong support network, a strong work ethic, a goal tend to improve better, tend to react more to treatment"

"How is this going to work?" Christopher asked.

"I think the best would be to get her started on some antidepressants and a mood stabilizer and get her back into school. She will of course need constant counselling, but given your background and her history, I think that we can be optimistic"

"So just go and pretend nothing happened?" Lorelai asked bewildered.

The woman sighed.

"No. Definitely not. Ignoring that there is a problem makes this worse, Ms. Gilmore. I suggest you try and talk to Rory, spend more time with her, get to understand her. It's important not to punish her for these feelings. You have to understand that this situation is not a cry for help or her forcing you to pay more attention to her. But it is a sign that her mood is a consequence of a brittle balance. You have to be ready for something like this happening"

"You are saying this will happen again?" Chris asked.

"It's impossible to tell. Maybe she'll go back to the completely balanced girl she always was. Maybe she never recovers. Maybe she shows bipolar symptoms. Only time will tell. Either way, your support, and those of everyone around her is crucial"

Lorelai sighed closing her eyes.

"Do you think she has a strong support system to help her through this?" the woman asked.

Chris looked at Lorelai and sighed.

"She has a childhood friend in our town, and she's always been friendly with everyone in Chilton.. although, perhaps lately she's been withdrawn... I honestly don't know if she has friends that could help her..." he said unsure.

"She has Tristan" Lorelai said quietly and Chris looked at her suddenly.

She looked at him smiling a wry smile.

"It's true. He seems to be the only one who can reach her nowadays"

"Her boyfriend?" the woman asked.

Lorelai smiled a bittersweet smile seeing Chris wincing hearing that term. He still had trouble understanding the sudden switch of boyfriends.

"Yes" Lorelai said and then laughed bitterly "although I'm not sure he isn't just as lost as Rory is"

"Well... maybe that is not a bad thing. Obviously, Rory seems to trust him if he's going through similar feelings"

"Yeah, I guess" Lorelai said furrowing her brows "that would explain how quickly they became so close"

"I suggest you appreciate any type of support she can get at this point" the woman said as she got up from her seat to walk out from the waiting room.

Lorelai stared at a spot on the floor in front of her as Chris pulled her close kissing the top of her head.

"What happened?" she whimpered.

"I don't know, Lor. I never thought she could..." he started but trailed off.

"She was so helpless. So lost" she cried burying her face in his chest.

"It's gonna be okay. Everything is going to be fine" he said, his voice shaky, but determined.

She nodded her head biting her lip to stop herself from crying, wishing he was right, wishing she would believe him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hey" she heard his voice, for the first time since she knew him unsure, and timid.

She looked up, sitting on her bed in her quiet room.

She smiled.

"That's the first time I've seen you use that door" she said amused and he smiled uncomfortably.

"Yeah, your mom let me in" he said pointing backwards as if trying to identify Lorelai.

He was still standing in the doorway, his uniform slightly ruffled. She smiled realizing he came straight from school.

"How was school?" she said staring at his uniform.

He shrugged and took a step towards her bed, unsure of what to do with himself.

"Same as ever" he said.

She dropped her gaze to the floor, her face becoming serious and he just stood there looking at her.

"I can't really remember what happened..." she started, catching him slightly off guard.

He looked at her undecided, waiting for her to go on.

"...at the lighthouse... you know" she said as if trying to clarify.

He sighed barley noticeable.

"I'm sorry if I scared you" she said, still not looking up.

He moved to her bed coming to sit next to her.

"There is nothing you have to be sorry for" he whispered, his hand reaching out to touch hers but then stopping midway as if he were afraid to break her.

"They said that... it's depression... that it can be treated" she looked up as if waiting for his permission.

He sighed opening his mouth to speak, but then changing his mind. He was staring at a spot on her bed as if contemplating something.

"Do you think that will help?" he finally asked, his voice quiet, barely audible.

She looked up at him uncertain.

"I don't know" she said "I just don't. I mean I feel the effect. Of what they've given me already. Last night, when I was... you know" she said closing her eyes.

"What does it feel like?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know. Numb, I guess. It takes that feeling away. The one that grips your chest. It's easier to breathe, I guess. But then everything else seems a little numb as well"

He looked at her, his expression slightly troubled.

"You don't think I should take them?" she asked, her eyes fixed on his.

He dropped his gaze going back to his favorite spot.

"I didn't say that" he said.

"You are thinking it" she replied.

He smiled frustrated.

"You read minds now?" he said trying to lighten the mood.

"You think you battled this without any help, you learned to control it without taking anything" she said, her eyes strangely fiery.

He sighed looking up at her.

"Maybe it wasn't the same thing" he said.

She looked at him unconvinced.

He sighed again, his hands grasping hers.

"Rory. Look. Whatever it takes... for you to feel better" he started, struggling with the words "it's fine. Just tell me it does make it better. Tell me it is better"

He looked into her eyes, his face concerned.

"I missed you" she said quietly.

He exhaled in relief as if he had been holding a breath in forever. He pulled her into a hug, squeezing her tight and inhaling her smell as if trying to memorize every single thing about her.

"I did too" he sighed.

"I just wish I knew what to do. What the right decision was" she mumbled into his hold.

He pulled away slightly.

"You'll make the right decision" he said quietly.

"How is that?" she asked looking up into his eyes.

"Every decision is right" he simply said.

She chuckled lightly.

"Oh yeah? How is that?" she asked, not believing him.

"Well" he sighed, his gaze dropping to her hand, his fingers playing with hers "I believe that every person finds the place where they should be. It's like entropy. Or gravity. You come to rest in the position that you were meant to be in. It's like water, finding it's way through the cracks to fill up that hole that it was meant to" he spoke slowly, his words flowing from his mouth effortlessly. She listened with her breath held, as if he were telling her some great truth, something that would explain everything.

"And it really doesn't matter how you got there" he looked up again, meeting her gaze "the way you got there is beside the point, because in the end it didn't make a difference. So really, there is no wrong or right decisions. Every decision just moves you forward"

She stared at him. His words made so much sense, and she wondered for a second how he could be so wise beyond his years.

"So that should give you faith?" she asked.

"No, it doesn't prove anything. It doesn't promise anything. But I guess it gives you a sort of confidence, knowing this"

"Because it's out of your hand?"

"Because it doesn't make you think you are responsible for the whole world" he chuckled lightly "Yeah, I guess some things are out of your hand"

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" she asked uneasy.

"No, you should also take your Zoloft if you wanna feel better" he chuckled and she slapped him playfully.

Leave it to him to make a joke about things that were life or death serious.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

She walked into the kitchen and stopped suddenly seeing her mother. She sighed slightly.

There it was again. An uncomfortable silence. She wondered for a second when they started to have these. They never used to. They were in sync, they were reading each other. And even when they fought, it only lasted till the next time they were in the same room and no longer.

Now it was different. Like something had been broken. Something that couldn't even be named, described.

"Hey" Lorelai said unsure, forcing out a smile.

"Hey" she replied trying to match her smile. She mused at how incredibly hard it was to smile.

"How are you feeling?" Lorelai asked, still unsure.

Rory shrugged her shoulders.

"Want some coffee?" Lorelai asked, sitting down on a kitchen stool.

"Sure" Rory answered.

She sat down on the stool next to her mom, leaning on the counter and accepting the cup of hot liquid.

"Nothing's all wrong when you got coffee" Lorelai said trying to lighten the mood.

She took a sip and didn't look up. It somehow felt like an incredible burden suddenly. Trying to have a conversation. She never thought about it like that before. A conversation as a task. But suddenly it seemed like it.

"I'm sorry" she said quietly and felt her mother freeze.

"About what?" Lorelai whispered, fear in her voice.

"About all this. I wish I knew why I'm like this" she answered truly.

Lorelai just watched her.

"It's not your fault" she finally said. Her voice was strong, determined "It isn't"

"Yeah" she mouthed silently into her cup "I'm still sorry you have to deal with this"

"Hey. It's better than you being a drunk. Or a druggie. Right?" Lorelai joked then suddenly stopped, unsure again.

Rory stared ahead as if contemplating. As if choosing the answer to that question was the most important decision she could make. As if having the strength to play along would prove a point. To herself. To her mom. To everyone.

"Or a Backstreet Boy fan" she said quietly, still not looking at her mother but finally managing a smile.

She was sure she felt Lorelai's relief just then. As if that one comment convinced her that everything was going to be fine.

"Or a marching band member" Lorelai chuckled.

"Hey, Lane is a marching band member" she said in mock hurt.

"I'm sure her momma's proud" she chuchkled.

"Actually she is" Rory played along.

"I mean, god, who wouldn't want to see their daughter in ugly, ill fitting uniforms with little top hats and a yellow feather, punching a huge drum?" Lorelai ranted.

"It's actually a really nice uniform" she commented.

"It would make any honest, respectable Seventh Day Methodist proud" Lorelai gleamed.

"You know what, I might just join the marching band if you really think that" Rory teased.

"Oh my god, do that and I'll start volunteering on the PTA" Lorelai said, her face threatening.

"You would not dare" Rory narrowed her eyes.

"Oh yeah? Watch me organize the baking sale, missy" Lorelai joked.

"Fine. No marching band. But I might buy Millenium" she quipped.

"That's it, I am disowning you!" Lorelai said shocked.

She laughed. Wholeheartedly. She watched her mother's face light up and sighed smiling.

She suddenly realized it was going to be fine. No matter how she felt right now. Or how it had been for the past couple of months. She was going to be alright.

"Mom?"

"Yeah kiddo?"

"I think I want to go back to school" she said staring at a spot on the counter.

"Rory. You don't have to do that. You can have a bit of rest. You only missed a couple of days. Feel free to ..."

"I am good" she broke her off "Really"

Lorelai looked at her narrowing her eyes.

"Okay" she whispered "of you want that"

She smiled a wry smile as she got up from the counter to go back upstairs. She really wasn't sure what she wanted. But she hoped it was that.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She stood at the entrance of the big building clutching her binder, looking at the long hallway full of kids in uniforms. She sighed.

The last couple of days have been okay. She almost felt normal. Of course that was back home, in her room, where she worked on feeling okay for the past couple of days. This place here. Well, it always managed to make her feel unsure, weird, uncertain.

She felt a hand slide into hers. She looked to the side to see him staring at that same hallway, calm and cool as always. She smiled a light smile. It was different, facing everything with him by his side.

"Ready for the zoo?" he asked, glancing at her.

"I heard there are new chimps" she replied.

"Oh yeah" he started walking, holding her hand still "they are very delightful. Please observe: to your right, the mating ritual" he said pointing towards a girl and a guy leaning against the lockers, "to your left the females of the species collecting insects off of each other as a sign of affection" he went on observing a group of girls gossiping and giggling in a group "and of course the leader of the pack observing the happenings from a very high rock" he finished as they came to stand in front of Headmaster Chilton, obviously not amused by Tristan's remark.

Rory blushed slightly and dropped her gaze.

"Ms. Gilmore, it's good to see you back at work" he said turning towards Rory and ignoring Tristan "how are you feeling?"

Rory blushed even more glancing around uncomfortably, self conscious.

"I'm okay, thank you" she said quietly.

"Glad to hear. Mrs. Woodbridge is expecting you three times a week, don't forget" he said and smiled.

Rory nodded uncomfortably and walked on, still holding Tristan's hand.

"You have to meet her three times a week?" she heard him ask.

"Yeah, after school" she answered.

"How is she?" he asked worried.

"Well, about yea tall, 18th century glasses, curly black hair, weird accent" she joked not wanting a serious discussion on the topic.

Tristan stopped pulling her back to face him.

"What wrong?" he asked.

"Is everybody talking about me?" she suddenly asked, looking up into his eyes.

"They might be" he answered nonchalant.

She sighed frustrated and turned to walk on but he pulled her back.

"I honestly don't think that's your biggest problem right now" he said.

"Well it definitely is not helping" she shot back.

"Okay, would you like if they would be talking about something other than your emotional problems?" he said with a hardly noticeable smirk on his face.

"Yes, I would like that"

"Okay" he whispered and grabbed her waist moving forward until his lips crashed into hers. She leaned back slightly, caught off guard by his sudden kiss and she felt her body go limp feeling the passion suppressed in his body. He groaned into the kiss, making her senses tingle. His one hand came up to the back of her head pulling her deeper into the kiss, while his other hand slipped down, grabbing her ass and pulling her against his hips.

He broke away, his eyes full of lust, his breathing heavy.

"There" he said, his voice shaking lightly "you can be sure they are not talking about your problems now" he whispered breaking into a grin.

She stood there, her head still dizzy and unable to think straight. He gave a small peck on the lips then walked past her into the other end of the hallway towards his classroom, leaving her flustered and taken aback.

She looked around seeing the amazed faces staring at her in the hallway that suddenly was really quiet. She cursed, suddenly understanding his words and looked after him just as he turned back to look at her, amused, mischievous smile on his face.

She couldn't help but smile. She turned around walking towards her classroom, ignoring the stares and whispers.

He was right. They would definitely not be talking about her emotional problems now.


	22. No love, no glory

She walked through the exit and closed her eyes for a second stopping to appreciate the cool air that hit her face.

She opened her eyes and as the parking lot came into her view she smiled involuntarily.

There he stood leaning against the hood of his car. They should make a fucking movie with him standing like that, she thought to herself chuckling lightly as she started to walk towards him.

He noticed her and dropped his ever present cigarette blowing out the smoke.

"Hello psychopath" he said sarcastically.

She stopped dead in her track.

"Excuse me?" she said not being able to stop herself from laughing "Aren't you supposed to be my support? My backup? My strong rock?" she asked in mock hurt.

"I can definitely be a hard rock" he snickered pulling her into a hug, his voice dropping a notch.

"Dirty" she said still smiling.

"How was it?" he asked, his face serious.

Her smile faded. She actually liked the joking around better. The denial.

"Okay" she answered curtly.

"What did you two talk about?" he asked.

She winced.

"You know. Just the usual. If my father beat me when I was a child. If my mother forced me to sell my body for money"

"Look at you, those antidepressants must be working already, you are just all fun and games today" he said arching an eyebrow.

She sighed burying her face in his chest.

"I just don't want to talk about it. Or myself. Enough of that for today" she explained.

"Okay then" he said kissing her lightly "what do you want to do?"

She thought about the answer for a second studying his eyes.

"Actually, I should probably go home" she said.

He looked at her for a second, then took a breath.

"Yeah, sure, I'll just drive you" he said already moving to open the door of his car.

"Well, I was thinking" she said, stopping him from leaving "maybe you could come to my place too" she finished, slightly uncertain.

He looked back at her, not quite understanding.

"You mean later tonight?" he asked.

She dropped her gaze, nervously clearing her throat.

"No, I meant now" she said, looking up at him sheepishly.

"While your mother is home?" he asked still not quite understanding.

She took a deep breath.

"Yeah, I thought we could, you know, walk in the front door, you could say hi to my mom, compliment her on her David Bowie t-shirt, she could offer you lemonade and then we could say we are going upstairs to spend the afternoon in my room. We could study, listen to music, then we could have some crappy dinner that my mother will attempt to make and if we still have time, watch a movie or something" she said, her voice slightly uncertain.

"Did you just describe a Full House episode?" he narrowed his eyes.

"Tristan" she glared at him.

"Okay, sorry, uhm, yeah, I guess, if this is what you want to do. I mean we've never really uhm... tried this" he mused.

"Maybe we could. You know. Be normal. Or try it at least" she said, her face suddenly serious, a hint of hurt in her eyes.

Tristan looked at her, his face suddenly stern. He dropped his gaze on the ground as if contemplating his answer.

Rory wondered for a second whether this was the point where he finally got scared of the whole thing. Of her, of their relationship.

"Yeah, we could definitely try that" he said slowly, lifting his gaze to meet her eyes.

"Yeah?" she said hopefully.

"Yeah" he answered taking a deep breath.

She smiled hugging him.

"But I am not discussing football with your dad" he said joking as he moved to open the door.

"Oh come on" she played along "just say 'how about them Huskies?'" she giggled as she walked over to the passenger's side opening the door.

"The Huskies suck" he replied sighing as he sat inside starting the car.

"See? You do know your sports!" she smiled and he just shook his head laughing.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Hi mom" she said as she walked in the kitchen.

"Hey baby, how was..." her mother said but trailed off as she turned around, obviously surprised to see Tristan standing next to her.

"Ms. Gilmore" he greeted her and Lorelai just looked at him puzzled.

"Tristan. Hi" she managed to reply.

Rory shifted her weight uncomfortably, feeling the tension in the room.

"Uhm, I like your t-shirt" Tristan said, smiling to himself and Rory glared at him for a second.

"Mom, Tristan is going to spend the afternoon if it's okay with you" Rory said "we've got some studying to do"

"Right" Lorelai said, undeniably unconvinced "this is code for making out?" she asked.

Tristan bit his lip trying to suppress a laugh and dropped his gaze on the floor.

Rory took a breath.

"Well, we're actually going to try to start out with studying, but yes, then we will probably move on to a wild sex orgy in the middle of the afternoon while you are downstairs watching Thomas the Tank Engine on DVD with Matt" she said sarcastically.

"Okay, well in that case I will knock three times before I come into your room with the peanut butter and whipped cream sandwiches so you can hide all the SM gear" Lorelai replied not missing a beat.

Rory frowned and turned around to walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs pulling Tristan with him who was still slightly taken aback by the conversation he had just witnessed.

"Peanut butter and whipped cream?" he asked barely audible.

Rory chuckled.

"Yeah. She doesn't like peanut butter and jelly. She thinks it's a disgusting combination" she explained, walking up the stairs.

"Uhm... as opposed to peanut butter and whipped cream?" Tristan mused.

"You'd be surprised" she laughed.

"At how fast it will get you in an ER?" he mused.

"Hey, I have an idea, if she comes upstairs, you can discuss this with her or you can smile, pretend you'll eat it and have your peace" she replied.

"Sounds good enough" he agreed and she laughed opening her door.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Okay, so I am coming inside in three... two...one... And I am in. I still got my eyes covered in case you wanna... you know... in case anything..." Lorelai rambled as she opened the door to Rory's room after having knocked on it several times informing them of her arrival.

She peeked through her fingers covering her eyes and looked surprised when she spotted Tristan on the bed with a book in his lap and Rory across the room sitting at her desk.

"Oh... you two are dressed" she managed, slightly relieved.

"Very funny" Rory glared at her.

"Don't be so disappointed" Tristan mused under his breath.

Lorelai smiled wickedly at Rory and walked over to her.

"Oh come on, you are telling me that for the past two hours you two have been sitting here reading about..." she sat down on the desk and looked at the book Rory had in front of her "the French Revolution??" she exclaimed "My god, you two know how to have fun"

"Okay, for your information, the French Revolution is really interesting" Rory stated.

"Yeah, in fact my heartbeat is 137 as we speak" Tristan added sarcastically.

Lorelai smiled a small smile.

"Well, I hate to break up a wild and crazy discussion about people who lived two hundred years ago and ran around in stockings and white wigs killing people in the name of freedom, but dinner is ready" she rambled as she stood up from the desk.

Rory raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

"Dad is home?" she asked.

"Yep. He just got home"

"And you're saying dinner's ready?"

"Yeah" Lorelai said playing with a pen on Rory's desk.

"So who cooked if dad just got home?" Rory teased while Tristan looked at the two of them taking interest in the conversation.

"What? I can cook!" Lorelai protested "well, not cook, but warm stuff up... in the microwave... if there are directions on the box..." she went on shrugging her shoulders.

"You ordered pizza, didn't you?" Rory asked.

"Chinese" she admitted.

Rory just smiled.

"Well, I guess I should go"

They both turned to see Tristan get up from the bed gathering his stuff.

"No, stay" Rory said getting up walking over to him, embracing him.

"I don't want to be trouble" he whispered.

"You're not" she replied.

"You're not. Really. Stay. If you like Chinese, that is"

They both looked up to see an uncomfortable and rambling Lorelai.

"And if you're not allergic. I mean, to Chinese. Lot of people are... Allergic"

"To Chinese" Tristan added helpfully.

"Yeah, it's some chemical they have or something. Makes people's faces all puffy and makes them throw up and..."

"Okay, how about we go downstairs?" Rory asked, trying to break the weird conversation.

"Yep, good idea" Lorelai said relieved and walked out of the door.

Rory followed her but was pulled back by Tristan.

She looked at him questioning as he shifted his weight uncomfortably.

"Rory, I am really fine with leaving, I don't want to intrude on your family dinner"

"You want to leave because you don't want to intrude or because it makes you feel uncomfortable? she asked, her face suddenly serious.  
Tristan's expression froze and he studied her face narrowing his eyes.

She dropped her gaze on the ground, not liking him examining her and a hint of disappointment flashed through her.

"I just thought you wouldn't mind spending some time with them" he spoke slowly, formulating each word carefully.

She sighed suddenly feeling stupid for accusing him.

"I'd like them to like you. I'd like you to like them" she said frustrated.

"Why is that important?" he asked confused.

"It is to me" she said looking up at him, suddenly emotional.

He looked at her part surprised, part undecided. He stood there for what seemed like long seconds, making her nervous.

"Okay" he finally whispered.

He pulled her into a hug and she felt herself sigh, relieved to be lost in his hold.

"Okay, now I know you two are not talking about Luis the 16th!" they heard Lorelai yell from downstairs and they both chuckled as they walked out of her room and down the stairs into the kitchen.

Rory walked up to the dinner table then turned back seeing Tristan stand in the doorway, obviously not knowing what to do.

"Hey Tristan, how are you?" Christopher said, his voice as uncomfortable as he looked.

"Mr. Gilmore. Nice to see you" he said and walked over to Rory who extended a hand for him to hold and pulled him down to the seat next to hers.

"Oooookay. How about we eat?" Lorelai said trying to ease the tension.

"How was school, Rory?" Chris asked as he opened up one of the boxes starting to pile food onto his plate.

"It was good. Okay. Fine" she said taking a deep breath "I'm a bit behind" she went on, her voice uneasy.

"You'll catch up quick" Tristan and Chris said simultaneously resulting in the whole dinner table freezing in silence.

"Uhm, weird?" Lorelai burst out laughing watching the two guys uncomfortably shift in their seats.

"Yeah, that will be something to talk about with Miss Woodbridge" Rory joked.

"Oh my god, they even look similar" Lorelai exclaimed studying the two "Have you ever noticed?"

"Okay, approaching inappropriate dinner conversation topic" Rory warned.

"I bet they comb their hair the same way in the morning too" Lorelai went on amused.

"Oh, stop, please" Chris winced.

"Yes, please stop" Rory pleaded glancing over at Tristan who was at this point rubbing his temples no doubt cursing the minute he agreed to stay for dinner.

"Okay, well fine. You all wanna hear about my exciting day instead?" Lorelai asked cheerfully "It was indeed a fine day, wasn't it?" she glanced over to the highchair with Matt grinning happily already covered in baby food "We slept all morning, then broke grandma Emily's Christmas present..."

"Oh my god, you broke the vase?" Rory looked up from her plate "She's gonna kill you"

"Hey! I did not break anything! It was Matt" Lorelai protested.

Chris looked at her unconvinced.

"Yeah, it really was. I was teaching him how to hold something big and heavy, and well, obviously he's is not good at it yet, so... you know. But he liked the crashing sound it made on the floor. Didn't you, my smart little baby boy?" she rambled.

"You are so horrible" Rory laughed.

"Yeah, Emily's going to be pissed" Chris chimed in.

"Oh come on guys, it was an ugly ass vase. It was the mother of all ugly ass vases, in fact it was so ugly it would have probably broken if I just placed it in front of a mirror. She can't possibly be expecting me to have that thing in my house. It probably scared Matt to death. Just looking at it" she said while her family just looked at her amused.

"You are so gonna get it" Rory teased.

"She's gonna pick it up the moment she walks in the house, isn't she?" Lorelai asked frustrated.

"Yep" Chris smiled.

"She has a special sensor for everything she's ever given me" she sighed.

"Oh yeah, remember the antic nightstand?" Rory smiled taking a bite from her food.

"Oh my god, I forgot about that" Chris laughed as he wiped a stain from Matt's face.

"Ugh, don't remind me. Took me hours to make it seem like it actually broke while I carried it up the stairs" she remembered with an annoyed look.

"Oh god, do you remember how pissed she was?" Chris laughed.

"I really don't understand why, I explained to her how it happened. And that it was a complete accident" Lorelai said, her face innocent.

"Mom, there was a hammer smashed on top of it" Rory laughed.

"Yeah, well, I tripped and fell and the hammer that I was carrying around with me... for exercise... just happened to fly across the room and smash the nightstand, so what? Things like that happen" she explained.

"Oh yeah, things like that seem to happen a lot to you when it comes to presents from grandma" Rory mused.

They all laughed amused.

"Tristan, have some more, you hardly ate anything" Lorelai said looking at him.

"Uhm, thanks Miss Gilmore, actually I am stuffed. And it's pretty late, so I should get going" he added, already rising from his seat.  
Rory looked at him worried. She got so caught up in the whole family dinner she didn't even realize it was probably awkward for him. She could tell now watching his expression.

"Thanks for dinner, you have a good night" he added as he walked out of the kitchen.

Rory got up, excusing herself, and followed him tot he front door.

"Everything okay?" she asked uncertain.

He turned back to her, having already opened the door.

"Yeah, it's just getting late. I don't wanna get into trouble back home" he said avoiding her gaze.

"Okay" she said, obviously not convinced studying his face "Was it really that horrible?" she asked out of the blue. She watched as he sighed realizing there was no use in putting up a front.

"I'm not good at these things, Rory" he said.

"What things?" she asked.

"This" he gestured around him "playing the boyfriend to your family. Sitting and smiling, making small talk" he went on.

"I don't expect you to" she said defensively.

"Yes you do. I know you do" he replied.

She furrowed her brows staring at his chest, suddenly feeling frustrated.

"You have every right to" he went on frustrated "and I am sorry I am so bad at it, but I... just am" he said.

"Well you'll get better" she said stubbornly, trying to convince herself more than him.

Tristan sighed barely audible and looked at her for a second, his eyes a calm blue.

"Yeah. I'll get better" he said pulling her into a hug.

She was thankful even if she knew it was just a promise and not a fact. She wanted to believe. That it was all going to work out and be fine. That this wouldn't have to be another problem they had to face. She needed that now.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" he whispered and she nodded, watching as he walked down the stairs of the house and through the front yard towards his car.

As she watched him leave she wondered about how their relationship had changed. How if this was a couple of weeks ago, he would have sneaked into her room a couple of hours later and they wouldn't have to worry about what anyone thought, because no one would know. She realized that wasn't possible to keep up forever. That they would have to face reality, and the rest of the world eventually. Her breakdown showed her that. And it also showed her she needed him to help her, to be there with her. And this probably meant he would have to face reality as well. She just hoped he was willing to.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She moved silently along the wall of the engine room. It was cold outside and she pulled the coat tighter around her. She reached the end of the building and the bleachers suddenly came in to view. She was oddly surprised to see them empty. Then she suddenly saw him standing by the near end of the stands, partly hidden.

He leaned against the stands, cigarette in hand.

She walked up to him and he noticed her smirking.

"You gonna get in trouble again out here" he warned in a playful tone.

"How about you?" she asked raising an eyebrow.

"Just came out for a quick smoke. Surely they realize that it's better if I do it out here than inside, corrupting the brittle minds of their respectable Chilton students" he laughed throwing the cigarette away and pulling her in for a kiss.

It started out slow, but she suddenly felt herself lost in it, pressing her body up against his. He fell back against the stands and she could feel his sudden lust. She suddenly realized how long it had been since the two of them shared a kiss like this. She could feel his suppressed passion, that he no doubt worked on really hard since her breakdown.

She pulled away slowly to see him with eyes closed and breathing heavy, as if he were trying to regain his control over his body and his mind.

"I miss you" he whispered, the words barely coming out of his mouth.

She stared at him, his eyes still closed as if he was ashamed of his slip, of letting her know that he wanted her.

She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn't find the words. She dropped her gaze to his chest suddenly feeling under pressure. She looked up to find him studying her expression, his face troubled.

"Rory, I didn't mean..." he said trying to explain himself, his words still only a whisper.

"I know, I know" she said closing her eyes, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. She could feel her face fire up and she winced.

"I'm sorry" he whispered.

"No. I... I miss you too" she said looking up into his eyes. It was as though she was seeing those eyes again after a long time, really seeing them, the depths of them pulling her in. She realized how long it had been since she was lost in his eyes, his embrace, his touch. She felt a lust inside of her that seemed to have been forgotten, as though her body had shut down all unnecessary functions and focused on surviving only.

He sighed, his muscles tensing, and he looked up at her, his composure intact once more. She realized at that very moment how much effort he put into being there for her and not expecting anything in return.

She smiled at this thought, realizing that she was probably the fist person that he had to make these sacrifices for. That this was probably the first time he had to practice self control.

And there was something else she realized at that moment.

The fact that it probably wasn't self control for him. It was longing. He was not waiting for satisfaction, he was waiting for her to want him as bad as he probably wanted her.

She leaned in to kiss him again, letting him know her passion for him. He groaned frustrated into their kiss and pushed her away slightly not letting it go any further. She looked up at him flustered seeing his eyes closed once again as if it took him great effort to stop her.

"God, I want you so bad" he whispered and his words sent a chill down her spine, making her heart race.

She smiled and buried her face in his chest inhaling his smell.

"Come over tonight?" she asked quietly and she felt his head drop back and him sighing.

"God, you have no idea how much I want to" he said frustrated "but I can't"

Rory looked up at him surprised.

"Oh" she said, not able to hide her disappointment.

"My parents are having a party tonight and I have to be a good little boy and attend" he sighed.

"Oh" she said again, this time relieved.

"But tomorrow, I can make it" he said, his eyes gleaming hopefully.

She blushed and smiled burying her face in his hold once again.


	23. All that you can't leave behind

She walked down the stone path to the large house that seemed to look more intimidating in the dark than in daylight. Her silk dress flowed as she strolled after her grandparents, her stomach curled up in a ball.

She suddenly panicked.

Maybe this was a stupid idea after all.

"Rory, I'm so glad you decided to come. The DuGreys are such nice people and they throw marvelous parties. Remember their Christmas party last year, Richard?" she heard her grandmother say.

"Oh yes, well it was quite a good one, wasn't it?" his grandfather agreed as she offered a hand to Emily.

Rory took a deep breath.

Yes, this was definitely a mistake.

Her grandparents have been bugging her for years to attend society events with them. They were always quite disappointed that her parents never gave Rory the 'proper society upbringing' and they tried very hard to right that. When Rory talked with them on the phone this afternoon and they mentioned some kind of a party they were attending, she suddenly felt the urge to join them, knowing it would probably be Tristan's parents' party. She thought it would be funny, but suddenly she felt like maybe she had gone too far. After all, if he really would have wanted to, he could have invited her. He probably didn't want to in order to spare her, but still she couldn't help but feel nervous about what his reaction was going to be.

She followed her grandparents immersed in thoughts and hardly even realized that they had already rang the bell.

"Emily, Richard! How nice of you to come" she heard a blond woman exclaim as she opened the door for them to step inside.

"Elizabeth, you look stunning as always" Richard greeted the woman as he stepped inside.

"Thank you for having us" Emily chimed in "I hope you don't mind us bringing an extra guest along, Elizabeth, this is our granddaughter, Rory"

"Nice to meet you Mrs. DuGrey. You have a beautiful house" Rory nodded politely as she shook the woman's hand. She couldn't help but notice the resemblance between her and Tristan, the blond hair, the delicate features, the icy blue eyes. She seemed like any respectable society lady, perfect make-up, impeccable appearance.

"Rory! Hey!" she heard a familiar voice and she smiled relieved to see Amanda approach them. She all but jumped into her arms, no doubt relieved to finally find someone her own age at the party.

"Hey Mandy" she smiled at her "you look so pretty" she said watching the girl in a beautiful blue dress that made her look so much more grown up than she remembered. She loved the playful smirk on her face, the sparkle in her eyes and suddenly she didn't feel so unsure about having come her in the first place.

"You are beautiful, look at this dress" Amanda said cheerfully admiring Rory.

"You two know each other?" Elizabeth asked confused.

"This is Rory, mom, she goes to school with Tristan" Mandy enthused and Rory couldn't help but blush. She was sure Tristan hadn't been sharing much about the two of them, but she knew for a fact that his mother knew there was a girl. Suddenly she felt like she was under a looking glass, being studied in scrutiny.

"Oh, yes, I think I might have heard of you" Elizabeth said with an all-knowing smile and Rory definitely felt herself blushing now.

"Why isn't that wonderful, Richard? I didn't even know you went to school with Tristan DuGrey, Rory" Emily said content and Rory winced slightly.

"Were is Tristan anyway Amanda?" Elizabeth asked "He should be here to greet our guests" she said, a slight disappointment in her voice and Rory couldn't help but think of the way Tristan spoke of his parents. Even though she knew he loved his mother, he certainly didn't like all the expectations he was met with coming from them.

"Uhm, I think he is inside entertaining some people" Mandy replied looking all innocent "Rory, why don't you come help me find him" she said pulling Rory along with her not waiting for her to have a chance to protest.

Not like she wanted to, she actually felt relieved to be taken away from the uncomfortable scene.

Mandy pulled her down a long corridor giggling.

"He is so not entertaining anyone other than himself, he is out by the pool house sneaking a smoke. You know you should totally tell him to kick that habit, it's nasty" she rambled and Rory couldn't help but smile. She loved her energy, her personality. And the fact that she seemed to adore her brother.

Mandy looked around carefully, then opened a huge glass door leading out into the back yard then gently nudged Rory to go outside.

"Go" she whispered then chuckled lightly "he'll be glad to see you" she winked "I'll cover for you guys, gonna go charm the Forresters"

Rory smiled and walked out onto the patio and down the stone path towards the pool house that Mandy directed her towards.

She suddenly felt unsure again, the cold night air making her shiver.

She reached the pool house and turned the corner to find him standing a couple of feet away, with his back towards her, a cigarette in his hand.

"Feeding the James Dean image again?" she asked and watched as he spun around completely surprised.

"Rory" he whispered as if she were some sort of a mirage "what are you doing here?" he asked as he looked her up and down, his eyes involuntarily coming back to study her long silk dress again and again.

She had a hard time suppressing a smile seeing his shock and his obvious interest.

"Thought I'd surprise you" she said lightly shrugging her shoulders.

"How did you...?" he stuttered, still not understanding, glancing towards the house.

"My grandparents were invited and I came along" she said "I hope you don't mind" she added, suddenly self-conscious.

He looked at her for what seemed like a full minute and she cursed herself for not being able to wait another day to see him. He was obviously taken aback by her showing up here and was not pleased. She sighed uneasy looking around, already contemplating a way out when he suddenly took a couple of steps in her direction, his demeanour confident, calm.

She felt herself lost looking at him, his handsome figure accented even more by the suit he was wearing.

He reached her and pulled her to him without saying a word, his lips finding hers and kissing her delicately, then more passionately. Rory moaned into the kiss, feeling relieved and enjoying his warm touch in the cold night air. He broke away to continue kissing down her face, then her neck.

"You look amazing" he whispered into her ears, his voice husky and she shivered, suddenly feeling warm despite the cold.

"So you don't mind?" she smiled arching an eyebrow.

"You could drag me to the opera with the Forresters and I still wouldn't mind if you'd be wearing that dress" he murmured.

She laughed.

"What's with the Forresters?" she asked amused "Your sister mentioned them too" she explained when she saw Tristan's questioning expression.

"Well, they are just obnoxious people" he explained "You talked to Mandy?" he asked.

"Yeah, she sent me here. She said you should stop smoking"

"Really?" he asked arching an eyebrow "SHE thinks I should stop smoking?" he asked amused.

"Yes" Rory answered.

"But not you" he teased.

"No. I mean, I would support your decision if you wanted to. I would give you pep talks, help you put on the nicotine patches, go to CSA meetings..."

"CSA?"

"Cigarette Smokers Anonymous?" she tried "I don't know, I am just making this up"

"You don't say" he chuckled as he held her in his arms looking down on her. She smiled enjoying the proximity.

"So what are you doing out here?" she asked.

"Hiding from the Forresters?" he chuckled.

"Oh come on now, they can't be that bad" she laughed.

"Do you not know Dave? Dave Forrester? Obnoxious kid, goes to Chilton, has to go to the bathroom every fifty minutes to make sure his blazer is free of any dust particles?"

"Ohhh, that kid. I just call him Dave Dustalot"

"He's probably the most fun in the whole family"

"Ouch"

"Yep"

She smiled, her fingers tracing the lines of his suit.

"So you sacrificed a completely peaceful and sane evening by coming here just to see me?" he smirked looking at her.

She blushed dropping her gaze to his chest.

"Well, it would have been homework, a Twilight Zone marathon or this"

"Which is almost like a Twilight Zone marathon"

"But with better clothes"

"You are amazing" he said.

She looked up with sparkling eyes.

"Really? You like me?" she teased.

"Yeah I think the swelling in my pants is a good indication" he replied and she slapped him on the arm.

"What? Did you think it was my cell phone?" he chuckled.

"You are so horrible" she mumbled into his chest, completely embarrassed.

"You are so sexy" he whispered sighing.

"Yeah?" she looked up at him, her voice small.

He looked down on her, his face suddenly serious.

"This dress..." he started but trailed off groaning.

"Really??" she laughed pushing him away a bit to be able to move around, making sure to sway her hips as she did so. She watched amused as his eyes glued to her hips, concentrating on the fabric sliding softly on her body.

He groaned again.

"You... like... the dress?" she asked seductively, her eyes fixed on his as she ran her hands down the soft material.

He took a sharp breath and closed his eyes.

"You're the devil" he whispered as he leaned his back against the wall of the pool house frustrated, no doubt trying to keep control over his body and failing miserably.

"Oh, you think?" she asked innocently as she slowly walked back to him, her hands grabbing her skirt and pulling it up slightly higher with every step. By the time she reached him, the hem of her dress came up to the middle of her thighs.

"Is that why you scream for god so many times when you're with me?" she teased pushing her legs against his whispering in his ear.

He looked at her completely surprised by her sudden boldness.

He chuckled, his expression totally incredulous.

"What's gotten into you?" he asked smirking.

She blushed again, suddenly feeling self conscious. She bit her lip nervously and looked back up at him to find him staring at her mouth. She wondered how why when she tried to be sexy, it made him laugh, but when she did something completely simple like biting her lip, it turned him on visibly.

He looked into her eyes and she gasped at the lust she saw in there and his struggle to hold back. The same emotions she saw at the bleachers earlier.

She watched dumbfounded as he pushed her away slightly then moved towards the door of the pool house grabbing her hand and pulling her after himself.

He slid the door open and pushed her in, then closed the door behind him and walked inside pushing her up against the wall.

Her breath caught in her chest as he lifted her slightly attacking her neck with a rising fever. She moaned enjoying his tongue dancing on her skin, sucking and nibbling. His hands travelled down her legs pulling up her dress touching the soft skin and helping her to wrap her legs around his waist.

He pushed her against the wall, his hips grinding against hers, letting her feel his erection once again.

She gasped and he moved to the side of her face kissing the soft skin right under her ear. He sighed, the air coming out in ragged breaths.

"I want you so bad" he whispered into her ears and she moaned as her skin tingled under his touch.

She felt like the first time they made love, the same intensity, the same lust, her body trembling as though she had been yearning for release for a long time.

He pulled away suddenly to look at her face, his chest rising and falling heavily.

"What?" she asked out of breath.

He opened his mouth, but changed his mind as if not knowing what to say.

She furrowed her brows trying to understand his uncertainty.

He looked worried, unsure.

"You're not gonna break me, Tristan" she whispered, sensing his turmoil.

He didn't seem convinced, his eyes swirling with lust and frustration at the same time.

She took a deep breath and moved to convince him, her hands going to his belt buckle and steadily working on freeing him.

He closed his eyes sighing.

"Rory" he called her name as if he was trying to get through to her, as if he was trying to be rational even though he just wanted to lose all control.

He stood there helpless as she undid his pants letting them drop to his feet. She ran a hand along his length, seeing him shut his eyes even tighter and inhaling sharply.

He stopped her hand with his, his muscles tensing as though it took all his strength to stop her.

"I want to not make you feel worse" he struggled with the words.

Rory didn't look at him anymore. She didn't want this conversation, she didn't want those questions. She didn't want to think about whether this was right, whether she was okay, whether this would make her feel better or worse. She just wanted to forget all the problems, wanted to feel like she could only feel when she was with him.

"Make me feel like I am fine. Make me feel like nothing changed" she whispered and he looked at her as though her words broke his heart.

"Nothing did" he whispered as he lifted her again "I love you"

The words came barely audible and she sighed in relief feeling him slip inside of her. She moaned, shutting her eyes and letting her head fall back against the wall, not being able to keep her composure.

He thrust into her firmly, grunting lightly with every movement. She forced herself to open her eyes to look at his face. His eyes were swirling with want and passion, his warm breaths against her neck making her skin tingle.

"God, I missed you" he whispered, his voice cracking as his hands pulled her closer to him, making her gasp.

She felt as though she had suddenly been reminded of how incredible it was to be with him, to have him inside of her, her walls stretching and contracting around him as though they were a perfect match, their bodies adapting to each other's.

Her fingers trembled as she clung to him, her eyes fluttering shut with every thrust. She felt her heartbeat quicken as the slow familiar burn in her abdomen started. She moaned into his ear and smiled at the reaction. His pace increased and his thrusts became deeper, more violent. He started mumbling in her ear, his words strained, barely understandable.

"So tight... god...fucking amazing"

She moaned again, letting her head drop back as the first waves of her orgasm washed over her with such intensity that her whole body shook violently. She heard her own strained screams and she mumbled his name in ecstasy.

She felt his movements become more frantic and she opened her eyes lazily through the haze to see his face flushed and covered in sweat, his hair damp, his eyes shut tight as his grunts became loud. With one last thrust she felt him empty inside her as he screamed in her ear making her gasp. He collapsed onto the ground bringing her with him, clinging to her tight, his breathing still erratic.

She watched in awe seeing his incredible intensity. She didn't remember him ever letting go like this, ever being so free, so passionate. She brushed back his hair with her fingers and he groaned, eyes still closed, feeling her touch.

He opened his eyes taking a deep breath as if trying to calm himself, but his whole body shook with his strong heartbeats.

She found herself staring at his face amazed as he sighed again.

"What?" he whispered smiling, his strength still gone.

She realized she was staring and opened her mouth to explain but couldn't find words.

He smirked pulling her in for a slow, burning kiss and she welcomed his lips that caressed her own.

He pulled back smiling, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

"Fucking hell" he whispered "you make me wild, Rory Hayden"

"Oh I make you wild?" she chuckled, her voice still breathy.

"Uh-huh" he smiled.

"I personally think you were pretty wild when I met you" she insisted.

"No, no" he murmured "I was completely innocent, you corrupted me"

She couldn't help the burst of laughter that broke from her chest.

"Oh, that's a good one" she chuckled.

"As far as I'm concerned I was a shy and reserved boy until you started using me for your wicked ways" he went on.

"My wicked ways?" she managed to muster the words between her giggles.

"Yeah. You put a spell on me. Forced me to be part of your sexual games" he murmured, not being able to hide his smirk.

"Okay, that's it" she said, still laughing trying to get up from the floor, but he pulled her back into his lap.

"Where do you think you're going?" he murmured looking up at her, his eyes sparkling.

"I don't know, clean up? Plus I don't want to exploit you anymore" she chuckled.

"Oh, why on earth not? Who said I was complaining?" he smirked.

She laughed again, the lightness in her chest feeling incredibly foreign and nice.

She eased into his hold, letting him caress her arms and his hand brushing the hair back from her face.

He studied her face with a content smile, his skin still glistening.

"I'm glad you showed up" he said quietly.

"Yeah?" she blushed "I thought you might be mad"

"Why would I be mad?" he furrowed his brows.

"I don't know, you didn't invite me and I just show up here all of a sudden" she shrugged.

"I didn't invite you because I figured you'd hate it as much as I do" he said.

"Well, I don't mind it. Especially if we're going to hide out here all night" she chuckled.

"Well, actually, we should probably get back. You wouldn't believe how fast rumours are started at parties like this" he commented.

"Oh, you think my reputation would be ruined?" she chuckled.

"Well, they might start gossiping that you are having a wild and passionate love affair with a DuGrey hair" he said arching an eyebrow.

"Oh my goodness, how wrong they would be" she laughed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Rory, there you are" she heard her grandmother's voice and she smoothed her hair self consciously, feeling like everyone in the room saw right through her front and knew exactly just what she had been doing for the past half an hour or so.

"I see you've found Tristan" Elizabeth smiled giving her son a long look.

Rory was sure she knew exactly what the two of them had been up to as though his lips had left a trail of glowing marks on her skin informing his mother and everyone else of their ministrations.

"Rory, darling, have you met Charles?" Emily said in a sugar coated voice and Rory could feel Tristan tense up next to her. She had somehow developed a sixth sense for his sudden mood changes and was quite sure that the blond man standing in front of him was none other than Charles DuGrey, Tristan's father.

"No, not yet. Mr. DuGrey, it's nice to meet you" she smiled a polite smile shaking his hand.

"Rory, I have listened to your grandfather go on and on about you" the man said and Rory blushed slightly.

"Well, just give him some pâté, that will quiet him for a while" she mumbled and gasped at the sudden fit of laughter her joke elicited form the small crowd.

"Well, she certainly takes after her mother, doesn't she?" Elizabeth smiled.

"I hear you are set for Harvard, young lady" Charles went on and Rory felt the smile freeze on her face, the comment a reminder of her problems.

She mumbled something in reply, but she soon realized this crowd was like any other at high society gatherings: not interested in actual feelings and thoughts, but rather the bright expectations and appearances.

"Well, I most certainly hope you can be a good influence on this slacker of a son of mine" he went on joking and Rory glanced at Tristan who was standing next to her quiet

She was shocked by what she saw. The man who had just a couple of minutes ago was genuinely happy, carefree even, was gone, instead his expression was stern, his eyes cold and gleaming, his face clenched, she was sure. He was like another person. She suddenly felt immensely sad for him, feeling the desperation she and probably only she saw flickering in his eyes.

"Maybe you could tell him to take his future a bit more seriously" Charles went on, his tone light, but no doubt an eternal argument stretching under the surface.

Rory smiled politely although concern probably showed on her face as she glanced from father to son and back.

"He seems to have elaborate plans but none of them involve any Ivy League colleges" he mused, once again eliciting a laugh from the crowd except for Tristan, whose eyes were now shooting sparks.

"I always thought he'd follow in my footsteps and become a lawyer, given his ability to talk himself out of everything. But he seems to not be excited about that prospect"

"Perhaps he's interested in another career" Rory timidly said, drawing a sudden silence from the crowd.

Rory blushed again dropping her gaze, and frantically trying to avoid Tristan's eyes even though she felt them burn holes into the side of her face.

"Oh, young lady, perhaps you know something I don't?" Charles joked wholeheartedly.

Rory finally glanced at Tristan whose expression was a clearer picture of "Don't you dare" than her mother ever managed to produce.

"Uhm, I don't. But really, he has time, doesn't he?" she managed to say smiling.

"Oh my, wouldn't they just make a lovely couple?" Emily gushed and Rory couldn't help herself from giving her a death glare, which probably didn't even register with her.

"Oh yes, they sure would" Elizabeth chimed in, obviously enjoying her ascendancy of knowing a little more than the people around her.

"Let me get you some drinks, ladies" Tristan said through gritted teeth and Rory watched flabbergasted as he strolled off, no doubt taking any excuse to leave the scene.

"Oh honey, your dress is a bit ruffled" Emily whispered to her, straightening Rory's skirt and she blushed again, happy in the knowledge that her grandmother probably didn't have a clue about how that ruffle actually managed to appear on her not so long ago immaculate dress.

She looked up to follow Tristan with her eyes and she sighed. She still had a hard time accepting the fact he didn't talk about things that bothered him and being here, seeing his family sort of gave her insight, but she was worried that Tristan wasn't happy about that fact.

After all, he managed to always avoid that subject.

She watched him stand next to the bar, downing a drink in a hurry and closing his eyes taking a deep breath before grabbing a few glasses of champagne and bringing them back to the small group of his parents and her grandparents who by now happily moved on the discussion concerning stock market bonds and DAR functions.

Tristan offered the drinks to her grandmother and his mother and without giving them a chance to indulge in some painful conversation, he moved on to greet some other guests politely.

Rory sighed as she watched him, not entirely sure of just how mad he really was at her for A, being here and B, trying to defend him in front of his father.

She knew his way of dealing with him. Ignorance basically. And her sticking up for him probably didn't fit his game plan.

"Okay, so this is dull, so why don't you come with me and I'll show you were the good hors- d'ouvres are" she heard Mandy's playful tone as she slid her arm into Rory's and pulled her gently away from the annoying group.

Rory smiled at her relieved.

"Sorry. Looked like you needed a bit of saving there" she chuckled.

"I needed a SWAT team to break me out" she murmured under her breath.

"Tristan looks tense. Daddy give him a hard time again?" Mandy turned to her grabbing a bunch of small crackers and stuffing them into Rory's hand while she looked at her brother concerned from across the room.

Rory placed one of the crackers into her mouth as she studied her face. She looked so young, yet her whole demeanour, her words seemed so much more older than her age. Much like Tristan's. She wondered whether that was a consequence of their upbringing. Whether their situation somehow forced them to deal with problems and grow up faster than the rest of the kids their age. It was probably true. Although she couldn't help but think that somehow Mandy managed to do a better job at stirring between the expectations and her own needs.

The blond looked back at her and she suddenly realized she still hadn't given her an answer.

"Yes, I guess there is a lot of passive-aggressiveness there" she winced.

"There is a lot of active aggressiveness there" she sighed.

Rory looked at her trying to decipher her words.

"He is just stubborn you know" she said once again glancing towards her brother "he did such a good job at pleasing everybody for such a long time without even making an effort, but the last couple of years, it just seems like he doesn't care anymore. Like he is deliberately trying to piss them all off"

Rory looked into Tristan's direction who suddenly glanced their way, no doubt feeling the two piercing gazes directed at him. Rory looked away seeing his frustration.

"Why do you think that is?" she asked, her voice shy, as if she already knew the answer to the question.

Amanda looked back at her.

"I don't know. He is so smart you know. He could do anything he wanted, he could act like he did everything they wanted and still manage to find time for stuff he likes or wants to do. But he just somehow doesn't want to do anything. Doesn't want to please anyone"

"Maybe he's just a bit lost. He's 17. He's not supposed to know everything about his future. He's not supposed to be perfect" she whispered, her voice cracking.

"He's not lost" Mandy's voice rang out and it seemed to hit deep, stirring up an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach

"He's not. He's the strongest person I know. He's just testing how far he can go before everyone turns on him" she said, like an accusation, turning his attention back to his brother who was by now making his way across the room, no doubt feeling uneasy about the two girls sharing a talk.

"It's like he doesn't care about anyone. Doesn't care who he leaves behind" she said, her tone slightly hurt, not bothering to finish her monologue even though Tristan was standing right in front of her by now.

The two of them looked at each other, Mandy's face reflecting pain and Tristan's concern.

"Mandy" he whispered, his voice almost pleading and Rory suddenly felt the bond between the two siblings, the incredible alliance that must have been a result of years of difficulties.

The young girl sighed and turned away to walk off toward some guest as Tristan called out her name once more in vain.

He looked back to face Rory and she suddenly felt caught, as if she had witnessed something she wasn't supposed to see, something she was not entitled to know about.

She stared at Tristan's troubled face and opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off.

"Tristan, look at you! Aren't you a handsome young man!" she heard a woman exclaim.

Tristan turned to face the source of the shriek and forced a smile on his face.

"Mrs. Forrester, how lovely to see you" he said walking towards the rather large woman as Rory looked after him uneasily.


	24. Your turn to lead

She walked up to his room, her movements hesitant, her heartbeat racing.

She stopped in the doorway and saw Tristan and Mandy look up at her suddenly.

She felt completely stupid again. Out of place. Like an intruder.

She was almost sure there were tears in the girl's eyes, but she couldn't be certain as Mandy smiled noticing her and got up from the bed already strolling by her before Rory could even apologize for intruding on what clearly was a serious conversation between the two of them.

The girl touched her arm lightly smiling as she passed her, not bothering to say anything.

Rory looked back at Tristan who sighed closing his eyes, as if he had just been through an exhausting task.

It was the first time Rory felt like a burden to him. Even if only for a second.

"I'm sorry" she whispered "my grandparents are leaving" she added unsure, trying to explain why she showed up "I didn't want to intrude"

"You're not" Tristan cut her off suddenly opening his eyes "we were just finishing" he added.

"She looked troubled" Rory stated uneasily, turning back even though Mandy had obviously left by now.

"She's fine" Tristan said and Rory's face tightened.

She felt a bout of anxiety swirling up from the pit of her stomach and she suddenly wanted to get away.

He seemed to pick up on her mood because he patted the bed next to him softly, inviting her to sit next to him.

She obliged, despite herself.

She sat next to him, quietly, staring ahead.

"She's always worried. She thinks I am dancing on a knife's edge" he mused turning to her, his words barely above a whisper.

"Oh" Rory said still unsure.

"I guess she's worried about losing an ally" he went on joking.

"Is there a chance of that happening?" Rory asked suddenly.

Tristan looked at her, his eyes a deep blue, his face serious.

"No" he said.

"Why is she worried then?" she asked.

Tristan furrowed his eyebrows as if trying to find the answer, then shrugged slightly as if he'd had enough of the topic for tonight.

"Your grandparents are leaving?" he said, changing the topic suddenly.

"Yeah" she said, standing up suddenly "I should go, I just came to say bye"

Her words caught in her chest as she felt him grab her hand. She stopped as if waiting for him to talk.

"Tell them I'll take you home" he said simply, his voice calm as ever.

"What?" she asked astonished "I can't tell them that"

"Why not?" he asked cocking an eyebrow.

"Well" she started, with eyes widened "what will they think?"

"That I am a gentleman for offering?" he tried.

"I don't think so" she scoffed.

"Fine. I'll tell them then" he said quickly rising form his bed and walking out of his room with Rory looking after him baffled.

"Tristan" she hissed as she rushed after him walking down the corridor and following him down the stairs into the lower level of the house that was now slowly emptying.

She reached him, slightly out of breath just as he greeted her grandparents.

"Mr. and Mrs. Gilmore. Leaving already?" he said, with a charmingly fake smile.

"Oh yes, well it's quite late and we've still got Rory to see home" Richard said glancing at Rory with a warm smile "she lives outside of Hartford"

"Well, why don't you let me do that?" Tristan asked determined and Rory felt her cheeks turn red as her grandfather and grandmother stared at Tristan with jaws slightly dropped.

"Well, that is very nice of you to offer, but..." Emily started, obviously baffled.

"It's no problem at all, let me get your coats" he said without giving them a chance to react walking off towards the coatroom.

Richard just looked surprised and Emily smiled.

"Isn't that nice of him, Rory?" she asked.

"Yes, uhm, yeah, he's really nice... to offer" she stuttered, still feeling embarrassed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She never quite felt that uncomfortable there. Of course it was her first time here in an evening gown and high heels.

"You're quiet" he stated, with a smirk on his face.

"You are impossible" she shot back, still annoyed.

"They're gonna find out eventually anyways" he chuckled "your grandmother will be damn happy too"

"They could have found out some other way" she quipped.

"How? Catching us in the poolhouse? See now, that would have been a party to remember" he snickered.

"I repeat, you're impossible" she spat.

"Come on. It's not like it's a secret" he reasoned.

"Then how come your parents don't know?" she asked accusingly.

She actually felt the mood change in the car. He took a deep breath, tightening his hold on the wheel.

"I don't know. I guess we're just not that type of a family" he mumbled.

"Oh okay" she mumbled, hurt by this last comment.

"Oh god Rory" he groaned "let's not make this into a whole argument, okay? I tell people who are important. Mandy knows. My friends know. My mother knows. Sort of. She probably figured out it's you. What else do you want?"

"Nothing! I want nothing, Tristan. Sorry for thinking this could actually work as a proper relationship and not just as some screwed up infatuation" she yelled, louder than she had intended to.

The car suddenly came to a screeching halt and she looked in his direction baffled, seeing his face suddenly lit up. He opened his door getting out of the car cursing.

She stared as he walked off fuming, then turned back after a couple of paces, looking at her intently.

"Why does it always come back to this?" he thundered and Rory's breath caught in her chest. She had not seen this anger, this violence in him since the scene with Dean. She opened her door and got out, the cold night air stinging her skin even through the coat she was wearing.

"To what?" she asked, her voice low, but confident.

"To me not making enough of an effort?" he yelled.

She stared at his face, distorted with anger, his emotions hardly hidden.

"I have been breaking my back for the past weeks yet it never seems to be enough for you" he yelled, pacing up and down, glancing at her every now and then.

"That's not true" she whispered trying to convince herself more than him.

"Look me in the face and tell me I have not been making an effort, Rory. I never worked so hard for anything in my life. I have no idea why I am doing it now, it's beyond me, but you try to look me in my face and tell me I am not making a fucking effort!" he spat out the words, his eyes glaring at her as he came to stop just inches away from her face.

She stared at him overwhelmed by his sheer intensity.

"I am not gonna take you on dates and chat with your dad beforehand. I am not gonna ever please your mother. I will probably not even manage with your grandparents seeing as I don't give a shit whether they think I am suitable or not for you, but I've always and will always make a fucking effort when it comes to you. Tell me you don't know that" he said, his tone slightly weaker, his voice more quiet.  
Rory dropped her gaze and sighed.

"Well maybe it's not enough" she murmured frustrated.

He groaned cursing silently, turning around once again to continue his panther like stroll up and down the side of the road.

Rory looked at him desperately, trying to find the words to explain herself.

"As amazing it is to be hidden from everything else in my life, I can't do it forever, Tristan. I can't just forget everything. I have to face reality" she pleaded.

"Oh my god, and you've been seeing a shrink how long?" he murmured stopping as soon as he said the words, closing his eyes, seemingly regretting them already.

Rory felt a sharp pain in her chest hearing his words.

He sighed closing his eyes as if trying to regain his composure.

"Rory" he started, his voice quiet, almost pleading.

"No, Tristan. You're not just gonna say 'everything will be fine', okay?" she spat, her voice suddenly full of emotions, hurt and determination.

"It's going to be horrible and painful and it's going to take even more effort and it's going to have to be you facing people and life and the fact that you can't just pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. It's going to be hard, because you've never done it, it's going to feel stupid because you never thought you needed to do it" she rambled, her words spilling from her mouth like an avalanche, taking down everything in its path.

"But you know what? You are going to do it because for the first time in your life it's going to be worth it" she said, her eyes dark and sparkling.

"You know that. You've known that, and that's why you've been trying sofar" she said, her voice becoming more calm.

He looked at her exhaling, as if her words have made him realize that he knew this too, had known it all along.

"I'm not good at this..." he tried once again, his voice low, cracking.

"You're good at whatever you want to be good at" she cut him off.

"I'm not sure I want to be good at this" he said quietly.

It was a moment that could have shattered her world. Maybe a couple of days ago it would have. The possibility that he might not want to be in this with her through thick and thin. But she suddenly felt a strength. Coming from god knows where. After weeks and months of feeling weak, and helpless, she suddenly felt strong, her body straightening with the confidence. She couldn't say where it came from. Was it the drugs? Was it the realization that she could take back the control in her life? Or was it the fact that she's never been so sure about wanting someone with her? Either way, for the first time ever, she felt like she was going to be the stronger one. She was going to have him lean on her.

"Well, I am" she simply said, her voice cool and calm.

"I want you" she went on, seeing him close his eyes contently hearing her words "with me" she added and stepped closer to him.

He stood there with eyes closed, his face in a slight frown as if he had suddenly been left with a burden he just realized the weight of. She moved even closer, her mouth gently grazing his cheek and he exhaled relieved, as if feeling her touch finally convinced him.

"Tell me it's not worth it" she whispered, placing small kisses on his cheek.

He groaned barely audible, wraping his arm around her, pulling her close.

He kissed her, with eyes still closed, the meeting of their lips slow and passionate, as if it were a seal, a promise that it was, after all, trully worth it.

"It is" he whispered as he pulled her into a strong hug.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hey you two bookworms, what are you up to?" Lorelai burst in the door.

Rory looked up from her desk annoyed. She wondered for a second how her mother had managed to regain her confidence when it came to entering her room without warning when Tristan was here. She frowned slightly realizing that it was probably trust on her part.

Her mother, cynical and and ever the sceptic actually managed to trust her boyfriend, the rebel of her high school.

Life was in deed funny.

She glanced towards Tristan who laid careless on her bed, book in his lap, like always during their afternoons of studying. It was true, he never made a move when they were here.

She smiled inwardly. She knew it was probably an effort. Yes, seamless it might have seemed, but it was surely still an effort. He was after all a teenage boy. That fact had been proven to her on more than one occasions these past couple of weeks, when after having politely said his goodbyes to the Gilmore family after dinner, Tristan sneaked back into her room, once again resuming his practice of climbing through her window.

She didn't once protest.

The first time this happened, a couple of days after their conversation on the night of his parents' party, she was caught off guard. After all, he hadn't been pushing for anything since her breakdown at the lighthouse. On contrary, it was her that had to make her needs known.

She was almost worried for a second that their constant sexual attraction, which had been such a characteristic element of their relationship had suddenly disappeared.

That night at the party, and the one a couple of days later made her forget those fears. He climbed in without saying a word, his eyes saying everything that needed to be told, his movements hasty, demanding, his urge indisputable.

He wanted her indeed.

He might have acted like the perfect gentlemen, when he was in this house in the afternoons, focusing on work, having polite conversations with her mom, playing with her little brother. But he was certainly not that well controlled when he reappeared through her window late at night, to claim what was his, to devour her and have all of her.

It was a strange and exhilarating feeling, even more so than during the first part of their relationship when he would do the very same thing.

Rory wondered why it was such a turn on for her. And why each and every time with him proved to be even more incredible.

She watched his every practiced move with fascination and was amazed every time she seemed to give him satisfaction. It was a new addiction for her, trying to find new ways to impress him, to make him want her more. As if seeing his reaction would be some sort of proof, proof that she was enough to keep him satisfied, despite his obviously vast experience in the field.

She learned something new every night. Learnt what made him lose his mind, what made him go numb with want, what pushed him over the edge. She learned his little signs of pleasure. And she also learned to enjoy his never ending originality.

She had ambiguous feelings towards this. It was no secret that it was years of experience and experimenting that taught him his skills. Before, she might have felt inferior because of this fact. But now, she took it as a compliment. Every time she could make him mumble incoherently in moments of pleasure, make him lose focus and control, it was a victory for her, not just over her own fears but over all the girls he'd been with. Seeing his face in a frown, his breathing fast and erratic, his voice muffled in order to not to draw attention to their activities was a victory for her.

And she'd had quite a winning streak in the past few weeks.

"Okay, earth to Rory, earth to Rory. Please respond" her mother's nagging brought her back from her thoughts.

She shrugged lightly trying to focus her attention to her mother.

"Sorry, zoned out for a sec there" she mumbled, noticing Tristan's smirk which was proof that he knew exactly just where her mind had wandered off to.

"Zoned out is an understatement Missy, you were not just zoned out, you were like hemishpered out, planeted out even, you were so far you need the Hubble telescope just to send you signals and even then it would take years for..."

"Okay mom, I got it. What?" she rolled her eyes trying to stop the ranting.

"Well. As I was saying, before you let your mind drift into the infinite abyss of the galaxies far, far away..." Lorelai started once again, enjoying her performance too much to stop.

"Point, mother, would like for you to get to it about now" she sighed.

"What do you want for dinner?" Lorelai smiled with innocent eyes.

"It doesn't really matter, whatever you want" Rory replied.

"Well, let's ask our wonderful guest of honor then" she said excited turning to a rather amused Tristan.

"Gosh, I think I'll just take a healthy dose of you two rambling on and on, that's enough to ruin any appetite" he smiled wickedly eliciting a mock gasp from Lorelai.

Rory smiled involuntarily. She was faintly reminded of the remark Mandy made at the party, that Tristan indeed had the ability to get along and please anyone if only he felt motivated to do so. She certainly saw that change since she asked him to try harder. It was something that seemed effortless for him, again. He seemed to tap into the weird sense of humor that characterized her family and eased into his role.

She couldn't tell whether he did it because of her or because he actually enjoyed it. It was impossible to tell. She would have liked to believe that it was because he realized how easy and rewarding it really was, but she couldn't escape the nagging feeling that it was not a coincidence that he had never played the boyfriend role to anyone before.

Once again, if she were to feel a bit more pessimistic, she might have considered this as a brittle equilibrium that he maintained for her. Something that worked as long as enough effort was put in and enough reward granted.

But she didn't feel pessimistic, therefore these thoughts were considered and disregarded in the same moment.

It was an interesting change. Not feeling pessimistic. She couldn't identify it as an actual change. It wasn't palpable. It wasn't waking up one morning and not feeling depressed anymore. Sometimes she wasn't even sure there was any change. It was an indefinable matter. Some days she felt exactly the same, with no motivation to think about what was different or what was the same. But some days, it was as though clarity had set in. As though a veil had been lifted from before her eyes, like the past months have been a dense dream, where only Tristan seemed to be definite.

She didn't ponder about how it all happened. What the reason was. She had been on medication since the incident and had been seeing the counsellor as well, but she didn't particularly have faith in either one of them. She didn't believe that her change in mood was a result of one or the other. But it was a result nevertheless. Something she accepted and welcomed even.

It was little things that changed, really. The ability to try to plan, the strength to do things that didn't necessarily please her, the calmness to keep her body under her own control. It was things that anyone else would take for granted, but she took them as a long lost knowledge, found again.

"Ooookay, spooky. Look at her, she is not even listening, she just has these huge abyss eyes, seriously, this is freaking me out" Lorelai's voice once again pulled her out of her thoughts. She looked up slowly focusing on her mother's amused face, then glancing over to Tristan who had a warm smile on his.

"Sorry. I am listening now, sorry" she smiled.

"So, one more time for the people in the back. Thai or Mexican?" Lorelai rambled.

"Much as I love to watch Matt frown at the first taste of anything spicy and Lorelai threatening to disown him because of this" Tristan mused getting up from the bed and dropping his books in his backpack ignoring a glaring Lorelai "I gotta take off"

"Where are you going?" Rory asked.

"Family dinner. Parents are going away to Europe for two weeks, but before they just want to rub in what a huge disappointment I am" he joked smiling, although Rory felt the sorrow hidden in his voice.

"Anyways. I promised to be home. Plus I don't want to leave Mandy in a jam" he mumbled.

Rory got up to walk over to him, her hand going to touch his arm reassuringly and he smiled at her.

"Okay, ookiness coming up, this is my cue to leave" Lorelai mused turning around.

"Actually" Tristan said with a confident voice, pulling Rory close to him and looking at Lorelai "there is something I want to ask" he went on, calmly watching Lorelai turn back with a curious expression.

"My parents are leaving tomorrow and I was thinking of asking Rory over for the weekend" he said as if it were the most natural thing to say to a 17 year old girl's mother.

Rory's eyes widened. She recalled him mentioning something about this trip, but he never said anything about her coming over. She sneaked a peak at her mother, who, not surprisingly stood with mouth opened.

"What?" she asked scoffing.

"I thought she could come over and stay for the weekend" he repeated slowly and Rory could swear she saw a smirk on his face.

"Let me get this straight. You are, flat out, asking me to let my 17 year old daughter go for a weekend long booty call?" Lorelai asked astonished.

Rory winced and buried her reddening face in her hands.

"Well, I am not comfortable calling it a booty call, but whatever tickles your pickle" Tristan smiled sweetly and Rory winced even harder fearing the response this would get from her mother.

There was an unusually long silence and she peaked through her fingers to look at her mother who was standing in the doorway watching the two of them with a serious expression.

"Fine" she finally said.

"What?" Rory asked shocked.

"Thank you" Tristan said cool as ever.

"No road trips. Homework done. And call me every four hours" Lorelai said with a scolding look.

"And you take your pills and you use a condom" she added pointing at each of them, then turning to walk out of the room.

"Mom!" Rory yelled once again shutting her eyes embarrassed.

"Ribbed or original?" Tristan smirked as Rory slapped him on the arm mouthing "Are you crazy?!"

Lorelai turned back with narrowed eyes.

"Don't push it mister" she warned, then walked out.

"But you're supposed to..." Tristan murmured under his breath, earning himself another slap from Rory.

"You are crazy" she hissed turning to him.

He just laughed pulling her in, planting a kiss on her mouth. She pushed him away, her expression still astonished.

"When did you plan all this?"

"I just thought of it" he chuckled, clearly enjoying her distress.

"God, you are so crazy Tristan. Couldn't you have maybe told me beforehand so I could ask her properly?"

"Relax, she agreed, everything's fine" he said.

"No, everything is not fine. Have you not witnessed the same conversation as me? Booty call? Birth control pills, condoms and all?" she rambled, her voice a high shriek.

Tristan sighed letting his arms drop.

"Can we take a breath?" he asked sarcastically.

Rory sighed, closing her eyes groaning.

"Rory" he said , his voice warm, pulling her closer once again "I was laying here watching you study, when it occurred to me that I can't bother to be away from you and that I am sick of having to control what I say or do, because there is always someone around"

His words were hypnotizingly calm and she found herself staring at his lips. He watched her for a second then went on, his voice dropping a notch.

"And I am sick of climbing in your window after midnight to be with you" he said pausing again then moving to whisper in her ear "and I am sick of you having to hold back your screams"

Rory could feel her whole face light up, the burning sensation running up all the way to her ears. She could feel his breath on the side of her face and she suddenly felt like the air wasn't enough.

"So I thought we could make use of the fact that I will be abandoned by my parents and enjoy the weekend" he went on, his voice more matter of fact.

"So what do you say?" he pulled back, looking at her again, a smirk playing on his face.

She looked at him narrowing her eyes for a second then kissed him suddenly, slowly at first, then more demanding.

Tristan moaned enjoying her advances. He pulled away not opening his eyes, resting his forehead against hers.

"I take it that's a yes" he murmured.


	25. It's 3 am, I must be lonely

She opened her eyes lazily, her head dull with sleep. She didn't recognize her surroundings for a second, the darkness in the unfamiliar room making it impossible for her to regain conscious thought.

She sighed, squeezed her eyes and opened them again trying to focus.

She realized she was in his room and the book on which she managed to fall asleep on reminded her of the evening they spent studying after coming home from school.

She rose from his oversized bed and shyly made her way out of his room, the large, unfriendly halls of the huge house even more scary in the darkness. She followed the faint noises coming from the lower floor and found Tristan in the kitchen sitting by the counter staring at a TV screen that was built into the refrigerator door. He seemed lost in thought, not as much looking at the TV screen than looking through it, his face slightly weary. She looked at him for a second, an uneasy feeling momentarily passing through her seeing him sit alone in the darkness.

"My mother would kill for that" she said, her voice still raspy from sleep, drawing attention to herself.

Tristan turned towards her, his expression slightly confused.

"The TV in the fridge" Rory clarified and he acknowledged her with a smile.

"What are you doing here?" she asked quietly walking up to him and pulling herself up onto the stall next to him.

"I couldn't sleep" he explained looking at her.

"You okay?" she asked him narrowing her eyes.

"Yeah" he said brushing the hair back from her face "Tolstoy sure keeps you awake" he mused.

"It was not his fault. It was a long week" she defended the book that she managed to fall asleep on.

He chuckled lightly.

"This house is so quiet" she said, her words actually echoing in the vast and sterile kitchen.

"Yeah" he whispered, his expression slightly disappointed.

"Where is Mandy?" Rory asked.

"She's at some friend's house" Tristan answered.

"You'd be here all alone?" she asked, concern in her voice.

He didn't bother to answer, continuing to brush her hair with his hand instead.

"I don't usually stay here when it's empty" he said quietly not elaborating further.

She looked at his face and suddenly felt the loneliness that radiated from his body, as though long years of neglect had left a certain residue on his skin.

She leaned closer to him kissing his lips gently and he closed his eyes sighing, as if her touch had some sort of a healing power, a calming effect.

"You seem troubled" she whispered, her voice worried.

"It's relative. Up from your cheerful cloud of happy pills, everything seems sad" he chuckled and she scoffed.

"Are you ever not gonna give me a hard time about that?" she sighed smiling.

His face turned serious, a rarity, what with his constant cynical remarks even towards her.

"I'm glad you're better" he murmured and she dropped her gaze, not quiet knowing what to say. Part of her still felt ashamed for taking what seemed like the easier way out, even though she knew her life right now was nothing but easy. Perhaps bearable, but not magically easy.

"What were you thinking about?" she diverted the attention back to him and he sighed instantly, as if the huge looking glass had suddenly been shifted towards him.

"I don't know, just stuff that comes to mind at 3 A.M. when you are staring at a TV screen" he said.

"So quantum physics and the miracle of margarine?" she asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Exactly" he played along "how DO they get it to be so smooth?"

She smiled, then studied his face for a second, contemplating letting the whole question go with that light banter.

Because he seemed to want that.

Then again what did he know if he had to battle insomnia in a house that had everything, including a warm body to lay next to?

"So are you gonna talk to me about it?" she said bluntly, knowing he wouldn't play a game when it comes to her.

She saw him play dumb to a lot of people about a lot of things, but she knew he couldn't play dumb to her. It was as though their words were only a part of their conversations, the rest transpiring between their minds, their bodies. There was no room for misunderstanding. It was a fact they had learned very early on. And though it continued to perplex the both of them, there was no denying it. It was a bond, a connection that tied them together stronger than years of going out or growing up or living together could have.

He shifted uncomfortably, the direct questioning no doubt stirring his thoughts once again.

"Where do you want me to start?" he finally said, a wry smile crossing his features.

"Why does Mandy think you are going to bail on her?" she asked, her voice quiet, but determined, knowing she will have to continue to be blunt with him, if she really did want this conversation.

"Because that's what she thinks I do the best" he replied, his voice solemn.

"That's not true, she adores you" Rory said shaking her head.

"She needs me" he corrected her, making her quiet "For as long as I remember we counted on each other, handled the pressure together, had each other's backs. I guess it's just something you are forced to do when you are treated more like show dogs than actual children growing up" he said, his words quiet, his eyes focusing on the counter in front of him.

"I guess I just got tired of it, tired of always pleasing everyone, tired of meeting the expectations. And stopped doing that" he went on "It put a lot more pressure on her. I became the prodigal son and she became the princess on the pedestal" he smiled wryly.

"I think she does a good job" he went on, his features soft when he spoke about her "But she has to do it alone" he added "You can't blame her for being mad at me. But it doesn't matter. She can live through anything. She is one of those incredible children that flourish without any apparent cause" he mused.

"Maybe you are the cause" she said.

He looked at her chuckling.

"You think too highly of me" he said bitterly "I let her down more times than she deserved to be. She's just to good to see that"

"Why did it change?" she suddenly asked "Why did you give up pleasing everyone?"

He looked at her, his eyes clouded with thought, as if he was trying to dig up a certain memory that could explain it to her.

"There wasn't one specific reason" he shrugged "I guess I just realized one day that I didn't like the fact that my life had been laid out for me even before I was born"

She listened to him, holding her breath, almost as if she were afraid to interrupt his line of thought with the smallest sound.

"It might be a good life" he said, looking up, his eyes strikingly blue "It might be the best possible. But it's not something I chose. I haven't ever had the choice"

He went back to staring at the counter, his words flowing smoothly, barely audible.

"I remember telling him I wasn't going to go to Princeton. That I wasn't going to study law, because I don't want to spend my life defending people for things I don't even know if they are guilty of or not. He wouldn't hear it. He thought it was teenage rebellion. So he sent me away to military camp for that summer. To teach me discipline" he scoffed, a bitter smile on his face.

"I was fourteen for god's sake" he mumbled and Rory felt a sharp pain in her chest watching his face distorted by the memories.

He shrugged lightly, his face returning to the calm expression she knew so well.

"It was tough on Mandy, that summer. For some reason she thinks things are better if I'm around" he pondered.

"Dad's been using military school as a weapon since then. It scares Mandy more than me, honestly" he chuckled bitterly.

He stopped talking now, staring ahead into nothing, his face weary and sad.

She felt herself choke up. She reached out her hand, touching his face lightly as if she could wipe away all the wrong that had been done to him, all the desperate rebellion he felt he had to do in order to make himself be heard. She wished she could make it all okay, all easy with that one brush of her hand.

"Come to bed?" she asked and he nodded, letting her take his hand to lead him up the stairs and into his bedroom.

She wondered if she'd ever seen him like this before. This solemn, this vulnerable.

She pushed him gently towards the bed, making him sit down. He obeyed silently and watched as she stood in front of him and slowly lifted her shirt over her head.

She moved mechanically, desperate to be able to reach him somehow, feeling his distant demeanour. She wanted so bad to be able to help him, like he had managed to help her so many times. She stared at his face as she slowly undressed herself. His eyes were so sad, so full of hurt.

She climbed into his lap, his soft cotton shirt grazing her bare skin and sighed in relief feeling his hands wrap around her pulling her into his hold.

He held her tight, shutting his eyes, inhaling deeply.

He opened his eyes to look at her, the emotions in them changing by the moment.

"I want you" he whispered quietly, the words simple and calm, yet demanding.

She felt her body arouse instantly, as if his voice had some incredible sexual power over her.

She kissed his neck gently as her hands found the hem of his shirt, lifting it off of him slowly as he raised his arms to help her with her task.

The scent of his skin hit her as she moved in closer to be able to feel the heat radiating from his body. She continued to place kisses on his neck, then down on his chest, making him lie back on the bed.

She leaned over him, slowly moving down his body, leaving a trail of small kisses down his chest. Her hands grabbed the hem of his pajamas and pulled on them, his hips rising off the bed in order to give her access. She freed him completely of his clothes and moved to lay on top of him, her center pressing against his arousal.

He sighed closing his eyes, enjoying her weight on himself, his body trembling slightly.

She kissed him gently, then gave in, feeling his desire to taste her and devour her mouth. His tongue danced inside her mouth, his hands pulling her head closer to his.

She straddled him and once again started to plant kisses in the crook of his neck, her lips burning against his cool skin. He let his head drop back to the bed, sighing.

She moved down his chest and his abdomen, his only response a sharp intake of air and his body tensing as she moved further down.

She licked his length as a deep grunt escaped his lips. His muscles tensed again, as if his body were electrocuted and she felt her own heart start to race.

She took him in her mouth slowly making him curse quietly. She sucked on him gently, her own arousal guiding her movements. His soft moans seemed to turn her on even more and she grabbed his cock with one hand, while her mouth slowly slid off of him. She started moving her hand up and down, grasping tight, while her tongue darted out to lick his tip with every pumping motion.

He cursed again, his voice cracking as she increased her speed, feeling him become more and more hard in her hand.

"Stop" he whispered, barely audible as he pulled her up, his strength taking her by surprise.

He flipped them around suddenly, throwing her on her back and coming to rest on top of her, his breathing laboured.

He was motionless for a second as if trying to regain his composure over his body.

He finally looked up, his eyes shining and dark at the same time, his intensity making her gasp.

She stared at his face, inches away from hers and she suddenly felt him slip inside of her with one sudden motion. Her eyes fluttered shut, feeling him fill her up and she lifted her hips involuntarily to give him more access. She moaned and he thrust into her again, hard and deep, his movements desperate.

She felt a sweet ache between her legs, an incredible need to feel him inside of her as deep as possible, the warmness slowly penetrating into her abdomen with his every thrust.

She bit on her lip to suppress the moans escaping her mouth, too used to having to be in control of her body.

He looked into her eyes, his hands framing her face, his hips grinding into hers rhythmically.

"Don't" he whispered and she forced her eyes open to be able to focus on him "it's just us, don't hold back" he whispered, his voice strained and she felt her face fire up, even as her whole body was already in flames.

She closed her eyes, once again letting the incredible feeling in the pit of her abdomen take over her senses, moaning loud, finally not afraid of anyone witnessing their passion.

He moaned in response, his voice strong and strained at the same time, the sound making her shiver.

They moved together, finally able to let go and be careless, their voice filling the chronically silent halls, their passion seemingly bathing the walls in a warm glow.

His hands caressed her face and moved down to her neck, her breasts, her stomach, his fingers dancing on her skin and then finally finding her clit, gently circling it, making her lose all conscious thought. She heard screams break from her chest and she felt her body shake vigorously as she came, mumbling incoherently into his ear.

Her body shook for long seconds and she slowly felt her senses come back down. She opened her eyes seeing him above her, staring at her motionless, his cock still inside of her.

He pulled out of her slowly making her moan.

"Turn around" he whispered, his voice shaking lightly and her eyes snapped open, seeing his eyes aroused and full of lust, his lips quivering as if his body was raging against his own control.

She obeyed silently, turning to rest her weight on her knees and her hands, pushing her ass back towards him.

She heard him inhale sharply as he straightened himself to kneel behind her, his rock hard member grazing her entrance from behind.  
She whimpered quietly wanting to feel him inside of her again, wanting to feel his release and she moaned loud again as she felt his cock slide into her, her wetness guiding him.

He moaned as well pushing himself as deep as possible into her, sending a shock up along her spine.

She whimpered again and it seemed to make him go wild. His hands resting on her hips, he guided her, his cock plunging into her again and again, each thrust harder and deeper. His pace became frantic, and he pounded into her, his breathing more and more erratic as he panted her name.

She came again contracting around him violently, her face buried into the pillows and she felt him slam into her one last time, then heard his scream of pleasure as he spilled into her.

He collapsed on top of her, their sweaty bodies clinging to each other as their breathing calmed slowly.

She felt his hands wrap around her waist, pulling her into him, and his kisses on her back as they laid on their sides.

She laid quietly, listening to his breathing for long minutes, caressing his hand that rested on her stomach.

"I'm glad you're here" he whispered into her ear, sending a light shiver down her spine.

She turned around brushing his hair back, smiling as she studied his face, sweaty and spent.

"So am I" she whispered, her chest filled with emotion "I wish I could help" she added, trying to explain herself desperately.

He closed his eyes, letting his body relax in her hold, and smiled.

"You are" he said.

"Everything is going to be fine" she whispered, more to convince herself than him.

"I know" he answered, his voice calm but resigned at the same time.

It made her shiver slightly, that tone.

It was the tone of someone who already accepted their fate.

She pulled him closer to herself as if her hold could protect the two of them from everything in the world. She sighed hoping that it really would.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She sat out in the meticulously designed garden, the leaves of the dozens of trees situated around her covering the ground with a thick and rattling blanket. She pulled her coat tight around her, her breath already visible in the early winter cold.

She looked around the peaceful place, for a second regretting the fact she grew up in a house with a backyard ruined by pink plastic flamingos and freaky looking ceramic midgets.

She heard his footsteps approach her from behind and anticipated his touch. She gasped as a hot and steaming cup of coffee descended in front of her face, his hand attached firmly to the handle.

"I love you!" she exclaimed grabbing the cup and taking a sip from the hot liquid while he came around the bench chuckling.

"God, you're easy to please" he mused sitting down next to her.

"Coffee's all it takes" she mumbled between sips, concentrating on the beverage.

"Is that so? Should have told me that sooner, would have saved me the trouble of finding different ways to please you last night" he murmured suggestively into her ear, planting a kiss on her reddening ear.

She still felt flushed when she was reminded of their late-night or rather early morning activities. His solemn mood had somehow turned into a unappeasable urge to satisfy her, to make her lose control again and again, to have her scream his name in agony and ecstasy until her body was completely spent and capable of nothing more than to cling to him shaking. As if her words, whimpers and moans could prove to him he was, after all good for something. He attacked her body with a possessed ferocity, pushing her to just inches away from her edge, then not quite giving her what she wanted, to a point where she could do nothing else but beg, if not with words, then with the look in her eyes, the grasp of her hands around his head. It was as though he felt a silent satisfaction by seeing that look in her face, that faltering of her gaze right before she came crashing hard under his touch, his tongue, his hold.

She remembered for a second what it was like to wake up after all this, hardly in the morning, but more so in the afternoon, the weak light from the winter sky sneaking in through his blinds. She opened her eyes to find him studying her face, his eyes calm and slightly cold and only warming with recognition after a couple of seconds.

There was something strangely familiar and frightening about that look in his eyes and the fact that he had probably been laying there for a long time motionless, watching her sleep.

"I guess the better part of the day is wasted" he murmured looking out over the garden as she sipped her coffee replaying the memories in her head.

"That's what you get for staying up all night" she stated bluntly.

He chuckled turning towards her, leaning back on the bench.

"I didn't hear you complain last night" he said, making her blush again, then with a hint of mischief in his eyes, he went on "Oh, no, wait now, I did hear you complain, but if I recall correctly it was because I wasn't quiet fast and hard enough"

She scoffed, hiding her eyes behind her palm, embarrassed by his reminder.

"What do you want to do?" she asked, trying to stir the conversation away from the topic.

"I guess you are dying to get to your homework, it has, after all been almost 12 hours since you've last opened a book" he mused.

She glared at him, biting her lip to keep herself from correcting him, that it really has already been 14 hours.

"You know what? Maybe we could just have today off. We can worry about homework tomorrow" she said suddenly.

He smirked.

"Are you running a fever?" he asked.

"Oh come on, I can take it easy for a day. Come on. Tell me what you usually do on a Saturday afternoon" she said.

He looked out onto the garden again stretching out his long, lean legs.

"I don't know, it depends, I guess. Have horrible family lunches, hole up in my room and listen to music, sneak over to your place, hang out with Dave and the guys"

Her eyes lit up.

"Let's go and hang out with them then" she said.

He looked at her furrowing his brows.

"You want to hang out with the guys?" he asked skeptically.

"Oh" she said "is that a guy thing to do? I mean are girls not welcomed?"

"No. It's not that. I just thought you didn't like them much" he shifted uncomfortably.

"I like them" she protested "I do. I feel like a stiff nerd when I am around them, but I like them" she said.

He chuckled.

"A stiff nerd?" he asked.

"Well, it's just that they are so cool and laid back or whatever. I am this stupid bookworm and they probably don't know what you're doing with me" she rambled.

"Oh they know what I'm doing with you" he chuckled, his words thick with innuendo.

She gasped and felt herself turn a deep shade of red.

"What?" she shrieked.

He laughed enjoying her distress but played it off.

"Nothing. I just meant they probably saw I was crazy about you the last time we were with them at the party"

She narrowed her eyes, not totally believing his explanation but letting it go nevertheless.

"Well, let's go" she said quietly.

He looked at her curiously.

"Why is this important all of a sudden?" he asked.

She shrugged.

"I want you to have a nice day. We are always doing things I want to and you are always working so hard to please the people I like. I can try with the people you like"

He smiled.

"Okay" he said.


	26. Insecurity is a threeway street

She got out of the car he had just parked.

"Seriously, this is where you always hang out?" she asked bewildered looking to the far side of the parking lot to where a couple of kids were standing in a small circle.

"It's nice. No police stations near by. It's certainly big enough. And beer is close by. What more do you want?" he grinned.

She shut the door behind her and walked after Tristan, her steps not quite as confident as she wished they'd be. She suddenly felt nervous about coming here. Yes, at the time they talked about it, it seemed like an easy task, to do something for him that would make him feel good, that would please him. Now she realized that she wasn't exactly a social butterfly.

"Hey, Tristan, man! Look at that, the prodigal son returns!" she heard one of the guys exclaim and the rest of them turned towards a now smiling Tristan.

Rory caught a glimpse of his face and realized for a second that it was one of the rare moments when he looked careless, worryless and his own age, without the usual allure of frustration and seriousness that somehow managed to stain his demeanour.

"How you doing guys" he said smiling giving a hug to Dave and doing what looked like an inside handshake with a couple of other guys.

"Gentlemen, you remember my stiff nerd of a girlfriend, right?" he turned back to extend a hand towards Rory, whose mouth dropped open.

Tristan smiled wickedly and pulled her into a hug.

"Yes of course, fair Isolde" Dave smiled giving Rory a hug.

"How you doing Rory?" Tom asked smiling.

"I'm fine guys, what are you all up to?" she asked shyly.

"Well, our good chap Tom here, has just been telling us a story. Contemplating the wonders of medieval troubadour poetry" Dave joked as the other guys laughed, while Tom sighed.

"Really? Is that code for another 'How I got detention this week' story?" Rory chuckled.

"Look at that, she's met you once and knows you already" Dave laughed.

"Oh come on now, that's not what all my stories are about" Tom frowned.

"There are also the 'How I got really drunk and woke up not knowing where I was' ones" Rory murmured and the guys laughed at a slightly pissed Tom.

"Hey now, I used to like you" Tom pointed a finger at her, his tone playfully warning.

"Wanna beer, Tris?" one of the guys held up a can.

"Nah. Gotta drive the lady back home" he said resting his back against the hood of a car next to Dave placing his arms around Rory's waist and pulling her back into his hold.

"I can drive, you can have a drink" Rory said glancing back at him.

Tristan scoffed.

"Oooh. I think we are witnessing a dis here, my good lads" Dave chuckled taking a sip from his beer.

"What?" Rory turned around to face Tristan with a questioning expression.

"Nothing baby" he said as quietly as he could glancing around nervously "except that my car is still a stick shift"

The guys chuckled.

"I've been practicing" Rory stated proudly while Tristan tried to maintain a straight face.

"With a stick shift?" he asked amused.

"Oh I bet you have, baby" Dave said looking Rory up and down earning a slap in the stomach from Tristan.

"Yeah, back home with dad. His car is a stick shift too. I am getting pretty good"

"Oh I wanna see this" Tom chuckled.

"Yeah Trissipoo, let the gal drive your car" Dave said barely keeping a straight face.

"Shut up" Tristan chuckled then turned to Rory "now, are you sure? Remember what happened the last time you tried to drive my car?"

"You let her drive your car?" Dave asked bewildered "Dude, I've known you 3 years and you don't even let me sit in the passenger seat! This must be love"

"That was weeks ago, okay? I've had substantial practice since then" she stated not backing down.

"Well, I guess it's a huge empty parking lot, so we can give it a try" Tristan shook his head as if he'd already regretted his decision.

He dug into his coat pocket, tossing Rory his car keys.

"Bring the car here. Try not to hit us" he smirked and Rory glared at him as she caught the keys.

She turned around and walked back to his car, ignoring the snickering and whispering from behind her. She unlocked the car door and looked back to glance at Tristan who was looking at her smiling, although clearly in disbelief.

She got into the car and took a deep breath.

"Okay, you can do this" she whispered and turned the ignition, remembering the clutch.

She had been practicing with her dad these past few weeks. It was actually her that offered, trying to find an activity that they can bond over. His dad seemed happy to oblige, no doubt still feeling a bit out of place when it came to Rory and the sudden changes that he had to see in her.

She put the car into gear and slowly started rolling towards the other end of the parking lot, to where the other guys were all standing, amids their cheers and applause.

She smiled a wide smile and turned left, in order to show all her skills. Then she stepped on the brakes, put the car in reverse and drove in a small circle to be facing the guys again happy to see their impressed faces. Tristan stood up from the hood of the car he was leaning against and clapped taking a few steps towards her.

"You have been practicing! Not once did the engine die on you, look at that" he chuckled.

Rory narrowed her eyes and stepped on the gas, the car jerking ahead and stopping just in front of Tristan who jumped back in surprise.  
"Hey!" he exclaimed putting out both his arms in defence while the guys behind him laughed wholeheartedly.

Rory once again stepped on the gas, then hit the breaks, forcing Tristan to take another leap back.

"Yeah, very funny!" he glared and she just arched an eyebrow at him, repeating her little game once again.

"Okay, that's it! Out of my car" he said in mock frustration and Rory turned off the engine laughing getting out of the car.

Tristan walked up to her shaking his head from side to side.

"You were having way too much fun there" he scolded her with a smile and snatched the keys from her hand.

"What? Just wanted to show you all my skills" she shrugged with an innocent smile on her lips.

"You got skills alright" he said kissing her then placing an arm around her shoulder as they walked back to the guys.

"Ahhh guys, hit me with a beer, milady will drive tonight" he chuckled.

"Alright" Dave laughed and tossed Tristan a beer while Rory chuckled moving closer to him.

"So Rick is having a party tonight" Tom said stirring the conversation to plans later that night.

"Yeah, we should go. Rory, Tris, you don't have any plans, do you?" Dave asked glancing towards the two.

Tristan looked at Rory questioningly and Rory just smiled.

"Yeah, I guess I'm up for some Journey" she chuckled.

"That's my girl" Tristan smiled as he kissed the top of her head.

xxxxxxxxxxx

She stood in the crowded living room looking over the cheerful crowd and contemplated how different it seemed to her now than a couple of weeks ago when she was at a similar party. She felt more at ease, even though she couldn't say she knew much more people. Still, she didn't feel like a complete outsider. She didn't know the reason for the change, or rather didn't want to ponder about it right now. This was, after all, a night to enjoy, to have fun.

She looked over to Tristan standing with Dave near the kitchen enjoying, what appeared to be his 3rd or 4th beer of the evening. She looked at him with a considerate amount of relief. Even though she felt like she managed to help him the night before, to take his mind off of things that bothered him, it was good to see him carefree and enjoying himself. It was good to see him in his element.

"Hey, you Rory?" she heard a cheerful voice and turned around to see a pretty girl with long brown hair and bright green eyes.

"Yeah" she mumbled not knowing what to make of it.

"Hey, I'm Lisa" she said smiling, her words slightly slurred.

"Hi" she smiled back.

"Oh, sorry, I must seem like a freak, I just heard so much about you and I wanted to meet you" she explained chuckling.

"Heard about me?" Rory looked around uneasy.

"Yeah, I mean you are the girl who finally got Tristan to settle, right?" she laughed and Rory blushed.

"Uhm, yeah, I guess" she said.

"Okay, tell me how you did it" the girl moved closer, dramatically lowering her voice "Did you kidnap his dog? Threatened to tell everyone he likes Boys II Men?" she joked, obviously having fun.

Rory couldn't help but smile. This all could have seemed a bit out of line, but there was something about this girl that she liked.  
"I've watched these freaks for years play they are independent and hard to get and blablabla" she laughed again rolling her eyes "but I know them deep down, they are just a bunch of softies" she snickered.

"How do you know them?" Rory asked, the girl's good mood contagious.

"Oh, I'm Dave's sister, sorry, I didn't do a proper introduction, I was supposed to say that after my name so you won't think I am a crazy stalker after them, hah!" she laughed again and Rory smiled too.

"Okay, I see my little sister's had too much to drink again" she heard Dave say and turned arund to see Tristan, Tom and Dave approach.

Tristan slid up behind her and kissed the crook of her neck. She could smell the soft whisp of alcohol and feel his skin was warm against hers.

"Hey" he murmured into her ear, his voice making her blush slightly. She mused over the fact that even a greeting could sound so dirty coming from his mouth.

"How you doin', Lisa?" a nervous looking Tom asked and Rory could see Lisa's eyes light up with mischief.

"I'm doing quite alright, Thomas, how are you doing this fine evening?" she sang, her voice dropping a notch, while she placed her hand on her hips, the boy's eyes instantly darting to that place.

"Y-y-you wanna dance or somethin'?" he asked, his stuttering evident. Rory was reminded of his speech problem, one that seemed to be depending on the situation and the people around. He seemed much more relaxed when it was just his guys, she thought smiling inwardly.

"Well, Thomas" the girl started, no doubt enjoying the effect she had on the read haired guy "I might just take you up on that offer later on" she whispered seductively walking up to him and brushing past him "but right now, I'm gonna take Rory for a spin" she said smiling "She looks like she needs to losen up" and with that she grabbed Rory's hand, dragging her after herself amids the astonished faces of the boys.

"She's definitely had too much to drink" Rory heard Dave murmur amused but soon she couldn't hear the boys anymore. Lisa was dragging her to the middle of the living room which served as a makeshift dancfloor and the music was already blaring loud.

The girl stopped and turned around smiling at Rory.

"Okay, girlie, let's have some fun!" she shouted and started dancing to the beat of the song.

Rory watched her for a second and realized she was definitely a person she could like. Carefree and a good sense of humor, obviously unbiased by the opinion of others. She wished she could be like that, but she already felt herself looking around very self-aware.

"Uhm, I am not much of a dancer" she shouted as quietly as possible, so only Lisa would hear.

The brunette looked at her laughing.

"Oh, shut up! Everybody knows how to dance! What you're saying is you haven't head enough to drink!" she laughed grabbing a drink from a guy dancing nearby, flashing him a blinding smile in return.

"Here you go" she laughed, handing Rory the drink.

"Uhm, thanks, but I probably shouldn't, I'm driving" she mumbled.

"Oh come on, you can stay for the night, Rick is cool" she said.

"It's okay really. I shouldn't. I am... taking some medication, I am not sure I should..." she said, suddenly very aware of her problems once again.

The girl looked at her, as if suddenly seeing into her thoughts and smiled a warm smile.

"No problem" she said, leaning closer to Rory "I actually only had one drink, the rest is endogenous crazyness" she winked at Rory and she smiled in return.

"We can still dance!" she exclaimed yanking Rory closer to her "come on!" she laughed, her mood contagious and free and Rory suddenly felt herself let go. She let the girl place her hand on her own hips guiding her movements to match the beat of the song.

"There you go, girlie, you got it!" she enthused "Now turn around!" she giggled as she pushed her back against Rory's dancing against her.

Rory couldn't help but laugh, the utter crazyness of the situation, of her dancing with another girl who had boys stuttering with one bat of her eyelashes. She closed her eyes and let the music take over her body, swaying her hips from side to side and moving her arms in the air, her head dropped back against the girl's head who was dancing as well.

She heard Lisa's bubbling laughter and opened her eyes. The brunette turned around and her body slid up against hers, her hands on Rory's hips turning her slightly towards the direction they came from. She leaned in close, whispering in Rory's ear.

"Look at those drooling freaks" she laughed and Rory suddenly saw the three guys staring astonished from where they had left them. Tristan's eyes were glued to her own body, his face frozen in utter disbelief and she was pretty sure he was turned on.

"That's my cue" Lisa giggled and let go of Rory, walking confidently towards a staring Tom. She grabbed his shirt and turned around to drag him back to the dancefloor letting him brush up against her as she started dancing seductively, grinding her hips into his.

Rory supressed a smile and turned his attention back to Tristan who now seemed to manage to regain conscious thought and patting Dave on the shoulder started walking in Rory's direction.

As if telling herself that she didn't indeed need any alcohol to tap into some of that endogenous crazyness, she started swaying her hips once again, not taking her eyes off of Tristan's. He reached her and instantly slid up against her, one hand going around to circle her waist and the other going up to the back of her head pulling her close to him. He inhaled deeply as he buried his face in the crook of her neck.

"What are you doing, woman?" he groaned, his voice husky.

She couldn't help but laugh, feeling his obvious arousal.

"Nothing, just dancing" she tried to say as innocently as possible.

Tristan groaned again, pushing his hips into hers trying to get any type of friction.

"Why, that turn you on?" she went on, her voice strangely confident.

Tristan scoffed.

"Uhm, geez, I don't know" he looked up, his eyes staring into the distance in mock seriousness "My girlfriend bumping and grinding with another girl? Hmmm. That's a tough one. Does that turn me on? Does that turn me on?" he mused, drawing out the words.

Rory giggled and pulled him closer, her hands clasping the thin soft cotton of his shirt.

"Oh now, Tristan, you're gonna go and make me think you've never been in a three-way before" she joked lightheartedly but instantly froze seeing Tristan squeeze his eyes and biting his lower lip.

"Oh my god, you've been in a three-way before!" Rory exclaimed, her eyes wide.

Tristan looked around in distress, as if he'd just been caught stealing candy.

"Oh! MY! GOD!" Rory repeated, her words drawing the attention of some of the people around them.

Tristan scratched his head, looking around uneasily as if searching for something. He grabbed Rory's hand pulling her after him, leading her out of the living room and through a long hallway to the back part of the house that was dark and less crowded. He suddenly turned a dark corner and opened a small door, pulling Rory inside a small closet that was just enough to hold the two of them. He turned around slumping down on a suitcase and let his head drop back against the wall sighing.

He took a deep beath and looked up at Rory, who was standing in front of him, still processing her new knowledge.

"Rory" he said slowly "maybe I should tell you I've been in a three-way" he said wincing, but with a light smirk playing on his face.

"I don't even know why I'm shocked anymore" she said sighing, strange feelings stirring in her chest.

Yeah, she certainly knew he was experienced. And that he had quiet a history with the ladies. He had, after all, listed his impressive list of strange randezvous spots fairly early on. But somehow she just hadn't thought about his history in a long time. The two of them had such an unusal and non-conformist sex life, she forgot that he was probably used to this or even to more racy get-togethers. She suddenly felt inexperienced, childish and ashamed, like her every effort could only be enough to make him smile and nothing else.

"Rory, look, this obviously wasn't last week" he said, trying to save the situation.

"When was it then? And with whom?" she asked not as much out of jealousy than curiosity. As if knowing these facts could help her decide what the hell he was doing with her.

"God, I don't know, it was like a year ago. And you don't know them... both" he mumbled frustrated.

She froze. Don't know them both? She suddenly felt her stomach churn.

"That girl?" she asked, her words barely coming out.

"Yeah, Jen" he said, rubbing his temples "and trust me it wasn't as good as it sounds. It's overrated"

"Oh my god" she mumbled, the air in the small space suddenly not enough.

Tristan stood up pinning her against the door.

"Rory" he said, his voice deep, calm.

She closed her eyes exhaling.

"Rory, look at me"

She opened her eyes, despite herself.

"It was a stupid teenage fantasy and I did it, because every guy is dying to do it once, it was ... nothing" he struggeld with the words.

"How am I enough for you?" she suddenly said, her voice strong, determined.

"How am I, inexperienced and dull, enough for you?" she repeated, her face full of emotions.

"You are confusing two things" he said calmly.

"Oh yeah?" she shot back, suddenly pissed.

"Yeah. You're confusing sex and being in love and making love" he said slowly.

She scoffed.

"Oh okay, so that's what we were doing from day one, right? Making sweet love out by the lake with me pushed up against that tree" she spat, her words cynical.

His eyes fired up, but he didn't move, just took a deep breath instead.

"Don't do this, Rory" he said, his voice warning.

"Do what?" she shot back, carried away by her frustration.

"Make me feel guilty for how it all happened. So what if it was fucking? We are past this problem, okay? I don't think I have to explain to you, after all that happened, why I'm still around" he said, his voice not so calm anymore "let me tell you, it's not for fucking sex"

"I am aware of that!" she shot back "that's my problem exactly! You are obviously not in it for sex, because I don't see how this could be interesting for you with me being just one girl, and not a professional stripper!" she yelled frustrated.

"Just what is your point, Rory?" he raised his voice, his eyes now glaring.

"I don't know what my point is Tristan" she groaned.

He suddenly moved closer lifting her off her feet, pushing her against the door of the closet.

"Listen to me" he said, his voice shaking from anger or from something else, she couldn't say for sure "You turn me on with one glide of your hand, okay? You make me have to control myself constantly, when I'm with you" he said, his voice low, his words raw, making her head swirl.

"And it's not because I want to fuck you in every possible way known to mankind, but because being with you is the most intense and incredible feeling I've ever experienced. It's better than being with anyone, it's better than being with two girls, it's better than fucking a stranger on a fucking train. If you are thinking I am bored with you or not satisfied with you, you are insane" he finished his speech and crashed his lips into hers with an intensity that overwhelmed her instantly.

She kissed back, her eyes shut tight, her lips opening to let his tongue slide into her mouth, to explore every inch of it.

She broke away gasping for air and he rested his forehead against hers with his eyes closed, still holding her up against the door.

"You are so much better than anyone I met" he whispered, eyes still closed, as if he was embarrassed to confess "because you drive me absolutely insane" he smirked.

"You might not even know it at the time, but you can do something that makes me cum in my pants. It's crazy"

She blushed dropping her gaze.

"Really? Like what?" she asked, her voice curious.

He smirked again.

"Like just now, when you were dancing and you felt silly so you closed your eyes, because that's the only way you feel you can let go. You do the same when you take your shirt off for me or when you finally let my hand slide up under your skirt when we're riding in the car. It's that moment when you give in, it gives me the strangest high" he paused, opening his eyes and licking his lips.

"Or when you do that breathy voice of yours about something completely random, like a book you're reading or a stupid story about your little brother, and you just get lost in thought for a second and your voice falters a bit and I swear I am a fucking psycho for that, but that turns me on to no end"

She giggled now.

"You're making this up" she said almost pouting.

"No I'm not" he laughed "I wish"

"Fine, let me try" she said "I think I know what you mean, I just have to think of something to distract me..." she said, sure as hell, her voice becoming breathy as she trailed off and she saw his eyes cloud over with want instantly.

"Oh my god, you are totally sick!" she exclaimed and he laughed, his whole body shaking.

"Yeah, I am, no point in denying" he groaned.

She studied his face for a second.

"You really think I could make you cum in your pants?" she asked a playful smirk on her lips.

He smiled groaning.

"Let's not do that, I am gonna have to face a house full of drunk people making fun of me if I go out there with a stain on my pants that glows under the black lights"

She chuckled.

"I guess I am gonna have to make you cum in something other than your pants then" she said with the most innocent look she could manage pulling him in for another kiss.

He groaned again.

"There you go" he murmured "that almost made me cum"

She chuckled and kissed him again, her tongue tasting the alcohol from his. His kiss became more urgent, his tongue darting into her mouth again and his body pushing her against the door with her one leg going around his waist and his hand sliding up along her smooth leg under her skirt.

She suddenly pushed him away, her hands resting on his chest and he looked at her with a quiestioning expression, panting hard.

She smiled a wicked smile and his eyebrow shot up as he narrowed his eyes.

"So how does that work anyways?" she asked, holding back a smile.

"How does what work?" he asked, his voice slightly suspicious.

"You with two girls? I mean, you have your limits too" she bit her lip trying to keep from smiling "There's only so many things you can stick into places..." her words faltered as she felt his fingers pull her panties aside and slide inside her. He looked at her with a smirk on his face.

"Oh... okay... I get it" she moaned, realization dawning on her face and he laughed kissing the side of her face.

"You're crazy" he whispered as he started moving his fingers inside of her.

"Oh, I'm crazy?" she asked, her voice becoming breathy as her head dropped back against the door.

"Yeah" he whispered.

"Well you're the one living out teenage sex fantasies" she murmured, her eyes fluttering shut as she felt him inside her.

"You're the one taking advantage of me in a closet" he smirked.

"Oh please, you've probably done that a thousand times too" she dragged out the words.

"For your information" he moved to whisper in her ear, his voice dropping a notch "this is my first time"

She opened her eyes smiling, her hands going to unbuckle his pants.

"Ooooh, I feel priviliged" she hummed and he groaned as she yanked his pants off.

He stepped back slightly, his fingers sliding out of her and her legs finally reaching the ground again. He fished his valet out of his back pocket, his movements hasty and she smiled watching the familiar routine of him taking out a condom.

"Put it on" he whispered, handing her the wrapper and she blushed feeling his eyes on her. This was usually his task and she felt her heartbeat speed up by the expectation.

She carefully tore the wrapper, pulling out the condom and moved to place it on his hard cock, her movements insecure.

He followed her hands with his eyes, licking his lips.

"Hold onto the tip and roll" he whispered with a small smile, his request sending a chill down her spine.

She obeyed, following his directions, having a bit of trouble overcoming the resistence.

"Don't worry" he whispered leaning closer to her "you can be rougher" he smiled and she felt her heart beat in her chest as she squeezed harder, managing to roll the thin rubber onto him as he moaned in pleasure.

She blushed again, unable to look into his eyes and gasped as he lifted her, pinning her to the door again. Her legs went around his waist and he tilted her face with one hand to be able to look her in the eye.

He waited for a second, her arousal growing by every moment, then finally slid into her, painfully slow, as her eyes fluttered shut.  
"See? That fluttering of your eyes makes me want to cum" he whispered into her ear and she shivered, letting out a soft moan.  
"And that moan" he added, her face firing up again hearing his words.

He pulled out of her slowly, then thrust into her again, another moan escaping her lips.

"And that" he groaned as he repeated his movements, setting a steady rhythm.

"And your hands clasping my back" he murmured "and you biting your lip" he strained as she mirrored his descriptions with her movements.

"And your walls contracting around me" he went on, his breathing becoming more ragged "and your hips lifting to give me more to sink into" he moaned "and your panting when I speed up... your voice begging me... you calling my name..." he murmured, his words frantic, his thrusts firm and deep.

She felt herself approach her edge, his movements and his low murmuring both exciting her. She bit down on her lip and let her head drop back, her moans becoming louder as she felt her orgasm build up deep inside her.

She felt his hand cover her mouth as she came hard, her cries muffled. She forced her eyes open seeing his deep blue ones clouded with desire inches away from hers.

"And that" he groaned as he shut his eyes, his face distorted in a frown as he thrust into her one last time, finally cuming as he tensed, trying to keep himself from revealing them by screaming in pleasure.

She watched him and felt her own body go limp as her legs dropped back to the floor. She felt him collapse against her, both their weights supported by the door.

He burried his face into the crook of her neck panting hard and her hands brushed through his hair as she exhaled, totally satisfied and reassured.


	27. Steal some covers, share some skin

His bed was incredibly comfortable. Big and warm and soft. This was her first conscious thought of that day even though it was already past noon, not even technically Sunday morning anymore.

It was the kind of winter day when you could feel the gloom from outside, even though the blinds were closed. She didn't mind, because she felt the warm body next to her, radiating a sort of comfort that seemed to make the gloom seem friendlier too.

She opened her eyes blinking, stretching between the dark sheets of his bed.

"Good morning" he mumbled, pulling her close and she couldn't help but smile.

It was a rare moment after all, the two of them waking up in the same bed after having slept enough, and without the stress of being caught or anyone possibly breaking in on them.

She kissed his lips lightly and mirrored his greeting, then moved to lay her head on his chest.

"I love Sundays" he said sighing.

"Why?" she chuckled.

"They are lazy. You are rested or spent, depending on the Saturday before. But it's the last resort, I guess" he murmured, his voice still husky from sleep.

She traced lazy circles on his chest listening to his chest vibrate with his words as she rested her head on it.

"How did we get home?" he asked suddenly

She laughed.

"I drove" she said proudly.

"You are kidding" he said in disbelief.

"It was pretty hard too, with you hanging out of the window and singing on the top of your lungs"

"Hmmm. I guess that explains the hoarse voice" he mused and she giggled.

"Did you have fun?" he asked kissing the top of her head and brushing his fingers through her hair.

"Yeah, it was nice" she said, thinking back on the memories from the previous night.

"So how do you know these guys?" she suddenly wondered. It was not exactly a crowd he was raised with probably.

"Well, I met Dave first and then I met the others through him" he said, his voice becoming slightly tense.

"How did you meet Dave?" she asked.

"Military camp" he replied curtly and she looked up at him curiously.

"He stole some car or something" he shrugged.

"How was that... the camp?" she asked, concern in her voice.

"Oh it was all fun and games, bonfire every night" he said, obviously not serious as he sat up propping himself up on a pillow.

Rory looked at him trying to see behind his jokes.

"It was... you know" he shrugged, his eyes suddenly clouded.

She didn't push it anymore.

"You got a good friend out of it" she said.

"Yeah" he smiled.

"So what do you want to do today?" he asked, suddenly changing the subject.

"Hmmm. I don't know. Can we just lay here a while?" she murmured.

"Definitely" he grinned.

"I am starting to share your liking Sundays for the laziness point of view" she said and he chuckled.

"Yeah, I am also enjoying the empty house. This is how we should be, no one to bug us" he sighed.

"So, I've been thinking" she suddenly said rolling over him to look up at his face, her voice determined, the topic suddenly rushing to the center of her attention from the back of her head.

"Oh-oh, that sounds scary" he tried to lighten the mood.

"I think I wanna do journalism" she said.

"Ooookay. Is that something new, cause I have a faint memory of you repeating that phrase like a droid since I met you" he said, sarcastic as always.

She rolled her eyes and sat up to straddle him, the sheets loosening around her and falling to her waist as she looked at his face, her eyes sparkling.

"No. I mean, I am sure of it" she said, her voice excited. She followed his eyes to were his were glued to, realizing her breast were exposed.

"Okay, hey, focus!" she slapped him.

"Forgive me, I am listening" he snickered, trying to show a serious face.

"So I was saying, before you became a twelve year old horny kid..."

"Ouch" he did a mock frown as if the remark had hurt him.

"I wasn't sure when it all... you know..." she trailed off and his face became serious now, his hand caressing her arm.

"But I sat down and I made a list and I realized it wasn't just a childhood dream... It's what I would be good at. It's what I want to do" she said looking up at him.

He smiled.

"I'm glad" he said kissing her lightly on the lips "although I do think that the list making is further proof of your psychological problems" he joked and she slapped him again playfully.

"And I thought about it and I am excited to go to college, you know?" she said looking up with sparkling eyes.

He sighed, an uneasy feeling echoing in his eyes as he dropped his gaze.

"I mean, I want that, the campus, the classes, ones that you chose, ones that you are actually interested in, and teachers that are intelligent and there to really teach and not just to earn a living and kids that are finally away from home and on their own to figure out their lives and the atmosphere and the parks and the libraries, my god I want the libraries!" she rambled, her voice getting more and more excited by the minute.

He listened to her.

"I can you see you there" he said quietly looking up into her eyes.

"Can you maybe see yourself there with me?" she asked timidly, her eyes hopeful.

"Rory" he tensed, shifting his weight uncomfortably.

"No, just hear me out, okay?" she cut in, pushing him back on the bed "I've been thinking about this too, okay? I love this" she motioned around herself "the fact that we are here alone and we get to decide what to do with our day without anyone butting in and the fact that we can study, but then chill as well, and make food together and just be. I mean, wouldn't you like that? We could get a small apartment off campus and we could be just the two of us and it would be so cozy and nice" she was rambling now.

"Rory" he repeated her name again sighing.

"And I know that you have this whole plan of figuring out your life before you go to college and travelling, but I thought maybe you could consider it anyway. I mean just because you go to college, you don't have to give up on all those dreams, you can still travel and do stuff, but it would get your parents off your back and things would be so much easier..."

"Rory" he tried again.

"No, just hear me out" she said desperately, her eyes piercing him "Wouldn't you want that? Wouldn't you like this?" she motioned around them once again.

He sighed.

"I would, Rory, but..." he said.

"Then just consider it" she cut him off excited "We don't have to decide on anything right now, we have time. All I'm saying is just consider it, okay?"

He sighed glancing around.

"I could do that" he said, as though it was an effort.

"Thank you" she squealed, hugging him and kissing his face "oh my god, I found the nicest programs for architecture, there are so many colleges in Boston that you could chose, or I am not dead set on Harvard anymore either, so we could check out some other places" she rambled, but was stopped by his hands pushing her away slightly.

His serious expression made her stop talking and she looked at him expectantly.

"Rory, let's not think about this right now, okay? We'll have plenty of time to figure all this out, can we enjoy this weekend instead?" he said brushing her hair back with a light smile.

"Yeah" she whispered, unable to stop herself from gleaming.

"Like what is this 'make food together' phrase you were referring to?" he chuckled.

"What, we did it yesterday!" she protested.

"Rory, we warmed a frozen pizza" he chuckled.

"Okay, you obviously don't know my mother too well if you're thinking that's an easy task" she rolled her eyes and he chuckled kissing her lightly.

"Hey" she whispered, her eyes sparkling.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"I love you" she said.

"Good to know" he replied with a smug smile.

She gazed into his eyes. She wanted so to hold onto the possibility that after all they've been through, it was possible for them to just be happy. Watching him, she could believe it. There was some sort of rush inside of her, some weird high telling her that it could all happen.

"Why do you like me, Rory?" his question broke her concentration. She looked at him with a baffled smile. His face was calm, serious.

"What?" she asked with a nervous chuckle.

"Sometimes it just amazes me. The fact you would like me" he said, with a wry smile.

"What are you talking about?" she furrowed her brows, her face still in a non believing smile.

"How" he paused lifting his hand and tracing the lines of her face "did I get you to even give me the time of day?" he went on.

She shrugged.

"You gave me a ride" she replied, a smile breaking on her face.

"Oh that's right" he said slapping his forehead, playing along. His face grew serious as his eyes studied her face.

"What?" she whispered, furrowing her brows again, trying to see into his thoughts.

He shook his head as if brushing off the question and his own silent doubts as well.

He pushed her back on the bed gently, making her gasp in surprise as he laid on top of her.

"I love you too" he whispered, his voice low, like it only was when he was serious about something.

She grinned, unable to stop herself.

"Good to know" she giggled as he moved to kiss her neck.

Her eyes fluttered shut at the sensation and she groaned frustrated.

"And if I remember correctly" he hummed "I didn't exactly got to prove that when we got home last night"

"You mean because you were passed out drunk?" she giggled.

"Yeah, something like that" he chuckled and licked the skin over her collarbone.

"We should get up... We haven't done an ounce of studying this whole weekend" she mumbled, already lost in the feelings he was inducing.

"What's the rush?" he smirked as he worked his way further down and onto her chest "We still have all day" he murmured reaching her breast, placing small kisses on it, then sucking on her nipple gently.

She cursed and bucked as a result.

"It's past noon, Tristan" she groaned then hissed suddenly feeling him bite down on her nipple.

"Just a little more time" he teased as his lips left her breast and moved down her stomach, resuming to kiss the soft skin.

She tensed, her body firing up under his touch. She moaned as he moved further down, repositioning himself between her legs.

"Tristan" she called out his name, in a last attempt to stop him from what he was obviously planing on doing, but her resistance was shattered as she felt his warm tongue glide over her entrance.

She cried out at the sudden sensation and spread her legs involuntarily. He felt soft and warm and wet, a tingle running up her spine induced by his touch.

"Now, what do you say about relaxing a bit?" he murmured in a teasing voice, the vibrations running to her center and she felt her breathing speed up in expectation.

She felt his fingers trace her folds and she whimpered, her arousal evident.

He licked her again, making her jump and moan lightly, letting go of all resistance. Her hands grasped the sheets on his bed and she spread her legs completely, giving him access.

His tongue darted into her making her gasp and her hands moved to the back of his head, her fingers digging into his hair.

He moaned feeling her respond and she felt a shiver run through her body.

His tongue moved to her clit, applying pressure and circling it rhythmically, building up tension inside of her.

She moaned his name, encouraging him and he moved to suck on her clit, the feeling making her buck again.

She cursed as she felt his fingers slip inside her and his sucking grew more intense, starting the slow and familiar chain reaction in her center.  
Her every sense was overtaken by the incredible pull she felt between her legs, her breathing ragged as her body seemed to cluster into the spot his tongue was dancing on.

She moaned continuously and increased the pull on his head, his response a deep groan and the increasing frequency of his tongue. She gasped as she felt her body lift and shake as she came screaming his name, his hands holding her steady as he flicked his tongue some more to slowly bring her down.

She panted hard as she laid on the bed completely taken over, her every nerve ending overstimulated. She felt him kiss his was up her body and come to rest next to her and she shivered as he pulled her into a strong hug.

"Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?" he murmured and she could hear the smirk in his voice, even with eyes shut.

She groaned in response, her body still spent, burying her face in his chest.

"No, I suppose it was bearable" she chuckled.

"Bearable?" he said in mock hurt "Is that my reward for my hard work?" he chuckled.

"No" she murmured, her hand sliding down his abdomen to grasp his member, that was rock hard, no doubt affected by his previous activities "this is"

She smiled as he sucked in the air and closed his eyes, his body tensing.

"This?" he arched an eyebrow, his voice teasing "And by 'this' you mean..." he trailed off as she grabbed him harder, stroking his length.

"Oh okay, that" he moaned and she chuckled "yeah, that's a good reward" he groaned as he turned on his back, his whole body relaxing, letting her take the lead.

She moved closer to him, her face right next to his, her body slightly touching his, her hand stroking him rhythmically.

"You seem quite aroused" she murmured into his ear referring to his massive erection "does pleasing me turn you on so much?" she teased, surprised by her own boldness.

A small smile crept on his face, his eyes shut tight and his breathing shallow and fast.

"Your orgasm turns me on so much" he said, his words interrupted by his small grunts.

He licked his lips and his hand moved over hers, making her hold more firm.

"Harder" he whispered, guiding her and she felt her own breathing grow more shallow, aroused by his directions.

"Like this?" she asked quietly as her grasp became more tight around his cock.

His only answer was a muffled groan as his hips started moving in unison with her strokes.

She watched his face twist into a frown, his breathing becoming more erratic as he approached his edge.

"God..." he mumbled sucking in the air as his body tensed and she watched in awe as he came, crying out her name, his body jerking, his semen shooting out of his cock, covering her hand and his abdomen. She eased her hold with a couple of more slow strokes and he shivered moaning as he came down.

He cursed under his breath, trying to calm his body and she kissed the side of his face gently.

"Good reward?" she murmured playfully.

"Fuck yeah" he groaned smirking, pulling her over for a slow kiss as she giggled.


	28. The pendulum swings

She sat at the cafeteria wondering where he was. She had not seen him all day long.

She suddenly felt his hand on her back and then saw him slide into the seat next to her.

She smiled happily and her hands went to touch his cheeks that were red from the cold.

"You were out sneaking a smoke" she scoffed.

"Uhm. I don't know what you're talking about?" he played stupid glancing around, the whole charade making her lips curl into a smile.

"You know what? You did not once smoke the whole weekend while you were with me, so don't tell me you're addicted" she scolded him pointing a finger in his face.

He looked at her, the intense gaze of his blue eyes silencing her as a small smirk grew on his face.

"Well, I had other things to keep my mind occupied during the weekend" he whispered seductively, his eyes focusing on her lips.

She blushed glancing around and he snickered at her apparent worry about people.

"Why are you so uptight?" he smirked.

"I am not uptight" she lowered her voice to a whisper nervously "I just don't want the whole school to know about our ... you know"

"Our sex lives?" he offered nodding, smirk in place.

She blushed again sighing.

"Yes" she hissed.

"I think it's safe to say everyone knows, Rory" he replied, licking his lips.

"Wh-why... would they know?" she shrugged her shoulders trying to brush the possibility off.

"Well, for starters, it's me" he stated while she rolled her eyes "I'm not exactly known for my chastity. Second, they see the way you look at me" he smirked again.

She scoffed.

"Okay, how do I look at you?" she asked unbelieving.

"Like you want me to take you right here" he said, his voice and expression suddenly surprisingly serious, sending a chill down her back.

She turned to stare at her unfinished food intently in order to hide the completely different kind of flush her face was breaking into.

"I missed you last night" he whispered and she could practically feel his eyes burn a whole into the side of her face.

"I missed you too" she mouthed silently, still not looking up, as if the declaration overwhelmed her.

"I'm sorry I haven't been able to... visit you... this week" he said and she laughed at the term he used for his late night sneak ins.

"I just don't like Mandy alone in the house" he went on, his voice suddenly free of any innuendo.

She looked at him now, narrowing her eyes in concern.

"I don't like you two on your own" she said.

"Don't worry about it, we're used to it" he said causally "How is the lunch?" he asked focusing on her tray and she couldn't help but smile a wry smile.

She knew his sudden changes in topic were a way to steer the conversation away from things he did not want to address. It seemed to be the theme for this week as he'd refused her every attempt to talk about his parents, college or anything regarding his plans for the future for that matter. She didn't push it, knowing he'd come around and would eventually think about everything at his own pace.

"It's okay" she mumbled "are you gonna have some?"

"Nah" he sighed "not really hungry" he squinted looking up at the clock "I might have time for a quick smoke though"

She widened her eyes as she watched him get up.

"No-no-no, I don't wanna hear it" he raised his arms in defence "I still have a couple to make up for a weekend of abstinence" he said placing a finger in front of his mouth as if to signal.

"I have to pick up and drive Mandy home in the afternoon, but I'll be back by the time you finish with the soul-searching and then we can go study at your place" he said casually turning to walk off.

He turned back to flash her a smile.

"And I will see you at French, mademoiselle" he said not waiting for a response.

She watched his departing form and she could swear she saw his smile fade the minute he turned away from her, his expression replaced by a cold, tired one instead.

She sighed uneasy thinking about that expression. It's the one she knew him to wear in school as though it was a mask for him. But somehow it seemed like she's seen less of it until this week. She tried to ponder whether he seemed more weary or not. Whether he was just playing happy to her. Or whether there were other changes as well. Did he smoke more? Eat less? Talk less? Avoid her?  
She shrugged trying to clear her mind of the obsessive thoughts.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"How are you feeling?"

"Good. Good. Very good actually"

"You seem better"

"Yeah, well, I guess I am"

"Your grades are back to exceptional"

"Well, I did study a lot to catch up"

"Are you more sure about your future goals?"

"Yeah, well, I am. I want to try and get into a good college"

"Not Harvard?"

"Well, I'm going to try Harvard, but I am not ruling anything else out. I mean, I was so focused on that one school when there's obviously other very good schools out there"

"That's right"

"I mean nobody is forcing a gun to my head to get into Harvard"

"Certainly not"

"Although I do want to do the best I can, you know? I mean a good school isn't just for show, it's regarded as a good school for a reason. It doesn't just mean expectations, it also means that you get quality, which is important, right? I mean, I don't think that every school is the same. And I think you owe it to yourself to bring out the best in you, right? I mean 'a mind is a terrible thing to waste' and all that..."

"Rory. Is something bothering you?"

"I want to go to college"

"Yes, I think we made that clear"

"I'm not sure Tristan wants to. I mean right now. I'm sure he will eventually. Although not sure where. I mean he seems to think it's not so important, the place"

"I see"

"He is really smart, you know, he really is. I mean people might not realize that because obviously he is not so keen on showing that to everyone, but he is incredibly smart. He'll sit and read a book and will not do one note or highlight one section and still he knows the whole thing by heart the next day. It's crazy, it's like he's got this photographic memory or something. And he's so good with math, I mean, for me it's always an effort, math, but he seems to see the solution to the problems in his head, it's crazy"

"So why do you think he is not aiming high?"

"I guess he just has other ideas about life and what you should achieve in life and I think... I think..."

"What?"

"I think he's depressed... I mean, not like I was, the psychotic crazy depressed... I know I wasn't psychotic crazy depressed, I am just exaggerating... I guess he always has been, you know? But maybe I realize that more now that I am feeling..."

"Now that you are feeling better?"

"Yeah"

"Does that scare you?"

"No. No. I mean I am worried for him, you know? I wish I could help, because he's helped me so much, but I feel like I can only sit and watch him, because he doesn't seem to... open up... or even acknowledge the fact that he's... you know"

"Rory, realizing you have a problem is not an easy task"

"I know that. God, I know, I am not reproaching him, I just wish I could help"

"Well how do you think he helped you?"

"I guess just being there for me. And accepting how I was"

"Maybe he needs the same?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Probably... But, you know I think I needed that rock bottom... that weird experience to get me to realize I want to get better, I need to get better... I just don't think he sees that. It's like he needs his lighthouse still"

"Do you see it that way?"

"I don't know. I... I don't know... Maybe I am just overreacting... Maybe he'll be fine and he's just going through a rough phase with his parents and everything"

"And what if not?"

"Then... we'll just deal with it, I guess... We'll make it work"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Okay, so I know you two are holed up here pretending to read your books while no doubt you are performing some type of weird and kinky telepathic sex..." Lorelai ranted as she kicked the door open.

"Oh baby, yeah" Tristan looked up cynically from his book, laying on the bed while Lorelai glared back at him.

"Mother" Rory rolled her eyes, sitting in her regular spot.

"... but I rented Sliding doors and I though we could make fun on Gwyneth trying to talk in a British accent"

"You wanna watch a movie?" Rory asked, a bit surprised.

"Yeah, Matt is over at Sookie's, so it's going to be a quiet night, so I thought we could order a bunch of food and have a little movie night"

"Wow, that sounds great, we haven't had that in a while" Rory smiled.

"So, Brad in training, you wanna join?" Lorelai turned towards Tristan.

"Me?" he looked up puzzled.

"No, John Paul the second, yeah you. You practically live here anyway, what with the constant afternoon 'studying' and then the late night sneaking back" she rolled her eyes

"What are you talking about mom?" Rory laughed nervously.

"Okay, hey, don't play dumb with me, I am the queen of late night sneaking back, okay? Well. I was. I am obviously not now" she rambled.

"You know?" Rory swallowed the lump in her throat.

"Okay, the tree in front of the house is now basically dying because the branches have been under so much stress. I am thinking of placing a ladder there just to help you out" she said, dramatically emphasizing the words.

"Would make things easier" Tristan said under his breath.

"Yeah, I don't think so, lover boy. It would freak Chris out" Lorelai shot him a look.

"Oh, it would freak HIM out?" he asked, a fake smile on his face.

"Yeah. I just managed to convince him that the time he caught you two naked you two were just studying anatomy. And that last week's screaming at 2 a.m. was just a really vivid dream Rory was having about Keanu Reeves" she mumbled.

"Oh my god" Rory closed her eyes embarrassed.

"Oh yay, thanks for the quote, but I think it's burnt into my memory, you don't have to remind me" Lorelai joked, smiling wickedly.

"Hey, you can't blame us. That telepathic sex things gets a little old after a while" Tristan said closing the book in his lap, mischief in his eyes.

"Okay, says the boy that spent all of last weekend in his little sex mansion with my daughter" she shot back.

"Okay, can we please stop talking about sex? This is freaking me out" Rory pleaded.

"Alright. I'll go order the food, you two come down when you're finished" Lorelai said walking out the door.

"Sure thing, I am a couple of thoughts away from my telepathic orgasm" Tristan mumbled.

"Too funny, just too funny, Tristan" they heard her mother shout non-impressed, as she walked down the stairs.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Okay, you know what? This totally reminds me of that Alanis Morisette song" Lorelai said biting down on another spring roll pointing towards the TV screen.

Rory sat next to her on the couch focusing on the movie while trying to consume a pizza slice without tearing her eyes away from the screen.  
Tristan and Christopher sat across from each other in their respective armchairs trying to concentrate on the movie, that was increasingly hard with the constant rambling.

"What? Ironic?" Rory asked, mouth full.

"No. The other one" Lorelai said finishing her spring roll.

"Okay, be more vague please" Rory smirked.

"The one she wrote for Uncle Jesse" Lorelai scoffed.

"She never wrote one for Uncle Jesse, it was the other uncle" Rory corrected her.

"You sure?" Lorelai turned to her, disbelief showing on her face.

"Yeah" Rory nodded.

"The angry, bitchy song?" she asked again.

"Again, be more vague. But yes, that was for him" she smiled.

"What about uncle Jesse?" Loreli asked puzzled.

"They were never together, he's married to that supermodel" Rory shrugged.

"The one from Ukrain" Lorelai said narrowing her eyes.

"No, that would be Milla. She's married to the Fifth Element dude" Rory once again corrected her mother.

"Oh, I love that movie. Even though Bruce only uses his two expressions" Lorelai mused.

"He only has those two expressions" Rory pointed out.

"Yeah. And oooh, the lady with the blue thingies?" Lorelai asked all excited.

"That's a lady?" Rory looked at her in shock.

"You can't really tell, can you?" Lorelai smiled.

"Except for when she's singing maybe" Rory pondered.

"I wouldn't call it singing. I would call it the dog bark inducing activity" Lorelai clarified.

"It's still better than Milla's CD" Rory laughed.

"She sings? You are confusing her with another model"

"Like who?" Rory looked at her laughing.

"Naomi?" she tried.

"Okay, how would I be confusing Milla Jovovich and Naomi Campbell?" Rory said.

"I don't know, you are freakishly underinformed when it comes to some issues" her mother shot back.

"Okay, at what point did you lose track of this conversation?" Chris said with an unamused tone, staring ahead at Tristan.

"John Stamos" he replied without missing a beat.

"Wow. That's one more thought skip than I managed to follow" he said impressed "I think I'm going to wash the dishes or something" he said rising from his chair, obviously dying to get away.

"Let me help you" Tristan followed suit, suddenly seemingly eager to get out as well.

"No wait, hold on, help me out here!" Lorelai stopped them.

"So close" Christopher hissed as he slumped back down.

"Did Milla Jovovich ever release a single?" Lorelai asked cheerfully.

"I... honestly couldn't care less?" Tristan tried.

"I'm with you on that buddy" Christopher sighed.

"Oh yeah? When did you two become so chummy?" Lorelai asked with a wicked smile.

"During this extremely long rambling session you two just had?" Tristan mumbled.

"You know what mister, watch the attitude or no ladder" Lorelai pointed a finger at him, obviously enjoying her own joke.

"What?" Christopher asked baffled.

"Nothing" the three others said simultaneously, inducing a suspicious look from the man.

"You're all weird!" he said frowning.

"Okay, so I am totally confused now, which Gwyn is which?" Lorelai stared at the screen.

"They have completely different hairstyles so the not so gifted can follow as well, mom" Rory mused.

"Oh my god, my Harvard bound daughter just dissed me" she looked at Christopher in mock hurt "she just dissed me, did you hear that?"

Christopher raised an arm smiling, while Lorelai just looked on in mock shock.

"Actually, I've been thinking about Yale" Rory said causally and the room suddenly became quiet, the only sounds coming from the TV set.  
Tristan's eyes shot to Rory in surprise, who was picking cheese off her pizza, as if to occupy herself with something.

"What?" Lorelai asked softly as if she was trying to keep her reactions in check, glancing from Rory to Christopher.

"I'm just saying I am not sure I want to do Harvard, and that I am considering other possibilities. Like Yale" she shrugged, still avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room.

"Well, that's great, kiddo, but can I maybe ask on risk of pissing off your grandfather who probably by some magical selective hearing picked up this very sentence and had already started calling up his old alumni buddies organizing a welcome to Yale banquet for you, why you chose Yale?" she rambled.

"I didn't choose Yale, I was just saying I was considering it" she answered, her voice calm.

"Okay. So why are you considering it?" Lorelai went on, while a serious Christopher listened intently.

"Well, it's close by. I could see you guys on weekends. And grandfather would be thrilled. It has incredible journalism classes" she started stating her reasons, then paused for a moment "And a good architectural program"

She looked up at Tristan, who was sitting in the armchair motionless, his expression not telling anything, his eyes fixed on Rory's like he was contemplating what to do.

Lorelai and Christopher looked at each other, then the two kids who were staring at each other. A long second passed without anyone speaking.

Tristan sighed lightly and stood up suddenly form the armchair.

"I should get going, it's late" he said, his voice cold, distant as he walked across the living room "Ms Gilmore, Mr. Hayden, thanks for the movie and the food" he said and didn't wait for a response.

"Tristan" Rory called out, getting up as well, dropping the remainder of her pizza back into the box, dashing after Tristan who was already out on the porch and walking down the steps.

"Tristan, wait" Rory ran after him catching up with him, her hand touching his arm.

"What the hell are you doing?" he turned around suddenly, his voice angry, his face disturbed.

"Nothing. I just thought it could be something we could consider. I checked out their course descriptions and you would love it" she tried, her voice pleading.

"Rory, you can't just fucking tell your parents you are going to Yale so you can be with me" he shot.

"Why not?" she asked.

"First of all, I'm not going to Yale!" he yelled.

"Why?" she asked, not backing down.

"Because.." he said frustrated.

"No, Tristan, tell me why, other than the fact that you don't by any chance want to please anyone in your family, would you not even consider going there to study?" she asked crossing her arms.

"I don't want to talk about this" he said turning back towards his car.

"You said you would consider" she said hurt.

"Yeah, I said I would. Consider. Which is not equal to you announcing to your parents we are both going to Yale" he turned back.

"That's not what I did" she defended herself.

"They hate me enough as it is, Rory, now they're thinking you're turning your whole future upside down for me" he said frustrated.

"Okay, I don't think anyone would be disowning me if I went to Yale instead of Harvard" she scoffed.

"But you'd be doing it for me!" he said.

"So what?!" she shot, raising her voice for the first time.

"So what if I want to be with you? If I want to make some compromises to be with you? Why is that so horrible, Tristan? Because you are not willing to do that?" she asked him, her voice shaking with emotions.

He stared at her face astonished, as if not knowing what to say to her. He raised his arm in despair and let out a long breath.

"I can't deal with this right now" he mumbled turning around and getting into his car.

Rory sighed frustrated and watched in vain as he sped off into the quiet streets.


	29. Trial and error

"Hey" she looked up from her book sitting on her bed when she heard her father's voice.

She saw him standing in the doorway, unsure whether to come in or not.

"Hey" she greeted him, forcing a smile on her face.

"You mind if I come in?" Chris said gesturing towards the chair standing by her desk.

"No" she shrugged and watched as Chris walked to the chair sitting down on it while he watched her concerned.

He leaned back a bit, then turned suddenly, something preventing him to sit comfortably. Rory watched as her father, with a blushing face, lifted a bra that had been hung carelessly on the back of the chair. Rory winced and reached to recover the article, tossing it behind her on the bed out of sight, trying to end the awkward moment. She sighed realizing that this very moment pretty much summed up her relationship with her dad: good intentions and the nagging feeling that she had indeed grown up a little too suddenly under his caring eyes.

"Uhm" his father started, still embarrassed "how you doin', kiddo?"

"I'm okay" she said with a wry smile, not meeting his gaze.

"That was quite a scene with Tristan" Chris carefully formulated the words.

She sighed.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. He's just... I don't know. It's a touchy subject with him" she shrugged.

"College?" Chris asked arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah" she said, reluctantly.

"Because he's not sure...?" Chris slowly stated the question.

"He's not sure he wants to go" Rory blurted out "Yet" she added "I mean, he's not sure that he wants to go right now" she ranted and Chris watched with confusion.

"Ooookay?" he glanced around clearly not understanding.

"He's just... arghh" Rory groaned frustrated and looked up to see his father's completely confused face.

"I thought he was pretty smart" Chris said.

"Yeah, he is. Very smart"

"Why doesn't he want to go?"

"He's just... I don't know. He's not sure about what he wants to do. He'd like to travel and everything" she shrugged again.

"But you'd like him to go?"

"I would..." she started but trailed off "yeah. I think so. I mean I want to go. And I would like him to be around. I mean he could still do the traveling between semesters. And it's not like he has to focus on his career and goals straight away. I mean college is not a restrain"

Chris scratched his head.

"So then why do you think he doesn't want to do it? He probably knows all this"

"I guess it's just a way to break away finally. From his family. He's not really happy with all the pressure"

"Rory, if he wants to be with you, he'll make an effort. He seems to be making an effort..."

"I know, I know he is. And I hate to be pushing the subject. I mean, I should just leave it be and let him decide"

"Yeah, that seems like a good idea" Chris agreed studying her features.

"Dad?" she suddenly asked, a hand playing with the comforter on her bed.

"Yeah?" he asked, expectantly.

"Was it really hard on you two?" she asked looking up at her dad.

"What?" he asked, confused.

"When mom got pregnant and you went away to college?" she said, her face calm.

Chris sighed, memories seemingly flooding him.

"It was... yeah... it was hard" he admitted.

"But you made it" she said, her voice hopeful.

"Rory" he sighed trying to find words.

"I mean even with the distance and the two of you not being married yet and you having to be at college..." she ranted not wanting to acknowledge his concern.

"Rory, I didn't want to go" he said, the words stopping her train of thoughts.

"What?" she asked not sure she heard right.

"When Lor got pregnant... with you... I wanted to stay and get married and work, but she... she didn't want me to" he said, his face concerned as he watched her.

"What?" she asked in disbelief.

"She told me I should go to college and get through it like I planed to before it all... you know... I didn't want to. I said she either came with me or I would stay too" he said, his words slow, careful.

"So what happened?" she asked, completely shocked.

"She broke up with me" he said with a light shrug, a hint of pain flashing in his eyes.

Rory looked at her father shocked. She's never heard this before.

Chris smiled a concerned smile.

"She said she didn't want me. Didn't want me to stay. That I should leave and that she would stay here and make it on her own" he explained.

"Why did she do that?" she asked, not understanding.

"I guess she was afraid that I was only staying with her because of the... because of you. She was afraid she would be holding me back. She didn't want that. She didn't want me to give up anything because of her, so she pushed me away. I guess she was afraid that I would blame it on her one day, not taking the chances I could have" he said, not sure himself.

"So what happened?" Rory looked at him with a troubled expression.

"It took me a while to realize. Why she did it. That it was only because she wanted what's best for me, wanted me to not be held back. But when I did, I came back and told her it didn't matter how far I got. It didn't matter what I had planned or what other people have planned for me. I wanted to be with her... and you... through thick and thin and if it was going to be hard, then it was going to be hard, I was willing to take that chance" he said, his eyes sparkling.

Rory stared at a spot on the carpet, her eyes clouded, confused.

"So what's the lesson?" she asked, her voice small.

"I don't know. I guess that the one that really loves you lets you go if that's what's needed? But what's more important is that if it's meant to be, it doesn't matter if you let them go, it will work out anyway" he said, his words careful.

"So you think I should let him do what he wants?" she said, her voice echoing with acceptance.

"I don't know, Ror. I certainly don't think you can force him to do something he doesn't want to" he shrugged.

"Yeah. I guess not" she agreed.

"Look, the important thing is: if you do belong together, it's going to work itself out. One way or the other" he said, his hand caressing his daughter's face.

He smiled at Rory reassuringly.

She forced a smile on her face.

"Yeah, I guess you're right" she whispered, not able to hide the worry in her voice.

Maybe it was true. That you should let the ones you love go, set them free, have them decide what they want. But she always just assumed that what she would want, he would as well. She sighed contemplating the fact that she might have to face the fact that not all their hopes and expectations were mutual. She just hoped she could accept it.

xxxxxxxxxxx

She walked up the stairs, having just finished lunch with her family.

It's been almost a day since they last spoke. He didn't answer his cell. Didn't call.

Rory sighed. Maybe this was finally it. He'd had enough, she thought worried. She had a horrible unsure feeling of having pushed to hard, of having made a mistake that she now had no chance to correct.

She stepped into the room and stopped dead in her tracks seeing him sit on her window sill as though his presence were the most natural thing in that room.

She closed the door and let her back rest against it staring at him not able to say anything.

He stared at her for a minute, the tension gripping her chest.

"Hey" he said, his voice quiet, calm.

"Hey" she tried to say, the word not really coming out, her heart beating violently in her chest. A million possibilities were racing through her head about what he had come for, what he was going to say and how. His voice seemed to cut every thought short, like a sharp knife.

"I know you'd like it to..." he started, his words flowing slowly, as if he were contemplating each and every one of them before letting his mouth form them "but it's not just gonna change magically with me from one minute to the other"

She let out the breath she was holding in frustration ready to cut in, but his voice stopped her.

"Just because I have someone to love now" he said, the words echoing in her chest, making her heart race even faster.

"I've gone a long time without having anyone... without needing anyone..." he struggled with the words as he rose from his seat and took a step in her direction "and it's hard for me to take it for granted. To plan anything based on it"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..." she blurted out but he once again stopped her.

"You should have. You should. It's... it's how it works. But I am new at this, okay? I don't know what's going to happen in a year. Or what's gonna happen next month. If you told me three months ago that I'd be standing here having this conversation, I would have called you crazy"

She smiled involuntarily at his expression and he seemed to notice straight away wincing.

"Okay, bad choice of words" he scratched his head.

That one gesture seemed to change the light, the sound, the mood in the room. Her heart, the strange pull in her chest eased and she sighed, relaxing against the door.

"Tristan" she said, her words quiet, but determined "I shouldn't have pushed it. It was a stupid thing to do. I love you and want to be with you. And I guess I was just worried about you"

"Why?" he asked furrowing his brows.

"Because" she looked around to be able to find the words "I don't like that insecurity"

"Insecurity?"

"Of not being able to know how you are, what you're thinking" she struggled looking down on the ground.

"Rory" he said, his tone painfully serious, hurt "If anyone knows, it's you. You know that feeling" he said, his eyes a piercing blue when she looked up again.

"I do, that's why I'm scared" she said "I am scared making any effort for you will just be too hard... Like it was for me"

He looked at her like his heart was breaking for her right there, his pain and hurt echoing in the infinite depths of his eyes.

"You make me want to make an effort..." he whispered.

"I know" she said, her voice suddenly calm as she pushed herself off the door and slowly walked over to him as he seemed to tense every muscle of his body.

"You do... you really..." he struggled, his words failing him as she finally reached him to wrap him in her arms, kissing his cheeks as he forced his eyes shut.

"I know. I know" she whispered into his ears, caressing his hair, his face as he pulled her close.

It was her turn to tell him it was all going to be alright, her turn to be calm and cool. It was a weird shift of roles, but she was amazed how easy it came to her, being just that. Calm. She recognized this feeling of certainty as if she were meeting a long lost friend after a long time. It was that moment she realized she really had shook what was a sort of sickness, a sort of oblivion and that she really was better, gotten through something. It was different now, she felt different, knowing that she had a strength, her own strength back. It was a strange and empowering feeling. Like stepping up on a hilltop to gaze out over the hot summer land buzzing with the chance of an evening rain. Like a moment when you take a leap to jump into the water, your skin already tingling with the cool feeling to come. That weightlessness. It was like a calm before the storm.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She was pulled from a deep sleep, the movements waking her. She squeezed her eyes shut as she felt the body beneath her head shift carefully. She was placed on a pillow and as she opened her eyes lazily she could make out his form trying to slip out of bed as silently as possible.

"Hey" she mumbled and saw him stop suddenly, turning back, his face apologetic.

"Hey" he whispered "sorry, I tried not to wake you"

She glanced at the clock on his nightstand, the red numbers informing her it was once again the middle of the night.

She sat up, trying to gain some clarity in her still groggy state.

"What are you doing up?" she asked, her voice hoarse still.

"Uhm... I was just gonna go get a glass of water or something" he mumbled motioning towards the door.

Rory narrowed her eyes studying him. His eyes were proof that he had not been sleeping at all. He probably lay in bed awake while she slept, her head resting on his chest.

"You couldn't sleep again" she stated, not bothering to make it a question.

He smiled as he sighed, unable to deny the fact.

"I don't sleep much, Rory" he admitted, his fingers playing around with the sheets.

"How come?" she asked.

"I don't know" he said, sliding in next to her again, placing an arm around her, obviously aborting his plan of sneaking out of the bedroom in the middle of the night.

He sighed, probably feeling her question still lingering in the air.

"I never did, I guess... I'm just not big on sleeping"

"You're a freak" she said with a disgusted look.

He chuckled.

"Yeah, I have several circus managers calling me to join" he mused.

"You said you sleep better when you're with me" she said quietly, remembering the time he told her that.

He smiled kissing the top of her head.

"I do" he whispered.

"So what's worse than this?" she chuckled.

"Ahhh...not sleeping at all?" he mused "Before you, I used to read complete Russian novels in a night"

"Really?" she said arching an eyebrow "So I am standing in the way of your extensive literal knowledge?" she asked in mock shock.

"Yes, absolutely, and my chances of winning Who wants to be a Millionaire? are going down the drain too" he played along.

"Damn it" she said in mock frustration "Reggis will be so disappointed"

She looked at him as he chuckled lightly.

"How are you feeling?" she suddenly asked, her voice serious.

He tensed hearing her question, the mood suddenly changing from light banter to topics that were hanging dense in the air. He sighed.

"I'm fine, how are you?" he tried, his voice not totally convinced this would satisfy her.

She didn't answer, her silence speaking more than any scolding could have.

"I'm okay, Rory" he said, quietly.

"You don't seem okay" she answered, her voice matching his. She suddenly contemplated whether this was the right move. She had, after all, decided to not put so much pressure on him anymore. But she couldn't control her concern, couldn't hide her worrying when she saw him struggling.

"Why do you say that?" he asked.

She sat up turning to face him to be able to look him in the eye.

"Tristan" she said, her voice pleading, forcing him to reluctantly meet her gaze.

"Yeah" he said, his voice showing annoyance.

"I want to be able to help" she whispered.

"Don't bug me then" he sighed, trying to lighten the mood, but the smile he wanted to attach to the gentle brush off didn't seem to want to form correctly on his face, as though his body were failing him too.

"Talk to me" she whispered.

"Rory" he said closing his eyes.

"Just talk, just try, to make actual conversation, it's easier than you think, just form a coherent sentence using nouns and verbs and hell, you can even throw in a couple of adjectives if you are really feeling crazy" she ranted, her voice rising.

"Oookay" he sighed raising his arms in frustration "like what?"

"I don't know, whatever's on your mind, whatever's bothering you" she answered, with eyes sparkling.

"I do wish they would change the school colors to cornflower blue instead of navy blue, it brings out my eyes more" he looked into the distance, his voice trailing off.

"You're impossible" she scoffed trying to climb off the bed, but he stopped her, pulling her back on top of him.

"Rory" he groaned.

"I know it must bother you Tristan. Your parents, your future, your relationship with your sister, your relationship with your friends, the expectations, the fucking semester finals, I don't know, there is a bunch of things that could be and probably are bothering you, so how about you let your guard down and try to talk about them? It might make your life a bit easier" she rambled, her words rushing out of her mouth, while her eyes were fiery and dancing from spot to spot.

"Just because these are important things to you, it doesn't necessarily mean they are to me" he said frustrated, as he pushed her off him gently, getting out of bed and finding some clothes to put on.

"Don't tell me that, Tristan, I will not believe that. How can you say your parents leaving you alone with your 14 year old sister for two weeks is not bothering you? You are left here in charge, responsible for her well being, and don't tell me you don't care, because I know you do, you drove her to school and picked her up every fucking day this week" she went on, her voice emotional, her eyes following his every move as he dressed himself.

"So what do you want me to do, Rory?" he stopped his arms opening in vain.

"Talk!" she said, as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.

"How is that gonna change anything?" he asked frustrated.

"It's... going to ...help you deal with it" she answered, unsure, struggling to find the words.

"How is, obsessing about things I cannot change, gonna help me?" he said, his voice raising, taking a step towards the bed.

She stared at him silently, watching his eyes suddenly boil with anger and frustration.

"How is whining and wallowing gonna change one fucking thing about my life, Rory?" he yelled.

She sat motionless on the bed, her face mirroring hurt and helplessness, not able to find any more arguments to answer his questions.

He sighed as if regretting his outburst. He relaxed his body, climbing back onto the bed, coming to sit in front of her. His hands went to cup her face as she closed her eyes trying to hold back the tears that welled up in her eyes.

She felt so helpless at that point. As if all her trials at wanting to reach him, to help him had been futile.

"Rory" he whispered, his tone warm and loving, in stark contrast to the one seconds ago, imbued with anger "I don't want to think about them, or how my life is wrong or how everything is messed up. Not when I'm with you. You are my chance away from all that. You make me forget all that"

She sighed not being able to hold her composure anymore, her tears rolling down her cheeks. The words hurt her and healed her at the same time and her frustration gave way in the form of hot tears streaming down her face.

"Baby" he whispered wiping her tears and kissing her cheeks "I'm sorry, baby, please" he pleaded, pulling her into his arms, rocking her gently.

"God, I'm sorry" he whispered into her hair as she sobbed gently "you are everything that's good in my life, I just want to keep it like that, I just want to be with you and rest and feel you close, that's all I need"

She listened to his mumbling, the words not even completely registering in her mind, his soft tone, his warm vibrations soothing her as she melted into his arms.

"Come on, let's get back to bed" he whispered, gently guiding her back into their earlier positions, untangling the sheets and covering them.  
She snuggled into his side, obeying his silent requests to forget everything, her own body wanting the same, her breathing slowly returning to normal.

"It's going to be alright, everything's gonna be fine" he murmured, his hand caressing her hair as he held her with the other "It's gonna snow soon, I know you'll love that. Everything will be covered in pure white snow, everything will be calm and quiet and blazing white..."

His words were almost hypnotizing, calming her stirred feelings and soothing her soul. She clung to him, inhaling his smell, enjoying his warmth and closed her stinging eyes. She felt herself drifting back into exhausted sleep, his voice calming her back into oblivion, her mind slowly numbing and letting go of worry about his mood, their future, their lives or the fact that it was once again her falling asleep first.


	30. To the lighthouse

She walked down the corridor, her footsteps echoing in the now empty halls. She stepped outside, through the gates and saw him by his car, leaning against the hood, like always.

She watched as he noticed her and smiled, his face slightly exhausted.

he couldn't blame him. For some reason, he insisted to come back to get her after her sessions with Mrs. Woodbridge, even though during the session he had to drive to Mandy's school, take her home and then come back for Rory to pick her up and drive her home. He was like a chauffeur service for private school girls.

She grinned at the thought of that.

"What are you grinning at?" he asked eyeing her.

"Do Mandy's classmates know you're her brother? Cause if not, I am betting she's the coolest girl in school being picked up by a hot, older guy in a Porsche" she smiled reaching him.

He wrapped his arms around her waist.

"First of all, this is a jaguar, hence the hood ornament of a leaping jaguar" he chuckled while she gasped knowingly.

"I was wondering about that" she mumbled running her fingers along the little silver jaguar.

"Second, they know, third, get your mind out of the gutter" he said with a disgusted look "my age limit is 15" he added smirking and she gasped, slapping him on the arm.

"And fourth" he murmured, pulling her closer "does this mean you feel like the coolest girl in your school?"

She giggled as he kissed her neck.

"Well definitely, now that I know it's a Jaguar" she replied with a bright smile.

He pulled away slightly to look at her with narrowed eyes.

"Seriously, sometimes it amazes me that you have the highest GPA in class, I mean confusing a Jaguar with a Porsche?" he mused.

"Shut up" she said kissing him passionately. He groaned into their kiss and she smiled at the sound.

She suddenly felt the vibrations of his cell phone against her leg and heard the Imperial March theme from Star Wars.

She broke away smirking.

"Is that your phone or are you just getting really excited?" she asked with an innocent look and he groaned again, frustrated this time, leaning back against his hood and digging out his cell out of his pocket.

He opened the phone and raised it to his ear, without checking the ID.

"Hey dad" he said, his voice slightly annoyed.

She chuckled at the fact he had a specialized ring tone for his father and moved away slightly, looking around contemplating whether she should get into the car to give him some privacy.

"We're fine. How's Italy?" he said, his hands moving to play with the buttons on her coat and she decided to stay in her spot and just listen in.

"No, no trouble. We're fine" he answered mechanically "Yeah, Friday, I know... Yeah well I'll take Mandy home, but I don't know if I'll stay, I might have plans... Yeah, well you'll probably be tired anyways" he said, squeezing his eyes shut, as if he were dying to finish the conversation.

Rory studied his face, gathering from his side of the conversation that he was to be home when his parents arrive on Friday.

"No, uhm, I didn't, actually" he answered, his voice slightly annoyed "yeah, well, I'll do it some other time dad, I still have time for all that" he answered, his tone growing more aggressive.

He let go of Rory and pushed himself off the car, taking a few steps away from her.

"Okay dad, calm down, I hardly think one fucking meeting will affect my chances of getting into Princeton" he groaned.

"So what if I don't? I'll be 18 dad, I will do whatever the hell I want to. How about you let me decide for myself?" he spat into the phone, his hands rubbing his eyes "Yeah, fine, great, I think this does not need to be discussed during a trans-Atlantic phone call, you'll have plenty of chances when you get back... I know... yeah, whatever, dad, have fun, say hi to mom" he sneered and closed his phone shut.

Rory stared at him as he took a moment, his back towards her, taking a deep breath as if trying to regain his composure.

He turned around to look at her.

"Any chance of you not insisting on wanting to know what that was about and picking my brains on it?" he said, his words slightly cynical.

She scoffed surprised.

"Yeah, I thought so" he sighed.

"Tristan!" she scoffed again.

"What?" he chuckled getting closer to her once more, wrapping his arms around her.

"You seriously don't even want to mention what you two fought about?" she asked bewildered.

"I think you pretty much know, you probably figured it out" he murmured kissing her neck "although I am not sure anymore, that Porsche comment is giving me doubts"

She sighed, amazed by the fact he could go from being angry and frustrated, to completely unbiased within seconds.

"You really don't want to talk about this?" she asked, her voice uncertain.

"I want to take you home, maybe get you some coffee on the way, get you alone in my room and spend a nice afternoon with you, taking advantage of the fact that your mother is having a play-date for fifty screaming toddlers making it okay for us to spend the afternoon at my place" he mumbled in between kisses "Talking... yeah, well if you really insist, we can do some talking as well... preferably about how much you adore me, how amazing I make you feel and maybe we can toss in a post-coital conversation about Hermit the frog, but anything concerning my father, shall be left untouched" he finished his little rant and moved in to kiss her, gently and sweetly.

He pulled away to look at her, a smile on his face.

"What do you say?"

She looked at him, swallowing hard, trying to swallow all of her doubts and concerns as well. If he needed this charade, if he needed to take his mind off of things then who was she to force him otherwise? She forced a smile on her face.

"I say Hermit's eyes are all weird" she shrugged.

"Ah-ah-ah. Post coital, post coital conversation about Hermit, remember?" he mused ushering her towards his car as she chuckled lightly.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"So, dark moccachino with whipped cream?" he said opening the car door.

"You know me inside and out, don't you?" she smiled.

"I'll be right back" he said, shutting the door and walking through the parking lot toward the coffee place as she watched from the passenger seat.

Suddenly an electrical ring startled her. She looked over to his side of the car to see the shiny silver cell phone move around on the leather seat as it vibrated with every ring.

She looked up contemplating to yell after him but saw that he already disappeared into the building.

She looked back towards the annoying object and suddenly her heart skipped a beat seeing the name flash on the outside display.

Jen.

She stared at the phone, that wouldn't stop the ringing, as if to tease her mercilessly and she felt her arms move without her mind telling her to. Before she knew it, she had the phone flipped open, listening without saying a word.

"Hey, Tris. Did you call me? I am guessing daddy pissed you off again and you need to blow off some steam?" she heard the flirtatious voice.

She held her breath for a second, cursing herself for picking up.

"He's not here right now" she said, her voice surprisingly calm, even though her heart was racing.

"Who's this?" the girl asked.

"Rory" she said "Tristan's girlfriend" she added. The word felt strange. She never felt the need to state this, to let her place be known.

Somehow she needed to now.

"Oh" the voice on the other end said, obviously embarrassed "I'm sorry... I... Rory, is it?"

"Yes" she answered curtly.

"I heard about you" she heard the girl say, her voice suddenly becoming more calm.

She listened not saying a word.

"I didn't quite believe Tristan DuGrey would actually make a relationship work" she wondered out loud, but cleared her throat suddenly and continued "Listen, about what I said. I just had a missed call from him, so I gave him a ring. I haven't spoken to him in a long time. I hope you are not thinking anything of it"

"Why did you say that?" Rory cut her off, her mind once again losing control of her body.

There was a pause at the other end.

"Say what?" the girl tried to advert, but was met with Rory's expectant silence.

She heard the girl sigh.

"Look. It's just how Tristan is, okay? He gets pissed by his father or his family and he calls... it's just the way he deals with stress. It's the only time he lets his frustration out and I have to say it's quite hot, but I'm sure you know this" the girl rambled.

"What do you mean?" she asked, her voice steady even though her whole body was shaking.

"Well, you know, he goes and turns into this maniac and it's like he can't control himself and goes completely raving mad on you, then apologizes and pours his heart out about how he thinks his life is a mess, about how he is paralysed by the expectations and about his fears about his future and everything" the girl was trying to find the words.

"But, I mean, now that he has someone steady I am sure he doesn't have the need to call on girls and then fuck their brains out and cry in their arms, I just jumped to the conclusion when I saw his name on my missed calls list"

Rory's face became more troubled as she listened to the girl who obviously didn't know when to shut her mouth when she was embarrassed.  
Suddenly she saw Tristan in front of the car, foam cups in hand, looking at her confused.

"Who are you talking to?" he asked opening the door and getting in.

Rory just looked at him, unable to say anything or move even.

Tristan took the phone from her ear and she let him, without any protest.

He raised the phone to his ear.

"Hello? Who's this?" he said as he slid out of the car.

He listened to the answer and turned around swearing silently shooting Rory a look.

He took a couple of steps away from the car to be out of hearing range.

Not that Rory wanted to listen.

She'd heard enough.

Her mind was racing.

The words that the girl was saying were swirling in her head, not making any sense to her. She knew he had a lot of girls before her, she also knew that it was mostly sex with the most of them. But she's never thought about him opening up to any of them. From what she's told her in a matter of seconds, it seemed to her that she knew more about Tristan than she ever managed to learn during their months together.

It hurt her.

Here he was, trying to help her when she was falling apart, proving again and again that he wanted to be with her, telling her he was in love with her, yet she suddenly felt like a light had been shone on a part he kept completely hidden from her. It felt like a conspiracy. As though he had deliberately hid this part from her, not letting her in, even after all they had been through.

She felt the door slam as he sat in the car next to her sighing.

She closed her eyes suddenly feeling nauseous.

"Rory" she heard his voice, trembling but still trying to be calm.

She couldn't reply, she couldn't move, she couldn't even swallow, she felt so lost.

"Why did you pick up?" he asked, his voice quiet, resentful.

She scoffed.

"Well, that doesn't matter anymore, does it?" she said, her words quiet, accusing.

"I called her accidentally, that's why I hung up before she answered" he said slowly.

She smiled a wry smile. Did he really think this was about him calling this girl? She knew he wasn't doing anything behind her back. At least she never thought of it before. Then again, she never thought that he would be holding back things he would let others see without any trouble.

"What she said..." he started, but trailed off desperately, not finding the words "that's in my past..." he struggled.

"You mean you opening up to someone?" she spat.

"I would hardly call that opening up, Rory" he sighed.

"Then what would you call it?" she turned to face him.

He scoffed.

"I don't know, losing control? Going fucking mad?" he spat bitterly.

"How come I've never seen that?" she said.

"Seen what?"

"Seen you be like that"

"Are you crazy? You can't possibly want to see me like that, Rory"

"Why is that?"

"Because I am crazy, Rory, I am insensible and cruel and brutal to someone just to make myself feel better! I don't want to be that way with you!" he yelled.

"So you hold back and keep it all inside, just because you think I am weak?"

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Rory" he spat starting the ignition and stirring the car violently out of the parking lot.

She sank back into her seat, the thoughts running through her head, the silence engulfing them like a hostile darkness at night.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She watched him move silently through the empty hall of the huge house, throwing his backpack and coat down.He had a hundred different silences. A patient one, that impressed her, when he needed to wait out a scene or for her to finish whatever. An accusing one, that made it impossible for her to hide there was something wrong. A sensual one, that was a challenge, a tease almost, for her to make the first move, the slightest, to let him now she was willing.

And there was this one, the one that scared her because it was so rare and violent. So tense, so unfamiliar to her. Like it was some hidden side of him that broke through every now and then. A silence that only came in the form of no words being spoken. Everything else about him, his eyes, his movements, the air around him was not silent, it screamed and yelled, the anger, frustration and despair barely able to not take a form and burst into a hearable buzz as well.

She knew what would come next. His flight. Almost as if he was ashamed to show this side, acknowledge to her that it existed. She let it go usually. Not because it was her decision, because he hardly gave her a chance to do elsehow.

Now, standing there in the blindingly quiet hall, watching him take the steps upstairs, she decided this wasn't the time she was going to let it go. Perhaps it was her ego taking control. The fact that she could have the whole of him, everything she wanted, but she still couldn't see into his darkness. As if she was not worthy of it. The fact that anyone who came his way was allowed to see those moments, feel them with him, except for her, was a slap in the face. Even if she knew it was a conscious decision on his part, probably to protect her. It still enraged her. She was not enough. After all this time, she was just an asylum, an innocent home he could come back to and forget about his troubles, the dark thoughts of his head, himself.

She walked up the stairs, her shoes sinking into the soft thick carpet, her steps masked.

She stepped through his door, the room dark from the blinds being drawn and for a second she wondered about the fact how much this room seemed to match his owner's mind. Ever changing, welcoming at one moment and dark and indifferent in the other.

"I am not leaving" she said, her voice echoing with a sort of confidence that seemed foreign to her even a couple of weeks before.

"Maybe it would be better if you did" came the answer as he walked through the room shedding the articles of clothing he was obliged to wear every day as though they caused actual physical pain when they came in contact with his skin.

"I am not just here for your good moments Tristan, I am not just here for the calm and cool part of you" she said.

"You don't know the other part of me" he yelled turning to her, the intensity catching her off guard. She stared at the face that seemed to always be controlled, now it seemed like the mask had been discarded and the true despair shone through.

"Let me get to know it" she said.

He scoffed and threw his shirt on the bed in anguish.

"You don't want to" he murmured.

"I never decided that. You did" she said, her voice accusing "You let them all see it, let them all have it, even though you knew they would never understand it"

He turned to her, his face hardened.

"I am shut out" she cried, tears welling up in her eyes "I am not worthy of it"

"Stop" he said the word, through gritted teeth, his fists balled up as if it took his last ounce of control to keep himself from screaming.

"All they ever wanted from you was a good fuck and you let yourself go when you're with them" she screamed pointing out the door towards some imaginary girls that in her mind eased his pain without even wanting to a thousand times.

"What do you want Rory?" he yelled at her, stepping closer "You wanna be like them? You want me to let go like that? You want me to unleash it all on you? Is that what you want?"

"It's what I am supposed to be here for"

"No, Rory, that's not true, you're better than that"

"When did you decide that? When did you decide that I am this innocent angel that's going to save you but never ease you?"

"They don't ease me, Rory"

"They just get to have the whole of you"

"I don't want to be that person when I'm with you"

"Why not?"

"Because you make me want to not be that person anymore"

"I make you want to pretend you're not yourself?"

He closed his eyes sighing in frustration, his breathing fast and ragged.

"Yes" he whispered.

"Well, don't" she said stepping closer "I don't want that" she pleaded "Show me. Show me what you show them"

"No" he breathed, eyes still closed, his face in a frown.

"I am all yours, I am all yours. I would never judge you" she whispered, her body reaching his, feeling him tremble violently.

"Let me in" she breathed.

He opened his eyes, the deep blue of them reflecting emptiness and hurt.

"You'll never love me again" he said.

"If it's not true, if it's not the whole truth, it's just not worth it" she answered.

She saw something flash through his eyes and he scoffed, a wry smile appearing on his face.

"You are insane" he said more to himself than her.

"Is this what you want?" he said, his face overtaken by frustration and pain "Fine. Have it all" he said closing his eyes, saying the words as if he just let go of a battle he was fighting against himself.

He took a deep breath and his hands went to his belt buckle. His movements were slow, but his hands were shaking, undoing his pants and letting them drop to the floor.

"Get on your knees" he said, in a deep voice that seemed foreign, cold and emotionless.

Her breath caught in her chest as the words registered, making her heart race and her blood rush through her vessels.

She stared at him motionless and watched as he opened his eyes, that seemed to be an icier blue than she ever remembered them.

"Get on your knees" he repeated looking at her, his face hard, his words cracking.

She obeyed, feeling her breathing speed up.

He pushed his boxers down, not bothering to step out of them, letting them pool up by his feet with his pants. His hands went to her head and she felt instantly aroused. Between the moment his hand reached her head and when he pulled her towards himself a thought about the strangeness of her arousal crossed her mind. The utter weirdness of her being turned on by something that he considered his weakness, something that was hard for him to let go of.

Perhaps it was not coincidence they found each other.

"Suck" he heard his voice and she gasped at the profanity, her mouth opening instantly, taking him inside her, sucking automatically.

"Harder" he whispered, his voice strained and she obeyed, increasing the pressure on his member that seemed to become more erect with every small movement of her mouth. She felt him fill her up and heard his moans, hard and strained, like nothing she's heard form his mouth before as he started moving inside of her, grabbing the back of her head.

She felt violated and turned on at the same time, feeling the warm ache rise between her legs, her breathing becoming erratic and strained.

His movements sped up and he cursed with every thrust.

"Fuck... Is this... what you wanted?... Is this..?... fuuuck"

He pulled out of her mouth suddenly, grabbing her arms and tossing her on the bed. She fell back, her head dizzy and in a haze. She felt his weight on her, his legs forcing hers apart, his arms pushing her skirt up and she laid there overtaken, not able to do anything, but succumb to his force.

She heard him rip her panties off and she gasped as he shoved two fingers inside of her. Her eyes fluttered shut, feeling the intense pain shoot through her core followed by an instant wave of pleasure. She moaned and whimpered as he moved his fingers in and out of her without any care or concern. His fingers slid in and out of her without effort, her wetness growing by the second.

"You happy? Is this what you wanted? Me to let go? If this turns you on, you are as sick as me" he spat.

She suddenly felt him turn her on her stomach, pushing her ass up and her mind barely registered the change when she felt him thrust into her violently and full length with a loud cry. Her own cry was muffled by the pillow her face was pushed into and she panted for air as she felt him slam into her again with full force.

"Is this what you want?" he screamed, his voice strained and husky, followed by his grunts and moans. His thrusts became even harder and she could feel nothing but her core torn and stretched by his rock hard erection. She felt the sobs escape her lips and her own whimpering, the pain and pleasure she felt all swirling in her abdomen. She heard her own voice between her pants, begging him to go on, to not stop and he obeyed, his thrusts strong enough to tear her apart.

She felt his hands on her ass, pulling and grasping, his fingers digging into her flesh with the same blind urge his cock was ravaging her center with.

She felt her whole body tense and her every nerve ending firing up with his increasing speed.

His screams were now a noncomprehendable mumble as he approached his edge, his thumb pushing violently into her ass and his last thrusts almost pushing her off the bed.

The unexpected sensation pushed her over the edge, her whole body shaking and tensing, her moans long and hard and she felt her eyes go black, and her muscles lose strength, collapsing on the bed.

She felt her body dissolve and sink into the air around her and her mind went completely blank.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She didn't know how long she'd laid there when she strained her eyes open again, the coolness of her own skin indicating it had been a while.

With her smallest move she felt the ache between her legs and she turned on her back groaning feeling the empty bed around her.

She held her breath listening to the silence of the room. She lifted her head and heard the water running, the only light in the room coming from the adjoining bathroom.

She rose, her body still spent, and walked towards the noise, not bothering to cover herself.

She opened the door and saw the huge shower box, the doors slightly covered with mist. She could still make out his form on the ground. She slid the door open, stepping onto the ledge and sat down across from him curling up into a ball, the hot water from above falling on them like rain.

He sat there naked, his face covered in his hand as lost as anyone could look. She watched him silently, as he hid from her. Her chest hurt with every breath she took, wanting so bad to make him feel at ease.

She moved carefully on her hands and knees, crossing the huge shower to reach him. She sat between his legs, her hands running along his arms and he sighed feeling her touch.

He let his hand drop from his face, his eyes still closed as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close and burying his face in her chest as he exhaled.

"I love you. I love only you" she whispered.

"I'm sorry" he said and squeezed his eyes tight as if trying not to let the tears take over "I'm so sorry"

She hushed him, rocking him gently.

"I scare myself, I swear" he mumbled, his words feverish "I just so wanted to be sane and calm and strong. I thought I could. I thought with you I could do anything"

She felt his warm tears on her chest, even warmer than the water hitting her back, his face not moving, as if by her not seeing, it wouldn't be a sign of weakness, and she held him for what seemed like ages, as if that simple deed could really and honestly make everything well, make him alright.


	31. Talking like it was the end of the world

She couldn't say how long they've been there under the hot water. He still felt lost, and hurt as only a child can be, weak in her arms.

He mumbled into her hold and it took her quiet hushing to calm him down.

His words became calmer, more easy to follow.

"You are different" he struggled with the words "I can't let you be one of them" he mumbled.

"One of who?" she asked quietly.

"Of them. They don't mean a fucking thing"

"Tristan"

"No. You don't understand. You are... I can't lose you"

"You aren't going to" she furrowed her brows concerned.

He shook his head as if he could still not express himself properly.

He pulled her close and held her tight.

"I can't lose you" he said again, his words frantic, feverish "I've never wanted to work for anything in my life. I wanted to throw everything I had away. But you, I got you by sheer chance, by accident. Sometimes I wonder how it all happened, how it all happened like this, how I could be so lucky"

"Tristan" she called out his name, trying to calm his ranting, to no avail.

"No, it's true. It was sheer luck and I realized I have to be strong to keep you, to not screw this up, because after I've had you, had you with me, I couldn't just let go. I couldn't let you see all this crap, especially now..."

"What do you mean? By especially now?" she asked worried, not able to follow his train of thoughts.

He didn't answer but pulled her even closer.

"God, you feel so good, you feel like heaven. I'm so sorry" he mumbled.

She sighed, realizing it was futile to try to make sense of his rambling. All she could do is hold him and wait for him to calm down, if he ever could. She hoped she had that ability.

"What happens when you get like that?" she suddenly heard herself ask, her honesty shocking even herself.

She felt him tense and knew he understood her question.

"I don't know. I feel like I control my every move, my every expression constantly. Sometimes it gets too much and I can't anymore. It's like everything I hold back suddenly comes out all at once, brutally and pointlessly. I can't think straight and it's like I'm in a haze"

"Like you are not in control of your own body?"

"Or anything else. It's like falling off a cliff" he said and the words sent a chill down her spine.

"And then...?" she asked cautiously.

"And then I feel annihilated. I feel disgusted. I feel... like I'm nothing, like I prove everyone right who thinks I'm worthless"

"No one thinks you're worthless" she replied.

"Everyone thinks I'm worthless" he sighed closing his eyes.

She sighed, not knowing what to say.

"I don't" she finally managed.

He looked up, his eyes mirroring his heartbreak. He opened his eyes, trying to formulate the words, but he failed, again and again.

"I'm... I'm so sorry" he whispered.

"I'm not" she said, cupping his face, forcing him to look at her.

"I want you. I want all of you. I want to be there for you, like you're there for me. I want to show you that I love you. Even if you have things you're ashamed of, things you want to hide"

"Why are you so good to me?" he asked, his voice hurt.

"I love you" she answered simply and he stared at her crushed by the simple statement.

"Don't I scare you?" he said, his voice suddenly calm, cold almost.

She furrowed her eyes and thought for a second.

"No" she said confidently "I know what it feels like"

He looked up with a bittersweet smile.

"Do you remember still?" he asked and the question surprised her. She narrowed her eyes as if trying to see the meaning behind it.

"Yes" she said incredulous "Tristan, you don't have to be ashamed. If anyone, I know what it feels like. I would never judge you" she whispered.

He pulled her close again sighing, as if he were suddenly too tired of words.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She parked the car next to his a little way off the shore of the lake. She sighed in relief over finally finding him, getting out of the car she basically stole from her mother after having gotten home from school.

He didn't show up that morning, nor all day.

She was only part surprised. She had all day long to figure out what it meant, to figure out what the night before meant to her.

She was still not sure.

It was an incredible revelation. Seeing him like that. At his worst. At his most vulnerable. She could hardly believe it. How someone you thought you knew so well could seem so distant and unknown all of a sudden. She replayed the scenes in her head over and over again wanting to know the reason, the meaning, the consequence. She still couldn't grasp it.

They ended up spending half the night talking, at first in the shower, his voice as quiet and broken as only a little kid's could be, with her holding him as if that would shield him from all the things that made him into what he was.

It was a strange experience. To find out someone that you thought to be the strongest person was actually just as weak and lost as you or anyone for that matter. She felt helpless, wanting to help him and still feeling like she was unable to.

It was almost dawn when the calmness returned to his face and his demeanour became his usual. Stoic and cool and hidden behind whatever mask he could muster to wear. It was heartbreaking to watch him try to hold onto that charade again. She was too tired to fight it and let it go, accepting when he offered to take her home.

She should have known it would never be the same. How could it? Maybe it was just like he said it. He was afraid she would never love him. Or even look at him. Or maybe he was just revelling in his rock bottom. That she had managed to uncover with her insistence. It suddenly hit her that maybe she'd left him alone at the worst possible time, when he gathered his last strength to seem calm and he pushed her away.

This thought only became clear to her as she sat in her French class watching his empty seat. She felt herself staring at the clock all day long, then dashed out of the room as soon as the last bell rang.

It wasn't easy to find him. Her first try had been his house, where she only found a confused Mandy. She was surprised to hear Tristan wasn't at school since he did pick her up to drive her home as usual. Rory didn't stay to ask anything more or bother to explain her what was going on. His family still felt off limits to her, even after having more and more insight into their dynamic. Her stomach churned when thinking of the fact that his absence from school, if uncovered would be fatal, what with his father's disappointment and intimidating threats hanging over his head.

Her next stop was his hang out with the guys, although she realized when she got there that he could probably not face anyone right now, which was probably the reason he didn't show up in school in the first place.

Then it hit her. The only place he could be. She cursed herself for not coming here straight away.

She took quick steps towards the shore, seeing his form with his back towards her, the thick dark clouds making the winter dusk seem even more solemn.

"Hey" she said as quietly as she could, not wanting to disturb him seeing he was probably deep in thought.

He turned around lazily, with only a small flash in his eyes hinting his surprise. He turned back towards the lake, his expression unchanged as she came to stand next to him.

"Hey" he replied, his voice quiet and seemingly calm "How did you know I was here?" he asked, his voice slightly amused.

"I just figured" she shrugged, watching his face as he looked at the water.

"Wow" he arched an eyebrow impressed, a smirk appearing on his face.

"Well, it wasn't nearly as romantic. I went by your house first, then the parking lot where you hang out, then here. I basically drove around all afternoon" she rambled, trying to keep the mood light, even though her heart was beating hard against her chest.

"Impressive" he chuckled, still not looking at her.

"You okay?" she said, not able to hide her concern anymore.

"Yeah. I just had to..." he said, then trailed off with a sigh, his face suddenly reflecting hurt and exhaustion.

She knew that feeling. Only being able to finish half a sentence. As if finding a couple of words to fit those dots were just too much of an effort, so you give up halfway through.

She slid up next to him, her fingers entwining with his and she watched as he sighed closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, barely audible.

She listened without a word, not knowing what he was apologizing for. Last night. Today. Now. Her heart broke watching his face. His shame, his hurt, his anguish all evident in his solemn demeanour.

"Tristan... I think we need some help" she said slowly, quietly, careful as if that one sentence could set off a chain reaction.

He sighed again.

"Help?" he repeated her last word, still not looking at her.

He rubbed his temples and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Because of last night?" he turned to her, his eyes deep blue and sad.

"No, Tristan, because of you. Because of how you feel, because..." she trailed off unable to find the words "because you need help"

"Jesus, Rory" he groaned, sighing as he closed his eyes.

"I know how you feel about this, but this is not normal" she said, her expression firm, her voice determined.

"Not normal?" he repeated, his tone slightly cynical "What isn't normal?"

"You. This feeling. Everything" she said, not bothering to elaborate. She knew that he knew exactly what she was talking about.

"So what if it isn't? Why does everyone have to be cheerful and normal?" he said, his words full of hurt and anger.

"It's not about that" she said frustrated.

"Then what is it about?" he turned to her, his icy eyes burning straight through her.

"It's being able to be better" she said, her concern echoing in her words.

"So what? We should go to therapy together and pop those pills every morning till the rest of our lives just to numb ourselves?" he scoffed and she realized for a second he's never been so brutal with her, not even when he lost control of his body and needs. His words stung more than any act he could do.

"I am not saying that" she whispered.

"You really think that you are feeling better because of those drugs? Couldn't it possibly be that you have people who finally give a shit about you? That your parents finally pay attention to you and don't take you being perfect for granted? That you have a fucking perspective and not just some stupid childhood dream to live up to? That you have someone by your side? Do you honestly think it's those fucking pills?" he spat, his face full of emotions, his eyes blazing.

"I don't know Tristan, all I know is that I am better. I don't know if it's what you said, or the pills or therapy or whatever. All I know is that it was worth an effort to try everything" she pleaded.

"Well that's great, Elizabeth Wurtzel, write a fucking book. Or call Pfizer and be a fucking spokesperson. But don't try to make me feel guilty about not taking the easy way out" he shot back.

"How is this the easy way out? How is, what you've seen me try to get through, what you've been there to get me through, the easy way out for you?" she raised her voice as well.

"I don't know. I guess I just don't believe in all this?" he said, his face in a bitter frown.

"In what? The fact that it can feel different? Maybe you've just lived your life like this too long. Tristan I hadn't even realized that it was an effort to breath, that it was an effort to get up every morning. That it does matter that you don't have to make the excruciating effort just to be able to function" she said, now desperately trying to make him understand.

"This isn't something that happened to me Rory. I lived my whole life like this. I have my beliefs" he said, his tone warning.

"What beliefs? That you have to be miserable?" she scoffed.

"I don't want to be like them, okay? I look at them and it makes me sick! I don't want to be careless and free and stupid. I want to hurt, I want to suffer. Happiness never fucking took me anywhere" he yelled.

"So, you're just gonna be depressed for the rest of your life because you think it's cooler than being happy?" she scoffed again.

"You don't know what the heck you're talking about, Rory. I've seen you change. I've seen you fucking change. If you feel better, that's great, but don't tell me you are the same girl I had that talk with out here three months ago, the girl that gets me without a question, every single thought without me even having to explain. You're not" he said and the words stung deep.

"So I am supposed to feel guilty about that? The fact that I am not so miserable that I recognize all your misery?" she spat.

"No. You're not. But you're not supposed to make me feel guilty about realizing that either" he said, his voice calm and hurt.

"Well you could change too. Why does change have to be this horrible thing?" she said, pleading once again.

"Why do I have to change Rory? I was fine before I met you, I had a routine" he said.

"Oh and you just want to stick to that because why? You are just so fucking stubborn Tristan, you are thinking that everyone just wants to change you and make you do things you don't want to, but you don't for one minute consider that you might actually like those things. You have to not go to college, or not go to a good college, because your parents would like that. You have to hate your whole life, because your sister would like you to accept it. And you have to throw your whole future away just because I am saying it could be a nice one. Just because you have a stupid idea in your head that you are going to be a genius in despair forever. Well you know what? I think you are taking the easy way out. I think it's easier for you to push everyone away than to accept the fact that you might have a shot at a good life" she shot, her emotions carrying her away.

"Don't you get it? Maybe we just have different views, Rory. This is the good life for me. Being able to not give a damn about the expectations, and about whether you have a fucking future or not. I am not gonna live my life the way everybody wants me to" he said, his voice bitter once again.

"Even if it would make you happy?" she smiled a wry smile.

"It wouldn't" he shot back.

"How do you know that?" she asked.

"I just do... Look, Rory, I tried, I tried because I thought you were worth it. Because I thought I could do anything for you. But maybe I can't. Maybe I'm just not able to do that. I wish I could. You deserve someone that can" he said, his voice becoming soft and defeated.

"Don't say that. Don't fucking say that" she warned, tears welling up in her eyes.

"I love you, Rory Hayden. I love you more than anything. But maybe I am not enough. Maybe love is not enough" he said, his face in a frown as if the words were actually bitter in his mouth.

"Shut up. Don't say that" she cried, sobs breaking from her lips as she hit his chest with fists balled up. He stood there letting her do it, as though he welcomed the feeling of pain induced by her fists pounding against his chest. Her movements became weaker and she gripped his shirt, falling against his chest. He let his arms come up around her, rocking her gently.

"Please, just say it's going to be alright" she whispered between sobs and he sighed, pulling her closer into his body.

"It's going to be alright" he whispered reluctantly. She wanted so to believe it, she wanted so to believe nothing else but that. It was his line to say, his role to play. And she was thankful for that one sentence. The sweetest of lies.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She stomped up the stairs ignoring her mother's surprised questions and shut the door of her room behind her back falling against it sighing.

Her throat still burned and the tears stung her eyes.

His words echoed in her head and the world seemed to spin around so fast that she wanted to scream to make it stop.

She kept returning to those words.

She winced trying to clear her mind to be able to think. Had she really changed that much? Just because she felt different? Better? Was she really unable to talk to him like she had before?

Was it really just their joint depression, their joint frustration and sorrow that brought them together, like a light guiding them towards each other? And if so, would it all fall apart just because one of them was willing to change?

She felt her breathing speed up, the hysteria gripping her chest. She closed her eyes to shut them tight as if that would calm everything, silence her screaming thoughts and make everything more clear.

She suddenly opened her eyes and sighed. Her eyes focused into the distance and she suddenly knew what she was going to do. Knew how it was supposed to be.

She walked across her room to the adjoining bathroom, her steps confident, determined. She opened her cabinet and took out the vile of pills.

She stood there staring at the orange container for what seemed like minutes then with one sudden movement she uncapped it and emptied it, letting the white pills pour into the toilet.

She flushed and watched as they all went down the drain.


	32. Status quo

She sat on the bleachers watching the snowflakes fall silently from the heavy clouds.

Everything felt more quiet when it snowed. As if the delicate blanket could muffle not just the sounds but the thoughts as well.

She suddenly felt the seat beneath her resonate with heavy steps and she looked up seeing him climb the stairs with a surprised expression.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, smiling, a smile that actually seemed genuine. Something she relished when she saw seeming that it had become a rare occurrence.

The past couple of weeks had been quiet, what with both of them desperately trying to forget the happenings of those few days. His low, her insistent nudging and their confrontation at the lake.

They both seemed to want to erase all those thoughts from their head, as if going back to where they were before, to the status quo, would once again make everything more simple, or more calm at least. As if the denial could be their very own blanket of snow to cover and quiet everything.

"Hey" he sat down next to her, pulling her back from her thoughts "what are you doing out here?" he repeated, his smile still in place and even now she couldn't help but get lost in it, her own face mirroring his expression.

She shrugged, not bothering to answer and it made him smile even more as he leaned in to kiss her gently.

"You are back to your bad girl ways" he murmured.

"Oh yeah, I got the Harley behind the stands" she replied.

He snickered and pulled away to look at her once again.

She shifted uncomfortably under his intense gaze and looked out over the field.

"Aren't you cold out here?" he asked.

"Nah" she shrugged "it actually makes the temperature rise when it snows, did you know that?" she asked, anything to get the attention to shift from her.

"Is that so?" he asked arching an eyebrow.

"Yep. Scientific fact" she shrugged.

"Scientific fact or not, I bet your butt is frozen to that seat" he snickered and she smiled as well.

It had been easy to smile for him. It was real. As opposed to all the carefully constructed smiles she had to place everyday in order to keep up pretenses.

She was amazed how soon she felt the change after she had stopped taking the pills. She was ready for it and welcomed it. She prepped herself ahead of time to be able to register everything, the changes, the moods. And she had a carefully constructed plan on how to act and to behave in order to keep from the world her secret. It was an exhausting task, but doable. She just had to keep her goals in front of her. She had to perform well in school, ease into her usual role at home and keep her goals in her mind. This seemed to be the hardest. Because every day she had to remind herself of what and why she wanted. The only thing that was easy for her nowadays was being with him.

Maybe he had been right. It was their mood that brought them together, that made them see eye to eye, that made them know each other like no one else could, that made them realize each other's feelings and thoughts without actual words being spoken.

Her whole body eased when he was around. As if she could lower the mask, give up the pretenses, pause the performance. With him everything was easy. And after all, that was her main goal.

"You are so gone" he smiled.

"What?" she furrowed her brows looking at him.

"You were so lost in thought just now" he repeated himself.

"Oh" she blushed "sorry"

"What were you thinking about?" he asked.

"Uhm, you know... nothing really" she shrugged.

"So me again, with no clothes on?" he arched an eyebrow.

"Hmmm" she smiled, the picture suddenly really appearing in front of her eyes.

He snickered.

"So, what time should I pick you up tonight?" he asked suddenly, his tone weary.

She narrowed her eyes for a second, obviously lost.

"My parents' party, remember? They insisted that you come?" he clarified.

"Oh right, yes, of course" she said quickly, remembering his discomfort from a couple of days ago when he told her about the party.

She had officially met his parents a couple of days prior and felt like an actual show dog as they examined her and beamed with pride. She had heard about a dozen times that night how great it was for Tristan to have found someone so inspiring and who was going to be such a good influence on him, to the point where she felt his obvious discomfort her own.

"So seven?" he asked.

"Yeah, that's great" she replied.

"Could I maybe convince you to wear something tight, black and of the shiny rubber sort?" he smirked.

"You want me to dress up as catwoman for your parents' dinner party?" she asked with a serious face.

"Oooh, doesn't she have a whip as well?" he stared into the distance, imaginary pictures seemingly flooding his brain.

"My god" she groaned.

He kissed her again and quickly stood up, pulling her to her feet.

"Come on, let's not get caught" he said.

She obeyed and let him lead her down the steps and towards the school.

"Are your parents really bummed about having to come?" he asked.

Rory smiled. Her parents detested society events and had elaborate schemes usually to get out of any type of gatherings which were usually set up by her grandmother. They were more than annoyed by the DuGreys' invitation but they figured that it was after all inevitable if their children were officially together. Her mother had been joking for the past three days debating how many camels she should ask for in exchange for Rory's hand if the DuGreys made an offer.

"No, I am actually worried they are too excited" Rory chuckled.

"Lorelai planing to hit big tonight?" he asked jokingly.

"She's been practicing her stand up routine in front of the mirror for three nights in a row" she giggled.

"It will be a smash with the cream of Hartford, I'm sure" he snickered.

They had reached the side entrance to the school and Rory suddenly felt his hand grasp her arm and pull her back. She spun around, coming to stop just inches away from his face. She held her breath, looking up into his eyes, that were serious and mesmerisingly blue.

"Hey" he whispered "you okay?"

She swallowed, the proximity and the directness of the question all so sudden.

She nodded silently and squirmed lightly under his intense gaze.

"Okay" he mouthed and pulled her in for a soft kiss that left her breathless.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The soft clinking of dinnerware was almost hypnotizing. She felt herself drift for the hundredth time that evening, uninterested in the polite chitchat about weather, politics and whatever lame topic Hartford's finest was interested in. The conversation halted abruptly every now and then thanks to one of her mother's excellent showstopper remarks, but she hardly even registered these.

She suddenly felt electricity in the air and realized it was him leaning in to whisper in her ears. She smiled at this, that his closeness still induced such a reaction in her even subconsciously.

"Everything alright?" he whispered and she smiled in return.

"Yes, we'd like Tristan to attend Princeton as well, but honestly, I would be fine with just about any college at this point, given his lack of enthusiasm" she heard his father's voice and felt Tristan tense abruptly.

She sighed turning towards the man, obviously too immersed in the conversation to realize the effect his words were having on his own son.  
She shifted her gaze to Mandy who was sitting across from her, her expression worried and studying her brother's face.

"We are hoping young Rory here will be a good influence on him" she heard his mother and she cringed barely noticeable.

"Tell us, dear Rory, what your plans are. Are you still set on Harvard? I would certainly not resist if you were to seduce my son towards Cambridge" his father chuckled and all eyes turned to Rory, who suddenly felt tired and annoyed. She felt like she'd answered this particular question at least a dozen times just that night.

"Nothing's set in stone yet. And as for Tristan, I am sure he'll make up his own mind about his plans" she answered, a bit too coldly perhaps as the room suddenly fell silent for a second.

"Oh, darling, please pour me some more wine" she heard her own mother's voice come to the rescue "Fine wine that. What is it, Bourdeaux? It's a very good vintage that, don't you think Christopher?" she rambled, careful to control all the attention and the polite conversation once again started up leaving Rory to feel relieved.

She forgot how difficult it was to interact, how difficult it was to fake it. She pushed her chair back suddenly and excused herself walking out of the room.

She felt a sort of dizziness that came over her and needed the air rushing past her face as she walked. She slipped into a bathroom and stared at her reflection in the brightly lit mirror.

The door opened quietly behind her and she glanced up to see him enter.

"What's wrong?" he asked without beating around the bush. He walked up to her and turned her around to face him.

"What makes you think something is wrong? I just had to come to the bathroom... which by the way, I view as a strictly solitary act, so if you..."

"What's wrong?" he cut her off, his eyes serious and his face calm.

She sighed.

How did he read her like that?

"Nothing" she mumbled "it's just this party... I'd rather be somewhere else... I'd rather be anywhere else for that matter" she sighed.

"Story of my life" he chuckled and she rested her head against his shoulder relaxing.

"I don't know how you deal with the constant implications and veiled allusions" she murmured.

"You know how I deal with them. Very badly" he replied and she could hear the smirk in his voice.

"I hate this. It's paralysing. All those expectations. They are not even placed on me, but I get paralysed just by listening to them talk about it constantly" she looked up at him.

"Yeah, well, it's their main concern, you can't blame them. What would the people think if the DuGreys' son didn't end up a fabulous success?" he asked bitterly.

"Tristan..." she started but he cut her off.

"Hey, look" he caressed her cheek with his hand then let his hands drop to her side, holding her in place "we'll smile and nod, get over this fucking dinner party and we'll be out of here in no time"

"It's not just the party" she said looking in his eyes "it's your whole life"

He sighed.

"I worry about it one party at a time" he smiled wryly.

"What's gonna happen?" she asked.

"Wow, that's like planing three parties ahead, Hayden, slow down" he snickered.

"What's gonna happen?" she repeated her question and watched him close his eyes sighing.

"I'll listen to this for another year, finish school, then figure it out for myself. They won't have a say in anything. I'll be old enough to decide, to take care of myself. And I will do what I want. For me. Not for them"

"Or for me" she said, her voice slightly bitter.

"His eyes shot up to meet hers, the intensity in them suddenly making her breathing stop.

"Rory, let's not start" he said, his voice surprisingly calm, in contrast to his eyes "You do your own planing and I'll do mine. Just because I won't be drawing sketches at Yale, it doesn't mean we can't be together" he said.

She sighed dropping her gaze. She had given up trying to convince him about anything weeks ago. She decided to take her father's advice and set him free so to speak, give him his own room to decide. But she couldn't help her fears from being voiced every now and then.

She felt him move closer, his lips inches away from her ears, his breaths hot on her skin. It made her shiver lightly.

"It's all going to be incredible" he whispered and she closed her eyes listening to the hum of his voice "you'll come home after a day of listening to pretentious crap about 18th century English literature and shall be so spent you won't protest against anything I might want to do to you"

Her lips perked up in a smile even though she tried to keep herself from doing so.

"I'll make you food, some coffee to make sure you don't resist" he went on, his voice a husky murmur as his hands moved down her side and gently pulled up her chiffon dress "then I shall do things to you that will make you scream and moan and convince our neighbors that we are indeed horny teenage kids finally living away from home" he chuckled lightly, his hands now under her dress and caressing her thighs.

She let out a breathy sigh, her back resting against the bathroom sink behind her, her heartbeat racing.

"What more do you want?" he asked playfully, as his hands moved over her soft silk panties.

He groaned.

"Silk? God, you're killing me here"

It was her turn to chuckle, but she stopped suddenly as she felt his finger push the delicate material to the side and dip into her.

A moan escaped her lips.

"You're so wet" he whispered, barely audible "Small talk with Mr. Gifford turn you on so much?" he chuckled, another finger joining the first one as she moaned again.

"You're sick" she exhaled "how could you even... mention him when you are... inside of me?" she asked, her voice ragged and he chuckled again, increasing his speed.

"I want to fuck you so bad" he whispered into her ear and the declaration sent a chill down her spine.

His fingers slipped out of her and before she knew it she was on the sink, her legs spread and his hands pulling the silk panties off of her.

She felt lightheaded and steadied herself with her hands as her eyes squeezed shut, hearing the familiar sounds of his pants unzipping and the opening of a tin foil.

Her eyes snapped open as she felt his hands grab her ass and pull her forward, his erection entering her suddenly.

His head resting in the crook of her neck, he let out a muffled groan.

"This is crazy" she moaned, her head dropping back as he started thrusting into her "we'll get caught"

"I'll be... quick... I swear" he half chuckled and half moaned, his face reflecting pleasure as he moved inside her, his thrusts deeper and deeper, his grunts muffled.

Her head was swirling, the dizziness from before taking over her whole mind, her body aching and excited at the same time, her breathing becoming more and more erratic.

He felt his hands move from her ass towards her center where their bodies met and she moaned loud as she felt his fingers circling her clit.  
"Shhh" he smiled as he crushed his lips against hers to silence her but her moans kept coming, her whole body ecstatic by the combined stimulation.

She gripped his shoulders tight and broke the kiss to pull him even closer, her lips against his ears.

"I'm going to cum" she panted and he groaned frustrated, his thrusts becoming frantic as she clenched around him, biting her lip to keep from screaming, pulling him along with her.

She dropped back breathing hard, her weight resting on her shaking arms.

He cursed quietly as he pulled out of her.

"You, Rory Hayden Gilmore" he whispered into her ear as he discarded the condom and zipped up "are incredible" he declared with a smirk and gave her a light kiss.

"And I think I am gonna walk in there and tell everyone that" he jokingly said turning towards the door.

She pulled him back chuckling.

"Don't you dare" she whispered as she slid of the sink and kissed him again, her tongue darting into his mouth as he moaned.

He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closed as if he were concentrating on calming his breathing.

"This party just got so much better" he murmured, his voice still raspy.

She smiled closing her eyes as he placed gentle kisses on her face.

"Yeah, I guess, if there is a bathroom you can sneak out into, no party is too horrible" she agreed.

She sighed, letting the comfortable feeling of being spent register in her body.

"Can I have my panties back?" she asked suddenly and it made him chuckle and take a step back.

He shook his head and she gasped in mock embarrassment.

"I'm taking it hostage" he chuckled "you can try to get it back later tonight"

"I'm not going out there with no panties on" she declared.

"Oh come on, half of those people are not wearing underwear" he smirked "Mr. Gifford? So going commando"

She felt the laughter shake her whole body and she hugged him again, thankful for having him cheer her up no matter what.

He rested his forehead against hers closing his eyes and sighing.

"I should get back" he groaned "they're probably talking already"

"Yeah, go" she said "I'll be a sec" she smiled and watched as he walked out of the bathroom.

She sighed and turned back towards the mirror observing the damage done.

It was going to take more then a second to fix her hair and make-up and allow her swollen lips to regenerate.

She chuckled.

Then it suddenly hit her. Under the bright lights, against the sterility of the carefully designed restroom.

That sharp pain. The one that was like a void. Reminding her nothing was as easy as sneaking out of a room to forget about the world. The world didn't stop to exist just because she wouldn't take notice.

She closed her eyes.

She couldn't remember the last time she felt it. Forgot about it all together.

She remembered now. How it felt to be overwhelmed and unmotivated and waiting for him to show up, just so she'll have something to hold onto.

She suddenly understood the clarity of that moment. Standing in a bathroom, post coital, with no promises or reassurances about the future, just the incredible urge to be with someone whatever it takes.

It was like diving off a cliff. Without knowing what's beneath.


	33. Thin ice

"Hey, beautiful" she heard his voice, warm and affectionate and she turned to see him leaning against her doorway, the darkness in the room not allowing her to see all his features.

"Hey" she said, surprised. She looked around spotting the watch on her desk informing her that it was already pretty late "what are you doing here? I thought you had a family thing tonight" she asked.

He smirked and walked towards her bed, sitting down on it as she turned in her chair to face him.

"It's over and I thought I'd come by"

"And my mom let you in?" she asked incredulous.

"She figured I'd sneak in anyways" he smirked.

She smiled and got up to walk over to him. She sat in his lap, straddling him.

"Hey" she whispered quietly, before kissing him lightly.

"Hey" he replied, a grin breaking on his face "it was definitely worth coming here"

"Oh yeah?" she asked arching an eyebrow.

"It's much nicer to end the day on a high note" he replied.

"Oh. Was the evening that bad?" she asked.

"It was okay" he replied and she couldn't help but notice his attempt at wanting to remain as vague as possible.

"What was this anyway?" she asked, her suspicion taking a hold of her.

He sighed, as if a child being caught.

"My dad wanted to meet an old friend of his" he said glancing around uneasily.

"An old friend?" she repeated.

"Who happens to be the Dean of Admissions in Princeton" he went on.

"Oh" she said, suddenly understanding his dislike of the whole subject. She dropped her gaze, wanting to push him as little as possible. She still felt guilty about having tried.

"Oh? That's it? No rant about architecture or Ivy League colleges of any sort?" he asked, his voice playful.

She stood up, pushing herself off of him and forced a smile on her face.

"Nope" she said and walked over to her desk to arrange some notes.

"Ooookay. Who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend?" he asked and she sighed.

"It's your decision, Tristan" she said, her voice perhaps too cold.

"Rory?" he asked.

She continued to arrange the notes, not wanting to look at him.

"Rory, could you look at me?" he asked.

She stopped, the notes falling back on the desk and she turned around reluctantly looking up at him.

"What is it?" he asked, his face concerned.

"Nothing. You were just right. About everything. About it not being a rush. And about not having to be worried crazy about how things are going to go. I am not gonna obsess about what's gonna happen two years from now. We'll just see. You can't plan anything anyways. It will just happen and that's that" she said shrugging, her words coming out in fast succession.

He studied her face intently and remained silent for a minute.

"I don't want to influence your decisions. It's your life" she went on.

"You do influence my decisions" he said.

"Well, I don't want to" she shot back and sighed, regretting having raised her voice.

"Tristan, look... you were right. You can't plan ahead. I knew nothing about you half a year ago, other than the fact that you were a womanizing badass. If I think about how much my life changed, how much I've gone through... How could I plan anything ahead? When things can change so easily?" she said, struggling to find the right words to express herself.

"Okay" he mouthed "So what's going to happen?" he asked quietly.

She shrugged and walked over to him again, pushing him back on the bed and laying down next to him.

"I don't know. We'll see" she said and snuggled into his hold.

He sighed and put his arm around her, caressing her hair.

"You know I love you, right?" he asked suddenly, his voice concerned.

She shifted lightly to look at his face.

"Yeah, I know" she replied, confident.

"I never... ever thought..." he started but trailed off unable to find the words.

"What?" she asked.

"That I'd want to be a good boyfriend" he blurted out.

She smiled a light smile.

"I am trying, you know that, right?" he asked, still concerned.

"I know" she reassured him once again.

"I know that I seem like a mess sometimes and that I've been incredibly crazy, but..." he struggled.

"I know" she cut him off, her voice calm, quiet.

"It is going to be fine..." he turned to face her "I mean, we've gone through everything and you are fine and I am going to be good too and it's all going to work itself out, there is no point in worrying about it, right?" he asked her, like a small kid waiting for reassurance.

"It doesn't have to be sacrifices or giving up things for each other, because it works without all that, it just works, right? Some things were meant to work" he went on.

She looked at him, the uneasy feeling gripping her chest.

It was hardly no sacrifices. She knew that much. But he didn't need to be told. Some things you have to do silently, bravely, because you feel about them strongly in your heart. She knew this. She told herself that like a mantra so she would remember it even if the darkness set in and her thoughts would be clouded.

"Yeah" she whispered "Some things were meant to work"

xxxxxxxx

She loved the snow. She really did. She watched as the thick white blanket seemed to swallow her boot clad feet. She loved the contrast it brought, loved how it balanced everything out. The whiteness too overwhelming for any other color to persist.

"Conversing the snowflakes?" she heard her mother's voice and she turned around to see her walk up next to her.

She forced out a smile and shrugged her shoulders.

"You know it" she chuckled.

"Yeah" she replied, looking up at the steady snowfall that graced the small town on the gloomy Saturday morning.

"It took a long time to get here this year" Lorelai sighed and then studied Rory's face.

"You okay?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Why do you ask?" she replied, not missing a beat. She found it was easier to hide things from her mother if she took a proactive approach to it. Even this way, she could tell she knew something was not right. She's been feeling guilty about not noticing the changes in her the first time around, and now that Rory decided she wanted to go back to her natural state of mind, she found it was her mother that took the most work to convince everything was fine. She had plans, scenarios played out in her head, proof to back up that all indeed was fine, yet her mom still managed to catch her in her solemn moments when she let her guard down thinking she didn't have to play her role.

"Uhm, there is a whole box of chocolate fudge Pop Tarts that I bought two days ago and it's unopened" her mom said suspiciously.

"Ahhh, well you're right, there is something wrong with me then" she chuckled.

"Yes, I'm sure of it" her mother replied.

"I think you have to schedule an intervention here. Get dad to force my hands back while you stuff my face with Pop Tarts. Maybe drag me to a facility where they'll reintroduce me to the steady consuming of totally unhealthy products" she rambled.

"You could have just said you didn't notice" Lorelai remarked.

"Damn, I knew there was an easier way out of this predicament" she chuckled.

Her mother smiled, but her eyes still showed concern.

"Is he picking you up?" she asked.

"Yeah, we're going to go skating" Rory replied.

"Oh, so your skates in your hand are not just something that will anchor you to the ground in case the wind blew really strong?" Lorelai asked smiling.

"No, my boots serve that purpose" Rory replied not missing a beat.

"How are you two doing?" Lorelai asked suddenly.

Rory looked at her perplexed.

"Uhm, we're good, why?" she asked carefully.

"I don't know, just wondering. You seem good. I mean the two of you"

"Did we not seem good before?"

"Well, there was that movie night incident"

"Yeah, well, we figured it's better to avoid the subject" she replied looking down at the snow.

"We? Or you?" Lorelai asked worried.

Rory looked up at her, narrowing her eyes.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

Lorelai sighed.

"Nothing. I'm just hoping it's not always you making sacrifices in this relationship"

"What?" Rory scoffed.

"I'm hoping you are not making too big sacrifices" Lorelai said lowering her voice, staring at Rory.

Rory suddenly felt her cheeks fire up, as though her mother's blue eyes bore straight through her. She wondered for a second if her mother knew her secret. Then she discarded the thought with a light shrug. She couldn't know. Could she?

"I am not" she replied.

"You sure?" she persisted and Rory looked at her again, once again an uneasy feeling gripping her chest.

"What are you implying?" she asked her mother.

"Nothing, I've just been watching you"

"Watching me? Like having people follow me watching?" Rory raised an eyebrow.

"No. Just..." she sighed "I am worried"

"Why?" Rory asked.

"I don't know, it's just mother's intuition. I know he's helped you through so much and I know you love him" she ranted and went on despite Rory flinching hearing her talk about her relationship with Tristan.

"And I know I should be happy you have him, but I am worried, because I know he's not exactly the most cheery person on the face of the planet and I would just so love for you to be well again and..."

"And what? You think he's holding me back from being happy? He is one of the few things making me happy, mom"

"I know that, that's not what I meant"

"Well, I don't know what you mean, mom" she scoffed, now frustrated.

Lorelai sighed, trying to find the right words to explain.

"I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes it's hard to know what's good for you if you are so immersed in something, it's hard to see past the situation"

"You are still speaking in riddles" Rory scolded.

Lorelai sighed again.

"You can never be sure. About anything. So it's not smart to build a life on something without having a safety net" she struggled with the words.

"You are saying I should be prepping myself to be able to survive if this doesn't work out for me?" Rory asked coldly and Lorelai looked paralysed by her directness, as if Rory had said out loud what she was trying to sugarcoat.

"You know, just because you can't believe in love and can't take a chance, that doesn't mean no one else can" Rory shot.

"What?" Lorelai scoffed.

"You know what? Not everyone can be like you. Not everyone can be cool and calm when it comes to emotions and send someone away just because it's the smart thing to do" Rory went on, her words coming out of her mouth before her brain could approve of them.

"What are you talking about?" Lorelai whispered, her eyes mirroring a sort of panic.

"I know you sent dad away" Rory said.

"How do you know that? And what does this have to do with anything?" Lorelai asked.

"Dad told me" Rory replied.

Lorelai sighed and turned to glance at the house as if silently cursing her husband.

"Rory, that was completely different"

"Yeah it was, because you were afraid to take a chance, you had to go and make two people miserable for months before you realized that he really did love you and was willing to do anything for you"

"Rory"

"No mom, you know what? I'd rather be stupid and trust it without any doubts, okay? I don't need a safety net. I just need him"

"Rory" Lorelai pleaded.

They both turned as they heard his car pull up in front of the house.

"I gotta go" Rory said and Lorelai sighed.

"Hey Ms. Gilmore" Tristan greeted Lorelai and she nodded in return, her face troubled.

Rory walked through the snow covered front lawn and got in the car.

"Why does she look so worried?" Tristan greeted her with a light kiss.

"She's just worried about the ice not being thick enough" Rory replied, not looking at her mother anymore.

"Don't worry Ms. Gilmore, I'll take care of her" he shouted as he started the car.

Lorelai looked after them unconvinced.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rory stumbled and stuck out her arms to keep herself from falling on the slippery ice of the frozen lake. She slowly straightened her body and sighed relieved. She looked towards the shore to see Tristan study the horizon with a solemn face.

"Hey" she called out, catching his attention. He looked her way and smiled a tired smile.

"Aren't you coming?" she asked.

"I was just enjoying your Monty Python shtick there" he chuckled lightly.

"Oh yeah? Well I would like to see you try, it's easy to talk from the outside" she said accusingly.

Tristan raised an eyebrow and smirked, then stepped on the ice with ease, gliding towards Rory picking up more and more speed. She gasped seeing how skillfully and with ease he moved on the ice, his movements in complete sync. He stopped suddenly in front of her, spraying her with shaved ice.

"What was that now?" he asked with a smirk on his face and she stared at him with mouth agape.

"You told me you don't skate much!" she exclaimed shocked.

"What is 'much'?" he asked with a cocky smile.

"You let me make a fool of myself!" she exclaimed.

"Yep" he agreed.

"I hate you" she said, trying to slide past him, but her heated movements caused her to lose her balance again.

He caught her chuckling and she held onto him reluctantly, a pout on her face.

He helped her back on her feet and pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Have I told you today" he murmured with a smile "that I am madly in love with you?"

She bit her lip trying to stop the smile that was about to break on her face, determined to not let him off the hook so easily.

"I don't remember you saying that, no" she said with mock seriousness.

He smiled and pulled her close kissing her slowly, passionately, firing up those sparks that his words had elicited in the pit of her stomach.

She sighed and rested her forehead against his.

"I love this place" she said.

He smiled.

"Me too"

"What were you thinking about?" she asked pulling away slightly.

He furrowed his brows, not understanding her question.

"Just now at the shore. You seemed lost in thought. What were you thinking about?" she clarified.

He sighed shrugging, closing his eyes.

She knew that it wasn't a shrug of frustration.

She knew he was trying to identify what he was thinking about. It's easy it get lost in thought without even being fully aware of what you're pondering. She knew that feeling.

He sighed again and opened his mouth to talk.

She smiled involuntarily. She noticed how hard he tried to voice his feelings and thoughts lately. Letting her know. She hoped it wasn't something he forced upon himself but something he finally felt able to do.

"I was just thinking about how I used to come here alone" he said looking up at her.

She narrowed her eyes, worrying.

"It was this place that no one knew about. It was a getaway. Something I kept my own" he said, his words low and quiet.  
She dropped her gaze suddenly, feeling unsure.

"I was thinking about how things changed" he went on "You never know what's going to happen do you?" he chuckled amused.  
She looked up at him, still uncertain.

"No, I guess not" she agreed.

"I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I met you. I'm glad you get me" he said "that's what I was thinking about" he smirked and she looked up again, relief washing over her.

"Really?" she asked.

"God, some things just make sense" he said taking a deep breath.

She smiled, but suddenly felt that pang of anxiety in her chest. As if she were cheating somehow. She suddenly had an incredible urge to tell him her secret. That she's stopped taking the pills, that she felt herself sink back into the place she was when she met him, but that it made her happy somehow, that she was happy to be back where only he seemed sure and important enough to make an effort for. She wanted to be honest like he was with her.

She opened her mouth, but no words came out.

"Some things you just feel sure about. How incredible is that?" he went on, oblivious to her distress.

He let her go and skated around her with a happy grin on his face.

She watched him with a bittersweet smile.

She wondered whether this was a breaking point. Whether her secret, that has managed to mend things broken between them would now instead create an abyss, making him seem further and further away.

She sighed and felt lost standing there on the ice, the skates making her feet wobbly.

"What if it won't always make perfect sense?" she asked suddenly and he stopped dead in his track, looking at her.

He studied her face as she desperately tried to keep her torment hidden.

He shrugged, the smile not leaving his face.

"I don't need to think about that" he said.

"You don't need a safety net?" she asked, her tone slightly ironic.

"No. I don't" he said, coming to stand in front of her "I've never felt this sure in my life"

She smiled at him, thankful, but couldn't ignore the strange cold inside her chest, that was worse than the ice beneath her feet, worse than the darkness surrounding her at night, worse than the insomnia or the unwillingness, or anything she could possibly feel. It was something she had a hard time fighting. Something she had no bulletproof plan against. It was doubt.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She heard the knock on her window and she looked up from the book she's been staring at on her bed for the past minutes.

She rose from the bed and walked over to the window opening it, feeling the cool rush of air that hit her face and seeing the dancing snowflakes drift into the room as he climbed in.

"It's freezing cold out there" he hissed falling inside, shaking from the cold. He didn't bother to rise, he rested instead on the floor as she closed the window, coming to sit next to him.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered smiling, watching as he tried to blow hot air on his hands to get some circulation back into them.  
He stopped and looked at her instead, a small smile creeping on his face.

"I missed you" he said as he laid her back on the ground, climbing on top of her and trailing icy kisses on her neck, making her gasp.  
"I thought you'd be asleep already" he mumbled between kisses "but then I thought I'd try my luck anyway"

She smiled involuntarily. To be asleep would have been a sweet present. She never slept well anymore. Not unless he was there. Even then it wasn't really sleeping. It was drifting, but of the calmer kind, not the one where she tossed and turned, pictures and thoughts flooding her brain.

He suddenly sat up, a mischievous smile on his face.

She looked at him with a curious expression.

"What?" she asked, her voice mirroring her insecurity.

"Come on" he got up quickly, pulling her up off the floor as well "I brought you a present" he smirked as he dragged her to the bed and made her sit on it.

"I found this on my desk yesterday under the piles of stuff. I forgot about having done this" he said sitting next to her and pulling out a folded piece of paper from his jacket's pocket.

Rory wrinkled her forehead not understanding and taking the crumpled paper from his hands to unfold it.

As she opened it, she saw his familiar thick, confident strokes forming a pattern of stairs ruling the main view, leading upwards in a hypnotizing fashion towards where a solitary, slender form was sitting, the face deep in thought, with loose strands of hair blown by the wind, framing it.

She recognized herself on the bleachers and she looked up with a questioning expression to see Tristan's expectant smile.

"When did you do this?" she asked, her voice barely coming out. Glancing back at the paper she already knew the answer.

"Before I met you" he said, his voice warm and calm.

"I look so sad" she said, running a finger over the face on the drawing.

"You look beautiful" he corrected her and took the drawing from her hands, laying her back onto the bed as he climbed up next to her coming to rest on his back and letting her rest her head on his chest.

"I was probably in love with you before I ever even talked to you" he chuckled lightly as he caressed her hair with his hand.

She listened to his words and clung to him tightly, enjoying the warmth, the calmness, his proximity.

"Tell me the story..." she whispered "of how we met"

She could feel his chest rumble lightly under her head as he chuckled.

"Uhm... okay... let's see... It was the first day of school, already very painful and I was...er... being entertained in the engine room by... god, what was her name?"

"Oh my god" Rory mumbled "you can't even remember her name?"

"I am pretty sure it was Kendra... Or Kathy... she was sloppy" he went on, his voice thoughtful and she chuckled.

"Yeah, the sloppy blowjob... wow, it will be so nice to tell this story to our grandchildren" she said cynically.

"Okay, hush already, I am telling a story here" he said in mock hurt and she chuckled letting him go on.

"Excuse me"

"So there I stood, desperately trying to get off, but having a hard time when suddenly I look up and feel electrocuted" he said pausing a bit and Rory found herself holding her breath waiting for him to go on.

"All I could see is this pair of the most unbelievable shade of blue eyes I've ever seen pinning me back against the wall. Then I see the rest, this beautiful pale face and innocent pink lips and this swarm of brunette locks framing all of this, and an expression that is shocked and appalled and fascinated at the same time. And she is like a deer caught in the headlights and for a second..." he paused again, his quiet words dissolving into the silence around them.

She opened her eyes carefully peering up at him, not wanting to move, not wanting to break his train of thoughts, too fascinated by his account of that day.

"for a second..." he went on, his voice dropping to a husky whisper "it felt like it was her mouth around me, her hands pulling me closer, her tongue swirling around me... and I let my head drop back and smile and let go, making sure she hears how fucking quick she gets me to cum" he murmured and Rory could practically feel the arousal growing in the pit of her stomach.

It was amazing how quickly he could make her forget about everything and just get her to want him.

"Of course I wasn't nowhere near to knowing how incredible her oral capabilities really were" he chuckled "that's another story"

She smiled and shoved him lightly.

"What were you thinking?" she asked suddenly, her voice quiet but still commanding the mood.

He sighed.

"About you?" he asked.

She didn't answer, waiting for him to elaborate.

"I don't know" he said, his voice once again getting thoughtful "It's hard to say now. The memories get tainted with everything else. I can't think of you and not feel the things I feel now" he said, his voice getting lower and he cleared his throat.

"I know that when I drove you home that night after you..." he paused and Rory bit back a smile realizing he still didn't like to mention Dean or even refer to him.

"It was this strange feeling. You were so quiet and we barely talked, but I still felt this pull. Not sexual. It wasn't like at the engine room. It was like when you recognize the people that have the same fate as you despite the clothes and lives and all the masquerade. The people that are like you, you just recognize, like they wear a sign on their forehead, like they've been marked"

His voice was really quiet now, almost frantic, but it made perfect sense to her and she was reminded of all their talks when they first were getting to know each other, how she could voice her weirdest thoughts and still not feel exposed, because he seemed to understand even if she didn't understand herself.

"And then it just happened. It just all started happening like an avalanche and I can hardly make out the twists and turns anymore, but it just made sense. It's how it was supposed to be and it all lead us here, to where I can lay here and not be afraid and where you can touch me and it can be the most self-evident thing ever. It just makes it seem impossible that there ever was a time when we didn't touch and talk and feel like this. Does this even make sense?" he growled frustrated "I feel like I am reciting lines from The Notebook"

She chuckled and pulled herself up to kiss his cheeks lightly.

"Don't be silly, Noah" she mused.

He groaned again, pulling her on top of him.

"You enjoy my agony, don't you?" he asked and she tried to hold back her grin.

"When did you do the drawing?" she suddenly asked, her voice serious once again.

He looked up at the ceiling taking a deep breath as if trying to remember.

"I used to sneak out to the football field to smoke between classes" he started, his voice amused.

"Used to?" she broke him off, her voice accusing.

"Shhh, I'm telling the story" he hushed her, avoiding the scolding.

"So I sneaked out every day and realized you do the same thing. We hadn't talked since I drove you home... and I watched as you sat there alone every day, reading or just thinking. And I guess I just couldn't get that image out of my head. That loneliness, that feeling of being lost. And that incredible calmness you get realizing someone else probably feels the exact same way you do. I went home one day and sat down and did that drawing" he said, his voice so soft it made her want to cry.

"Then probably went out, got drunk and forgot all about it" he added smirking and she groaned.

He chuckled, then pulled her closer kissing her gently.

He pulled away, his face serious once again.

"It feels perfect" he said and she looked at him with confusion.

"Right now, everything feels perfect" he clarified "it feels like in the beginning, when we could just be together and forget about everything" he smiled and she suddenly felt that sharp sting in her chest.

"Do you think we can keep it like that?" she asked concerned, her fears shining through.

He thought for a second, his eyes lost in concentration.

"I don't know" he said and then looked at her again "but I'm not gonna worry about it" he shrugged.

"I have you, I love you, the rest doesn't matter" he said and pulled her in, letting her rest on his chest once again.

She sighed, feeling that wall between them slowly being built. It felt like no matter how many bricks they knocked off by being happy and well together, she replaced them with twice as many bricks by keeping her secret.

She wondered for a second about whether he should have noticed. If he really did know her that well, picked up on her moods and feelings that well, how could he not know? Or did he maybe know and just took it as her own sacrifice to make this work?

She sighed and tried to rid her head of thoughts. She did this a lot lately. Clear her mind of thoughts altogether.

As long as she could manage, it was her sweet escape.


	34. Love comes in strange currencies

Some moments are like eternities compressed into seconds. When all movement, all thoughts, all things seem to slow and freeze into a motionless frame. When you can take time to look at every little detail and almost feel like you can grasp and understand everything about life and its wonderful lack of meaning.

She stood in the hallway and revelled in one of those moments, the scurry of the students just a slow-motion blur with calm music to hush everything out.

She felt strangely aware of her body. Her breathing, her lungs opening to be filled with air, her vessels with blood rushing through them, her cells sucking out oxygen and all that was needed into themselves, despite the lack of a reason, despite the lack of will in her heart to make it all function.

When the emptiness hits you, you are seldom ready for it. It can knock you off your feet, it can diminish you within a heartbeat, it can revive you and destroy you if you grasp it, if you let it rummage through you without control.

It takes the last reasons out of you and you realize there is nothing on earth that can happen at that very moment to make you want to take another breath.

She knew this moment. It was all too familiar. The last time she felt it, she was standing 50 feet above the surging sea looking down into those waves crashing against those rocks. She suddenly felt that chilly wind, that salt stinging her nostrils, as if this feeling, this incredible unwillingness to go on had forever been associated with that time and that place in her brain, burned into her neurons, like an axiom of some sort.

She felt her muscles go numb as if her last chance to escape had been blocked. She closed her eyes and prayed for something to happen, anything. Like last time. Even though she knew even in her dazed state how impossible the odds were of being saved another time.

She opened her eyes and her sight slowly focused on his blue orbs. She'd never quite noticed how they changed colors with his moods, perhaps with hers as well. Right now they seemed as blue as the sea, as though they would be able to swallow her up the very way those waves could, offering her a silent grave to rest.

She blinked hard, seeing his mouth move, but she couldn't for the life of her make out what he was saying. His hands reached up to her face, brushing the hair back from her eyes and his touch felt like fire and ice at once, burning, stinging and soothing at the same time.

"Rory" her eyes snapped open as the sound finally registered in her ears, reality rushing back to her, the movements regaining their normal speed.

She let out a shaky breath glancing around, her mind not quite able to coordinate her movements.

"Rory, you okay?" he asked, his voice so caring and soft, it actually hurt.

Then again, everything seemed to hurt for her right now.

She opened her mouth, struggling to say something, to get any words out, as if hearing herself talk could be a lifeline, could be proof that she can still control her own body. But no sound came from her mouth. The only reaction she managed was shutting her eyes, tight as she could, feeling the sting of tears already.

"Rory?" she heard his voice, but once again it felt distant, her head spinning around in a daze.

She felt her legs give way and she fell to the ground, his strong arms trying to hold her steady.

"Somebody get the nurse" she heard him yell and there was a strange silence that fell over the crowded hall.

She saw everything so clearly. That made her smile. The fact that she couldn't for the life of her tell her body what to do, but she could still sense everything perfectly. She saw the stunned stares of the kids, the nervous whispering, the panic in his eyes as he tried to get someone, anyone to finally do what he asked them to.

"She's having another breakdown" somebody whispered.

"I've heard she's on antidepressants, she's totally nuts" somebody else said and she heard a light chuckle, realizing that it was actually herself laughing.

"Would you all just shut up and help?" he stood up desperately, letting Rory rest against the wall of the hall, her body limp and numb.

She heard him curse as he disappeared into the crowd, her eyes losing him in the swirl of uniforms.

She closed her eyes, no longer able to keep them open.

She felt someone touch her hand and she opened her eyes lazily trying to identify the owner of the hand.

She couldn't tell whether she had trouble with it or whether she'd just never really met this person. It was a dark haired boy, with green eyes and a confused look on his face.

"Are you okay?" he asked, kneeling beside her "Let me help you up" he went on, his voice mirroring worry and confusion at the same time.  
Rory studied his face. There was something in there that was comical. Was it his desperate struggle to get her to respond? As if his mind had trouble grasping something so strange, so illogical as a perfectly healthy young girl having no strength or will or whatever to move.

"Get up" he whispered and by now she was sure of it. It was fear. Fear of this unknown thing that she managed to creep into this boy's life simply by being there, by having him witness her helplessness.

"Get away from her" she heard Tristan's voice and saw the boy being pushed away as a woman she recognized as the school nurse knelt down beside her checking her pulse, and starting to perform a series of things as though it were a crisis plan for teenagers who suddenly felt no strength to go on.

She didn't pay attention to the nurse, instead focusing on Tristan and the boy. In her strange state she seemed to pick up Tristan's feelings even more clearly, as if all else that usually clouded her senses had been stripped from her mind. She felt him, his frustration, confusion, his concern and his numb helplessness.

"Calm down, DuGrey. It's not my fault your girlfriend is a fucking mess" the boy spat and she could feel the anger boil over in Tristan, all of his frustration now finding a way to vent.

"Shut the hell up" he sneered.

"It's true, just look at her, what a fucking mess" the boy shot back desperately.

Tristan leaped at him in an instance, his fist meeting the boy's jaw, who fell back into the lockers shocked. The attention of the crowd quickly shifted from Rory to Tristan as he grabbed the kid who was trying to fight back desperately.

His face was desperate and brutal and for a second Rory felt all the hurt inside her concentrate into one small spot in her chest, her eyes focusing on his eyes that were the deepest, saddest blue.

"Stop" she heard her own voice and she was shocked herself. That one word, that one syllable seemed to be something she could hold onto, that she could use to pull herself out from whatever deep hole she felt in. She felt her limbs move as she sat up repeating her plea towards Tristan.

"Tristan, stop please" she muttered and she saw him turn around to stare at her.

The boy used the opportunity to repay some debts, his fist knocking Tristan back. He glared at the boy in shock and leaped at him once again, pounding away mercilessly.

By this time some more teachers arrived pulling Tristan off of the ill fated boy, holding his arms back in order to keep him from fighting.

Rory's eyes caught his for a second as he stared at her while he was dragged away down the hall, his eyes sad and hurt and in despair.

Rory closed her eyes as she sighed with frustration. Even through all the emptiness, she felt the uneasy feeling of having to worry for him because of his rash actions.

As if he could read her thoughts, he shook his head desperately, his eyes mirroring remorse.

That was the last she saw in them as he was dragged around the corner by the teachers.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Lorelai stepped out onto the porch pulling her sweater tighter around her.

She watched concerned as Tristan got out of his car he just parked with screeching tires in front of their house.

"Where is she?" he asked, his voice full of frustration and insecurity, his eyes shooting sparks.

"Tristan, calm down" she said, trying to calm her own voice.

"I want to talk to her" he shot, coming to stand on the front lawn a couple of feet away from her as she looked down from the edge of the porch.

"She's not here" she said.

"I have to see her" he pleaded, his breathing fast and ragged.

"She is not here, stop it. She is at the counsellor's office. Tristan, stop" she said, closing her eyes, still trying to keep her composure.

"I just need to tell her..." he went on as if not hearing her words.

"You need to calm down" she broke him off and he looked up suddenly, his eyes so blue and painful it made her fall back into the despair she felt when she found out about Rory.

"God, when did it all get so screwed up?" the blond said, his hands covering his face.

"You know that" she said and it surprised even her, how cold and heartless her tone felt.

"What?" he looked up, confused.

"You need it to be screwed up" she went on, not being able to shake that strange tone.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, a look of panic in his eyes.

"You need it, so you can come in and save the day" she said bitterly and suddenly she felt like a flood had broken loose and she could do nothing to hold back anymore.

"You are crazy" he sneered.

"Tristan, did you know she is not taking her antidepressants?" she broke him off and watched as the words seemed to annihilate him.

"What?" he asked, the word barely coming out.

"She stopped taking them" she stated, cold and matter of factly, her own hurt and despair pushing her to be heartless.

"What are you talking about? Why would she do that?" Tristan said, his eyes darting from one spot to another, as if he were desperately trying to understand.

"Because of you. She stopped because of you" she said, looking down on the boy.

"That makes no sense" he shook his head.

"You're telling me" she shot back, her words cynical.

"Why would she do that?" he asked, still not believing.

"I don't know, I guess she's willing to do anything to be with you" she shrugged, even though she felt her chest explode with the pain she was feeling.

"How is that going to help her be with me?" he asked still not wanting to understand.

"Don't you see? You force her to be sick, you force her to be weak so she can have you save her and care for her. If she's strong enough, you are not interested. You feel like you are pulling her back" she yelled, all of her frustration finally pouring out.

"Shut up, you have no idea what you're talking about, what the hell do you know about her?" he shot back and she sneered.

"I am her mother. I knew her for seventeen years. You've known her for a couple of months, most of which she's spent in severe depression. You want her to stay that way, so she'll stay with you" she said, accusing.

"You're raving mad" Tristan said, taking a step back.

"Tristan, just think about it. You met her and you two found each other instantly. How did that happen? Why? Was it because it was meant to be? Or was it because you were both going through the same thing?" she asked, her voice a bit calmer, her eyes welling up with tears.  
"So what? That's a bad thing? That I know how she feels?" he shot back in self-defence.

"No, that's a great thing. It would be even more great if you'd realize that she can be better if you let her be" she replied, her words stinging once again.

"How do I not let her be better?" he asked incredulous.

"Just by not wanting to be better yourself" she shot.

"You are all fucking crazy" he whispered burying his head in his hands once again.

She stood there, staring at this kid, who was in despair and still she couldn't feel any empathy. All she knew is her baby was unwell.

"I love her. I am in love with her" he looked up desperately, his eyes pleading with her.

"You are seventeen, Tristan" she said, and her voice was cold, condescending.

"So?" he shook his head not understanding.

"How could you know what love is?" she asked, her voice bitter.

"That's ironic, coming from you. You based a fucking family on it at this age" the boy shot back and she felt a sharp pain in her chest.

"That was different" she sneered.

"How was that different? I have to knock her up in order to be taken seriously when I say that I have feelings for her?" he shot.

"This is not something that you can do by sheer will, Tristan. You love her? Prove it. Prove that you can take her having her own will, her own life, her own plans. Prove that you can make a sacrifice" she yelled, her emotions taking a hold of her.

"How? Do you want me to go to therapy? Do you want me to take those fucking pills? I'll do it, I'll fucking do it for her" he yelled, his eyes shining with despair.

"No. Don't do it for her, Tristan, do it for yourself" she shot back, her voice lower.

"Oh, would you stop this fucking prep talk" he sneered.

"You are unwell. The same way she was. She was just willing to make it better. You are not. You are not willing to make any changes in your life. And you are keeping her from wanting to get better" she said, her voice suddenly calm, matter of factly.

"What do you want me to do? What can I do?" he asked desperately.

"I don't know Tristan. Go and figure out your life. Figure out what you want. But don't pull her back. Don't let her watch you be like this. Prove that you want her to be happy..." she said, suddenly looking up, her eyes shining with a new found determination "Even if it means letting her go..." she went on and she saw the boy look up as if he finally understood what she was saying.

He shook his head slowly, his eyes pleading with her.

"Let her go and let her be happy. Can you do that? That's love, Tristan, that's real love" she went on and the words were like the last twist of a knife.

"I can't do that..." he whispered, his voice broken, his expression overwhelmed.

"Do you want her to be happy? Do you? Don't make it hard for her to do that. Let her go..." she went on, convinced as only a mother could feel. She stared at him, with eyes sparkling, muscles tense, feeling her own victory.

"I love her" he tried one last time, his voice so small it would have made anyone else want to hug him and tell him it was all going to be alright. Not her.

"Then let her go" she said and she suddenly felt like an emperor on a gladiator match, overruling life and death.

She watched as the boy's face broke as he could barely breathe. He stared at the snow covered ground and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and looked up at her again and Lorelai stood there amazed. It was incredible, like he regained his composure in a matter of seconds. She recognized the mask, it was the one he always wore. Calm, cool, distant, detached.

Only his eyes reflected his pain.

He looked at her one last time and as if he had made a life altering decision in a matter of seconds, he turned around slowly and walked back to his car.

Lorelai watched as he sped of, her strong demeanour crumbling to the ground. She felt her tears flow down her cheeks and heard the sobs break from her chest. She's never felt this cold and lonely before, but she was convinced she did the only right thing.

She took a deep breath and turned around stopping dead in her tracks as she did so.

She saw her husband standing in the opened doorway staring at her.

"Lor" he said, and his voice mirrored the hurt on his face.

"I did the right thing" she said, her words strained.

"By making him give her up?" he asked, his voice breaking.

"She is sick, Chris, and she is not willing to be better if he's around" she said, raising her voice and closing her eyes.

"She is making a sacrifice for someone she loves" he said.

"She is doing something stupid" she shot back.

"She loves him" he said, his voice quiet.

"That's not enough, Chris" she opened her eyes, her tone cold.

"That's what you think" he said, his voice still quiet.

"Chris" she pleaded.

"What will it take for you to believe in love, Lor? It took me fifteen years just to prove I was here for you, not because of the situation we got into" he said, his voice finally breaking from all the emotions he felt.

"I am too tired for this Chris" she closed her eyes once again, walking past him.

"Yet you still don't believe love can overcome anything" he went on.

"Because it can't!" she shot coming to stop right next to him, her eyes full of determination "I am sick of seeing her like this. I am sick of her not being herself. She is supposed to be happy. She is our daughter. Happy and cheery and sparkly eyed. She is supposed to be happy!" she shot, her words frantic.

"How will she be happy if she'll know you made him give her up?" he asked, his eyes reflecting hurt and concern.

"She can't know" she replied.

"Lorelai" he sighed.

"It's for her own good. It will hurt, but she'll get over it and she'll realize she has things to be happy for. And one day she'll find someone that she won't have to make sacrifices for" she ranted, as if she were trying to convince not just him but herself as well.

"That's not your place to decide" he said.

"I am her mother" she replied.

"Lor" he tried once more.

"No, Chris. She's suffered enough and I want her to be well. I want us to be well again. Like a family we used to be... Please" she pleaded and he sighed not knowing what to do.

She stepped closer, letting him pull her into a strong hug.

"This is how it has to be" she whispered and he had no choice but to give in.


	35. Some were born to sing the blues

She opened her eyes and tried to shake the haze that was clouding her senses. She couldn't remember having slept this deep since... since she's stopped taking her medication.

She sat up, suddenly realizing all that had happened the day prior.

She looked around, the room way too calm, in stark contrast to the anxiety that was building up inside of her.

She threw her covers off and got out of the bed, unsteady on her feet by the sudden movements.

She opened her door and walked down the stairs to find her mother sleeping in the armchair in the living room.

She stirred lightly awoken by her steps.

"Hey" she said, her eyes sleepy, her face in a reassuring smile.

Rory stood there, all the questions flooding her brain, all racing for her mouth, yet she could vocalize none.

"How are you feeling, sweetie?" her mother asked her and she focused on her face in order to regain some clarity.

"Where is Tristan?" she asked and saw the way her mother's expression changed instantly. There was worry, hurt, disappointment... and something else she couldn't quite grasp. Could it have been guilt?

"I don't know" her mother answered solemnly.

"He didn't come here? He didn't call?" she asked, her mind racing frantically. She remembered everything about yesterday, saw Tristan make a scene in the hallway, him punching that kid, the teachers dragging him away, and some silent, indescribable fear was gripping her chest now. Had she not been so lost in her own thoughts and despairs, perhaps she could have seen her mother's face overclouded by her own.

But by the time she looked at Lorelai again, her face was calm and composed.

"No" she said and added an understanding smile.

"I have to go talk to him" Rory said grabbing the keys from their place on the shelves.

"Rory" she heard her mother "I can't let you just go like that" she dashed after her, but Rory was already on the front porch.

"Rory, stop, calm down, please" Lorelai grabbed her arm.

She spun around and looked her mother in the face.

"I have to talk to him, I have a horrible feeling" she mumbled.

"Rory, please, just calm down, you've been through a lot" her mother pleaded.

"It doesn't matter" she said.

"Yes it does, Rory, you need to think about yourself. You need to rest and feel better and we need to start all over again" her mother said, slowly raising her voice and she looked up seeing her emotions all crowding her face.

"Mom" she said quietly "I am sorry. About everything. About you having to go through all of this" she said.

"No" her mother shot "don't be sorry. Just be better. I want you to want to be better"

"I am sorry" she repeated, her words barely coming out.

"But I have to go see him" she added and tried to pull her arm out of her mother's hold.

"Let her go, Lor" she heard her father's voice, calm and quiet and it made both of them look up to see him standing in the doorway, his face in a serious expression as only those people's can be who have been hurt and lived through it.

Lorelai gasped and shook her head, her will seemingly not enough to fight anymore.

"Chris…" she pleaded.

"Give her the chance at least" her father replied and Rory glanced from his serious face to her mother's broken one knowing there were deeper things here between the three of them than she could understand.

She had no time to ponder that right now. She felt her mother's hold become looser around her arm and she slipped away from her walking towards the car in the driveway, her thoughts once again racing faster than she could.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

She got out of the car by the lake and walked towards the shore staring at the form down by the water. She watched with turmoil as he turned around.

"Dave, where is he?" she asked as she came to stop in front of the dark haired boy.

He looked at her, his expression solemn.

"Rory" he started, his arms stretched out in a comforting gesture as if trying to calm her.

She furrowed her brows confused, the anxiety in her stomach once again taking a hold of her.

"Where is he?" she yelled, losing her patience.

"He's gone" Dave said.

"What? What do you mean he's gone?" she asked bewildered.

"He left for military school early this morning" he said.

She took a step back, as if that sentence were a blow, making her head spin and her legs go weak.

"What? His father can't do that!" she shook her head.

"Rory, wait, it's not that simple" Dave took a step and tried to steady her with his arms but she shook herself loose and walked back towards her car determined.

"Rory, wait, hear me out" Dave called after her frustrated, but she already got in the car and started the engine.

Her mind kept racing. His father, his constant threats were always something that was in the background, something she could never forget, something that made her worry about every little mistake he made, because it could have been the last drop pushing his father over the edge. She figured that yesterday was just that. After all the skipping and bad grades, and detentions and fighting, his father was finally fed up.

She raced through the familiar streets to his house that stood silent as ever at the end of the long driveway.

She parked the car and got out walking up to the front door and ringing the bell frantically.

A mortified servant opened the door and she dashed past him, not bothering to introduce herself.

"I need to talk to him" she yelled coming to stand in the middle of the huge hallway "I need to talk to Charles DuGrey" she repeated herself, her voice determined, strained.

"Miss" she heard the incredulous voice of the servant "I hardly think this is the proper..."

"It's alright" came the voice of Charles DuGrey from the top of the stairs.

Rory looked up and saw him descending the stairs.

"What is it, Rory?" he said, his voice serious, his face troubled.

"You can't just send him away like that. Like he was some pet you can't deal with anymore. Something you got tired of. You can not do that!" she yelled, the intensity of her voice surprising even herself.

"You think I sent him away?" Charles asked raising an eyebrow.

"You've been threatening him with this for years and now you feel like you can't handle him anymore so you send him away. It's not right" she shot, the words pouring out of her mouth without control "He is a teenager and lost and learning and finding his way still, you are supposed to be there for him, you are supposed to support him not punish him every chance you get"

"Rory, I think you need to calm down before you say things that..." he spoke with restrain even though he was getting visibly upset.

"I don't need to calm down, you need to hear these things! You are a horrible father! You expect your children to be perfect, put so much pressure on them, but don't help them at all! You leave them behind and leave them lonely and hurt and lost and if they make the smallest mistake, you punish them"

"Rory" his voice was warning now, his face grave, but Rory felt too swept away by her own words.

"So now you send him away, because it's the easiest way for you to deal with this problem. By having him out of sight, he is not a problem anymore"

"He was the one who wanted to leave" her head snapped up towards the top of the stairs hearing Mandy speak the words.

She was silenced as she looked up at the blond girl, her eyes red probably from crying and her face pale.

She stared at her blinking. Her chest suddenly full of pain, her muscles not obeying her when she wanted to breathe.

The girl descended the stairs slowly.

"He came home last night and said he is leaving for military school, he said he wanted to finish high school there and wanted to get away from here"

Rory felt like the ground beneath her feet opened up ready to swallow her.

She looked up at the serious face of Tristan's father who sighed and turned around walking up the stairs past her daughter.

Mandy just stood there staring at Rory.

She couldn't say if it was an accusing stare or if she was just too lost herself.

"I don't understand" she mumbled.

"It's Tristan. No one is supposed to understand" came the bitter answer from Mandy.

"How could he just leave? Without a word?" Rory collapsed on the bottom of the stairs.

Mandy came to rest next to her, her fragile form small on the steps as she scooted down.

"It's the way he is. He doesn't care who he leaves behind, who he hurts. If he gets something in his head, he does it"

"But why? Was he scared? Or fed up? Or just sick and tired of me?" Rory cried.

"I don't know" Mandy whispered.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rory lay on her bed and contemplated the fact how unbearably harsh the silence of a room could seem combined with the bitter weight that seemed to push down on her chest.

It was hard to explain how she felt. Empty. Lost. Hurt. Confused.

She was surprised at her own body, how composed and calm she could act. She wondered if it was the drug's effects. Or whether you just get like that when you feel like nothing really makes any difference anymore.

She seemed to move without any effort, her body gliding on thin air, her every molecule in the least possible friction towards the world around her. In fact that's how she made it home that way. She just stood up, walked out and drove home.

She didn't break down or cry or even fully register anything in her brain. She went home and returned to her room, laying down on her bed, humming a soothing tune that seemed to protect her from that weird silence that seemed to envelope her as she moved.

The humming stopped. As if her voice had given up. She felt the choking, but it wasn't the kind when the act of crying takes a hold of your whole body. It was simple and unfightable, as if done by another person. As if she were sitting on her bed watching this happen to someone else.

There were no questions in her head, no scenarios playing out, no possible explanations flashing. It was as though she had accepted something so ungraspable, unexpected as a shot of lightning to the chest.

He was gone.

Just like that.

There was a weird sense of loss. The kind when you fear for your balance. Not emotional, but physical. As though you are afraid some strange sudden wisp of air could knock you off your feet, because something is missing, some invisible fastening has been cut loose that you didn't even acknowledge.

Then she felt the shaking too. Once again, as distant as the light sobs coming from her chest.

She closed her eyes, her senses taking over the part of that missing one. Her skin hot under her tears, her ears aware of the door opening and closing with a quiet creak.

"Baby" she heard her mother's voice, broken and worried and small and felt the bed shift under her as she joined her on top, pulling her into her arms like she remembered when she was small.

"He's gone" she whispered and clung to her mother, who held her tight, as tight as it was humanly possible.

"He just left, he left me here, he is just gone" she mumbled and her mother hushed her and rocked her, as if she really were just a small baby, helpless in her arms.


	36. The great things in life

It was an insensitive spring that year. Coming early and with full force, insensible to the pain she was still working on healing, a spring with so much color, such intensity, such undeniably force that she had no other choice than to accept the fact that time indeed was rushing past her, contrasting the silent and colorless suffering inside of her.

She was at the lake again, she didn't know why.

She hadn't come here at first. It was a hated place in the first period of rage and confusion and hurt that she felt. Then it became a silent companion in her quest to understand a mind she knew she probably never would.

Being able to come here was the first steps of acceptance. Not of forgiving but rather of forgetting, ironic as it was that she could best do that there, where everything reminded her of him.

It was a feat she had accomplished slowly and painstakingly. Something she could be proud of. It was proof that she could be well, she could be sane and balanced and even happy, though happiness nowadays seemed to be more of a quiet sense of calmness.

This whole process started out as vengeance. As if proving him wrong, as if embracing the state that made it impossible for her to connect with him would make him seem worthless and small.

She gave up eventually trying to prove all that, realizing she wouldn't truly be over everything until she didn't need the feel for vengeance anymore.

She eventually got to that point.

It was right about the time when she realized she had really lost him.

She spent days thinking about what she really lost. What he really meant. It was strange how every time she tried to remember this phase, this time in her life with him, it felt like a blur, like a restless dream. She wondered whether he was really and genuinely something she loved and needed. Or just someone, like he said, who had been marked with the same unsettling burden she had been.

She took her pills, at first not out of conviction but because her family persuaded her. At first she felt no change at all, no life filling that emptiness inside of her that had been created by the loss. But then it started, as slowly and as unnoticeably as everything happened in life.

It was a process. A process that resulted in her gaining a slightly new perspective every day. Up until the day when she realized she was back to her oddly familiar and comfortable self. That self that seemed to be her epitome. That hated and boring, but at the same time real self, the one her body and soul found its way back to, having been given the chance to.

From that place everything seemed different. That whole fall and winter and the time even before. As though she were looking back on another life, another person, something she had less and less connection to everyday. It was a strange, dream like memory of someone she knew she was but couldn't quite channel anymore.

And this is how, eventually, he became this dreamlike figure. Someone for whom she couldn't feel hurt or hatred or even love anymore. Just an ill defined shape of memories and pictures that felt oddly distant and close at the same time. Something that she eventually made peace with.

And maybe that's why she could stand going to that place. It wasn't the same place she saw in her memories of him. It was like going back to a place of your childhood, where everything seems a little different, a little smaller, a little less colorful and magical and more simple, than the place in your mind.

She stood there watching the scenery that did in fact seem less loud, less grandiose, less intensive.

She thought of him and remarked with a sort of acceptance how much more difficult it was to recall his face, his voice, his gestures. Or his deeds. Somehow this is what helped her deal with the unpredictability of all that had happened. As every twist of events grew harder to recall, the less unbelievable it seemed. The less the explanations missed from the picture.

She never quite figured it all out.

She eventually pieced the puzzles together. How he must have found out one way or the other how she had ended up unstable again. How he did find out didn't really make a difference. And perhaps she was protecting herself for not wanting to know.

She also didn't know his reaction. Was he mad because he realized that what he loved and held on to didn't really exist at all and was only a result of a mind sick and suffering? Or was it that he thought he was the reason for the disease itself? The one pushing her to not be well, like her mother believed.

It was days and weeks and months of pondering that made her realize it didn't really make a difference. The reason didn't matter, only the result, only his choice. And knowing the reason behind it might have made it easier to understand but certainly not easier to accept.

Accepting was a whole different process that she had to go through, something that eventually became analogue to her process of finding her way back to herself.

Standing on the shore of that lake now, all these thoughts rummaging through her head, she realized she had arrived. At the end of that process.

How did she know that?

Was it the lack of unbearable pain that she felt when she thought of all this? Was it her confidence that no matter what had happened, it would still enable her to go on and move forward? Or was it the strange discovery that she did want to go on and move forward?

She smiled a wry smile feeling the warm spring breeze caress her face.

Perhaps it was all of those things. Perhaps it was something completely different, something unexplainable, ungraspable and unexpected.

Like most of the great things in life are.


	37. Epilogue: Entropy wins

Rory took a deep breath as she entered the archaic gates of her former high school. She looked at the banner that was stretched out over her head welcoming back the class of 2003 after 15 years.

She let out the air from her lungs trying to relax her body.

She really didn't have a clue as to why she decided to come here. She had, after all, missed the 5 and the 10 year reunions and kept in touch with virtually no one from that period of her life. She now tried to identify the reason why she decided on taking a long weekend trip down to visit her parents and subsequently show up for her class reunion in an uncomfortable black dress and even more uncomfortable stilettos.

There was absolutely none that came to her mind.

She stood aside as the steady flow of guests brushed past her and she squinted as she tried to identify some of the faces, familiar and oddly changed at the same time.

She mused over the fact how old some of them seemed. She wondered for a second whether she seemed that old also, at age 33. She certainly didn't feel that way.

What's more than that, she once again felt like a teenager, seemingly invisible and in a corner not quite knowing what the heck she was doing here.

She spotted the welcoming table with badges of names and reluctantly walked in that direction. She let her eyes glide over the name tags.

"My god, Rory Hayden, look at you!" she heard a shrieking voice and she stared terrified at the girl sitting behind the desk desperately trying to identify her.

"You look stunning!" the girl enthused and picked up Rory's name tag handing it to her.

"Here you go. It has your maiden name, although we all know what you last name is now" the girl winked and Rory blushed slightly.

"I use my maiden name, so it doesn't matter" she mumbled and looked away embarrassed. She hated when people reminded her of who she ended up marrying. She knew it was a society topic, whispered about endlessly in ballrooms and social gatherings. But to her, that's not what it meant. To her it was a marriage of love, after years of being together and growing together and finding comfort and support in one another. The fact that their union happened to be the merging of some of the most elite families was a tiny detail.

She glanced over the rest of the name tags, feeling uncomfortable and dying to escape the expectant gaze of the still unidentified ex-classmate.

Her heart suddenly skipped a beat as her eyes came to rest on a couple of name tags.

Michael Downer. Jessica Dubson. David Duncan.

There was a pang of void suddenly. As that line seemed to miss a name.

She squinted her eyes.

She hadn't thought of him in... well, she couldn't even recall when she had last thought of him.

She turned to walk inside the hall ignoring the grinning girl, immersed in thought.

When had it been?

She smiled suddenly realizing.

It had been a couple of years ago.

She remembered now, the morning when she was late from the unveiling of the new headquarter building of her husband's publishing company in Los Angeles. She ran down the street pulling along her daughter, Lola, who was just 5 back then, the cab having dropped them off at the wrong intersection. They had just arrived that morning having flown down from New York, where they lived.  
She turned the corner looking back at Lola who was giggling uncontrollably enjoying the warm breeze blowing through her beautiful blond locks.

When she looked up, her heart seemed to stop beating and her feet seemed to be fixed into the ground.

There, in front of her stood the new headquarter building, in glass and metal, the lines of the walls surging in a painfully familiar manner. She remembered that design. It had been burnt into her memory and suddenly she didn't see the outlines of the building, she saw the fluctuating lines of a drawing done years and years ago by a boy she managed to forget.

She didn't remember how long it took her to get her composure back together. Certainly long enough for Lola to get inpatient, pulling her stubbornly towards the amazing feat of architecture.

She entered the unveiling ceremony lightheaded looking around the crowd nervously during the speeches.

He wasn't there.

She later found out the building had been designed by a team of young architects up in Boston, a relatively small and unknown firm that had managed to gain recognition in the few years of their existence thanks to their brave new designs.

Her husband went on and on about how great the building turned out and her heart raced for two days straight when they were down there.

He ended up doing architecture after all.

She sighed again, shaking the memories and thoughts clouding her head. She looked up, her eyes focusing on the swirling sea of old classmates inside the huge hall decorated especially for the reunion.

It didn't matter. He would certainly not be here. He didn't graduate with them, after all. And she had seen no name tag. She closed her eyes and sighed, burying the memories back where they belonged, into some silent corner of her mind.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She felt dizzy, her head hurting from the pointless conversations she had for the past hour. She slipped out of the huge room and walked down the silent hall, her footsteps echoing. She noticed the open door at the end of the deserted hallway and slipped out, the familiar route all too vivid in her memories.

She smiled a faint smile as she made her way toward the bleachers, her hills digging into the soft muddy ground.

There they stood, ever the same, quiet and inviting, a peaceful place amidst the insanity.

She reached the side of the stands and turned the corner, stopping dead in her tracks as she noticed the lone figure sitting on the lowest row.

She felt paralysed as she watched the man turn towards her, blue eyes meeting blue.

"Tristan" she whispered and watched as he stood up awkwardly, his black shirt clinging tight to his body. Her eyes traced his form, studying every detail.

He has changed and yet looked the same.

His face seemed older, more worn perhaps, but his eyes were as brilliant as ever. His hair short and in order, a stark contrast to the mess he used to carry on top of his head. His body was lean, but more muscular than she remembered, and suddenly the fading picture in her head seemed like that of such a young boy, contrasting the grown man she was looking at.

"Rory" she heard his voice, the same as she remembered it, if a slight bit deeper, and saw a faint smile cross his face.

She walked up to him, not able to hide her surprise, her eyes falling on his jacket tossed carelessly over the seats, with the missing name tag secured onto them.

"Wow" was all she managed coming to stand in front of him.

"I-I" she mumbled, not knowing what to say.

"Avoiding the crowd again?" he asked, his voice frustratingly calm.

She looked up, her face probably questioning, her brows furrowed.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, managing to regain her composure.

He sighed, looking down and once again taking a seat on the bleachers.

"I get invited to the reunions" he offered.

Rory stared at him wondering if he really thought that was enough of an explanation.

As if he sensed her thoughts, he took the fancy bottle of beer that was sitting next to him and took a sip while he mumbled.

"I come to them all. Then usually end up out here"

She just stared at him. He was looking out over the dark football field perhaps not daring to look up at her.

She sat down next to him and looked out over the field as well, her mind racing with thoughts. She mused for a second over the fact that feelings and doubts buried under years and years of another life can surface so quickly.

"You look..." he started glancing her way "you look really good" he managed to finish and she noticed him staring at the ring on her finger.

She moved her hands covering the dazzling jewel, once again self-conscious. She remembered getting that ring and being overwhelmed and shocked at the same time. She never quite knew how to handle being complemented on it.

She unconsciously found his hands with her eyes, looking for a ring.

Once again, as if he could read her mind, he raised both his hands spreading his fingers with a smirk.

"No ring" he said, his voice sarcastic.

She looked away, blushing furiously.

There was an uncomfortable silence as he took another sip from his beer, the warm summer breeze blowing through the trees standing next to the bleachers.

"So you've been to all of them?" she asked suddenly, not able to look at him and staring into the distance instead.

He turned to her, not understanding.

"The reunions" she clarified.

He smirked.

"Yeah" he mumbled.

"What for?" she asked turning towards him.

He looked into her eyes and she held his gaze for the first time that evening needing to know his answer.

He was the one to look away now, his hand rubbing his eyes.

He didn't answer and it seemed so familiar to her, him avoiding things that she would have liked to have voiced.

"I don't know, I guess Hartford is pretty boring, I need all the social events I can get" he mumbled chuckling.

The unavoidable joke to make the conversation lighter, she thought.

"I thought you lived in Boston" she stated and he looked at her in shock, his eyes narrowing, as if trying to guess how she knew.

"I moved back a little while ago" he said unsurely, still obviously trying to see into her head.

She shrugged slightly, looking out over the field again.

"You did the design for that building in LA for my husband" she stated calmly and noticed him release the air he seemed to be holding in.

"Yeah..." he mumbled, his voice affected for the first time during their talk.

"You recognized that?" he asked.

"I remembered that drawing I found in your room. It was the same building" she stated. "Nice touch" she added, her voice a bit too sarcastic.

"I didn't know you two were... married... until... it wasn't intentional, trust me" he mumbled.

"It's a beautiful building, Tristan. I am proud of you" she said, not wanting to hear explanations.

He sighed.

"I guess you were right about architecture" he said quietly.

She got up suddenly, too frustrated with the conversation. She stepped off the bleachers, walking up and down on the sidelines of the field as he watched.

"You okay?" he asked and it was such a flashback from their first meeting out here over 15 years ago.

"No, Tristan, I am not" she yelled "What are you doing here?" she asked facing him.

He looked at her as if he decided to stop avoiding the real questions.

"I guess I wanted to see if you came or not" he said, his voice once again as calm as possible.

"What the hell for?" she asked, her face feeling warm and flushed.

"Just to see how you were doing. To see if it was all worth it" he said.

She felt her anger boil over inside of her.

"You went 15 years without giving a crap about how I was doing, Tristan. I think it's a bit pretentious to say you care now" she said, trying to keep her voice under control.

He looked at her face, as if contemplating what to say, as if he were deciding on whether to share something with her. She had a strange feeling like he had the answers to all her questions that she's never managed to answer all these years.

"I was a messed up kid, Rory..." he started.

"Oh my god, Tristan, don't you dare try to rationalize why you went away and never bothered to explain why" she shot back.

"I was a messed up kid and I made a decision to fix my life..." he went on, ignoring her protests.

"I am not listening to this" she said frustrated, covering her ears.

"I didn't think I could do it with drugs or could do it leaning on someone else. I needed to do it my own way, by pulling myself out of that hole. Military school helped with that. I had something to focus on... and I guess my father was right about some things as well. I needed discipline"

"That's great Tristan. That's really great. That you could go and save yourself on your own. And prove to yourself what everyone else knew about you. That you are someone. That you are capable of great things. Good for you" she shot, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Too bad you managed to hurt everyone who ever cared for you in the process" she shot and was instantly hit with the silence of the bleachers.

He looked at her, then dropped his gaze sighing.

"I'm sorry" he said, after a long time, and so quietly she wasn't even sure she heard it right.

"The route doesn't matter, just the endpoint" he mumbled.

She furrowed her brows and turned to walk away.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She parked her car in front of her parents' house and got out, her mind still overclouded with thoughts. She walked up the lawn and looked up as she heard the front door open.

"Hey big sis, how was the shindig at the hellhole?" she heard Matt ask.

She found herself smiling as she looked at her brother. He looked so much like their dad, the same mischief in his eyes.

"Stop pretending, I know you're gonna miss that place. And this as well" she scolded him, her mind suddenly clear of all worries.

"Na-ah. I am psyched to get out of here, are you crazy? This house makes me feel like I am part of the Brady bunch. What's with the constant need for procreation with our parents?" he smiled and pulled his sister into a hug.

She frowned being reminded of the fact she now had 4 siblings and her daughter actually had an aunt that was only two years older than Lola.

"College is going to be great. All the freedom I want, none of the crazy mother stuff" he chuckled.

"Oh, you love the crazy mother stuff!" she looked up with wide eyes.

"Yeah, well major holidays with said crazy mother and likewise crazy sisters are going to suffice my craving for female craziness, the rest of the time I am planing on relaxing at UCLA"

"You are so going to be crawling back here to Yale" she pointed a finger at her and he chuckled.

"Let it go sis, I can't follow in your footsteps forever" he smiled.

She smiled as well, feeling a pang of hurt for having him move halfway across the country.

"I am going to miss you" she groaned, buryin her head in his hold.

"You can come visit me. Mom has been freaking me out with chances of monthly trips down to visit me. She will probably do it to, so you can just tag along" he laughed.

"You know she does everything out of love, right? Even if you feel like you want to kill her for some things, she just does it out of love" she said.

"I know" he chuckled.

"Where are you off to this late, anyways?" she asked with mock concern.

He chuckled again.

"Just hanging out with the guys before everyone takes off for college" he explained "I am late already, so I'm gonna go" he pointed towards the car.

"You'll tell me about the Chilton absurdity tomorrow?" he said as he walked towards his car.

"Yeah, sure" she said smiling "drive safely" she added.

He turned back winking.

"Okay, mom"

She watched smiling as he took off and turned to walk into the house that was quiet despite it's many residents. She realized how late it really was.

She crept towards the guestroom and opened the door quietly, the hallway light filling the room with a dim light. She leaned against the doorway and studied the room. She looked at the bed, her husband's sleeping form hugging their little girl. She smiled involuntarily. Lola had a habit of begging her way into her parents' bed when she couldn't sleep and being her daddy's little girl, she was seldom denied.

It was a pretty picture and she suddenly felt calm. She might have been insecure about a lot of things in her life. About how her career was going, about whether she was judged by her actual capabilities and not just by the names that she possessed, about how she managed as a society figure. But she was never insecure when it came to her family. This seemed right. She closed the door smiling and looked at the empty hallway of her parents' house. Her gaze rested on the door of the closet and she suddenly furrowed her brows walking towards it.

She opened the door and studied the closet crammed with coats and sports supplies and boxes. Her gaze came to rest on a small box on the top shelf and she fished it out from under several other ones. She closed the closet door and walked towards the living room, kicking off her shoes on her way.

She sat down on the sofa, tucking her feet underneath her and opened the box, taking a deep breath.

She took out the contents one by one. The rumpled drawing of a lighthouse. And another one of her on the bleachers. A picture of her and Tristan, young and careless on a bed covered with a pink quilt. Another one of them kissing, the camera slightly out of focus. Some rocks from the lake.

And that was pretty much it.

All the tokens she had from that whole relationship.

Her mind was buzzing with thoughts now.

Was it really all? All she had left from that? And the knowledge that after sixteen years, she still didn't have reasons or explanations. That maybe there weren't any. Maybe she was just left behind and not thought of anymore.

"Hun, what are you doing up?" she was startled by her mother's voice.

She looked up at her, trying to focus on her figure and watched as she came walking up to her.

Lorelai looked at the pictures and drawings laid out in front of her on the couch and something seemed to flash in her eyes.

"Tristan was there" Rory said, her voice small, quiet.

Her mother sat down at the foot of the couch, studying the pieces of paper, not looking up at her.

"Wow" was all she managed, her voice cracking. She cleared her throat "How is he?"

Rory shrugged.

"Great, I guess. He is an architect. Living in Hartford" she scoffed "He seemed great. Calm. Happy almost. Or certainly at peace" she continued, her voice rising.

Her mother listened to her in silence.

"I guess he got over it all. Got himself together. Managed to get his life together on his own" she added.

"You seem bitter" Lorelai remarked cautiously.

"I just don't get it" Rory said "I still don't get how he could just leave and never even think about me anymore" she got up walking up and down in the room.

Lorelai watched with concern.

"You don't know what he went through, Rory, you can't assume that's how it happened"

"He left and I never heard from him, mom" she said stopping and turning to face her "how can I not assume that? It's not like anyone forced him to not contact me" she scoffed.

Lorelai dropped her gaze and Rory felt her heartbeat race up.

"Mom?" she said, an uneasy feeling taking a hold of her.

She suddenly felt weak, collapsing into the armchair across from her mother.

"Mom" she whispered and watched as her mother rubbed her eyes in frustration.

"Why is this important, Rory?" she asked frustrated "You are happy. And balanced. You've been fine for more than ten years. You are married, you are all happy, you have a beautiful child. What does it matter anymore?" she asked, her voice shaky.

Rory stared at her.

"You sent him away" she whispered, the realization slowly dawning on her.

Her mother looked at her in silence, her eyes shining with a sort of determination she knew her to have at times it was needed.

She gasped and fell back into the armchair, her head buzzing with thoughts.

It all seemed to make sense now.

She looked at her mother, the two of them staring at each other, two identical sets of blue eyes shining in the dark.

She suddenly got up and walked towards the door finding her shoes on the way.

"What are you doing, Rory?" she heard her mother come after her.

"I need to talk to him" she said, trying to strap on her hills.

"You can't, Rory" her mother reached out to touch her arm.

"I need to know" she turned back to look at her.

"It doesn't matter anymore, Rory, your life is here" she said pointing a hand towards the guestroom.

"I. Need. To know" she said and walked out of the house.

"Where are you going? You don't even know where to find him" her mother said walking out onto the porch as she watched Rory walk towards her car, not bothering to turn back or answer her.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

She drove through the dark roads, her heart beating fast and her mind heavy with thoughts. She wasn't sure about anything anymore. She didn't know what was real and what was just an illusion in her head. All she knew is that she had to find out. And that if it was meant to be, she would find him, like he found him in the first place.

She turned onto the road leading to the lake, the trees silent in the darkness. She found her way back here without a problem, after not having been here for more than ten years. She watched surprised as instead of a dirt road, she found a graveled driveway. She parked the car and got out, walking towards where she knew the shore would come into view, right behind some trees.

She gasped and felt her legs go numb, her figure frozen onto her spot as she glanced at a house standing in the place where there used to be nothing but the shore. It was a beautiful house, with large windows facing towards the lake and a deck going around it and reaching out over the water.

She walked towards it, her heart beating wildly. She came around to the side, seeing the deck continuing into a landing stage out over the water.

She was just a couple of feet away, shielded by some bushes as she saw the glass door open. Tristan walked out onto the deck, dressed casually and she suddenly realized she was still in her dinner dress and hills.

He looked out towards the landing stage and narrowed his eyes smiling slightly.

"What are you doing out here, Nora?" he asked, his voice warm, affectionate and Rory involuntarily turned towards where he was looking at.

She gasped as she saw a little girl, hunched over the water.

"I am looking at the fishies" she answered, turning around with a wide smile.

Rory's heart seemed to stop. The little girl was beautiful, with eyes such a stormy blue that there was no denying who her father was.

"Baby, it's late, what did I tell you about coming out here at night?" Tristan asked, his voice scolding and forgiving at the same time.

"Just for a little while, daddy" the little girl pleaded and Tristan sat down next to her, his feet dangling off the deck, pulling the girl into his lap.

She giggled in delight and he kissed the top of her head, embracing her in a hug as she leaned forward to look down onto the water.

"How was the renewion?" she asked.

"Reunion" he corrected "it was fine baby"

"Are the fishes never asleep?" she asked.

"Not if you wake them up by looming over them" he chuckled.

"I just sit really quietly. I didn't throw in rocks or nothing" she explained.

He smiled again, holding onto her as she seemed to lean out so far that she was virtually suspended over the water.

She finally settled back into his lap and sighed, the two of them sitting in silence looking out over the water.

"What is it, baby?" he asked, his voice low.

"Nothin" she shrugged.

"You sure? You are awfully quiet" he asked playfully.

"You said I talk constantly and it drives you nuts" she shrugged.

He laughed out and the little girl chuckled as well.

"You can talk all you want" Tristan said, effortlessly lifting the little girl to face him.

"Now tell me what's bothering you"

She stared at him for a long second as if contemplating whether to tell him or not.

"Dorothy Parker said that I didn't have a mommy because she didn't want me in the first place and she left me behind"

Tristan took a deep breath and tucked some strands of hair away from the little girl's face.

"Nora" he sighed.

"It's true, isn't it?" she asked.

He rested his forehead against hers.

"I don't know, baby. I don't know how your mother feels" he replied sighing "All I know is that I am here and I want you and the rest doesn't matter"

There was a moment of silence, then the little girl giggled.

"Good. That's what I told Dorothy Parker" she said.

Tristan chuckled and pulled her into a strong hug, groaning.

"I love you so much" he said.

"I love you too daddy" she replied.

He stood up quickly walking back towards the house.

"No, daddy, just a little more! I wanna say goodnight to the fishes!" the little girl protested, kicking in his arms, but he chuckled tossing her over his shoulder.

"You'll tell them tomorrow Nora, it's way past your bedtime"

Rory watched as the glass door slipped shut and the house went dark.

She felt dizzy, like she had just found the last missing puzzle to clarity, like it all had just fallen into place.

She walked back towards her car, her legs carrying her despite the lack of strength she felt.

She sat in her car and stared in front of herself for long minutes.

All the things she found out tonight, all the pictures, the recalled memories, questions and answers swirled in her mind.

Suddenly it all became clear. She heard Tristan's voice, from years ago.

"I believe that every person finds the place where they should be. It's like entropy. Or gravity. You come to rest in the position that you were meant to be in. It's like water, finding it's way through the cracks to fill up that hole that it was meant to. And it really doesn't matter how you got there, the way you got there is beside the point, because in the end it didn't make a difference. So really, there is no wrong or right decisions. Every decision just moves you forward"

She started the car and drove back to her parents' house in silence, her mind a blank, her body feeling spent, yet comfortable. She got out of the car and walked into the quiet house, not bothering to undress or go to the bathroom.

She crept into the guestroom, finding her husband and her daughter in the same position she left them only an hour ago. She slipped into the bed, sliding up against his back, her arm going around him to caress Lola's face. She closed her eyes feeling the warmness. The calmness. The peace.

As she drifted off to a deep sleep, she had some strange feeling of closure and certainty. The way you only feel when everything's in its right place.


End file.
